Mr. Vain

Zanders POV (Point of View)

I’m looking at my dad, who I think might die of a brain hemorrhage if he keeps yelling at me like this. That one vein keeps popping out on his forehead. I think he might have high blood pressure or something because he’s turned about one hundred shades of red. He should probably get that looked into.

So, here’s the situation. I changed my last name, and he’s flipping out like the world is about to end. I thought Mom would be the one to blow a gasket over this, but she hasn't spoken a word. She just keeps staring at her dinner plate, not blinking.

Humm… that’s not good. I think I might have broken my mother. Maybe I should see if she’s still breathing.

How does that woman not blink? Yikes. Now her left eye’s twitching. I must have really messed up this time.

“Zander, you’re better than this. What in the hell has gotten into you, boy? Have you lost your ever-loving mind? This bullshit is all over the damn media. My phone’s blown up all day with people thinking you’re completely insane. I have to say, I agree with them. Your grandmother is having a fit and you know how she gets when she’s like this. It’s going to take me forever to get this to blow over.”

That’s my dad, Mason Kane. He owns the biggest movie production company on the East Coast. He also used to be a male model and actor himself. I usually keep my dates away from here because they all hit on the old man. He keeps in shape and we look a lot alike It sure comes in handy sometimes. I pretend to be him to get into elite parties, and I’ve met some cool people with his connections.

He and my mother are well-known celebrities, but he hates California and Hollywood. I think it’s the traffic. He used to bitch about it all the time. He moved us to Miami when I was in high school and never looked back. His movies are up there with Star Wars and the Titanic, from what I’m told. Hell, I don’t know. I can’t remember any of the films he’s made. He won’t let me be in any of them anyway, so I couldn’t care less.

My mom was a popular actress and model in the 90s. She plays super-homemaker and dragon lady mom now. Seriously, if there was a superhero for doing laundry and cooking, it would be my amazing mother. She’s smart too. I mean, look at her set up. Marrying my dad made sure she’s financially set for life. She doesn’t need to work outside the house if she doesn’t want to. She has a cooking blog that seems important. I guess it keeps her busy.

My old man is loaded so I don’t know why mom doesn’t just hang out on the beach drinking mimosas with her MILF friends. He’s so rich she’ll never have to work another day of her life is she didn’t want to.

I wonder what she would say if she knew I banged her friend Vivian. Viv is a cougar and now on husband number four. Mom and Dad have been together since college, so Mom doesn’t realize her friends are far from being as innocent as she is.

I finally reply to his rants. “It’s just a name, pops. Relax.”

My dad banged his fist on the table, setting my teeth on edge. I hate when he does that.

“Don’t tell me to fucking relax, you half-wit! And don’t call me pops! I’m your damn father for gosh sakes! I brought you into this world and...”

“And you’ll take me out. You said that like five times already.”

“You’re getting on my last nerve, boy. Are you even thinking about your future? You want to be a big star, but this YouTube shit and reality show nonsense won’t cut it. You’re just looking for your fifteen minutes of fame. A real star works for it. It takes dedication and determination We can’t even get you to get out of the bed before noon.”

I shrug, rolling my eyes. “My way works so far. I’m making big money off YouTube and Instagram.”

“Not enough. You live off my money like some spoiled, entitled brat. Zander Kane, I should slap the stupid off you. If you want to be taken seriously in this business, go take some acting classes. Get a damn job and get an agent. You graduated from college two years ago in film production and you’ve wasted away a good education. Not to mention my hard-earned money. You could start working at the studio and pay your dues, while still doing auditions. I’m sick of this shit. Show some initiative.”

“Why? I’ll be taking over for your old ass anyway when you retire. It’s not like I need to go look for a job. I’ll just work at Kane Studios. In the meantime, I can have some fun. You told me to enjoy my youth while I can, and I’m only twenty-six. I have my whole life ahead of me. Mom didn’t take acting classes. Why should I?”

“Your mother has a unique natural talent for acting. You… you’re a buffoon and too old for this shit.” My dad grabs his glass of bourbon, shaking his head in disgust.

“Buffoon? Dude. How old are you? Oh, and it’s Zander Vain now. Not Kane. Mr. Vain if you want to be fancy about it.”

My dad is now rubbing his temples, pouring himself his third glass of bourbon straight. He takes a shot like a pro. I love messing with him. I may have broken my dad too. He doesn’t realize that I just do this shit to piss him off. It’s entertainment for me. Everything else around this place is boring as fuck.

“Okay. Tell me one more time why you thought this was a good idea?”

He sat back, looking as if maybe he might get on board with this. Okay, Zander give it to him straight. It’s a good idea, and I could use an investor if this goes well.

“I have a huge social media following. People are always saying I’m vain. So, I went with it. I can turn this into a brand.”

“And it’s now your legal name?”

“Yep.”

Well, that didn’t work. Any second he’s going to call me an idiot.

“Son, you’re an idiot. So, tell me this. What are you going to do when you want to get married? Do you think any lady will want to become Mrs. Vain?”

I’m laughing hysterically now. He believes I will fall in love with some dream girl and give him perfect grandkids. They should have had more kids because I want no part of that life. At least not right now. I’m still playing the field.

“You assume I want to marry someone who I have to answer to. There is way too much pussy out there for that shit. I’ll stay single and ready to bang bitches whenever I want.”

My mom Grace’s eyes just shot up to me. Oh shit. I probably shouldn’t have said that.

“Alexander Mason Kane! Watch your dirty mouth! Don’t ever talk about women that way.”

Well, there it is. I’ve woken up the dragon lady by saying too much. She said my full name, so that’s a sign I might die tonight. Mom has come back to life and is now looking at me like she’s ready to drag me to the pits of hell with her perfectly manicured talons. She got her nails done with those sharp tips and pokes me with them when she’s pissed off. Hence the name dragon lady.

Maybe I shouldn’t tell them the rest? Too late. It’s coming out like word vomit at this point.

“Oh! Mom. Dad. I wanted to let you know that I am getting married. You’re invited.”

My father sighs dramatically, taking another shot from his rock glass. “Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say.”

"I'm going to marry myself...!"