Surrender Your Sensations

"Why do you have to fear dating?"

"Because I can't recognize anyone's face," I snorted out like it was the very obvious reason why I never tried dating anyone.

"But you decided to party tonight and have a one night stand?" My dear best friend asked with her most sarcastic tone.

Nginisian ko lang naman siya bago inisang lagok ang vodka na nasa shot glass na hawak ko. I shrugged my shoulders. "Pinagbawalan ko na nga ang sarili kong makipag-date at ma-inlove, Bailey. Baka naman pwede kong maranasan ang sex kahit isang beses lang bago man lang ako mamatay."

Napangiwi sa akin si Bailey bago hinila ang dulo ng buhok ko.

"Aw!"

"Mag-ayos ka nga sa mga pinagsasabi mo. Akala ko ba matalino ka? Naisip mo ba na baka may sakit 'yang maka-jerjer mo sa one night stand na 'yan?" Bailey Zara Cortez, my dear best friend, said- before shaking her head. She looked at me with her resting bitch face.

Oh believe me, I was not sure what her resting bitch face was look like but basing it on her sarcastic tone, it's an expression you can surely say 'bitchy'.

Well, this was how it's like for me who suffers in prosopagnosia or also known by many as face-blindness.

Hindi ko ma-distinguish ang facial features ng mga taong nakakasalamuha ko. Dahil do'n, hindi ko nagagawang i-recall ang mukha nila at hindi naaalala ng utak ko.

Actually, it took me years before I got accustomed with Bailey's mannerisms, way of speaking and smell. Sa ganoong paraan ko siya naalala. Until one day, during high school, Bailey's face suddenly became clearer to me. Hindi katulad ng ibang nakakasalamuha ko na blurred ang mukha, unti-unti kong nakita ang distinct features ng mukha niya. Her slightly chinky eyes with long lashes, thin lips and her very cute upturned nose. However, I still fail to see her face as a whole and thus, it's still impossible for me to recognize her when she's far away. Kailangan niya munang lumapit sa akin at matitigan ko siya bago tuluyang makilala.

And this sucks because she's my best friend. Pero anong magagawa ko? This is just how I am. I can't distinguish people's faces - even the most important people in my life.

"Now, you're suddenly zoning out," Bailey huffed and her typical irritated voice made me laugh.

"I just realized I had to enjoy my life, Bailey." I sighed. "After recovering from cancer, I don't think allowing my inhibitions to take over me is the best way to enjoy this second life that I have right now." I winked at her before standing up from my seat.

Tinapik ko ang kaniyang balikat nang mapansin ang biglang paglamlam ng mga mata niya. One thing that I treasure the most was probably rare moments when I could see the expression in the faces of people around me. Madalas kinakailangang sobrang lapit ko sa tao para makita ang mga emosyon sa mata niya. Kasama kasi sa prosopagnosia ang hirap na ma-distinguish ang mga facial expressions dahil nga para sa mga katulad ko, mahirap makita ang kabuuan ng mukha ng ibang tao.

Pero kahit hindi ko makita ang expression ni Bailey, alam ko kung gaano siya nasaktan at natakot noong sabihin ko sa kaniya na na-diagnosed ako ng breast cancer, almost a two years ago.

"You know I can be a bitch sometimes but that's not because I want to hinder your happiness," Bailey lowered her head before heaving a sigh. "I just want to protect you, Edith."

Natigilan ako nang makita ang panginginig ng kaniyang kamay. I know that and I understand her. Ever since we became friends back when we were in Elementary, Bailey and I protected each other.

Tinapik ko ang tuktok ng ulo niya na parang bata kaya kaagad na tiningala niya ako. Natawa naman ako nang hawiin niya ang kamay ko at inangat ang kamao sa akin.

"Stop petting me like that. Hindi ako aso." Naningkit pa ang mga mata niyang singkit bago hinawi ang buhok niyang naka-barber's haircut.

"Aww... Don't worry, mas cute ka sa aso, My Bailey!" Saka ako yumukod nang bahagya at kinurot ang magkabilang pisngi niya.

Her eyes widened before she shrugged both of my hands on her cheek. Napataas ang isa kong kilay nang makita ang pamumula ng mga tainga niya saka nag-iwas ng tingin sa akin. Bailey even flattened her black leather jacket before she rubbed her nape where a tattoo of her saying 'Always be true to yourself' was located.

"Humanap ka na nga nang lalaki mo! Para tigilan mo na ako sa mga pakurot-kurot ng pisngi," she groggily said before drinking the shot of vodka in front of her.

I giggled before I hugged her tight. Her body became rigid but she didn't push me. Nang humiwalay ako ng yakap sa kaniya, natawa ako nang malakas dahil sa pamumula ng mga pisngi niya.

"Hoy! Totoo ba 'tong nakikita ko? Kinikilig ba sa akin ang dakilang si Bailey Zara Cortez?" I teased her and she gave me a glare.

"Babae ang hanap ko, pero hindi ikaw ang type ko," she said bluntly, avoiding my gaze and then slapping her flushed cheeks with her hands.

Napairap naman ako bago humarap na sa dance floor kung nasaan ang sandamakmak na mahaharot na nilalang. Everyone were grinding their hips and rolling their bodies along with the hyped and sexy beat of music.

Sa ganitong crowd ko ba talaga hahanapin ang lalaking hahayaan kong angkinin ang virginity na iningatan ko for twenty-one years?

Mukhang tama nga si Bailey- nababaliw na ako.

I grinned before I stride towards the sea of party-people with blurred faces. This was exactly what the real meaning of living this life was all about- to go for it when yourself was telling you not to do it.

"Let's live this life, shall we?" I told myself before giving off a big smile. I tried looking straight to everyone, faking eye-contact even though I couldn't see their faces.

Sweat. Smell of alcohol and cigarettes. Clashing bodies. Banging music. These were the things that greeted me the moment I let myself get drowned by the crowd.

Hinayaan kong tuluyang malunod sa mga nagsasaya at nagpapakawalang mga tao. Nawala ang inhibisyon sa aking katawan kasabay ng mga sigaw at tili na pinakawalan ko. Tumalon ako nang lahat ay tumalon dahil sa malakas na musika. Sumayaw ako nang may maramdaman akong mga kamay sa baywang ko na iginagaya ang balakang kong bumaling sa kaliawa't kanan. Hinayaan kong mawala ako sa saliw ng musika at sa hindi matapos-tapos na mga sigawan at kantahan.

The next thing I knew, the music died out along with the crowd's wild shouts and cheers. A high-frequency sound echoed throughout the whole bar as set of instruments were being set-up by group of males.

I was in complete awe as I stood right in front of the center stage where a band was setting up their instruments.

I didn't know a band will perform tonight.

"Are you ready party-people! Shall we get the party rolling?!" The guy with a mohawk hairdo and holding an electric guitar shouted. The whole crowd responded with a roaring cheer of 'Yes'.

"Oh yeah! We are the Vulture and join us as we rock this night!" Bumaling ang lalaki sa katabi niya at tinapik ang balikat nito. Sunod no'n ay pinalitan nung isang lalaki si Kuyang mohawk ang buhok at siya na ang humawak sa mic stand.

The vocalist, I guess?

"It's nice to be back again. I am Rupert and let me rock your night! We are the Vulture! I hope you enjoy our music!"

A shudder run through my skin because of the hoarse yet sexy voice of the man, whose name was Rupert, standing behind the mic stand. I couldn't see his face clearly even though I was in the most front of the audience area. The dancing lights in the bar made it harder for me to see his face.

But then, his voice... I like the sound of his speaking voice. It sounded familiar- hoarse and manly.

The sound of the electric guitar roared and I suddenly became attentive. I waited in anticipation for the vocalist's voice to fill the whole bar along with the rock music being played by his band.

Nagsimulang maghiyawan ang mga tao nang pumailanlang na ang boses ng bokalista. The Vulture hyped the crowd and I found myself enjoying the voice I am listening to. His voice was really majestic and he sings so good.

| They say before you start a war

You better know what you're fighting for

Well baby, you are all that I adore

If love is what you need, a soldier I will be |

I found myself with a grin on my lips, tapping my foot on the floor, nodding my head along with the beat and later on, actually singing along with the chorus.

| I'm an angel with a shotgun

Fighting til' the wars won

I don't care if heaven won't take me back

I'll throw away my faith, babe

just to keep you safe |

Oh, I love The Cab's songs specifically this one- Angel with a Shotgun.

|Don't you know you're everything I have?

And I, wanna live, not just survive, tonight |

I couldn't agree more. With everything I've been through- after surviving breast cancer- yes, that's what I want to do- to live, not just survive.

Nagtalunan ang mga nanonood at nakikinig nang narating ang bridge ng kanta. I must say that was the most hyper part of the song- and the vocalist's voice killed every notes with such grace and prowess.

|And I'm gonna hide, hide, hide my wings tonight |

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang biglang tumalon pababa 'yung vocalist mula sa stage. Napatigil ako mula sa pagtalon at pagsigaw nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin ng vocalist ng Vulture. He was standing in front of me, just an inch closer to me. I had the chance to see his face much clearer in this distance. I couldn't recognize the features of his eyes, nose or facial shape but... I noticed a shiny thing on his lips. There's something shiny on his bottom lip that caught my gaze.

|They say before you start a war

You better know what you're fighting for

Well baby, you are all that I adore

If love is what you need, a soldier I will be |

He ended the song while looking directly to me. The microphone was the only barrier in between our faces. I found myself memorizing the playful and familiar glint on his brown eyes.

"Let's start the love tonight!"

Nawala ako sa pagkakatitig sa lalaking 'to na nagngangalang Rupert. Nakakunot ang noong inikot ko ang paningin sa paligid ko nang magsimulang mag-count down ang lahat.

"Ten!"

What the heck is happening? Bakit pares-pares na magkakaharap ang lahat ng tao?

"Nine!"

I looked at the man standing in front of me. His face was blurred except for his eyes looking at me intently.

Siya ang kaharap ko... We are a pair... May ibigsabihin 'to? Ano bang nangyayari?

"What the heck-"

"Eight," the guy named Rupert suddenly before I felt his arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer. "Seven," he continued counting along with the people.

"What is this about?" I asked in panic and tried to free myself from his hold. But he held me tighter and his face inched closer. "Gago ka ba?!"

"Just get along," he said before he mouthed the word 'six'.

Natanga naman ako at kaagad na itinulak ang dibdib niya para magkaroon nang mas malaking pagitan sa mga mukha namin.

"Five!"

"Get off of me!"

"Four!"

My eyes widened when he chuckled with my guarded reaction instead of letting me go. The crowd cheered for 'Three' and he pulled me even closer until the tip of my nose touched his.

Napasinghap ako kasabay nang pagdampi ng mabango niyang hininga sa mukha ko. For a person with prosopagnosia, my other senses are much stronger than my eyesight in able to remember certain things about the people I met like how they smell, sound and feel against my touch.

His minty breath stunned me for awhile before I felt the comforting warmth coming from his arm around my waist.

"Two!"

I stared at the shiny and sparkling thing on his bottom lip when his free hand cupped my cheek. His rough yet warm palm caressed my skin, sending an unexplainable tingle on my body.

Why the heck am I reacting this way?

"One!"

Walang pagdadalawang-isip na lumapit ang mukha niya sa mukha ko kasabay nang biglang pagdilim ng buong paligid dahil sa biglaang pagpatay ng mga ilaw.

"We met again, woman," the guy named Rupert said before I felt something warm touched my lips.

The next moment I knew, my gasp was ended by warm set of soft lips.

In the middle of the darkness, I saw his figure so close to me. His hand held my nape, strong enough to pull my face closer. His other arm around my waist trapped my body.

This Rupert guy was kissing me!

I felt something cold on his lips- like a metal ring- as he gave me a scorching deep kiss.

"Uhmnnn..." I moaned when he entered my mouth with his hot tongue.

I can't believe I am letting him to kiss me like this. I can't believe I am enjoying this!

"So sweet," he whispered before claimed my lips again.

That's when I wrapped my arms around his neck, while responding to the torrid kiss we share.

Maybe a rockstar was the guy I was looking for tonight.