When Youre Gone

Prologue

Trust. Trust ourselves.

But don't overtrust because it will lead in a disappointment.

I'm very disappointed in myself right now. I tried everything I could think of. I strived to pleased everyone. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na kaya pang tumanggap ng mga kasinungalingan nila. Hindi ko na kaya pang mag bulag-bulagan.

It lead me into trouble.

The decisions I made is all wrong.

This is my fault. Palagi naman akong mali, kahit saang anggulo tignan, ako lahat ang mali.

"Reia! Huwag mo sabihing 88 lang ang pinaka mataas mo?! Aren't you feel embarassed?!"

"Bakit hindi mo gayahin ang kapatid mo na palaging nasa top at hindi bumabagsak?! Bakit hindi mo magawang magtino at proud ka pa sa mababang grado na 'yan?! Magkasalungat nga kayo ng ate mo! Napakabobo mo!"

We are not the same.

"Palagi ka kasing sumasama sa mga kaibigan mo at nababarkada ka. If you won't stay away from them, I'll confiscate your phone! Huwag ka nang sumasama sa kanila para hindi ka nagagaya! Nakukuha mo 'yang mga ugali mo sa kanila, ano?"

Paulit-ulit ko na lang naririnig ang mga litanya ni Daddy na parang sirang plaka. I already tried my best. I did it but he was blind!

I'm not smart as my sister to get a high grade, why do they have to compare the two of us?

Daddy yelled angrily at me, "Don't whisper there or I'll get you out of here!"

I inhaled deeply till my throat felt tightened. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I fought them back since I didn't want to be scolded.

Why they hate me?

I got up from the sofa and sluggishly walked into my room, where tears streamed down my face one after another as I locked the door and ran down to my bed, where I hugged my pillow while crying.

I'm such a disappointment.

Since I graduated from high school, I haven't heard Mommy and Daddy compliment me. They limit me so much now that I'm in senior high, and their cruel remarks sting me so much. Ang hirap matanggap na sa kaniya pa na sa mismong ama ko pa nanggaling ang mga ganoong salita.

Ni hindi ako makapagsalita tuwing nasa harap na nila ako because I'll cry more. Walang lumalabas na salita sa bibig ko dahil tanging iyak na lamang ang nangunguna. It pained me. Iniiyak ko na lang ang lahat nang hindi ine-explain ang side ko.

Si ate, siya lang ang nakakaintindi sa akin.

"Reia? Your ate Manda is here, please open the door, please!" pagmamakaawa ni ate. I didn't open it since my blood was boiling every time I'm seeing her but all she did was understand me.

Mas matanda siya ng isang taon sa akin.

"Reia? Nandito si ate, buksan mo naman parang awa mo na," I stood up, but before opening the door, I clenched my fist and gently opened it, tears streaming down my cheeks after I saw her face.

Even though I despised her, I couldn't help but think she was the only person who knew what I was going through.

Nang makita niya ako ay kaagad niya akong niyakap, sinara niya ang pinto at saka niya ako hinila papalapit sa aking kama.

"I'm sorry about our Dad. Kakausapin ko si Daddy tungkol-"

"You don't need to do that." iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kaniya at yumuko.

Kahit anong gawin mo, ikaw pa rin 'yong mas angat.

"Reia, please!" umiling siya. "You've been through to yourself, please rest."  She hugged me, and as soon as I felt the warmth of her embrace, tears poured down my face like a river.

"I'm your ate, I'm always here to understand you, please trust me."

Iyan ang huling linya na sinabi niya matapos kong makatulog.

Trust her. So I did. I trust her.

"Wake up, I cooked your favorite ulam, Caldereta."

Kaagad akong napamulat nang maamoy ang ulam na iyon. Kumurog kurog ang sikmura ko at dali-daling nagtatakbo papuntang bathroom ko at saka naghilamos at pagkatapos ay bumalik ako sa aking kama at kinain ang dala niya.

Hindi ko siya tinitignan dahil ayokong makaramdam ng awkwardness.

"Good Morning," she smiled but I ignored her and kept eating. "After mong maubos iyan ay tawagin mo lang ako, gusto mo pa bang kanin?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Leave, I can take care of myself," she slowly nodded.

"Okay, then... mauuna na ako," tumayo siya at saka dahan-dahang isinara ang pinto ko. Nag-init ang gilid ng mata ko.

She understand me that's why she's doing this.