Fear of the Unknown

SLEEP PARALYSIS: (is this real?!) From being obsessed with barbie cartoons, the power puff girls and being scared of the dark to being obsessed with horror and finding peace of mind in the dark. I keep asking myself; “where did that little girl go to?” She was radiant, full of life and a girly girl. Now all she did was sleep and pray the morning sun doesn’t rise early so she doesn’t get out of bed. This dreadful journey started few years ago. Life was very pleasant not until her parents decided to go their separate ways.

She wasn’t totally sure why they got a divorce but could remember seeing them fight about things she never understood everyday. They never for once tried hiding the fact that they despise each other. An only child she was so she had no one to share her pain with. Bottled all her emotions and tried not to let it out as she would be considered weak. School was her safe place as she was far away from the torments back home. She couldn’t even make friends because she had to relocate periodically. . One minute she’s with her mom, next with her dad and when they were finally sick of the game abandoned with her grandmother. A girl tossed around like she meant nothing with few bags of gold to survive on. Slowly she crawled into depression. Listened to sad music in dark rooms to escape from reality. Was that the solution? Well, for her yes, but it wasn’t for real. She ventured into watching horror movies because she found them enticing and captivating. Binged watched a lot of series, movies and even crime documentaries. At this point, she was obsessed and couldn’t go a night or two without watching one. Yes, she watched them at night. THAT girl turned into a night owl. Void of emotions. Unsurprisingly, she started having thoughts, crazy and wild imaginations. Tried self harming to act out what she saw in the movies, she felt like a pathetic loser because she lost all motivation to do anything positive. A failed suicide attempt? Yes she did that! Guess who suddenly cared? Her parents. Was hospitalised after trying to put into practice what she loved watching most.Scolded and sent back to her grandparents unapologetically. It may seem like most of the Gen Z act like they don’t need their parents support, morally, psychologically or in anyway. Being love deprived especially from parents is heart breaking. SHE was loved deprived. All she ever wanted was to go back home to her lovely parents telling her “ I love you, I’m proud of you “ . It never happened not even once. They were too busy with their wrestling matches. She wished for death, all the time and it did visit her. Not once, twice, thrice but multiple times. Death came knocking as sleep paralysis. On episode 1, she had taken a little nap.Few minutes into it, she felt the room go warm and she did feel the presence of a being.She felt a figure over her, strangling her, trying to take the little life she had left. She couldn’t move, talk or fight for herself. Just watching the monster do its thing. Had no idea how long it lasted but it seemed like it went on for ages when in reality it was just a minute. When the episode was over, everything seemed normal. She felt no body pains, no figure in her room, the monster was gone. She tried so hard to unravel this mystery but her brain couldn’t fathom something reasonable for an explanation . Who could she tell? Who would believe her? Her classmates thought she was a weirdo and that was enough drama for her so once again she kept it to herself. Episode two was similar only that the figure didn’t try strangling her; it just roamed aimlessly round her room and she couldn’t do anything because she felt like she was tied down, neither could she scream. After 2-3 episodes she concluded she was going crazy because nothing made sense. Why was she seeing monsters in her room and why couldn’t she speak up about it?! It just felt surreal. It used her trauma against her, that’s what scared her the most. While this creature overpowered her it filled her mind with images of her parents and everything she’s gone through including the suicide event. They all seemed blurry like fog and didn’t make sense. What was it trying to teach or show her? After several thoughts, she decided to stop watching horror as she believed whatever she was going through was because of the movies and the thoughts she had about them. That was just a decision and she tried her best to cut it out which she did progressively. Yes! The frightening episodes stopped. In as much as she decided to give it a try, she didn’t completely believe it would work. No monster, no fearsome creature, she was finally free. That whole experience shaped her, she decided to let go of the hurt and pain she felt in her heart by forgiving her parents. She believed it would help her heal faster and become a better person. Till date, she’s still trying to figure out if all the episodes were real as it felt like she was in a horror movie or she was just going crazy. I guess we will never know but one thing is sure. That creature helped her get rid of all the negative energy. It helped her regain her lost self; the girl obsessed with “barbie movies”. She survived and viewed life from a better perspective knowing her worth. This is to everyone out there who’s going through any stress: psychologically, mentally, emotionally. Hang in there. You will be alright. At the end of the day, it’s all in your head and you can do better.

I am SHE. My name is Linda this is my story.