The Thought of You

JOANA'S POV

"Joana!" my elder sister, Becky, shouted from downstairs. I was up in my bedroom reading some magazine I had found on the couch downstairs.

I didn't have the power to answer because it was obviously one of her tantrums. It was always the torture Joana game in this house.

"Joana Emily Arnold!" she shouted. She was probably trudging upstairs now. My family members calling me by my full name meant fire. I had asked for it anyway but was it really necessary to answer a scolding call?

In two minutes my door burst open revealing Becky. She glared at me with her you-have-not-seen-the-last-of-me eye.

"I've been calling you for ages yet you've been here all along pretending you couldn't hear me, Joana and what on earth are you doing with my magazine. I thought I warned you not to touch my things without my permission," she hissed snatching the magazine away from me leaving marks on my hand with her long expensive nails.

As if the drama wasn't enough, my mother, Isabelle Arnold, made her entry with her other son aka Becky's twin brother, Tony, right behind her. Save me, Lord.

"Can we ever get peace in this house? What's the ruckus about now?" Mom asked.

I remained silent looking at them. I didn't want any trouble.

"I think it's high time you got rid of Joana, Mother. I just can't stand her anymore. You have to take action," Becky flared folding her arms.

"Joana, what have you done this time?" Mom asked shooting me daggers.

Of course, in terms of picking sides, my mom always favored her eldest two.

"Does it always have to be my fault or something I did Mom?" I said softly looking straight into her eyes.

If someone was to come up with a theory that she wasn't my biological mother and they weren't my biological siblings I'd believe them without a second thought.

"Show some respect to your mother, Joana," Tony warned typing something on his phone. He was just like the rest.

"Does she ever respect me? It's like she has two children and I'm just a nobody in this house."

"Yes, that's what you are! You thought you were some princess? You disgust me. You resemble nothing Arnold worthy. You are a disgrace to our family," Becky spat at me venomously.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. Yes, I knew that was the case but they didn't have to rub it in my face. My eyes had already welled up tears threatening to spill.

"Why? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve all this hatred from you?"

My eyes were filled to the brim with tears but it didn't faze them even one bit.

"Dad died because of you, Joana. It was purely your fault. I just wish it had been you who died in that accident not him. We will never forgive you for snatching away the best man from this planet," Tony spat at me.

If I had been close to him he'd have slapped me hard.

"How was I supposed to know we'd crash that day?" I defended myself.

"You were stubborn to go out, Joana. Your childish tantrums cost me my husband, Joana."

"But..."

"Has anyone ever told you how irritating your voice is? Your voice is so low and scratching. Maybe you should try and speak less because I'm sure no one would be interested in hearing your voice," Becky advised and walked out without waiting for my reply.

Mom and Tony followed suit banging the door.

I felt an inexplicable lump lodge in my throat. I fell into a disheveled heap on the floor and my tears involuntarily spilled down my cheeks.

I was bleeding inwardly. Maybe they were right. Maybe it was my fault but I'd never hurt my best friend and superman on this entire planet.

Victor Arnold was my everything. I remembered his death every day as if it were yesterday. Everything had happened so fast that I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye or try to save him.

He saved me but couldn't save himself. The guilt I felt was intense.

Before his death everything was perfect. We were the perfect family. I was a daddy's girl and everyone's favorite. I used to smile too, laugh, and be the life of the party.

His death was a wind of change. I lost everything that day. I lost my family, my inner self, hope itself, and my voice too.

I couldn't raise my voice anymore because when the car burst into flames I screamed so loud that I damaged myself. I didn't have the confidence to do so anyway.

Sometimes I wished I had died in his place. We couldn't live without each other. I was dying from the inside.

It had already been five years now and I still missed him every day.

I wiped away my tears and hugged my trembling knees reminiscing on all the memories.

If only I could turn back time.

Becky and Tony were twenty-six-year-olds, Lisa being a top model with beauty and brains. She had everything a lady needed. She was currently the top paid model in the state.

Tony had taken over the company. He was the new CEO. He was very popular, successful, and drop-dead gorgeous. He was popular among ladies especially models of the same class and businesswomen.

Isabella Arnold, my mom, was a board member at the company and she ran a successful boutique in town. She was filthy rich and it was all purely from hard work. She had the typical Arnold looks and appeared younger than her age.

Then me. Joana Emily Arnold. Call me the black sheep. The unpopular one. At the age of twenty-five, I had nothing and sadly no one. I was educated but had to find myself a job. I never went out in public to avoid embarrassing my picture-perfect family.

I took a deep breath and got up. For five years I had been waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel. Where was it?