My Boyfriend is a Stand-up Comedian

My boyfriend was a comedian.

After we broke up, I blocked him on WhatsApp, and he had the audacity to message me on Zhihu, pretending to run a romance scam.

"Hey, dear friend, do you want to get rich overnight?"

I stared at the string of rose emojis that followed, my expression frozen for two seconds.

"Hey, who are you?" "Dear friend, my name is David, from New York..."

I let out a cold laugh. "Kolton, next time you try to scam someone, change your profile signature first."

The first time I met Kolton was at a live comedy show.

He was the performer, and I was in the audience.

Kolton was the last to come on stage, delivering a ten-minute set about never having been in a relationship.

The jokes were rapid-fire, and the crowd was in stitches, except for me, sitting there stiffly and formally.

The day before the show, I had just broken up with my boyfriend of several months.

He said I was too strong-willed and not feminine enough.

I retorted that he relied on me too much when things got tough, not manly at all.

We mutually decided to part ways, and my best friend, seeing I was upset, gave me a ticket to the show to cheer me up.

Perhaps my expressionless demeanor was too conspicuous, because before the show ended, Kolton suddenly started interacting with me on stage: "Ma'am, you look like a sponsor whose money just went down the drain, and everyone around is just here to boost my value."

I stared at his fluffy, boyish hair for two seconds. "Really? Then how much are you worth?

Let's see if I can afford it."

The atmosphere exploded, and the crowd began clapping, cheering, and whistling.

Kolton was momentarily stunned, his bravado faltering.

"I'm here for the jokes, not for sale."

I finally laughed. "A handsome guy doing stand-up? What a waste of your face."

After we got together, Kolton mentioned that day, telling me he fell for me at first sight.

"Everyone was laughing so happily, but you sat there, looking like you'd just lost a million-dollar deal."

"But after just a few words, you had me laughing so hard my face turned red."

I didn't believe him. "You fell for me at first sight, yet I had to be the one to pursue you and confess?"

Kolton hesitated for a long time before whispering in my ear, "I was afraid you'd say I was using my public persona to... gain fans."

He said the last two words so softly, his ears turning red before he finished.

I looked at him incredulously, then said meaningfully, "You're quite... shameless."

This was my fifth year hustling in Hoshauvania, breaking through in the workplace and getting promoted to management.

My salary doubled, and I could finally move out of my shared nine-square-meter room into a larger one-bedroom apartment.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend Kolton was a stand-up comedian struggling to make a name for himself.

After a year in the industry, he hadn't appeared on any variety shows, maintaining a schedule of two to three live performances a month, earning just enough to get by in Hoshauvania.

So, in the third month of our relationship, I asked him to move in with me.

Kolton insisted on splitting the rent, but I pulled him in for a kiss. "Forget it. You'd better put more effort into other areas."

A six-foot-tall man flailed on the couch. "That's too much!

Jemma, you look down on me. Do you know who I am?"

I impatiently tugged at his shirt. "I know, you're the man who wants to become light."

At 23, Kolton still firmly believed in the existence of Ultraman and hoped that one day an owl from Britain would deliver his Hogwarts acceptance letter.

All his social media profiles bore the same signature: "Always believe in the light!"

I admit, it was this unyielding innocence and sincerity that attracted me, allowing me to escape the harsh battles of life and find a moment of respite by his side.

Kolton was determined to make it big in stand-up comedy. When I asked if he'd considered changing careers, he'd look at me seriously and say, "If I can't make it in stand-up, I'll have to go back and inherit the family business and mansion."

He paused, then added, "I don't want that boring life of a rich person. I crave freedom."

His seriousness was the same as when he suddenly sat up in the middle of the night to tell me, "Ultraman must exist in this world."

I wordlessly picked out a cherry and popped it into his mouth. "Shut up and eat more fruit, less nonsense."

According to Kolton, I was his first love. Before me, he was focused on his career and hadn't considered dating.

He shyly said, "I never thought my first relationship would be with a fan. It's thrilling."

I burst out laughing. "Do I look like your fan?" "You came to see my show!"

"My friend gave me the ticket. It was a company perk."

I mercilessly teased, "I'm dating you simply because you're handsome."

Kolton suddenly turned away, moving to the foot of the bed.

I waited two minutes, and he still hadn't returned.

I called out, "Kolton." "Don't call me," he mumbled, "I'm still mad. Let me calm myself down before I come back."

So, I jumped out of bed, rummaged through the wardrobe, feeling Kolton's sidelong glances, and changed into a creamy silk nightgown right in front of him.

In a flash, he was in front of me, sweeping me into his arms, kissing my cheek, and accusing, "Ms. James, I need to prove something."

"Prove what?"

"Prove that besides being handsome, I'm also quite capable in other areas!"

During our relationship, I was often forced to stay up late.

The next morning, I'd be awakened by the smell of frying eggs, stumbling into the kitchen to find Kolton, wearing only an apron, turning to me shyly.

"Dear master, breakfast or me first?"

After we started dating, Kolton's material changed.

He shifted from singlehood jokes to relationship ones, and unexpectedly, a joke about "having a weak stomach but wanting to be taken care of" gained some online traction.

He was then invited to audition for the latest season of a show.

Initially, I thought it was the start of Kolton's career taking off.

Little did I know, it marked the end of our year-long relationship.

After the breakup, I moved in with my best friend, Bella.

One evening, while we were drinking on the balcony, Bella accidentally played the latest episode of a variety show, and Kolton's vibrant face appeared on the screen.

She froze, about to turn it off, but I softly said, "Let's watch."

The competition was halfway through, and Kolton had made it through the rounds, shining as a newcomer.

He stood on stage, telling jokes, still using "my girlfriend" as a reference, and finally stared into the camera.

"Compared to Ultraman, I now prefer to believe in Doraemon. At least he could pull out a door and take me to you right now."

The room was silent for two seconds before erupting in applause.

Bella turned to me, tears in her eyes, but I calmly cut her off.

"How do you know the 'you' he's talking about is me?"

Despite my words, I couldn't sleep that night.

I lay in the small guest bed at Bella's, tossing and turning, unable to rest, so I picked up my phone.

Kolton was already trending, with questions about him on the rise. I clicked in and saw someone spreading rumors that he was a rich kid who paid others to write his material.

I was about to clarify when a private message popped up.

I opened it to find a selfie of a foreigner. "Hey, dear friend, do you want to get rich overnight?"

A string of rose emojis followed.

I paused for two seconds, unable to resist typing, "Hey, who are you?"

"Dear friend, I've just arrived in China, and you're an intriguing girl."

My name is David, from New York...

This person's ID was simply David, and his Chinese was awkwardly broken, making it seem like a typical scam operation.

I clicked into his profile, ready to block him, but then I saw his personal motto.

"Always believe in the light!"

After a moment of silence, I replied with a cold laugh, "Is the stand-up comedy industry collapsing, so you're branching out early?"

"Kolton, before you go out to scam people next time, change your personal motto first."

3

After being exposed, he wasn't embarrassed. Instead, he asked me, "Why did you block me on Whatsapp?"

"You know why, don't you?"

I replied with a mocking tone, "Because I'm still entangled with my ex, because I used you as a distraction, and now I find you boring, so goodbye."

Then Kolton sent me a meme.

It was a Psyduck with the caption, "You're just saying that in anger, I don't believe it."

I stared at the image and, despite myself, burst out laughing.

Kolton sent another message.

"Jemma, it was wrong of me to say those things that day, but that can't be the real reason you broke up with me.

Tell me, why did you block me without even giving me a chance to explain?"

My fingers trembled slightly, and a sharp pain pierced my heart, almost making me drop my phone.

When I came back to my senses, my vision was slightly blurred.

I wiped my eyes and typed word by word into the chat box: "That night, I saw you get into that woman's car."

A Maserati painted in iridescent purple, with a woman in a purple silk dress leaning against it, got into the car with Kolton, her arm linked with his.

Across a street and a flowerbed, I had just finished a late shift and was holding a steaming rice ball as I walked out of the convenience store when I saw this scene.

After being stunned for a couple of seconds, I took out my phone and texted Kolton, "Where are you?"

It took a long time for him to reply, "I'm working late at the studio on script revisions!

Why aren't you asleep yet, darling?"

I called him directly.

After several rings, Kolton picked up.

It was quiet on his end, and his voice carried just the right amount of weariness and puppy-like delight, "What's up, missing me?"

How could I forget, stand-up comedians are performers too.

Faced with his flawless performance, I was silent for a long time but eventually spoke calmly, "Nothing, just wanted to confirm.

If you're not coming back tonight, I'll lock the door."

"Don't lock it, I'll bring you breakfast tomorrow."

I tugged at the corner of my mouth, hung up the phone, and threw the now completely cold rice ball into the trash can.

Initially driven by lust; how could I expect it to remain constant?

The next morning, Kolton indeed returned. I opened the door with a toothbrush in my mouth and saw him sitting on the doormat, leaning against the door with two boxes of dumplings in his arms.

"Why didn't you leave the door open for me?"

I calmly said, "I forgot."

On a rare weekend off, Kolton and I went to a private cinema to watch Jarrod's "Whispers of the River."

On the way home, he kicked pebbles like a child and suddenly recited a line from the movie: "If one day I leave, will you look for me like Johnny did?"

After watching a movie, using its lines to converse with me was a routine Kolton and I had repeated countless times.

But at that moment, I suddenly didn't want to play along anymore, so I said, "No."

Kolton stopped in his tracks and turned to look at me sharply.

I said, "Let's break up, Kolton."

Success changed our relationship for the worse, then being worn down by hysterical arguments, had been played out in movies countless times. Let's not repeat it in our lives.

4

In the end, I didn't send that message, just blocked another of Kolton's accounts.

Because on the show, when the camera panned to the sponsor's seats, I immediately saw the woman with the Maserati from that night.

She looked at Kolton with undisguised admiration.

What more could I ask?

Should I expect Kolton to tell me that the brand manager who drove him out late at night and made him lie to me was actually a distant relative?

I thought he would soon become a passerby in my life, just like my previous two boyfriends.

Then on Monday at work, my supervisor suddenly informed me that an artist was coming for promotion and needed to be entertained.

I was modifying an unfinished proposal on my laptop and responded absentmindedly.

When I looked up, I saw Kolton not far away.

He was wearing a cream-colored hoodie, and perhaps he hadn't shaved properly that morning, looking a bit haggard.

Two people followed him, a man and a woman, both actors from the same show.

I overheard my colleagues whispering, "Hey, isn't that Kolton and Melina?"

"With 'Longing for You' being so popular, maybe it's true!"

The group followed the PR department leader to our vicinity.

But at that moment, Kolton felt incredibly distant from me.

As lunchtime approached, they got on stage, supposedly for an impromptu performance.

It was rare to slack off openly during work hours, so a group of colleagues excitedly gathered around, and I lingered at the back with my cup.

His jokes were still about "my girlfriend," and it was hard to imagine how he could extract so many shining moments from our mundane daily life and present them so vividly to my ears.

More troubling was that while telling these stories, his gaze kept piercing through the crowd, landing on me.

In the end, Kolton said, "Previously, an audience member asked me who my girlfriend is. Actually, she's here today.

I know she's been watching me."

As my colleagues squealed with excitement, I lowered my head to drink water, hiding my racing heartbeat.

"It's Melina!" someone whispered, "He's confessing to Melina!"

Even stand-up comedians have pairings, with genuine fans shipping them.

I couldn't deny that at that moment, my chest tightened, and I felt suffocated.

After lunch, I took a walk by the lake in the company park. As I passed a secluded corner, a hand suddenly reached out and pulled me over.

A scream caught in my throat as Kolton covered my mouth, his bright eyes looking at me from up close, "Jemma, did you hear it?"

"Hear what?"

"My inner cry!" he said earnestly, "If I weren't afraid you'd throw your cup at my head, I would've rushed over to hug you at your company."

"We're over."

"And the reason?"

He looked like a dejected puppy, "If you think I'm not mature enough, I can change."

I took a deep breath and still said, "That night, I saw you get into the sponsor's car from across the street."

Kolton froze for a moment, then stepped back, holding his chest in mock disbelief as he looked at me, "You suspect me of selling myself?!"

"...Or maybe selling your talent, like telling jokes while others drink."

Seeing his wounded expression, I offered a token consolation, "Or you could explain why you got into their car but lied to me about being at the office writing scripts."

This time, it was Kolton who was at a loss for words.

In those few seconds of his silence, the warmth and longing in my heart gradually cooled.

Finally, Kolton mumbled, "Because... that sponsor is a distant relative of mine..."

Facing my piercing gaze, he couldn't continue.

"Kolton," I suppressed the pain in my heart, trying to keep my voice calm, "We've had a happy year together. Even if we part, let's not make it ugly."