Five Nights

production of her opera gave her. Our evenings were always spent together. We set aside two evenings in the week for our friends, giving

ond make some subtle difference, just by its existence; and did that account for the fact that we seemed to find a greater delight in each other's society, a greater need of each other tha

as peculiar because, being mar

as a rule, the people who love do not

eping on my arm, I had the same joyous elation as I had known under the thatched roof, during our first stay together. Unfortunately, however, a great passion for one object does no

nstancy, absolute exclusiveness is not the natural product of a great

always a prodigal, with the one great aim bef

rs by instinct. No, she is ever ready with others, ever rather prompting him, leading him towards others, in order that, should

le, always acting in and for th

e, she throws on the ground a m

tically and are always on the side of Nature. It is the mind alone that man

n love with the first, is not so often "I don't want him," as "

n't let the first one know." In both it is the anxiety of Nature that neither shou

usted me almost to the point sometimes of being unable to work, did not seal

ely. The sensuous attraction had become very great, and I was beginning to feel it was not in

senses can be called love. This she had, and from the first she had determined to subdue me. Her ruse of the first day had succeeded. Viola had never again come to the studio while she was there, and so hour after hour we were alone together

hand began to stir and thrill me. I felt a vague dislike and distrust of the girl mentally, I thought she was vain, selfish, mercenary, revengeful, and bad-tempe

painting, deeply absorbed, on the picture of the

e just for

imed, looking up and

he space intervening between us, and, before I was aware of

passion I also felt a storm of anger against her. I spr

e; you are hurting my shoulders," she ex

, and saw my grasp had left d

'm not going to paint any more." I pushed my chair away

ay, great tears rolled down the cheeks from the dark reproachful eyes. I saw it all for one moment, feeling the anger sinking down under that strange influence that beauty has upon us. But I would not look at her. I turned my back on her and went o

n, and now lay there senseless apparently and quite white, her arms, still bare, stretched out on the floor beside her. She looked so pretty, so small, round, and

couch. She lay there quite still,

water on the table, pressed it on to her head. I was kneeling by the couch. The

d her eye

led up at me just a little, opening the curved

on a child like this, the senses conquered, I put my head down, and kissed her passion

ittle girl, a

her arms

ve you so, I do love

assion in which the mind has no part, that passes over us as the wind ruffles the surface of the lake without moving the

I rose to my feet. Veronica caught at my hand, and, raising it

his sort of thing can do you no good, Veronica. It will o

-control, and hoped to win me over further by extreme docility. I walked away to the window, angry with myself, and yet angry again that that anger

nd asked for a parting kiss. I gave it, and sh

after, and I knew I had not much time. Viola was not there; she had dressed evidently and gone down. Sometim

. Why did I, now that I had left Veronica, feel self-reproach and regret a

t pansies at her breast, she looked, I thought, particularly charming. She smiled as I came in, but when I approached

m so afraid you wil

lightly and took a chair further from

ften and often I had hesitated when she had been in some of her magnificent toilettes to clasp her

crush me to her in spite of whatever laces or jewels mi

the scene in the studio? and then I dismissed it as quite impossible. It was coincidence, merely that. She could know nothing. Then, staring away from her into the little fire, I

moments and then the b

the meal and after, both during the theatre party to

re at breakfast alone she s

areful about that mode

d my ey

o you

ttle on your guard with her. You know how detestable some women can be. Th

to be able to take car

as annoyed, a

when a girl is as beautiful as that and you are shut up for hour

more and more annoyed. "I shall proba

esolved last night to get rid of Veronica and as soon as possible, and

r almost than the

y wish to do

oldly. "Have yo

eplied quietly. "You will get so drawn to her,

this all coincidence? It must be. How co

rsed and had I been speaking to Viola as she was to me, she would have been all sweetness,

a model and will never be anything than that. I shall keep her as long as I want he

n when I ceased, she inclined her head and wen

, one hand clasping the handle, her face turned towards me, was so perfect, the acquiescence so graceful and dignified; but i

s another, why should there be all this hateful, jealous tyranny? It is better to be free

in any way, I was free, and the remembrance came, too, why it w

o this is the result," I thought stormily, trying to

g. Waves of memory rolled over me against my will, memories of the wonderful passion that existed between us, something that went down to the roots of my being, that shook me to the very depths, as different as the day from the night from my passing fancy for Veronica's beauty.

try to soften the effect of my last words to her, but I could not find her, an

o her manner had been respectful and demure enough on the surface, though always with a suggestion of v

of course, and when I barely returned the

, Trevor? Viola be

Viola's name see

," I said

ace and began to take off h

The impersonal state of mind in which alone go

ealth very rarely excites pity or sympathy in men, but nearly always a feeling of vexation and annoy

ch disappeared if anything worried or grieved her. It was gone now

before I went up to paint," I

ered with a quick smile.

orry about Veronica. She i

ill you not send her aw

te' is f

red. "Besides, if I get any other model you

ssed and desired.

other. Viola was deadly pale, as she

ilent for

how she knew and could

and deny it, s

never to kiss another w

of derision com

as we are what we

k of a time when she would not be with

he tips of her eyelashes and fell all round her exquisite, girlish

rwise would be such a divine pleasure, a th

low tone. "It must be so. You would not wish me to kiss an

se of surprise and shock, it was almo

y, the instinct within me

n't see how it can be helped. You can have the promiscuous loves of all the women you mee

g up to my head, confusing my reason. I

he first might be better if o

towards the window and stood looking out for a fe

uld not paint. The pale, unhappy face o

e. She was the cause of all this vague cloud rising up in my life, which ha

nly annoyed and irritated me, and when I went down to t

ter what had passed at luncheon. We were so much one, so intimate, mentally as well as physically, that we could not quarre

s up to the joy of each other's society. When I told her I was not going back to

uch altered that our landlord would indeed have been astonished if he had suddenly looked in. The bed was a triumph of artistic skill, designed and arranged under her own directions, the curtains enclosing it were delicate in colouring and so soft in fabric that the bed seemed enveloped in a mass of blue clouds, gold-lined, and all the sheets and clothing were filmy and lace-edged, and must have been the despair of the steam laundry; a blue si

dressing-room. We dressed together and took pleasure in so doing, as we did in everything that threw us into intimate companionship. We had no need of dressing-rooms since there were no teeth to come in and out, no wigs to be taken off and put on, no secrets on either side to be jealously guarded from one another. No, the room opening out of ours was a supper-room, where, when we came back late from opera or theatre, we could always count on finding cold s

r glowed in the white transparent skin, the lips we

her up tightly to my breast and kissed her and made

you needed something material. You look like

ed and dran

she had been pursuing already a long time. "What heaps of wonderfully be

aug

posing you send me

ght, how pretty they were, and how varied. I can qu

m afraid," I said grav

oni

rwise. I shouldn't love you if I didn't. But if

he other way; I have gi

ur own happiness? I thought ab

y much the same with them all; but with you there is some extraordinary passion

her arms on the table and looking at

ot do to give you pleasure, to delight and satisf

ev

t was in her power to give. Still she held something

*

that lay in her soft kisses, in the bloom of her beauty, in her professed devotion to myself. The Bacchante was not quite finished, so that gave me the out

er still. But, in spite of the clamour of the senses, there was s

distressed her. If I went further I did not know that she would ever forgive, and that

forward to, now it had come, she seemed tired and spiritless, and we dressed for dinner almost in silence. Captain Lawton and a

thought him a particularly handsome fellow, and to-night it struck me suddenly what an extremely attractive man he must be in a woman's eyes. He was dark and a little sunburnt from being in South Af

th her. Whether it moved her at all to see those dark eyes fill with fire as she smiled at him, to know

tide of good spirits and fun that flowed from Lawton. We took a co

ole time. In fact, the humour and fun of Lawton's libretto were irresistible, and the beautiful airs tha

ola was in white, and her delicate, rose-like fairness delighted the audience, and the women clapped Lawton with good-will. Handsome, easy, dignified, graceful, and debonair as usual, he smiled and

session. As the whole scene and her triumph stirred and roused my passion for her, some voice seemed interroga

and then Lawton gathered together his party and we all filed off in a stream of hansoms to th

my mind to dismiss Veronica as soon as I was sure I was satisfied with the picture and did not need her again. Full of this resolve, I was perhaps a little more careless than usual, less on my guard, and when at the

as rather vexed when I met her to see her looking particularly white and ill. She had seemed fairly well at luncheon, and I could not shake

model," when that feeling of irritation against her for

about things when I told her not to, sh

look ill or delicate that it made me angry with her, ins

while I dressed, and sat in the

had a headache, a

afternoon?" I asked. "Di

n the drawing-room most of the time, thin

ad been thinking about, but

elt she ought to be happy and pink-cheeked as a result of my good

to me. I saw her grow paler and her lips quiver. She did not speak, howe

terwards! How mad and blind one

nd is so difficult to meet or combat. I left the hotel where the dinner had been held quite early, and drove back to the house, longing and impatient t

tch-key and ran up the sta

going to seek her upstairs when a note set up b

tore it open, and ran my eyes hu

are

ed, it is merely the turning on of the wheel of time. We cannot stay the wheel,

alue most in this or any world. I have tried, but it is beyond me. You cannot think what I have suffered in these last weeks. I have reasoned with myself, asked myself what did it matter what you did when you were away from me, why should one rival n

l my thoughts upon you that is maddening, impossible now that you no longer belong to me. Even your presence, once the sun o

new. One does not have to see or hear; there is a sense, not yet discovered, that is above all the others, that tells us these things. When you came from

ps me in town, and we cannot well separate here without a scandal, which I know you would not wish. So I am goi

be like ordinary married people. You are free to choose whatever paths of pleasure open before you, I am the same. To-night when you come back you will find this letter instead of me. I shall dine out with one of these men who

as gone before this breaking of the tie between us! Now I seem

IO

*

th broke upon me in a blinding, lightning flash. I had lost her. But it was incredible, unthinkable. She was part of my life, part of myself. I still lived; therefore, she was mine. I felt paralysed. I could not grasp fully

offered none. All round me was orderly, placid. Only within me burned a hell, lighted by those wri

from a little table covered with vases of white flowers,

ring this ruin into my own life? Had

have known that. Then I recalled her appeals to me. She had asked me to give up Veronica, why had I not done so? Instead, how had I met Viola; how had I an

cally to pick it up. It was her handkerchief, crushed together and soaked through and through. How she must have

with scorching tear

sion and agony that had raged

f in my breast, and took up her letter again. Could

returned? I opened the door and went upstairs and through all the rooms in the house. All were empty. I saw the bedroom farthest from mine had been put ready for occupan

a moment no definite idea would form itself. Then the recollection of Lawton dashed in upon me. The man's head seemed photographed suddenly

gether, she would return to his chamber

uld think again. I went upstairs, took out my revolver, and loaded it. I thought I would go round to Lawton's place, ... but, when coming downstair

she would come back to me; but if I by my actions to-night brought any p

seemed impossible for me to do anything

tion, and how I might possibly inju

her absence mean nothing. But the other supposition, the t

ide and its claims broken down. Still, in a paroxysm of jealous agony and resen

I now felt, she had suffered, as

en it has expired, leaves some tenderness of feeling

ract my devouring thoughts. I enclosed a cheque for all, and more than the sum due to

and I alone had possessed it. How utterly and entirely she had given herself to me, me alone of all the many who coveted her. I had been the first, the only one for her, till my own hand had foolishly cut the ties that bound us together. If I lost her, suppose I gained everything else in the worl

it. They will tear their rival, even the female herself, in pieces rather than yield her up. But I! What had I done? A mate had nestled to my breast, and I had not been wise enough to hold it there. And now I suffered; how I suf

other mental pains of this life may last longer, but there is none that cut

upon my brain. I saw it everywhere, as it h

bout inside my chest as if it wanted to leap out between the ribs. Then I went to the door and threw it wide open. She stood there just outside. The light from wi

ct in arrangement as when she had started, on her face was a curious loo

gladly. She must have seen the agony of fear, of questioning i

to be back wit

urs of painful emotion was creeping over me, and the agony of

ery low tone. "I could not do anything on my side t

r and distinct. The relief of the loosening of the pressure of one hideous i

happened, then,

ghtly indented from long pressure of the kid. I saw that her glove had not been r

nd all the delightful times we had had together; and then I thought of all I had always tried to do for you, and how you were the first, the very first man I had ever cared for or done anything for, and how I had always belonged to you; and it seemed a pity to spoil it all-if you understand. I

intensely excited, and the excitement paled the skin, widened the lustrous eyes, heightened the extreme delicacy of the face. I bent o

a mo

aid, "did you c

I was terrified. I only wanted to escape. I got up to go, and just then I heard Lawton coming in. There was a screen near me, and it did just occur to me I

a mist of questioning horror. What had passed between

Mine! and I woul

My throat was so dry the words

t going when you came in. I can't stay.' Then, of course, he asked me why I had come and all that and, oh, heaps and heaps of things. You know all the usual things

of rage against the man, and almost also with her for putting he

said; "what

, you will change it again if you stay here some more hours,' and he came and sat on the chair arm beside me. You see, Trevor, it wasn't his fault a bit, for he guessed I had come with all so

now what Lawton feels for you. I know he is wild about yo

me before I would kiss him voluntarily. I think that convinced him, for he walked straight to the door and unlocked it and threw it open. Then he sai

ngs seemed surging within me I could not speak. My voice seemed dri

aling in, mingling with the electric gold glare it was so soon to kill. It seemed to me like that mysterious, impalpable spirit we

isty room, "are you glad I decided as I did? You must do just w

my arms, and at that warm, livin

or me really but you. Everything else is dust and ashes, that can be swept away by the lightest transient w

etween her lips, to drive them home to her heart. She was my regained possession, and the joy of it was like madness. She put her arms round my neck and lay q

T F

RIMSO