The Wit and Humor of America, Volume V. (of X.)

to the consideration

RC

ears like a star of the first magnitude, having a white twinkling light, and resembling somewhat the star Regulus in the constellation Leo. The day in Mercury is about ten minutes longer than ours, its year is about equal to three of our months. It receives six and a half times as much heat from the Sun as we do; from which we conclude that the climate must be very similar to that of Fort Yuma, on

E

tar, but never departing quite forty-eight degrees from the Sun. Its day is about twenty-five minutes shorter than ours; its year seven and a

lly discovered a mountain on it twenty-two miles in height, but he never could discover anything o

obably still fresh in the minds of our readers. By a large portion of society, however, she was considered an ill-used and persecuted lady, against whose high tone of morals and strictly virtuous conduct not a shadow of suspicion could be cast; Vulcan,

EA

t, for five dollars per annum, payable invariably in advance. As the Earth is by no means the most important planet in the system, there is no reason to suppose that it is particularly distinguished from the others by being inhabited. It is reasonable, therefore, to co

nhabitants of Venus the Earth appears like a brilliant star-very much, in fact, as Venus appears to us; and, reasoning from analogy, we are led to

pe of (to us) inconceivable form, may be pursuing a similar course of inquiry, and indulging in similar speculations regarding our Earth and its inhabitants. Gazing with curious eye, his attention is suddenly attracted by the movements of a grand celebration of Fourth of July in New York, or a mighty convention in Baltimore. "God bless my soul," he exclaims, "I declare they're alive, these little creatures; do see them wriggle!" To an inha

ing a horse violently over a smooth road, if the horse from viciousness or other cause suddenly stops, the man keeps on at the same rate over the animal's head; so we, supposing the Earth to be suddenly arrested on its axis, men, women, children, horses, cattle and sheep, donkey

y the movement. It is a singular fact that if a man travel round the Earth in an eastwardly direction he will find, on returning to the place of departure, he has gained one whole day; the reverse of this proposition being true also, it follows that the Yankees who are con

eered with the same ease and regularity through space and among the stars as a steamboat is now directed through the water. It will be a very interesting spectacle to see the Earth "rounding to," with her head to the ai

the locomotive engine as we should be to witness the above performance, which our intelligent posterit

; to which he replied, he was cruising about (officers and crew all well) on t

course being contained in a second Lecture, treating of the planets, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn and Neptune, the Aste

E

ed spendthrift its last quarter, and like an omnibus, is occasionally full and new. The evenings

epler and Tyco Brahe, however, held to the opinion that it was composed of Charlotte Russe, the dark portions of its surface being sponge cake, the light blanc mange. Modern advances in science and the use of Lord Rosse's famous telescope have demonstrated the absurdity of all these speculations by proving conclusively that the

republican form of government, and it is a blessed thing to reflect that the President of the United St

"the Moon was gazing down with an air of benevolence," or with "an air of complacency," or with "an air

ed in doubt and obscurity. The only authority we have for believing that such an individual exists, and has been seen and spoken wit

he Moon came

the way t

South, he bur

ld, hot p

nomers, who consider the passage an allegory. "The man in the South," being supposed typical of

LECTU

tors of the Pioneer Magazine. To those who may obtain such authority, it may be well to state that at the close of the Lecture it was the intention of the

the shaft of a candlestick, apples of different sizes being placed at their extremities to r

it is seldom returned uninjured. The author has known an instance in which a child four years of age, on an occasion of this

.

NTY'S

s Whitc

en we'z at A

the coun

t woods-an' p

out-door

swing; an' c

in 'em!-Yes

birds steals a

'em ef y

ne time, when

ut on t

the cellar-

ble wu

set by m

uls up-

l funny!-

ds in the c

es, where y

ful, go

" there an'

ut on t

et p'surve

on't 'lo

gizzurds-(do

nts does!

ime, the wind

d feel it

ll clover e

ld red-h

wite over m

et on th

AND TH

lett

, Willy, let t

fool you, you ha

muddle and your h

me, Willy, nev

have a

those wh

listen, and the boys

only c

re all th

man-talk; that's

, Willy, let h

r troubles when y

of women, and the

me, Willy, we ca

have a

black-an

e to teach you; there

must stop

ou go a-

man-talk; that's

Willy, the night

nd 'baccy, time

is swirling, s

me, Willy, com

have a

those wh

listen, and the boys

only c

re all th

man-talk; that's

, Willy, you a

re over, when th

ve made you, tr

me, Willy, you'l

have a

ur girl-d

acquainted with an

ll only

ones to

man-talk; that's

INERAN

s Raymond

rying on his back, at each side and in front of him, some part or piece of almost every imaginable thing. Umbrellas, chair bottoms, panes of glass, knives, forks

igure he stopped, and Dickey noticed that his face, which

"There's the Itinerant Tinker again! Now," he added hastil

was really surprised, for the old man, so far as he could judge from that dista

and unbroken thing in Fantasma Land! Every time he catches me," went on the Fantasm, as he edged cautiously away, "he tries to gl

ver stops with me more than ten minutes at a time

some of the heavier merchandise from off his back, and proceeded to mop his face vigorously with a great red handkerchief. Dic

entured Dickey, at last, "car

t Tinker, in a very mild, but

key hesitat

sighed the Itinerant Tinker; "c

key persisted, "they still make you wa

er nodded his head

ontent to sit there for ever, Dickey thought, without speaking. "I do wish he would talk," said h

d, sir?" Dickey

It took me twenty-seven hours and eleven minutes to fix it, and it broke ever

istressin

out?" whispered the Iti

tried," Dic

fell," he resumed dolefully, after another long interval of silence, "I tried to prop it up. But I met

ere you going when I

d ahead of him along the pa

e?" insis

murmured the Itinerant Tinker, "to see whe

llas in the Crypt, do they

Itinerant Tinker; "and that's

said Dickey, "I shoul

to his feet, rearranged on his back the merchandise he had laid aside,

erant Tinker, at length. "I only succeeded, however, in c

reach it?" asked Dick

y. "In order to reach it after I got there, I was obliged to sta

telling him. But his mild and gentle eyes wore such a serious ex

e to make her stand up-after she had set, you know. It proved a thankless task.

have not," r

l into disgrace, and was very much cut up over it. I tried to patch him up and he

him, I think," said D

choly tone. "That's nothing! I once attempted to solder a new

you do then?

e thing that I can do better than another," went on the Itinerant Tinker, after another embarrass

ickey eagerly answere

these necessary commodities, and I'll show you e

d burden, the Itinerant Tinker careful

, pointing toward a mound of earth.

re's one off there, just to th

. Whereupon he walked over to it and immediately

ult task, oiled his saw and returned it to his kit, "I

ed Dickey. "It sounds ver

t the two words, to love. Taking up a wedge the Itinerant Tinker printed the word dearly on the flat side of it, and the

proudly at arm's length and turning his head slowly from s

t infinitive, is

ant Tinker exclaimed; "didn't you

Dickey murmured r

lse could it be but a split

ly, "I never heard a block of wo

er, as he sank down on his pile of

g time, turning it admiringly now that way, now t

?" Dickey didn't care in the least to see it done, but he imagined th

imed the Itinerant Tinker. He actually sh

done?" asked Di

e hours and hours to glue that together. But first," he went on, after anoth

of glue, and, after distributing the sticky fluid over th

er a split infinitive. Beware, my boy, of splitting your infinitives; but i

he had loaded himself with his merchandise

nfinitives," replied Dickey, doubtful

tinerant Tinker, smiling vag

IC PED

sitting-sit

e school-h

dismal

was half-

'Sir, what i

came throu

rgotten it

m a Pe

so absent-

y cloth

myself up

hat odd?

y morning

b into

why I'm si

an! that'

is spectacl

, observe

in this n

t a po

y wish, good

smocosm

is strange

slowly

re firmiste

I cried, '

understa

which yo

e tell me,'

of the

e harp and

eir true

t answer y

I'm but

mend your

a dime, I

he frog dive

out to

an easy th

or was

he perched

a sight

e made gr

agogue

us very

so im

gnarly sti

with all

d softly o

ly as a

mped on and

us there

both our

were sor

og merely b

u'll drown! B

I left th

ng in t

o absent

he's si

ttle school-

ng in h

ite relat

os and m

had finished his story h

I doubt whether we shall reach the Cr

y a shrill voice, coming, it seeme

nk! jingle-junk!" shout

ped instantly. An angry f

f Witless, the Jester of Ivanhoe. I've been trying to

ent had its really amusing side, too; for he left behind him a trail of pots, pans, boilers, stove-lids, potato-mashers-in fa

TRIKE

liott

ke was di

ave said that he was discharged for "pernicious activity"; but the head of

nion idea. To this end, he undertook to organize the other messengers in the branch office, advancing all the arguments that he had heard his mother and his father use in their discussions. The boys thought favorably of the scheme, but most of them were inclined to let some one else do the expe

e laughed. Discharge him! Well,

itrate," h

ordered t

strike!" Danny had heard so much about conferences that he felt he was on safe ground now. "We can'

, rising from his desk, near wh

y, "I calls a stri

Danny by the collar before Danny knew what had happened, and the struggling boy

never had heard of anything like this. There was nothing heroic in it at all. He had exp

en who were striking were always the union men. So, this being a strike of one, he was an entire union. It did not take him long to decide that the first thing to do was to "picket the plant." That was a familiar phrase, and he knew the

bout to enter the messenger-office she was

he shouted

looked up to see if anythin

keep out?" she

with a rock if you don'

tle boy-"

boy," asserted Dan

ut she finally decided that

ssenger-office. She could not refrain from looking over her s

he cried hastily.

reply. "I'll smash your block

essenger-office, and Danny, triumphant,

messenger, retur

matter, Dann

asserted Danny. "Nobody

in," said t

, as he suddenly caught the boy a

d to say, for Danny gave every eviden

" aske

nes

a strike," ex

" apologized the boy. "I

stones a short distance away. He would be all right as

ected part in the little comedy. She had gone to another of the branch offices with the message she wished delivered, and had to

atter over th

surprised reply. "W

ed that she was driven away b

his feet there was a pile of smaller stones, and he held a few in his hands. On his right was a boy who had started on a trip a short time before, and on his left was one who should

out there and see what's the matter with Danny Burke.

ve within his lines. The big boy was a sort of star messenger, who did not fraternize with Danny anyhow. Consequently Danny

ncreasing crowd. "He's the biggest, ne

terers, thus proving that the loiterers are just as anx

manager to appear next, and the manager had incurred his personal enmity. In the

he same time raise the siege by beckoning Danny in, so that he might reason with him and show him how surely he would land in a police station if he would not consent to be a good boy. This would be quicker and better than summoning an officer. But the manager got the big stone in the pit of his stomach just

ding his stomach as if fearful that it might beco

ressed obey

e to state the terms on which he would permit the enemy to surrender, but he wa

the stomick-ache that when he recognizes the union an' gives me fifty cents more a

handsome," advised o

on the run," said

m's collar. The striker's defiance seemed to displease him, and, because he could not shake Danny, he shook Tim, and he said things to Tim that he would ha

lf dozen policemen had valiantly rushed through the crowd

n'?" demanded

" retorted the polic

" asserted Danny. "I g

ered the manager

row?" asked

said the manager,

fully. "You said it was a riot. You

ry, anyhow," insisted the man

asked the

," said Danny, which made th

er angrily. "I'll prefer the c

ed at Danny and t

t got the nerve to charge this ki

do it," said

returned the serg

e were in sufficient force to make resistance un

be present when Danny was brought in,

harge?" asked

grown man!" was the scor

" persisted the

with a rock," expl

. "I'm a good union man. You

at he was discharged, and he stationed

to do that," the

o it," asse

that the captain thought it

a man's place," he explained, "the em

ake my place-not while I was the

ughed the sergeant. "He had

to his prowess. Then it suddenly occurred to

tt in for, the

duty," said

t's your business to prot

" admitted

n't we th

the public. Both sides to a controversy always claimed that distinction, and the law-breaker was usually th

nwhile he tried to explain the matter to Danny, but Danny was obtuse. Why should not he do as his father and his father's friends did? When they had a disagreement with the boss, they picketed the plan

sion. "Dad'll say I'm right. Y

g," the capt

boy ought to be punished," sa

, for the recollection of that victory made all else seem triv

lowering manager, "he'll get worse and

e him a moment, please. Don't dodge, Danny. He'll go

did

u think you'll look, standing beside him in the po

manager promptly, forced to

trated story-will it be for the

he manager; "but he

that Dan arrived, acc

whaled?" demanded th

was expla

rue, Danny?

replied

fam'ly whale ye," she said, with a defiant l

rter at least he had expected su

f," said Dan. "The idee of breakin'

it yourself,"

what ye're talkin' about. A sthrike's wan

strike," ins

e union?" d

ed Danny. "I wa

" said Dan, ignoring his son's

, an' I've heard you laughin' over the way men who wouldn't strike was done up. We got to organize. Wasn't I organizin'? We got to enforce our rights. Wasn't I enforcin' t

im courage. But the last question made Dan jump, although he was

rrup him plenty. Ye get an exthry wan f'r that, Da

an' th' good man that's payin' ye wag

away. "I'm to be licked fer doin' what he does. Why don't he te

, "you're to be licked for learning you

the situation any the

ARTS IN

.J.

is mother's roosters to fight them at Bob Smith's grocery, and his father's plow-horses to enter them in "quarter" matches at the same place. He pitched dollars with Bob Smith himself, and could "beat him into doll rags" whenever it came to a measurement. To crown his accomplishments, Simon was tip-top at the game of "old sledge," which was the fashionable game of that era, and was early initiated in the mysteries of "stocking the papers." The vicious habits of Simon were, of course, a sore trouble to his father

. Putting the cards into one pocket, he coolly picked up the small coins which constituted the sta

boy, "half dat money's mine. A

the bark off both of us; and besides, with the hand I helt

n, we nebber finish

horns off a billy-goat. Don't that satisfy you? Somehow or another, you're d-d hard to please!" About this time a thought struck Simon, and in a low tone-for by this time the Reverend Jedediah

his was settled, and a pig driven into the ground, slyly and hurriedly, between Simon's legs as he sat on the ground, just as the old man reached the spot. He carried und

h the Scriptur', Simon? 'Go to the ant, thou sluggard,' and so forth and so on.

r, and answered his father to the effect that they ha

eg!" repeated old Mr.

operator got upon his knees, keeping his arms stiff by his

tick! You'd better git upon 'em to ask mercy for your sinful souls

own. Just as the breeches and hide of the boy were stretched to the uttermost, old Mr. Suggs brought down his longest hickory, with both hands, upon the precise spot where the tension was greatest. With a loud yell, Bill plunged forward, upsetting Simon, and rolled in the grass, rubbing the castigated part with fearful energy. Simon, though overthrown, was unhurt; and he was mentally complimenting himself upon the sagacity which had prevented his illustrating the game of mumble-peg for the paternal amusement, when his attention was arrested by the old man's stooping to pick

this,

responded Simon, who gave up

my sonny?" continued Mr. Suggs, in an

ake it on Bill, the first time it

uggs, with a view of arrivin

apprehended his father's meaning, "but clubs wa

ion of it was full of meaning. They had, then, most unquestionably, b

during work hours in the field. Simon followed his father, however, but made, as he went along, all manner of "faces" at the old man's back; gesticulated as if he were going to strike him between t

emotely responsible. For while Simon's person was thus, on its own account "making game" of old Jed'diah, his wits, in view of the anticipated flogging, were dashing, springing, bounding, darting about, in hot chase of some expedient suitable to the necessities of the case; much after the manner in which puss-when Betty, armed with the broom, and hotly seeking vengeance for pantry robbed or bed defiled, has closed

watched it closely, as if endeavoring to learn the precise fashion of his father's knot; and when at last Bill was swung up a-tiptoe to a limb, and the whipping commenced, Simon's

old Jed'diah says, to git the feller to it? Lord, how daddy blows! I do wish to God he'd bust wide open, the durned old deer-face! If 'twa'n't for Ben helpin' him, I b'lieve I'd give the old dog a tussel when it comes to my turn. It couldn't make the thing no wuss, if it didn't make it no better. 'Drot it! what do boys have daddies for any

aching Simon, whose coat was off, "Come, Simon, son,"

use, daddy,

so, S

s I live. When I go off to myself, I'm gwine to make my

wont to do in the pulpit, at th

u don't know nothin', and you've never been nowhars

week than you can make in a year. There ain't nobody round here kin make s

nd chicken-fighters and horse-racers go to hell? You crack-brained creetur, you

ll, then, dadd

hat way. I knowed a young man once, when I lived in Ogletharp, as went down to Augusty and sold a hundred dollars' worth of cotton for

ese here green feller's money; them's the sort I'm a-gwine to watch for

at saith the Scriptur'? 'He that begetteth a fool, doeth it to his sor

or a livin', and what's the use o' bangin' a feller about it? I'm as smart as

turally, felt ineffably indignant that an individual who had never seen any collection of human habitations larger than a log-house village-an individual, in short, no other or better than Bob Smith-should venture to express an opinion concerning the manners, customs, or anything else appertaining to, or in any wise connected with, the Ultima Thule of backwoods Georgians. There were two propositions which witnessed their own truth to th

ed and fifty mile. Oh, yes, Bob Smith knows all about it! I don't know nothin' about it! I ain't never been to Augusty-I couldn't find the road thar, I reckon-ha, ha! Bob-Sm-ith! If he was only to see one of them fine

than some. He showed me how to cut Jack," continued Simon, "and

if it's book knowledge or plain sense, and Bob kin do it, it's reasonable to s'pose that ol

eded, "you see these here four cards is what we call the Jacks. Well, now, the idee is, if you'll take the pack and mix '

m fust?" said

es

ack of the top one, when you

so,

ike as kin be?" said the seni

nor cow-peas

n," observed the old ma

in do it, an

n't a man in Augusty, nor on top

our hero, "ef

a scorer across Simon's shoulders. "Me, Jed-diah Suggs, that's been in the L

d let me off from this her maulin' you owe me, and give me 'Bunch,' if I cut Jack, I'd give yo

woman's" Sunday riding, and which had sent the old lady into a fence corner the first and only time she ever mounted him. As he weighed the pouch of silver in his hand, Mr. Suggs also endeavored to analyze the character of the transaction proposed by Simon. "It sartinly can't be

an up. "You mought as well, for the whippin' won't do you no good;

is land; and this here money-it's jist eleven dollars, lacking of twenty-five cents-will help out m

g works up instid o' down, I s'pos

thing's agin nater, and can't be done. What old Jed'diah Suggs k

ing his neighbor; or, pressing his edge against another's, half double himself up, and then skip away. But Elder Jed'diah perseveringly continued his attempts to subdue the refractory, while heavy drops burst from his forehead, and ran down his cheeks. All of a sudden an idea, quick and penetrating as a rifle-ball, seemed to have entered the cranium of the old man. He chuckled audibly. The devil had suggested to Mr. Suggs an impromptu "stock," which would place the chances of Simon, already sufficien

elf ready, "narry one of us ain't got to look at the cards,

y we

got to look me right dead i

sure," said Mr. S

eye, and Simon returned the look for about three seconds, during which a close observer might have det

ing half a dozen cards from the top of the pack, and presenti

he Jack

back several steps, with

round creation of the-! Ben, did you ever? To be sure and sartain, Sat

in Augusty, did ye, daddy?" asked

queried the old man, without

in't nothin'. I done it j

ciently ascertained. It is certain, however, that he pressed the investigation no farther, but merely requested his son Benjamin to witness the fact that, in consideration of his love

, gethers the bacon, and darts! Mammy arter him with the broom-stick as fur as the door, but seein' the dog has got the start, she shakes the stick at him, and hollers, 'You sassy, aigsukkin', roguish, gnatty,

s predestinated: 'Whom he hath, he will,' you know," and the rascal pulled down the under l

all fixed aforehand," w

I knowed it was all fixed aforehand," and

ye laughin' about?" as

uder than before. The obtusity of the Reverend Mr. Suggs, however, prevented his making an

nded he should remain but one more night beneat

that he was the "fastest piece of hossflesh, accordin' to size, that ever shaded t

were in high spirits: our hero at the idea of unrestrained license in future; and Bunch from a mesmerical transmission to himself of a por

ud! Remember the

ran sideways, as if going to fall, and then suddenl

O IN A

as Bang

of the little village of Hardscrabble as the report spread through th

some literary traveler was one of the most conspicuous works in the floating library of Hardscrabble, and said traveler stated that he had seen a piano somewhere in New England with pantalets

ie, to mean that Mr. Bobolink stirred the piano with a long pole,

lator through the village a few weeks previously, who distributed circulars of a "Female Academy" for the acco

tell him what so-i-ree meant, he would te

having failed at home, had emigrated into the new and hospitable country of Arkansas, for the purpose of bettering his fortune and escaping t

rranged "to admit of calls;" and, as the family seemed very little disposed to court society, all prospects of imm

ladies, presuming upon their age and respectability, called upon the strangers and inquired after their health, and offered their services and friendship; meantime, everything in the house was eyed with great intensity, but, seeing nothing strange, a hint was given

ejaculated the old ladies, with real sympathy, as they proceeded homeward; "traveling has evidently fatigued

ld have a description of the piano, and the uses to which it was put; and, fortunately, in the

"Union." Mo from this fact received great glory, of course; his father's greatness alone would have stamped him with superiority; bu

cle of the renowned v

y upon his having been to the "Capitol" twice,-of his there having been in the most "fashionable society,"-of having seen the world. His return to tow

had seen more pianos in the "Capitol," than he had ever seen woodchucks, and that it was not an animal, but a musical instrument played upon by

it, for it blazed out with more vigor than ever. That it was a musical instrument made it a rarer thing in that wil

le, he was "Mo's wheel-horse." Cash believed in Mo Mercer with an abandonment that was perfectly ridiculous. Mr. Cash was dying

nce and see it

echoed the fr

l' twice, and don't know how to treat fashionabl

for the thousandth time his experience in the fashionable society of the "Capitol, and pianos," which he said "was synonymous;" and he finally told Cash,

the house that contained the object of so much curiosity. The door

sed up this way that has a piano

Mercer: "the damp wou

hine at the end of the gallery, crossed by bars and rollers and surmounted with an enormous crank. Cash approached it on tiptoe; he had a presentiment that he beheld the object of hi

coolly as a north wind to an

eyes still wider; and then, recoverin

alped without winking, Cash reached out his hand and seized the handle of the crank (Cash, at heart, was a brave and f

ious sounds

time seizing Cash's arm and asking him to desist, for f

the joy of the moment at what he had done and

rowds the exact appearance of the piano, how he had actually taken hold

ed comparatively away,-Cash, however, having risen to almost as mu

ed to give a grand party to return some of the kindness they had received, and the piano was, for the first time, moved into the parlor. No invitation on this occa

which the star is to appear. The furniture was all critically examined, but nothing could be discovered answering Cash's description. An enormously thick-leafed

ysterics at his wit. Mercer, as the evening wore away, grew exceedingly conceited, even for him; and he graciously asserted t

t sick was felt by some elderly ladies and by a few younger ones; and Mercer was solici

lady to gratify all present with a little music, prefacing his request with the

smiled, and

knees t

the room tur

embled

a musician; she admired people who had a musical taste. Whereup

this while! Calm as a summer morning, complacent as a newly-painted sign

he approached the thick-leafed table and removed the covering, throwing it carelessly and gracef

he appearance of the piano; while Cash himself began to recover the moment that he ceased to be an object of attenti

dscrabble was. The dulcet sound ceased. "Miss," said Cash, the moment that he could express himself, so entranced was he by the m

blood from confusion to her cheeks. She hesitated, stammered, and

fore invulnerable Mercer's knees trembled, the sweat started to his brow, as he heard the t

e of Hardscrabble; and Mo Mercer, the great, the confident, the happy and self-poss

isappeared altogether, on the evening of the day on which a Yankee peddler of notion

SINFUL AP

irginia C

ive in de Gya

down y

itin' an' he did

down y

one jes' eatin'

hty po' comp'ny

r whar dem sinf

Adam an' dey put

down y

g you know dish

down y

s rib an' dey

t an' she spry

r whar dem sinf

etimes an' he

down y

ut spar'-rib,

down y

e trufe an' hit

's made f'um a h

r whar dem sinf

slip in de G

down y

ve an' he 'gun

down y

n de apple an'

ho! dat fruit

r whar dem sinf

ay, "W'at dat

down y

bite er dat su

down y

haff wid de cor

show her manners

r whar dem sinf

ac' right sn

down y

cuse ter de La

down y

ase she do w'a

t 'zample fer

r whar dem sinf

e say in de G

down y

an shell do

down y

de Gyardin de

s' Eve she up a

r whar dem sinf

s you in de G

down y

m sinful app

down y

sinner, befo

git you ef yo

r whar dem sinf

IN A ROC

ate

go anywhere and do anything, provided she conducts herself properly. Of course it would be absurd to deny that it is not infinitely more agreeable to be accompanied by the "tyrant" called "man"; but when there is no tyrant to come to lovely woman's rescue, it is astonishing how well lovely woman can rescue herself, if she exerts the brain and muscle, given her thousands of years ago, and not entirely annihilated by long disuse. I have been nowhere that I have not been treated with greater consideration than if I had belon

ians say, to lessen the weight, and that "possible" is heartily appreciated by such of us as inwardly long for a natural

r the comforts of a home not twenty miles distant. Thus it happened that once upon arriving at my destination when the shades of evening were falling fast, and glancing about for the customary smiling gentlemen who smooth out the

Jehu in top-boots ornamented w

n in howls and attempts at assault and battery, as to prove its right to be called a boy. "An' sure the lady didn't mane to hurt ye, Jimmy," expostulated something t

get out," I sa

e will you go to? There ain

really did not know. Was there a hotel? Yes. Was there more than on

. They were at the piano, singing "Days of Absence" in a manner calculated to depress the most buoyant spirits. I rang the bell, and the green young lady and pink young man began on the second verse. No answer. Again I rang the bell, and the songsters began on the third verse. No answer. Once more I rang the bell, and the green young lady and pink young man piped upon the touching lay of "No one to love." Little cared those "two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one," for the third heart and soul, v

arrant so extravagant an expenditure as the use of his whole sole. Did I ring? I who had been doing nothing

room. The mild clerk was exceedingly sorry, but the committee

sked in agony of spiri

with all the emphasis of which it is capab

now but as how he might turn

hen we were left alone, "That's my father. I suppose you won't have any objections to my staying here as long as I please." How could I, an interloper, say "no" to the rightful proprietor of that room? I smiled feebly, and the damsel pursued her knitting with her fingers and me with her eyes, until everything in the room seemed to turn into eyes. The frightful th

rs and nose, but patient Griselda could not have behaved better than I. In fact, a woman who lectures must endure quietly what a singer or actress would stoutly protest against, for the reason that lecturing brings down upon her the taunt of being "strong-minded," and any asserti

ep before starting off at "five o'clock in the morning,"-a nice hour to sing about, but a horrible one at which to get up. I approached the bed. Shade of tha

reepin', bla

nn'd, by saun

ere I sat with a quaint old-fashioned clock for company, with such stout lungs as to render sleep an impossibility. No fairy godmother came in at the key-hole to transform my chair into a couch and that talkative clock into a handmaiden. No ghosts beguiled the weary hours. Eleven, twelve, one, two, three, four! As the clock struck this last hour, a porter pound

ow ought a lec

ed me up and whisked off to the city. When the express agent passed through the car to take the baggage-checks, it was as good as a play to see the different ways in which people woke up. Some turned over and wouldn't wake up at all; others sat bol

quiet old gentleman sitting before me,

's my name," replie

in asked the agent in

gentleman put a pocket handkerchief ov

nt, who returned to the charge. "I

y; that's

or insane, and I guess you're deaf." So putting his mouth to t

ry much to the gratification of his fellow-passengers. There is nothing more pleasing to human beings than to see somebody else make himself ri

t, but have never looked upon the co

EARNING

rt J. B

ely, did anything come into the Holliday homestead that did not afford the head of the family a text for sermonic instructio

, come

good of the house, he had laid himself open to an investigation by a strictly partisan committee, and the possibility of such an inquiry, with its subsequent report, grieved h

not yet in sight. Because, if it should not meet you, you are happy anyhow

be spending your leisure time playing baby games with your lit

thletic?"

nd stand around and yell while other men do your playing for you. The reputation for being an athlete may also be acquired by wearing a golf suit to church, or carrying a tennis racket to your meals. How

ption to games of toil and labor, but as he concluded, little Thanny, who was sit

y-boy,-re-plied-t

s father kindly, "and do not speak

eeded in imitating quite well. Being older than Thanny, Rollo, of course, could not invent so many new noises every day as his little b

great power, after which it is still better for him to learn of how great power. Then he will not hit a cartridge with a hammer in order to find out, and when

boys attentively as they swallo

e with a toy outfit. Here are the implements of a game which i

tongue terror that would knock the leather off a planet, and R

father said sternly

ll bat?" exclaimed

is father, "and here is

large leather p

an inf

s father said, "an

ball in his hands

peach,"

father said, "that is wha

laimed Rollo

pitch, so that I may teach you how. I will stand here at the end of the barn, then when you miss my bat with the ball, as

back-stop,

nly a President of the United States is permitted to coin phrases which nobody

irascible dog, and is holding his legs so that the animal, if he can pull his tail out, can escape wi

rd the end of my bat. Do not pitch too hard at fir

s though he had half a mind to break one of them; then wheeling suddenly he sent the ball whizzing through the air like a

; not as though you were trying to kill a cat! Now, pitch it right here; right at this place on my bat. And

Rollo, turning quickly, fired the ball in the general direction of Mr. Holliday. It passed about ten feet to his right, but none the less he made what Thanny called "a swipe" at it that turned him around three

ike-

in a gentlemanly manner. But I will not permit the use of slang about this house. Now, Rollo, that was better; much better. But you must aim more accurately

country as though admiring the pleasant view, and with the same startling abruptness as before, faced his father and shot the ball in so swiftly that Thanny said he could see it smoke. It passed about six feet t

ddenly checked himself, remembering the

ou are playing ball. How can you throw straight when you look at everything in the world except at the bat you are trying to hit? You must aim right at the bat-try to hit it-that's what the pitcher

you ever play base-ball w

l? Well, say, I belonged to the Sacred Nine out in old Peori

aw it coming; he shut both eyes and dodged for his life, but the ball hit his bat and went spinning straig

ut

school. Now, Rollo," he continued, kindly, "that was a great deal better; very much better. I hit that ball with almost no difficulty. You are learning. But you

r old fire as he saw the on-coming sphere. He swept his bat around his head in a fierce semi-circle, caught the ball fair on the end of it, and sent it over Rollo's head, crashing into the kitchen

sitive that he could not endure the lightest shock of ex

nto the house! Go into the

ne, "you're suspended; that's wha

able. You careless, inattentive boy. I would do right if I should make you pay for all this damage out of your own pocket-money. And I would, if you had any. I may do so, nevertheless. And there is Jane, bathing her eye at the pump. You have probably put it out by your wild pitching. If she dies, I will make y

lightly, and kept up a gentle oscil

en. "How can I pitch a ball to you when you keep flourishing that

. The ball came in. Rollo caught it right on the nose of the bat and sent it whizzing directl

her!" he

olt that shook his system to its foundations. A melancholy howl rent the air as he double

dresses and play golf. You'll never learn to play ball if you practice a thousand years. I never saw such a boy. You have prob

ison by their mother. Mr. Holliday had recovered his good humor. His fingers were multifariously bandaged and he smelled of arnica like a drug store

s. The bat was a board, about the general shape of a Roman galley oar and not quite so wide as a barn door. The ball was of solid India rubber; a little fellow could hit it a hundred yards, and a big boy, with a hickory club, could send it clear over the bluffs or across the lake. We broke all the windows in the school-house the first da

AND

Miscalculati

eity Past

ntusion Sup

, without a master?-And in how many lessons can one be taught to walk Spanish?-What is meant by a "rooter"?-What is the difference between a "rooter" and a "fan"?-Parse "hoodoo."-What is the philology of "crank"?-Describe a

TRIES TO

irginia C

es away, taking with her Aunt Nancy, who was anxious to pay a little visit to a daughter living in that

hould take a luncheon with them and make a day of it, Aunt 'Phrony being perfectly willing, for her Indian blood showed itself not only in her appearance, but in her love for a free

then in pursuit of small game. A very weary and hungry little party gathered about the baskets at one o'clock, and three little pairs of white hands were stained almost as brown as those of Aunt 'Phrony and William. But everybody was happy, and there was a nice pile of walnuts to go back in the large bag which William had brought for the p

; "I'm going to see if I can't catch him.

'Phrony; your ol' Hyar' you tel

l' Hyar' I done tol' you 'bout, de gre't-gre't-gr

you tell us some more about the old

ountry fer right long time, frolickin' an' cuttin' up, jes' a no-kyount bachelder, an' las' he git kind er tired uv hit, an' he see all tu'rr creeturs gittin' ma'ied an' he tucken hit inter his haid dat 'twuz time he sottle down an' git him a wife; so he primp hisse'f up an' slick his hya'r down wid b'argrease an' stick a raid hank'cher in his ves'-pockit an' pick him a button-hole f'um a lady's gyarden, an' den he go co'tin' dis gal an' dat gal an' tu'

but ef dey s'pose I gwine gin up an' stay single, dey done fool derse'fs dis time. I ain' gw

w, he do: 'Dat's de ticket! dat's de ticket! I reckon dey'll fin

an' a law passed dat ev'yb'dy gotter git ma'ied, young an' ol', rich an' po', high an' low.

bawn days. De gals dey all stan' up in line an' de men go struttin' mighty biggitty up an' down befo' 'em, showin' off an' makin' manners an' sayin', 'Howdy, ladiz, howdy, howdy!' An' de gals dey'd giggle an' twis' an' putt a finger in de cornders er d

de gals, whar wuz lookin' on f'um tu'rr side. Dar wuz whar he miss hit, 'kase w'ile he wuz talkin' ter de mammy uv a mighty likely li'l gal whar he think 'b

'scusin' Hyar'. Dey mek lots er game uv 'im, an' w'en dey darnse pas', dey sings out: 'Heyo! Mistah Hyar', huccome you ain' darnse?' 'Bring yo' wife, ol' man, an' jine in de fun!' 'Hi! yi! Mistar Hya

apt an' his paws hangin' limp, studyin' how he kin git revengemint. Las' he pull hisse'f toge'rr an' he say: 'Come, Hyar', dis ain't gwine do. Is you done fool ev'yb'dy all dese 'ears an' den let yo'se'f git fooled by a passel er gals? Naw,

' He say, he do: 'Oh, I bin tendin' ter de 'fairs er de kyountry, an' I is sont unter you ez a messenger. I is saw'y ter tell you dey done hilt nu'rr big meetin' an' mek up der min's de worl' gittin

you'd 'a seed all de spears an' bows an' arrers he kyarry, an' all de knifes stickin' in his belt, you'd 'a thought he wuz de bigges' fighter dar. But sho! W'en de fightin' begin, hi

e 'z runnin' an' he say, sezee: 'De man I wanster kill, he done runned '

rack, fer y

r whar keep th

an' las' dey foun' him squattin' in de bresh, tremlin' ez ef he have de ager an' nigh mos' skeert ter de'f. Dey drug him outen dat an' dey ses: 'So dish yer's Buster whar keep

rs jes' natchully hilt up der han's at him, dey wuz plumb outdone. 'De owdacious vilyun!' dey ses, 'we boun' ter exescoot him on de spot an' git shed uv 'im onct fer all.' But he baig mighty hard an' some uv

e must have found a wife at last,

er tales whar Nancy tells you. De Injun tales ain' say nuttin' 'bout no wife er his'n. He wuz too gre

'um haid ter heels; but w'en my daddy tell dat tale he useter een' her up dis-a-way, 'An' mebby Hyar' git de bes' uv 'em

RATIVE HOU

liott

tful women

scheme did

and to e

ion!" was

husband

fe and lab

er, the te

neighborho

trim and ra

aved they c

fancy mig

ld then be b

worked that,

o them extr

uch for han

l work the

methods t

even on

room was ne

om care, they

ense, as yo

hey said, "cou

to home, s

at brings

of cash

hobby of

husbands sou

the latter s

es and cos

still advan

not gained,

ne will on

ntinue t

succeeded,

nt toil be

should su

g turns in

the leisure

uch time in

see the mat

s line, it

or all will

ouse means le

comforts o

progress me

* * *

ow, their a

homes, and

o?perati

TEE FROM

V.Z.

s she sat in the shadow of a palm in the conservatory at the Morrison's. Strains of m

t listen. For a year I have been preparing myself to take my part in this work. To-morrow I take possession of what is called a model flat, and I hope to teach those poor little child

plenty of room for sunshine in an old ho

e me six months to see what I can do-then I wil

. My sympathy with the great unwashed is not deep enough for me to be willing to have

wn to me a month from to-night and I will

nth!" the m

whole

be made up with perfect ease. In front of it stood a screen covered with pretty chintz; white muslin curtains hung at the windows; everything was spotless from the kalsomined ce

n front of the bed and then there is a healthful place to sleep. You may think that I am over-enthusiastic, but I enjoy my classes and I assure you they are all day long, for besides the usual schoolroom work we have cooking classes, physical culture, nature classes and little talks about all sorts of things. I have one girl who I know

guest. "What peculia

s no big sister and their house

ether sure that her mission was a success. Was she wishing for the fleshpots of upper Fifth Avenue, or

e mothers to come and tell me what they think of the work we are doing for their children. They will probably be gone by five o'clock, and if you care to

rdi

heri

ly by shrieking from one window to another, I do not know, but there was evidently some excitement,

wid hunger, an' me faintin' wid the big wash I had up the Avenoo, what did we come home to but hull wheat bred an' ags olla Beckymell. There stood my Katy, wid her han's on her hips, a-s

found my Ellen Addy had hauled the bed into the front room, an' she an' the young ones was all asleep, an' up to the winders was my best petticut cut in two. Wh

hink o' that?" mu

come of a Satady and tell her how they liked what she was doin' for the young ones. Tim says as they sends a committee from men'

"friend" by Miss Anderson, waited in her spotless apron to answer the bell. Another object-lesson f

elly, and you, Mrs. McGinniss."

cGraw," said

Anderson, "and then I want to sho

t I've seen your home up town, and it's beyond the li

der about their insides. I'm tired of hearin' 'I can't eat this an' I can't eat that, cause teacher says th

ca come home only yestidy an' cut all the stitches

ed the teacher. "Now, I'd like to know one thing," she said; "you sent my Josie home this morning to wash the

at physical torture business stopped. The young ones are

r voice trembled a bit as she said: "W

n, and you don't mean no harm, but it's the sinse av the committee

ned toward the door. There was a t

e ready for d

k in her voice, and she

for-for anyth

YO' W

irginia C

nuver

h sense

hite fol

n' lose

happy, nuver-min

es' kain

down a

honey,

r close

leepy dat he pas

now, di

dat hi

gittin'

e ter

o dat why he lef'

nuver

t wants

hit me

u year

own de road ter me

t yo' h

o' wor

uv all dis

me go sof'

ou doan' w

verlastin'

ck er his

ter to'des d

GEL" FA

liott

is an a

tle mai

her untro

ly nodd

course, we

have bee

t she was w

in acce

ith perils

ds oft qu

right; he'd

a burles

CIAL

e Randol

louds, still lay between himself and the railroad that would whisk him away to the city. Behind him, conquered at fatiguing cost, were six more miles, stretching back to the village where not even a team could be hired on Sunday. Rather

frown, at the queer sign glaring down at him from the hedge. I

SPA

from thes

nalty of

CIAL

tty on his lips, grimy on his face. It had stiffened his hair, clogged his nostrils, si

ed smoothly on, whispering and murmuring to itself of the delights to come in the heart of the cool woods. Just here, with a swift sweep between mossy, curved banks, the stream turned its back to

ower of icy drops, the soft yielding of the water-then the delicious buoyancy that had pervaded his limbs. He wondered, with a whimsical smile, how long he could "stay under,

ough the misty twilight of broad oak trees, and the surface of the water dimpled and glinted and laughed and flirted at him, before it slipped away into le

looking up at the sign in smiling defia

ul, slender willows; it danced impudently into the open and dashed across clear spaces in frantic haste to escape him; it spread out, clear and limpid, upon little bars of golden sand, pretending frankly to reveal its pure, inmost depths; then raced on again, ever beck

the tantalizing coquetry of the creek. Encircled by drooping, long-leaved willows that were themselves enringed by stately trees, lay a broad, deep pool, clear as crystal, one side carpeted with velvety turf and sc

uirrel that he caught peering at him from the

efully on his back, looking up at the sky and covering the entire visible surface of it with air castles, a

riendly fashion. They were bouncing big St. Bernards, but scarcely more than puppies, and they capered and danced in awkward d

e outdone in heartiness, they scampered off through the woods, taking the clothes with them. All they left behind was his hat, his shoes and one sock, his collar

d the pathetic remnant of his belongings and plunged just in time, diving under a cl

in, while both wore plain, skimp, black gowns and had their hair parted in the center and smoothed down flatly over their ears. They were silen

lease explain, Sister Ann! Where did Adnah, during my brief

h found it. The publication contained several love stories, so-called, an illustrated article on 'Young Captains of Industry' and another

's orphan has never been permitted to see a man. Big country girls have even been hired t

his head under the water. A mosquito had set

unseemly pains with her dressing, and does up her hair with flowers, and has feverishly pink cheeks, and likes to

nto the water near the young man a

s no language to express the disdain with which

y," ventured the other.

ter Sarah. "You are too sentimental,

ad to find those dogs, and in a hurry. He had just seated himself to put on his shoes for the search, when he again heard the voice

sweet and limpid, belonged to a girl of such striking appearance that the young man was on the

as a world of gentle pride in Aunt Matilda's voice as she said this, and it sounded so well that she said it over again. "Great beauties in their day!

ice of Adnah. "Why, in that magazine were the pict

ilda. "The more handsome they are, the more dangerous. Since you remain so inc

. Thanks to the thickness of his leafy hiding-place she could not see him, but he could see her quite plainly, and she was well worth looking at. She, too, wore a plain, skimp, black dress, and her brown hair was parted in the center and smoothed down over her ears, but there the resemblance to Aunt Matilda and the others ended, for her hair was wavy in spite of the severely straight brushing, and it glinted gold where little flecks of sunlight filtered through the branches of the tall trees to caress it. In the hair, too, was a single

t Ann and myself sixteen, and your poor, deluded mother fourteen. Our father, child, married again within the year, and so you see our acquaintance with the duplicity of men began at a very early age. Of course, we refused to live with a stepmother or to allow her to occupy our own dear mother's house. Left, then, upon our own responsibilities at so tender a perio

cence upon a little clump of ferns that, full of conceit, were w

ed the miserable youth in the pool.

nty!" cried t

of tender emotions, what did these young men do, one and all? Why, instead of waiting until the acquaintance had ripened into mutual undying affection and then falling gracefully to

!" exclai

man in the pool could feel the goose-fle

been so very dreadful," finally comm

orrified Aunt Matild

seem so terrible, no matter how hard I try. In fact it-

dn

it ever seem that wa

lent for a moment, then over he

ch other to rely upon for firmness we might perhaps have been deluded by some of these y

softly, even though he perceived the tear that trembled upon the lady's eyelas

am sure," persisted Adnah. The remark broug

owledge of your father's faithless fickleness. Adnah, he, too, married again! You, Adnah, was too young to protect yourself from a stepmother, but we came to

, many girls would not want them,"

seem quite nice," admitted the other wit

moment with a racing struggle

ah, jumping up to give chase in a he

tern in it, at a dollar a pair. His teeth were pounding together like castanets, now, so loudly that he feared Aunt

e is plenty of time for a plunge before dinner. Just wait, Aunt Mat

flesh disappeared and the chattering of his teeth stopped. His dilemma was unspeakab

come out and play, they went in after him. There was a tremendous splashing struggle. Suddenly the willows were pul

viciously at Castor and Pollux with

e held it far off from her and to one side, with no intention, past, present or future, of ever firing

hoot," she quaveringly warned him.

he culprit, slapping viciously at the mos

telephone for the sheriff immediately, and if you are still here

some quick thinkin

ntil I get them back," he presently declared with lucky inspiration. "If you

llow him to explain, while she coaxed the dogs out of the water.

of swift footstep

commanded in

uits, that young lady found her aunt calmly seated on the

e at once with these dogs," directed

attie, what'

speration. "Go back to the house and

scene in mystific

a flutter of excitement. She had caught the gleam of

iously like a bird singing to its mate in the springtime. She had a wonderful voice. The young man was sorry when she

athing suit here for your use. I shall expect you to put i

uld feel ridiculous to be seen in such clothing as that. You, yourself, would scarcely care t

told. Aunt Matild

w your teeth do chatter! Are you getting a chill? I'll bring you a bowl of

lit down the back and at the armpits the moment he buttoned it in front; still he was very grateful for it-grateful for the warm glow that began to pervade him the moment he had donned it. He put on his one sock a

et tea to the last drop. He talked admirably all through the "dinner," and it was with a

. "We shall expect you to-to keep out of range during the day, but to re

alked away. To save her, the man-hater could not think of another reasonable excuse for

airless arms and sleeves, and finally he gave up, with everything accounted for but worthless. Discovering a high, grassy plot nea

he was being compelled to awaken, and found Adnah seated quietly beside him

urged. "I often sleep for hours on

ere?" he demanded,

I'm so glad you're awake at last and don't want to sleep any m

fact was so obvious

ll about you," she confidingly went on. "Aunt Sarah and Aunt Ann were for telephonin

man. For the first time in his l

of my window so as not to disturb them. They do enjoy their naps so much, you know. I didn't find you at the pool but I

inary girl he could have found the a

a clear-eyed straightforwardness that was worse than disconcerting. In desperation he

sighed. "I just knew we should like each oth

o blushed, n

ehow felt very mean and unworthy. Her eyes made him uncomfortable. The whole trouble was that she was so honest-had never been taught to conceal her thoughts by the thousand and one spoken and unspoken lies of ordinary social intercourse. She was neither timid nor bold, but merel

time that Aunt Mattie was wrong. She told me that all men were dreadf

ather crossly. For some unaccountable reas

ly. Presently she added: "I do not believe, though, tha

ips. He felt his heart come pounding up into the region of his Adam's apple, and he trembled as he had not done since his first attack of puppy love at the age of fourteen. His breath came and went with a painful flutter but he made no movement. If it had been any

tyr-like sigh and a further echo of her own frankness, "bu

if she could see him now, then he thought, grinning

xclaimed. "I told Aunt Matilda that there ce

reless youth began to do cake-walks up and do

e at his side, babbling innocently away in that sweet, musical voice. How pretty she was, how artless and trusting, how honest and how heart-whole! I

fervently saying it, though he had not intended such words to pass his lips. She took the wish as a matter

h Egg

uvenile jam-thieve

and they stood now in grim horror, merciless and implacable. They advanced in a swooping body, after one moment of agon

you, or attempted to d

eekly answer

began the serpent, but A

ded. "We wish no explanati

willing and impenitent captive, two of them ingeniously keeping behind her so that

e, he told himself, to bury alive a beautiful and noble young woman like that, through a warped and mistaken notion of the world. What right had they to condemn a sweet and affectionate creature such

s it presented the utter hopelessness of approaching her-of ever seeing her again-and, when the dogs came chasing an utterly inconsequen

man he wouldn't have been a hundred miles from home without clothe

and pure and womanly-everything that was desirable in every sense-well-bred, well-schooled, unspoiled of the world, without guile or subterfuge, beautiful, healthy, honest. That had been the only startling thing about her-j

tion. He had known her several years in the minute and a hal

ncholy note in the tweet of the low-flitting birds. The rustling trees softened their murmur to a continuous whisper, soothing and caressing. The tinkle of the creek became more metallic and pronounced. Near by, down the stream

cadences, these were the instruments of nature's vast orchestra, playing their lullaby, languorous and sweet, for the drowsy day. It was dusk, and he was desper

d Aunt Ann, each with a pistol in her lap, sat grimly to one side. Adnah nor Aunt Matilda were anywhere to be seen, and he divined with a thrill that Aun

as he approached and

you to know who

upper without conversation," A

protested, but the two ladies, finding rudene

Aunt Sarah, without

and the sounds of a scuffle in the house, and it gave him inspiration. He arose

y references as you like. I wish your permission to write

eat your supper?"

nds from her ears and make her listen to what he had to say. H

Sarah. "The path leads directly from

atching the gigantic shadows of his limbs leaping jerkily among the shrubbery, when it occurre

irectly. Alas, the pistols reposed in the pockets of the two prim aprons, the lantern s

or man-haters, their remarks had been very complimentary. Not even that ridiculou

oice shrieking for them to wait, and presently Aunt Ma

wildly hysterical. She insists that she must have this young man, monster o

aimed Aunt Sarah

ly led the way. At the door of the parlor

r impulsive our poor, misguided niec

miling happily through the last of her tears, sprang to meet hi

declared with pretty authority, as she locke

n their chairs in a close semi-circle about the couch and were helplessly staring. H

n't you?" Adnah an

ad," he replied, smiling down at her in

the room, where they held an excited, whispered consultation. Presently they came back

d sit farther apart," she directed. This

ed the young man, producing a bu

e aunts, exchangin

Matilda. It seemed that the hands had not been s

avely adjuste

lton and Melton, Administrators and Real Estate D

excitement and again the three a

ers Ann and Matilda, that this quite alter

ed Aunt Matilda, complac

so," adde

ry fashion-for a man. So far, much is in your favor, since our unfortunate niece will not be contented without some sort of a husband. Yo

man. "The dogs destroyed all my papers. The only thing I

e electric impulse, bent

repeated Aunt Sarah. "Let us

was not exactly the sort of let

on in regard to the aged widow Crane's property has just come to my ears, through a laughing complaint of your father about your unbusinesslike methods in dealing with those who ha

ter had been lost,

stole affectionately to his shoulder. Aunt Matilda was wiping her eyes.

slike tone. "We shall waive, in your favor, our objections to men in general. If we must hav

nd, by and by, crossed his legs in comfort as a home-like feeling began to settle down upon him. Suddenly observ

ect to be married?" meek Sister A

iumphantly down at the girl by his side. He was astonished, and rathe

r due deliberation, "that you may now kiss ou

gerly assent

eed," commanded Aunt S

still blushing in her newly-found self-conscious femininity, but she trustingly held up her pretty lips

three man-hating spinst

SELF-MADE MERC

e Horace

the Union Stock Yards in Chicago. Mr. Pierrepont is worried over rumors that the

October

t a big line of November lard. I never sell goods without knowing where I can find them when I want them, and if these fellows try to put their forefeet in the trough, or start any shoving and crowdi

eckon there hasn't been a time in twenty years when there wasn't a nice "Gates Ajar" piece all made up and ready for me in some office

d when you're walking away from them they'll sneak up behind and snap at your heels. Last year, when I was bulling the market, the longs all said that I was a kindhearted old philanthropist, who was laying awake nights scheming to get the farm

ed to build a crèche on it. I hesitated a little, because I had never heard of a crèche before, and someways it sounded sort of foreign and frisky, though the woman looked like a good, safe, reliable old heifer. But she explained that a crèch

pavilion. She was mighty grateful, you bet, and I didn't see her again for a fortnight. Then she called by to say that so long as I was in the business and they didn't cost me anything special, would I mind giving her a few cows. She had a

adn't more than finished with the pavilion before the woman

ters were hard at work on it. There was a sixty-foot frontage of that shed on the Avenue, and I saw right off that it was just a

m's E

the Wea

d painted a thousand-dollar ad on it. Allowed I ought to send my check for that amount to the crèche fund. Kept at it till I began to think there might be something

ney out of it; but the only thing I've ever put into it which didn't draw dividends in fun or

hen you spend ten worrying because he didn't; you worry over Charlie at college because he's a little wild, and he writes you that he's been elected president of the Y.M.C.A.; and you worry over William because he's so pious that you're afraid he's going to throw up everything and go to China as a missionary, and he draws on you for a hundred; you worry because you're

e troubles seldom came singly. Had fourteen altogether, and four pair of 'em were twins. Used to turn 'em loose in the morning, when she let out her cows and pigs to browse along the street, and then she'd shed all worry ov

any favorites. And so when Bud's clothes were found at the swimming hole one day, and no Bud inside them, she didn't take on up to the expectations

ains were. Hinted that there'd be no funeral, or such like expensive goings-on, until som

th, and every one just quit work to tell each other what a noble little fellow he was; and how his mother hadn't deser

r through their drags and hadn't anything to show for it but a collection of tin cans and dead catfish, she threw a shawl over her head and went down the street to the cabin of Louisiana Clytemnestra

ere mighty snifty and high-toned, even when they'd only been poor white trash on earth, and it might make them mad to be called away from their high jinks if they were taking a little recreation, or from their high-priced New York customers if they

he'd had her money's worth in seeing Clytie throw those fancy fits. But next day she came again and paid down four bits, and Clytie reckoned that that ought to fetch Bud sure. Someway

ud?" asked

know he'd come across. Had he jo

N

to look downs

bet, but he said he hadn't laid eyes on Bud yet. They hauled the Sweet By and By with a drag net, but they couldn't get a rap from him. Clytie trotted out George Wash

d thought all along-Bud wasn't there. And when the neighbors dropped in that afternoon to plan out a memorial service for her "lost lamb," she chased them off the lot with a broom. Said that they had looked in the river for him and that she had looked beyond the river for him, and that they would just stand pat now and wai

imes and every time he was affected to tears, for she was using a bed slat, which is a powerfully strong moral agent for making a boy see the error of his ways. And it was a month after that before Bud could go down M

conduct, but it appeared that he left home to get a few Indians

he time to do your worrying is when a thing is all over, and that the

ectionat

Gra

RE

Calverley'

Leston

" Another

nto langu

written,

ce

e. Ere the

s-from our

he murmurs

.

is much too

has not ti

'll see yo

od-

d by chanti

o whom you

od-by,'" she

Revo

he garden a

were the fi

ere silly

rew

meant long

ar-spattered

!" "Pleasant

lo

s cheery, o

ade it rhym

became a d

rew

into the l

e plunge th

use it. It

Byr

el-farewel

fearful was

on was e

well

A dismal wor

tell the trut

n earth wo

hou

RUT

s Whitc

then residin' thare, who has sence got back to the country whare h

what I'd

y had my

work when

ssed round

kindo' gi

needed, fi

swet at

y had my

d aim to b

men as my

all be the

y had my

likely kn

y had my

sense, and s

okes, and-

ome politi

-speeches

r Nye on "B

eyr Presence

away, I'd

issentin

as shore a k

y had my

git theyr d

y had my

dollars 's

en, wives

slaves; theyr

not herself

er only chang

only had

ave "stuff"

er one-

rayer fer "

y had my

w folks 'ud

y had my

ew business

s, er hart

t come here

put up je

full-and-pl

y had my

nd great '

heyr lowly

e done th

y had my

IFUL MA

llace

the Easter

he pipes

lant Captain

o skip

y man and

t gymna

example

efore yo

crew," the C

ttle of

skipper, bl

supposed

old," the C

ing days

'm skipper

ip with

grey," I he

n not res

r me the t

rty spa

spasms dee

ll me tr

I wot, goes

a bow a

e full of kno

them if

tried, for

t for a

hard," the o

m sick a

mbs of res

pping i

is the sea

his gall

the skippe

as he ca

Captain o

on aga

satisfac

bravel

S HUMORO

ay M

life was a vast, gray, echoing void. She decided that ambition was dead-a case of starvat

" her aunt suggested when she had sighe

of mass you please, but not blu

could lay her finger on no bleeding heart-wound, on no definite cause. It was true that the deeply analytical, painstakingly interesting historical novel on which she had worked all winter had been sent back from the publishers with a briefly polite note of thanks and regrets; but as she had never expected anything else, that could not

he four walls of her room that she could not endure it; she must do something. Then it

to view the joke of existence. She would test the dictum; now, if ever, she would write humorously. The material was at hand, seething and crowding in her mind, in fact-the monumental dul

de. (The figure did not wholly please Melinda, for everybody knows how dull and gray and uninteresting lava is when it cools, but she had no time to bother wi

r list with a name beginning with "A." It was her custom to send them that way, thou

ft herself above the depression that enfolded her even as the buoyant hyacinths were cleaving their dark husks and lifting up the beauty and fragrance of their hearts to solace passers-by. Therefore sh

eived a letter that bore on the upper left-hand corner of the envelope the name of the magazine first on her list beginni

corner and peeped into the envelope. Yes, there was a pale-blue slip of pa

fer that this, that had been offered simply from force of habit, would be retained in exchange for an ?sthetically tinted check? She anathematized the magazine editor. (That seems the proper thing to do with editors.) She wanted to know what business he had to keep that story

nda grew calm enough to read

e life. There is a note of true sentiment and a generous appreciation of homely virtue m

truly

ditor

c picture"-"Generous appreciation!" She laughed feebly. The editor was pleased to be facetious. Having a fine sen

he permitted herself to recall how humorous it was, how cleverly and keenly it laid bare the ridiculous, the unexpected, how it scintillated w

that in all probability the story would not be published during the lifetime of any of the originals of the characters; that even if the worst came to the worst, Mossdale was likely to remain in ignorance that would be blissful. The villagers were not wont to waste time on the

anded it. The doctor was unable to name her mal

of varicolored periodicals, and rather than be forced to the final resort of the unaccompanied traveler, she welcomed the advent of an acquaintance possessed of volubility of an ejacula

Ferguson brought home the magazine. Those delicious Mossdale people! I could not endure that the dear things should not see and know at once. The lovely hamlet is so-so remot

legraph poles and fields. Even the worthiest, the gravest, the finest, she reflected, has a face, that if seen in a certain light, will flash out the ignus fatuus of the ridiculous; but it is not usually considered the office of friendship to turn on the betraying light. Oh, well, her relatives would forgive in

ce she had put on long dresses. Notwithstanding a foolish prejudice agains

latform-so as you kinder had to stop and shake hands to get 'em out o'

se they came out to see the t

iles and flying airships have made trains of cars seem mighty comm

glanced backward apprehensively and mad

ot of the relations at th

cle Joe, there is no occasion

up the creek here we can't help feelin' set up some over findi

Uncle Joe was beaming mildly with the satisfaction of having shown that although the literary hemisphere was the unknown

ld, suffused, half-shamed blue eyes on his shrinking niece. "Yes, your piece has come out in the paper, Melinda, and your folks

m present' at a surprise party. Your Aunt Lucy, she's just as tickled as a hen with three chickens." The old man chuckled. "There it is all down in black and white just like it happened, only different, about her spasm of economy when she was cleanin' away Mary Emmeline's med

said M

helf to the hired girl. I guess when she goes to Heaven she'll want to stop on the way up and fix that top shelf to suit her. So she just sits and looks at that picture and smiles and smiles. She likes my whiskers, too. Yes, she's always wanted me to wear whiskers ever

says 'twas only right and proper, me bein' your nighest kin and you livin' with us; but I told her there was so many others that was smarter and more the story-paper kind, that I thought it showed real good feelin

le of smelling salts from he

ight. But I told them the Reverend Graham is a nice enough chap, but that that extra-fine, way-up preacher fellow in the story must be some stranger you knew from off and didn't give his name, because you didn't rightly know what it was. I thought, even if you was so so

" Melinda exclaimed gratefully as

he health and progress of offspring; above all she was not usually so loth to talk about herself. She acted as though she had never written a story, yet thr

rd. She would read that story herself. As she turned the leaves she caught sight of a manly form carefully climbing

ok her hands in a stro

come to see me so soon afte

determination, with God's aid, to live up to the high ideal you have set forth in your wonderful story. You have seen the latent qualities, the nobler potentialities; you have shown me to myself. Melinda! Do

ou understan

uld restrain himself no longer. He swept

else to do, also because it was a broad and comfortable shoulder against which to lean. "I am

the Preacher's face timidly. His cheek

BEN B

ohn

ler (may his

ht from a dee

e rich radianc

shimmered like

riting on a

e had Ben of sp

ranger in his

e?" The stranger

ook made all

ite the name o

e?" "Not if thi

d the stranger.

oke again: "Just

p as one that

p and vanished

and showed a

aply yet might

ame of Butler

-DAY W

r Wendel

lators kee

pense with bol

-whortle, ra

ownwards thro

t selleth h

n roof or fl

ashers choo

hath the br

rs tell us a

eaders all

pay for, th

rape and co

take what the

ive what they

fathers ea

fast for cons

at hath a h

his merit

lie for

the iron on

e usual pl

stitched with

well the w

umbrellas

weeds have

of suction

t-bottles

as would ho

shers no l

what they st

rst locomot

the Hoosac t

et Cumming

saints blow

u see that

your asce

TO BE

om M

gay, so

y fits an

hrough each

shine to

s her mer

ous is h

g grief would

from hour

fore that

m, begin

scientist,

delightf

d not throw

like un

ss brings, a

ed dollar

MOSQ

am Culle

, with thread-lik

acting bill, a

s thou slowly

s, fall many a

tle our large ve

ield them to t

I own, and, w

men listen t

any a brush an

art gaunt, and s

eggar, while h

, hapless stran

ranger, for th

honor of so

Jersey meadows,

the gods, thoug

thy sire, an

ph that nurse

ushes was the

gth thy gauzy w

e airs their fo

ky and bore t

reathed to waft

shone beneath t

the city spir

murmur of its

ateful odors

e perfumes of

owded streets,

grew shrille

pinion flutter

airy steps, and

, and eyes who

snowy veils like s

orn, on many a

blood through the

sights to temp

r thy slender

hen I talk of

ught the mem

yward being-w

tale of sorro

slanderer! rouge

oom at best

Kalydor, if

sty wretch that

st reward that

sacrilege a

made to look at

approach, that

sudden vengeanc

thee, most im

e gazed at distan

admiration

to the town; b

other poet, g

ttle blood I

be the banquet

pale-eyed sist

tance, Song and

alderman, and

nerous wine an

skins, sleek as

mp, and press th

for whom, in

ds and the gree

drawn, and the r

elling veins f

ek and now th

, as thou flitte

our of sleep i

shall rise to

E-IDDLE-IDDL

bur D.

n band gets

ight you'll

beside Eli

' cymbals an

o him is H

he little

ear our tow

t does, I w

y tell a tu

i

iddle-id

-Bu

re's some that

ale an' Rag

es a sol

Green-B-f

Brown-th' t

an play, er

e best when

re sticks jus

says to l

i

iddle-id

-Bu

why, ner wh

that to

t I know,

imes over

mb chaw wi

' ready

plays that

em drumstick

music, on

i

iddle-id

-Bu

IRST

rt J. B

behind th

ious sum

e hills the

his west

y safe s

from all

f earth's

my firs

my firs

the wor

d dank, hide-

my firs

t the boy

the smoke-w

dim, my hea

hed round

closed in

ht, witho

methought h

ed my fir

my firs

or-five

ch the air c

my firs

was my be

ng night

mother cri

what have

ather's smot

so stran

knew I k

ed my fi

my firs

-away

t die-I kn

my firs

ve stood in r

d what me

t danger, wal

ed at pain

read what

y malign

g fate aga

my firs

ed my fir

and wor

o terrors

ked his f

AT AND A B

amboat Life on

ol S

chez were usually made in from six to eight days; a trip made by her in five days was considered remarkable. A voyage from New Orleans to Vicksburg and back, including stoppages, generally entit

calling out the Captain, who "went it strong" on three kings) sent down word that the mate had reported the stock of wood reduced to half a cord. The worthy Captain excused himself to the pilot whose watch was below and the two passengers who made up the party, and hurried to the deck, where he soon discovered by the landmarks that we were about half a mile from a woodyard, which he said was situated "right round yond

How d'ye sell you

ey pants, the legs of which reached a very little below the knee; shoes without stockings; a faded, broad-brimmed hat, which had once been black, a

t charge you three an

tle in those days); "what's the odd quarter for, I shoul

"wood's riz since you went down two weeks ago; besides, you are awar that you very seldom stop going down-when you're going up you're sometimes obleeged

'll take a few cords, under the circumstan

per berth, situated alongside and overlooking the brag-table, where the Captain was deeply engaged, having

uired the Captain of the mate,

," answered the mate; "it's cotton

It's your deal)-Thompson, I say, we'd better take three or four cords at the next woodyard-it can

ock it was reported to the Captain that we were nearing the w

-see to it, Thompson; I can't very well leave the game now-i

xed when the mate informed him that the price was the same as at the last

merely went through the ceremony of dealing, cutting, and paying up their "anties." They were anxious to learn the game-and they did learn it! Once in a while, indeed, seeing they had two aces and a bragger, they would venture a bet of five or ten dollars, but they were always compelled to back out before the

ptain asked the mate

e middle of the river, and there is the shadow of a fog rising. This wood seems rather better than that we took in at Yello

ll and ask 'em what's the price of wood up he

e pilot's hail, "What's

the shore answered,

ot-the strangers suffering some at the same time-"three and a quarter again! Are we

s voice was agai

uch ha

sir," was the reply o

x cords, which would last till daylight-a

hanged places. Wh

took her place in the middle of

d have made many more if he could have procured good wood. It appears the two passengers, in their first lesson, had incidentally lost one hundred and twenty dollars. The Captain, as he rose to see about taking in some good wood, which he felt sure of obtaining

revent the vision taking in more than sixty yards-so I was disappointed in my expectation. We were neari

; "stop her!" Ding-ding-ding! went t

the wo

e voice, which came from a woman with a pett

he price

me," answered the old lady in the petticoat; "i

"What, have you raised on your wood, too?

icoat, "here comes the o

nce and two weeks' beard we had seen the night before, and the same voice we had heard regulating the price o

r cords left, and since it's you, I don't care if I d

marks around, the Captain bolted

ly have discovered it some time since-that we h

TNO

on of Life Publ

incott's

incott's

ndsman," by Wallace Irwin. Copy

incott's