Wedding Night
engagement ring.
ng. It’s a plain band with
me into. If Richard doesn
turn it
eep it on his nightstand
nd never mention it. Actu
but I just felt bad that h
l out of a proposal. They
ne knee, they have to ask
d what do we have
,” obv
n of marriage proposals
I open my mouth automati
n hastily close
Richard g
beam. “Just …
ring already. I don’t mi
antic if he has. On the o
o choose o
a win
lovingly at Richard. We’r
’s a new restaurant on th
te marble and vintage ch
legant but not showy. The p
nderstated bride-to-be whi
-up stockings, just in ca
never worn stay-up stockin
proposed
s booked a roo
a ridiculous, out-ofproportion gesture. Nice lunc
s fiddling with his cuffs
his glass. As he sees me w
S
S
ing in code, skirting arou
my chair. This waiting is
t ove
ver with.” Of course I don
’s a beginning. A first ste
ether. Because we want t
f anyone else we’d rathe
ove him and
eady. This is hopeless. I’
alized what he
Richard. I mean, in a goo
out of the blue. On my last birthday, he hinted for ages that his present was going to be a su
out he’d secretly arranged with my boss for me to have two days off, and when I finally arrived at Stroud, a car whisked me to the most adorable Cotswold cottage, where he was waiting with a fire burning and a
ta
y weren’t exactly subtle indications. They were more
t he set up this date and c
question” he had to ask m
rse). Then he started teasi
ppens, I do like it. I do
I’ll be very happy to
more roundabout and this
again, at least I k
cided yet?” Richard look
st for an instant I thought he was bein
down to hide
be “yes.” A big, joyful
this place. Marriage. I m
en together, I’ve deliberat
ll associated subjects (chi
gether at his place, but I s
we go home to our own fam
ew we were good together
rprise birthday trip, tied w
’t shout at me) and his wor
way to Norfolk, with broken
with him. I got him. He
nd deliberate. Sometimes
ome to life so suddenly, y
lf asleep under the tree bu
le, leaping around. We co
tu
sense, obviously. Inhe was The One. But I a
my experience, the word “m
ctions in a relationship,
i
th Jamie, my first long-
years and I just happened
e we were (twenty-six and
e freaked out and said w
at moment we’d been fine.
of hearing the word “mar
at he couldn’t even face
tart to form
er, he was with that red-
amus. Seamus, with his sex
wrong with him. We were
ng-else-in-life-matters be
in about twenty-four hours. It was toxic. Too many state-of-the nation summit
year, and when I look back, it’s as though that se
t lasted two years too, bu
elationship. I suppose bot
o Blay Pharmaceuticals and
get partnership at his acc
properly—we just dri
and it’s the same for both
e even asked me out on a d
someone now and really ha
The guy sitting opposite m
ay
ter-looking than any of m
e’s gorgeous.) He works h
t as rich as Julian, but w
s laugh that makes my spir
ever since we went on a
e his temper with peopl
over our relationship, I d
ace, like with Julian. I s
s and smiles. Happy tim
the climax of the montage
es a deep
him. I want this to go be
fell in love with their fath
pos
n. Our home
nd the images, I feel a re
years old and I’m ready.
ject of marriage. My frie
me-scene cordon around th
use if you do, you’ve jin
cks
o jinx. I can feel the lo
Richard’s hands. I want to
erful man. I’m so lucky.
perhaps we’ll walk up th
k God we found each oth
ers? Love is so random. So random. It’s
ticed my damp eyes. “Hey
t’s
re honest with Richard t
ot a good idea to reveal m
says I think in Hollywood
people can’t hear
s. “Nothing. I just wish
ight to an assignment in
I’ll miss him terribly. In
dding to plan which
I can’t bear it.” He rea
kype eve
ze his hands back
to remember that, if I’
u’re saying. Inc
s eyes gives away the fac
d we Skyped, I started g
, forgetting that Richard
as liable to walk past a
dn
tip.” I shrug,
u. So you might not wa
“Maybe just a transparen
mp
my hands more tightly.
. I will never, ever get
to
lears his throat. “I hav
hey’re going to explode
ughts are spinning wildly
e.… Concentrate, Lottie …
rong wit
own at it
up stockings” is a liar a
well stayed up. It’s col
stic “adhesive” strip flap
de
e rest of my life looking back and thinking, It wa
I cut him off. “
down and yank the stockin
Now I have both flapping
ot believe my marriage pr
uld have gone
looks a little baffled
bl
s’,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.
t for a na
you
embarrassment. “I’ve ha
to see. Will
ts his head. I push my c
the looks of other lunchti
it. It’s a fl
of the Ladies’, wrench o
self in the mirror, my hea
ut my propo
n hold. As though we’re in
and I’ve got all the time
want to
don’t need, because
d headband turns to peer
, standing motionless wit
a
r there.” She nods
y have the urge to share
end’s in the middle
omen at the mirrors
he middle of’?” demands
arrowed. “What’s he
tocking catastrophe.” I wa
us
ays someone i
there quick,” says the r
hance to cha
he blond girl. “Can we
” says her friend. “Has he h
’t thi
n old woman with metal-
She’s waving her hands
enser. “Why do they inve
th a bar
e,” says the redheaded gi
too
nd stocking, and, since I’
e legs. I don’t want to loo
about the scaly shins.
t Fliss. I
doing
her reply appe
exting me in the mi
’. Taking
a great couple. Give
! Talk
he blond girl as I put aw
ut of the Ladies’, then r
k guy in the corner? He’
a makeup eraser pen. “
nably at her and start to
estnut hair is swept up i
down so it tumbles over
me
I pull some tendrils ou
thing else. Lipstick: nic
ut my blue eyes. Blusher
ll be flushed
uld propose,” says a lo
stfully. “What
g I could be more helpfu
now we’re compatible,
We’ve been living together, the
him,” says the b
e a year.” The long-hair
twitchy and we drop it.
t’s been si
an looks up from drying
h y
ir flushes. “Nothing’s wr
a private c
woman gestures briskly
ne’s li
edhead looks emba
y!” The old woman regar
le creatures. The minute th
l, you’ve handed him his ki
that,” says the long-
ot married because th
e old woman gives a brisk
nd living together and t
nt.” She picks up her bag.
aitin
ooks of apology, then dis
l exchange raised ey
uringly, and squeeze the g
want to spread the joy.
d I have had: finding the
t
ous effort to gather her
ery happy li
er pen back to the blond
ck
adies’ and survey the bust
play. There’s Richard, si
im. He’s not even checkin
as I am. The most speci
lide into my chair and
Shall we pick up w
I can tell he’s lost a
ly. “It’s such a special day,” I say
tely.”
” I gesture around. “The
lk
ly on the table, and, as
He takes a deep
e, there’s something I w
“I don’t think this will c
God, here
ice is a ner
for the
and my head jerks up. A
iced him. Almost before I
bout brown soda bread. I
. Couldn’t the waiter tell
proposal
thrown off track too. Stup
boyfriend’
gly, as soon as the wa
sti
s on me and takes a de
n round in surprise, to se
fair, I suppose it’s what
—I’m barely aware of wh
ther one will be back, any
w’s he supposed to propos
o men
ning at him wryly
rea
ll be along in a mi
s here.” He rolls his eyes
in this together. Who ca
rfect, staged moment? “Sh
a
knowing smile. “Would th
ou t
” He raises his eyeb
, I don’t know whether I
ous length of time, eking it out for bo
an see the tension flood
’s so unassuming. He’s s
etting
ard, yes,” I add for emp
now how much this means
to
and it’s as though we ha
er couples, who have to s
connect
lent. I can feel a cloud o
here forever. I can see us
corating a Christmas tree
ome and stay for Christmas,
the first thing I’ll do whe
x. She’ll adore helping wit
got a mother of
many plans. So much glor
ently rubbing his fing
re happy.” He c
or ages.” I sigh contented
s like … what will it be li
at you mea
this room. I’ll always
.” I squeeze his
” he say
d is, he can convey so m
He doesn’t need to say muc
si
girl watching us from ac
a triumphant smile, becaus
, gratef
, sir? Mademoiselle?” Th
m up
need some
back at me. “The house
art for a spec
st sharing our joy. “It’s a very sp
elier’s face creases int
!” We both turn to Richar
t of the moment. He’s stari
y does he look so s
is strangled. “W
’s upset. Of course. Trus
pin
d you want to tell your pa
derstand. We won’t tel
ide-eyed and starey. “Lo
ertainly. “You just propo
He yanks his h
d here. The sommelier has
ay the waiter with the
ching
I have no idea what you’
his hair. “I haven’t menti
nyth
you meant! When you ord
I said, ‘With all my heart,
uti
g for him to agree, longi
s baffled, and I feel
eant?” My throat is so t
s happening. “You di
opose!” he says forc
so loudly? Heads are p
ryw
nose with my napkin. “Y
restau
washing over me. I’m ri
t this
oposing, then why w
hard is talking almost to
’ve never di
t and indignation are eru
nizing a ‘spe
defensively. “I’m going t
liked your surname! Y
raw poll at the office!”
s chit
had to ask me a
n.” He shakes his
‘big qu
e between us. The cloud o
and swooping violins h
st onto the corner of the
ay at last. “This reall
sti
ped. “It’s not imp
on, te
lly. “I was going to ask
hought maybe we c
lashing out. “You booked a
o talk abou
nces. “Lottie, I feel ter
ely zer
bloody conversation abo
stroking your hand and say
ment for ages. And you we
nk I was ta
ling as though searching
know. Going o
’?” I stare at him. “Wh
t st
desperate. “The truth is
in a sudden confessional r
al
al
ken. I thought we had a sp
we had a private code. An
ing
ds in front of us and qu
ood to talk. I pick up my
ven seem to have
gement ring,” I say,
uries his head
. I’ll tak
tured. “Do we have to …
move away from th
get married?” As I ask th
ago I thought I was engag
inishing tape, arms up in
up my shoes, wondering
unno.” He sounds belea
swiveling more and more
tual
much clearer signal. Mayb
se, one day.
air comes over me. I beli
I have got it so wrong? I
anything
my salad for a few mome
ado and pomegranate seeds
chard, I do want to get mar
d I wanted them with you.
breathing hard but determ
I know the truth sooner r
, an
in alarm. “Wait! This d
too old to be on a waiting
rather know now and mov
scles have stopped wor
tter go.” Tears are edgin
ck to work and check on my
ff, but what’s the point?
the joyful ne
I feel a hand grabbing m
ith the beaded headb
demands excitedly. “D
fe stabbing in my heart. H
end anymore. But I’d ra
n proudly. “Actually, he p
and shoots
he eye of the long-haired
he next table.
s so incredulous that I f
antly. “I said ‘No.’ We we
cision to end it. Even thou
ds and a dog a
my back, and I swivel rou
he whole bloody rest
s rising in distress. “I
still sitting at the table
ou’re in love with me an
now. But the
it better, I stride o
d my desk littered with n
as out. I slump down at
ar a cough. Kayla, my inte
hovers round my door a lo
me a two-sided Christmas
how she would never ha
t for the talk I gave at Br
admit. As recruitment s
anie
h?” Her eyes
id I tell her Richard wa
e a kick, seeing her excitem
erw
estaurant.” I start to rif
ching for some vital
e you e
juice sprinkled on sore
raight out, “Are you engag
ring, which clearly I’m no
yla has some trouble wo
nda
acket, playing for time,
y, no. Actually, I
She sounds
. “Absolutely. I concluded
r point, this was
“But … you guys were
as simple as they appear,
qui
ave been d
a pause. “Yup. Pretty cru
’ll never see Richard agai
geon to the stomach, the e
All of it. I’ll never have s
ll never hug him again. So
kes me wan
nspiring.” Kayla’s eyes a
r career, and to have the
on’t do what eve
tely. “I was making a st
ve to conclude this conve
in the bursting-into-tear
art
s?” I scan the Post-it
he presentation tomorro
ll
n w
He said y
st Ben.” It’ll be some c
o get a foot in the door. I’
t
go over my presentation.
l she leaves. Deep breat
e on, m
ck it up with a sweeping
tte Gra
e! It’
o put the receiver st
iss.” I swa
how ar
te in her voice and curse
ted her from t
pressure. Why did I ever
n tell her I was dating Ri
start talking
ody. Nada. Zip. Not until we’ve been blissfully ma
. Then, and only then, w
at? I met someon
a breezy, matter-of-fac
d this e
angling. I know exactly w
assive diamond ring and
sucks your toes in so
can’t bear to talk about i
ind another topic.
und bright and nonchalant
ly should get round to doi
an, what am I waiting for? I could apply to Birkb