Wedding Night

engagement ring.

ng. It’s a plain band with

me into. If Richard doesn

turn it

eep it on his nightstand

nd never mention it. Actu

but I just felt bad that h

l out of a proposal. They

ne knee, they have to ask

d what do we have

,” obv

n of marriage proposals

I open my mouth automati

n hastily close

Richard g

beam. “Just …

ring already. I don’t mi

antic if he has. On the o

o choose o

a win

lovingly at Richard. We’r

’s a new restaurant on th

te marble and vintage ch

legant but not showy. The p

nderstated bride-to-be whi

-up stockings, just in ca

never worn stay-up stockin

proposed

s booked a roo

a ridiculous, out-ofproportion gesture. Nice lunc

s fiddling with his cuffs

his glass. As he sees me w

S

S

ing in code, skirting arou

my chair. This waiting is

t ove

ver with.” Of course I don

’s a beginning. A first ste

ether. Because we want t

f anyone else we’d rathe

ove him and

eady. This is hopeless. I’

alized what he

Richard. I mean, in a goo

out of the blue. On my last birthday, he hinted for ages that his present was going to be a su

out he’d secretly arranged with my boss for me to have two days off, and when I finally arrived at Stroud, a car whisked me to the most adorable Cotswold cottage, where he was waiting with a fire burning and a

ta

y weren’t exactly subtle indications. They were more

t he set up this date and c

question” he had to ask m

rse). Then he started teasi

ppens, I do like it. I do

I’ll be very happy to

more roundabout and this

again, at least I k

cided yet?” Richard look

st for an instant I thought he was bein

down to hide

be “yes.” A big, joyful

this place. Marriage. I m

en together, I’ve deliberat

ll associated subjects (chi

gether at his place, but I s

we go home to our own fam

ew we were good together

rprise birthday trip, tied w

’t shout at me) and his wor

way to Norfolk, with broken

with him. I got him. He

nd deliberate. Sometimes

ome to life so suddenly, y

lf asleep under the tree bu

le, leaping around. We co

tu

sense, obviously. In

he was The One. But I a

my experience, the word “m

ctions in a relationship,

i

th Jamie, my first long-

years and I just happened

e we were (twenty-six and

e freaked out and said w

at moment we’d been fine.

of hearing the word “mar

at he couldn’t even face

tart to form

er, he was with that red-

amus. Seamus, with his sex

wrong with him. We were

ng-else-in-life-matters be

in about twenty-four hours. It was toxic. Too many state-of-the nation summit

year, and when I look back, it’s as though that se

t lasted two years too, bu

elationship. I suppose bot

o Blay Pharmaceuticals and

get partnership at his acc

properly—we just dri

and it’s the same for both

e even asked me out on a d

someone now and really ha

The guy sitting opposite m

ay

ter-looking than any of m

e’s gorgeous.) He works h

t as rich as Julian, but w

s laugh that makes my spir

ever since we went on a

e his temper with peopl

over our relationship, I d

ace, like with Julian. I s

s and smiles. Happy tim

the climax of the montage

es a deep

him. I want this to go be

fell in love with their fath

pos

n. Our home

nd the images, I feel a re

years old and I’m ready.

ject of marriage. My frie

me-scene cordon around th

use if you do, you’ve jin

cks

o jinx. I can feel the lo

Richard’s hands. I want to

erful man. I’m so lucky.

perhaps we’ll walk up th

k God we found each oth

ers? Love is so random. So random. It’s

ticed my damp eyes. “Hey

t’s

re honest with Richard t

ot a good idea to reveal m

says I think in Hollywood

people can’t hear

s. “Nothing. I just wish

ight to an assignment in

I’ll miss him terribly. In

dding to plan which

I can’t bear it.” He rea

kype eve

ze his hands back

to remember that, if I’

u’re saying. Inc

s eyes gives away the fac

d we Skyped, I started g

, forgetting that Richard

as liable to walk past a

dn

tip.” I shrug,

u. So you might not wa

“Maybe just a transparen

mp

my hands more tightly.

. I will never, ever get

to

lears his throat. “I hav

hey’re going to explode

ughts are spinning wildly

e.… Concentrate, Lottie …

rong wit

own at it

up stockings” is a liar a

well stayed up. It’s col

stic “adhesive” strip flap

de

e rest of my life looking back and thinking, It wa

I cut him off. “

down and yank the stockin

Now I have both flapping

ot believe my marriage pr

uld have gone

looks a little baffled

bl

s’,” I mutter. “I’m sorry.

t for a na

you

embarrassment. “I’ve ha

to see. Will

ts his head. I push my c

the looks of other lunchti

it. It’s a fl

of the Ladies’, wrench o

self in the mirror, my hea

ut my propo

n hold. As though we’re in

and I’ve got all the time

want to

don’t need, because

d headband turns to peer

, standing motionless wit

a

r there.” She nods

y have the urge to share

end’s in the middle

omen at the mirrors

he middle of’?” demands

arrowed. “What’s he

tocking catastrophe.” I wa

us

ays someone i

there quick,” says the r

hance to cha

he blond girl. “Can we

” says her friend. “Has he h

’t thi

n old woman with metal-

She’s waving her hands

enser. “Why do they inve

th a bar

e,” says the redheaded gi

too

nd stocking, and, since I’

e legs. I don’t want to loo

about the scaly shins.

t Fliss. I

doing

her reply appe

exting me in the mi

’. Taking

a great couple. Give

! Talk

he blond girl as I put aw

ut of the Ladies’, then r

k guy in the corner? He’

a makeup eraser pen. “

nably at her and start to

estnut hair is swept up i

down so it tumbles over

me

I pull some tendrils ou

thing else. Lipstick: nic

ut my blue eyes. Blusher

ll be flushed

uld propose,” says a lo

stfully. “What

g I could be more helpfu

now we’re compatible,

We’ve been living together, the

him,” says the b

e a year.” The long-hair

twitchy and we drop it.

t’s been si

an looks up from drying

h y

ir flushes. “Nothing’s wr

a private c

woman gestures briskly

ne’s li

edhead looks emba

y!” The old woman regar

le creatures. The minute th

l, you’ve handed him his ki

that,” says the long-

ot married because th

e old woman gives a brisk

nd living together and t

nt.” She picks up her bag.

aitin

ooks of apology, then dis

l exchange raised ey

uringly, and squeeze the g

want to spread the joy.

d I have had: finding the

t

ous effort to gather her

ery happy li

er pen back to the blond

ck

adies’ and survey the bust

play. There’s Richard, si

im. He’s not even checkin

as I am. The most speci

lide into my chair and

Shall we pick up w

I can tell he’s lost a

ly. “It’s such a special day,” I say

tely.”

” I gesture around. “The

lk

ly on the table, and, as

He takes a deep

e, there’s something I w

“I don’t think this will c

God, here

ice is a ner

for the

and my head jerks up. A

iced him. Almost before I

bout brown soda bread. I

. Couldn’t the waiter tell

proposal

thrown off track too. Stup

boyfriend’

gly, as soon as the wa

sti

s on me and takes a de

n round in surprise, to se

fair, I suppose it’s what

—I’m barely aware of wh

ther one will be back, any

w’s he supposed to propos

o men

ning at him wryly

rea

ll be along in a mi

s here.” He rolls his eyes

in this together. Who ca

rfect, staged moment? “Sh

a

knowing smile. “Would th

ou t

” He raises his eyeb

, I don’t know whether I

ous length of time, eking it out for bo

an see the tension flood

’s so unassuming. He’s s

etting

ard, yes,” I add for emp

now how much this means

to

and it’s as though we ha

er couples, who have to s

connect

lent. I can feel a cloud o

here forever. I can see us

corating a Christmas tree

ome and stay for Christmas,

the first thing I’ll do whe

x. She’ll adore helping wit

got a mother of

many plans. So much glor

ently rubbing his fing

re happy.” He c

or ages.” I sigh contented

s like … what will it be li

at you mea

this room. I’ll always

.” I squeeze his

” he say

d is, he can convey so m

He doesn’t need to say muc

si

girl watching us from ac

a triumphant smile, becaus

, gratef

, sir? Mademoiselle?” Th

m up

need some

back at me. “The house

art for a spec

st sharing our joy. “It’s a very sp

elier’s face creases int

!” We both turn to Richar

t of the moment. He’s stari

y does he look so s

is strangled. “W

’s upset. Of course. Trus

pin

d you want to tell your pa

derstand. We won’t tel

ide-eyed and starey. “Lo

ertainly. “You just propo

He yanks his h

d here. The sommelier has

ay the waiter with the

ching

I have no idea what you’

his hair. “I haven’t menti

nyth

you meant! When you ord

I said, ‘With all my heart,

uti

g for him to agree, longi

s baffled, and I feel

eant?” My throat is so t

s happening. “You di

opose!” he says forc

so loudly? Heads are p

ryw

nose with my napkin. “Y

restau

washing over me. I’m ri

t this

oposing, then why w

hard is talking almost to

’ve never di

t and indignation are eru

nizing a ‘spe

defensively. “I’m going t

liked your surname! Y

raw poll at the office!”

s chit

had to ask me a

n.” He shakes his

‘big qu

e between us. The cloud o

and swooping violins h

st onto the corner of the

ay at last. “This reall

sti

ped. “It’s not imp

on, te

lly. “I was going to ask

hought maybe we c

lashing out. “You booked a

o talk abou

nces. “Lottie, I feel ter

ely zer

bloody conversation abo

stroking your hand and say

ment for ages. And you we

nk I was ta

ling as though searching

know. Going o

’?” I stare at him. “Wh

t st

desperate. “The truth is

in a sudden confessional r

al

al

ken. I thought we had a sp

we had a private code. An

ing

ds in front of us and qu

ood to talk. I pick up my

ven seem to have

gement ring,” I say,

uries his head

. I’ll tak

tured. “Do we have to …

move away from th

get married?” As I ask th

ago I thought I was engag

inishing tape, arms up in

up my shoes, wondering

unno.” He sounds belea

swiveling more and more

tual

much clearer signal. Mayb

se, one day.

air comes over me. I beli

I have got it so wrong? I

anything

my salad for a few mome

ado and pomegranate seeds

chard, I do want to get mar

d I wanted them with you.

breathing hard but determ

I know the truth sooner r

, an

in alarm. “Wait! This d

too old to be on a waiting

rather know now and mov

scles have stopped wor

tter go.” Tears are edgin

ck to work and check on my

ff, but what’s the point?

the joyful ne

I feel a hand grabbing m

ith the beaded headb

demands excitedly. “D

fe stabbing in my heart. H

end anymore. But I’d ra

n proudly. “Actually, he p

and shoots

he eye of the long-haired

he next table.

s so incredulous that I f

antly. “I said ‘No.’ We we

cision to end it. Even thou

ds and a dog a

my back, and I swivel rou

he whole bloody rest

s rising in distress. “I

still sitting at the table

ou’re in love with me an

now. But the

it better, I stride o

d my desk littered with n

as out. I slump down at

ar a cough. Kayla, my inte

hovers round my door a lo

me a two-sided Christmas

how she would never ha

t for the talk I gave at Br

admit. As recruitment s

anie

h?” Her eyes

id I tell her Richard wa

e a kick, seeing her excitem

erw

estaurant.” I start to rif

ching for some vital

e you e

juice sprinkled on sore

raight out, “Are you engag

ring, which clearly I’m no

yla has some trouble wo

nda

acket, playing for time,

y, no. Actually, I

She sounds

. “Absolutely. I concluded

r point, this was

“But … you guys were

as simple as they appear,

qui

ave been d

a pause. “Yup. Pretty cru

’ll never see Richard agai

geon to the stomach, the e

All of it. I’ll never have s

ll never hug him again. So

kes me wan

nspiring.” Kayla’s eyes a

r career, and to have the

on’t do what eve

tely. “I was making a st

ve to conclude this conve

in the bursting-into-tear

art

s?” I scan the Post-it

he presentation tomorro

ll

n w

He said y

st Ben.” It’ll be some c

o get a foot in the door. I’

t

go over my presentation.

l she leaves. Deep breat

e on, m

ck it up with a sweeping

tte Gra

e! It’

o put the receiver st

iss.” I swa

how ar

te in her voice and curse

ted her from t

pressure. Why did I ever

n tell her I was dating Ri

start talking

ody. Nada. Zip. Not until we’ve been blissfully ma

. Then, and only then, w

at? I met someon

a breezy, matter-of-fac

d this e

angling. I know exactly w

assive diamond ring and

sucks your toes in so

can’t bear to talk about i

ind another topic.

und bright and nonchalant

ly should get round to doi

an, what am I waiting for? I could apply to Birkb