Wedding Night

t went wrong. I don’t kno

’s relationships ends, s

egree. It’s like a

n to do a PhD, you know?

her voice. “Maybe do

e person—but not me. Not

a

“Yes. A PhD ab

ing her for details or as

t process for dealing with

ress any sympathy. I’ve

split up from Seamus. S

d and bloodshot eyes and I

d?” Whereupon she explod

nd share ice cream with my

e I just want to hang out

riends. Maybe I just want

r’s d

Jamie dumped her and I m

Lottie, p

or me? What do you mean

I don’t have a man? I th

me in one long tirade, an

n ear tr

nce as she talks about

side of herself for ages

is, and her tutor entered

id: she mentioned it strai

mi

silence. I don’t breathe.

nub of

r anymore,” she says in a careless, dropping-

tone. We could be talkin

tEn

we sp

s

’t ri

…” I’m running out of a

n, tha

ame.” She pause

m treading on eggshells

when an hour ago he was

s what I wa

’s version of events. She c

to see. But, hand on heart,

was planning to

not engaged but they’re

got to know Richard prett

if you ask me. (Which she

and interrupts before I’

k.) He’s sturdy, kind, su

vain. And in love with her

ve got that vibe of success

talk, the way they joke,

d gently around her shoul

hey seem to be heading f

oliday in Canada. They hav

At least

could. So wh

t exactly is he hoping t

sister? Does he think s

nce with a six-

ng a balled-up piece of p

realize I actually n

I can feel Lottie’s miser

I don’t care how prickly

ute they’re getting marrie

Breakup Process,

ad a ‘big question’?” I

is story,” she says in a

n’t a ‘big question.’

ig question” isn’t a vari

a s

was the q

s, as it happens,” she

imagine how that went d

notice. He’s gesticulating

speech for the awar

tant lie, and point at my

olding up its arrival. “I

lance at my watch, and my

s to listen supportively to

d touch up

and a hal

resentment, directed straig

heart, could he have ch

whole year? I hurriedly

en and sta

ike to thank everyone he

who are gnashing their t

use for

big awards event tonight,

I could come round, you kn

made a heinous error. I’v

she turn

scathingly. “You don’t n

t Richard? You think my

inking about him. I only

’s degree. That wa

cktrack. “Of c

s an exchange program in

tanf

d I type faster and faster

he same old words, every

inues to innovate and i

innovations that we

ress delete a

advances that my team of reviewers

nice touch of gravitas t

he year engaging with a se

s in stilettos showing u

towel-c

due to Bradley

d first? Or Me

know it. This is the law o

en grab the microphone aga

ne’s listening. Then you ha

them personally while you

le are floating the wo

veryone who put this a

is awards ceremony togethe

ll seven billion people on

a positive. I really do, F

e, you know? I mea

o the phone. Lottie’s refu

st endearing qualities. H

it makes me w

s me want to tear my hair

bloody master’s degrees

goes. I’ve been here bef

brave and positive. She r

ybe weeks, without crack

t know her say, “Wow, Lot

ly w

n happens. Which it does,

, total fuckwit gesture wh

h time, it’s something diff

rpriced flat in Borough th

. An “intimate” piercing w

wo

lt was the worst. They got

lking about “enlightenment

London, sniffing o

ric period that Lottie fi

“Fliss, why didn’t you stop me?” And “Fliss, I hate t

! What will

st-breakup fuckwit action

er used a lot while she wa

worn by a dinner-party gu

a South African beauty q

hat glacial stare, and w

s it wasn’t us who had

her. But sometimes I wish

o help pick up the piece

, he lives in Johannesburg.

a glass of whiskey, he’

babble on about sabbati

other Unfortunate Choic

ugh I’m scanning the hor

the shark will surfa

e and rant and throw thing

her system. When I broke

ks. It wasn’t pretty. But a

d. “You know I’m off on

ek

ye

ll be

er scathing tone returns.

e tonight. I’ve been mea

ual

d one. Just don’t

her’s sayings. I have a s

suit and green glittery

sitting at the bar in that

Lottie and I watched, in

wn out fr

would intone the phrase t

as a general toast like “Do

ter, at a family lunch, by

n the pain,

and for “getting totally

nn

you,” retorts Lottie, sounding offende

oo many vodkas after Dan

ch to an audience of curr

in

” I sigh. “

se my eyes, and give my b

forget Lottie’s love life.

I have to finish

y type a list of people t

sorry. I email it to Ian,

from m

ffice, Celia pounces on

as the trademark crow’s fe

the spa treatments would

the other way around. They

uld situate them in northe

ght a

ere a piec

BlackBerry: Zero-dayl

ythin

looks livid.” She swallo

try nickname for Gunter B

ives in Switzerland and ha

t I assumed he wouldn’t tu

otel in Dubai, t

ne. Don’

s me.” Celia’s voice

both shoulders. “You st

es

some strength into her, bu

rites such savage, excori

d sensitive

ere a piec

reviewers in the

aders don’t want to meet

ives in Hackney and is an

know that their massive sl

w, white beach/mountains,

sine/expensive club sandwiches that

is. You’re safe.” I pat

the corridor again. I head

airy, double-height hall—

every year our overcrowd

space. But it comes into it

ff items in my head. Mass

one will eat: check. Cate

: check. Ian from IT is

ith the au

?” I hu

“I’ve loaded the speec

witch on the microphone,

y voice. “I’m Felicity Gr

ld like to welcome you t

y. And what a

onic eyebrow that I’m goi

cited t

e grins. “I have eighte

ery year we have a stand-

and then we g

e.” I switch off the

orridor, I see Gavin, our

ble forty-inch waist into

ashes a menacing anti-smi

is still doing so

nd I’m not going to be in

ead of five. He should have

lightly more sand to lay

ed beach” and tried hirin

af

, survey my reflection,

version of me in the mi

d those shadows appear

bruptly decide. My hair,

ached. Or maybe everythin

that has an all-in-one ble

pen for the teeth

my BlackBerry, then attack everything I can with br

amn well wear lipstick. Pe

Y LIES HERE. SHE COULD

atch, and press Daniel on

discussed the timing, he’

iel, pick up.…

cem

st

capable of going from

unds and I

with elaborate calmness,

I have to be at this ev

scussed it. S

not allow him to get to me

a process and we’re all p

l those books I was given

a circle or a pi

breath. “Maybe you can

e? Tha

nd remind myself I’m not

e face out of my mind. I’m t

ace that—against pretty

s shaggy fringe, his huge

es. Curled up on the sof

under h

re having a lovely time

later, but if I don’t manag

e y

or now. I have stuff to do

, till the beep tells m

t.” I press the phone u

ams, OK? N

amiliar little voice, and

no

ucinating? Has he overri

ive it a quick bash against

I say c

ello-hell

sn’t coming from the ph

into my office and ther

the armchair I g

he yells

ess. “Noah. You’re here.

x-husband, who is standin

he magazine. “What’s goin

your place?” I add with

nne

” puts in Noa

ling! So … Daniel?” My sm

e is: the more I smile at

tabbin

s features with a critica

ore. He’s gained a couple

hat’s a mistake; his hair

Trudy likes

?” I tr

shrugs easily, as though

t shrug of his is new. It’

ders were permanently hu

under his suit. He bounc

s sense of humor has be

doesn’t joke anymo

to have sex. I can’t b

e Matrix and I’ll wake up

s time I’ve been lying in a

My smile

spend tonight with y

dumbfounded. “No, we d

ankfurt tonight. I

you d

d

ou did not sen

I’d drop

y Daniel can be. I, on th

ervous b

mbling with the effort of

d to have Noah here ton

y? Why would I

about to go to the airpo

bag.” He dumps Noah’s ru

going to have you t

no way ou

who is eyeing the two of

huge eyes. No child of his

me!” I ruffle his hair rea

e a mo

to the Ladies’. It’s emp

ot contain mys

A FUCKING EMAIL!” My

as I meet my own eyes in t

Enough to get th

he office, to see Danie

or whatever.” I sit down

on the card for the bouqu

t new spa–resort in Marrak

aveney and

ce. I can sense him lurkin

here?” I li

e surveys me with that ri

ore points to raise

’m so stunned

manage to ut

nts. We’ve finished rais

a court case and two appe

. It’s

ith Trudy.” He does his

e interest

him. He does not get to t

wants a divorce, she can

es

” He puts a wad of papers

ad

ugh he’s recommendi

ttle coming to the boil. “

rce is done. We’ve thrash

re important to

go for a shoddy, ill-prepared divorce. One with n

ead of h

e agreed,” I say tightly,

ould have been not findin

his briefcase, where an

t stumbl

letters! I still can’t beli

is own wife. I can’t belie

toons. I was genuinely sho

hing would have been diff

bsessed weirdo he was

“Perhaps I have more of

too c

e? Who is this rubberfaced, emotionally stunted id

feel like if I rose from my

un for h

on’t exactly mean for it

ere are six little ink spots

ppiness insi

ooks down at his shirt an

d you just flick

f he witnessed his mother

n the far more mature wor

d,” I say

years old?” His face cru

g one of the ink spots. “I

is

ental responsibility,

un

nly sobers. I’m tired of

son, who is bent over his b

ucked up, and on his knee i

ing to it and I AM A SU

ail out on him like this?

to chat with him. It’s as

for and reached an elemen

all and maybe he should have

” I repeat. “I th

departs. I draw his stupid

o read a word, then open

pe fur

ith me with no notice, contraven

egarding divorce settlement.

from its place on a cha

My memory stick is my co

ole sorry Daniel story. I r

Barnaby,

eve it,” I say as soon a

t the settlement again.

Noah to see if he heard m

l have to hand him over to

ncy child-c

p and ruffle his hai

ople at parties is, it’s qu

to move away from the co

shirt bearing down on you.

the Mandarin Oriental

g for half an hour and

lps that he’s so massive a

natural that every time he

ite direction, or out of t

n, into th

for me. Gunter Bachmeier is actually standing in

ay smoothly. “How deligh

catch up

ing me,” he says in

ng the party?” I force my

y fo

raduced my

with a rich, rolling soun

wouldn’t know the equivalent for “traduced”

ting.” I smile pleasantl

raduction? Traducedom? “

nable to allot

hotel yourself.” He’s b

You hef treated me

before I can stop myself.

ing. “H

just have a terrible parro

to. Now Gunter is glaring

icity?” Gavin, our publish

d I know why. Last year, t

reads. The Gruffalo is kee

ve-star review simply bec

Pincher Travel Revie

o Gunter that I sent one

I say. “I’m sorry h

urrrself.” Gunter spits

ibility, Felicity? Wherrr

ly feel a bit shaken. As I

is p

nd lighthearted. “Wh

Palm Stellar?” Gavin is

That’s always

Davidson,” I say bright

a great

e Palm Stellar?” he repe

rd

on with … with …” I clea

. “Some pers

uddenly comprehend

answer. I twist my watch

erested in t

s voice sharpens o

th embarrassment. I know

style proportions. I kno

ld have. I know I keep pr

and d

have a choice. And i

ed in Edinburgh,” I admit at last. “I had to

me to one side of the co

stomach turns over. That’

ell people their magazine

the building? “Felicit

ur plight than me

does he know about divo

r of them seems to m

vin,” I feel o

divorce get in the way of

ational,” he raps

me, I feel genuinely nervo

the “reputation of Pinche

ring someone.

nce, the only way to dea

anyt

as tall as possible and af

lear.” I pause, as though

e clear. If there’s one thi

e compromise my

ng shriek interrupts

reezes. Th

n

und assaults my ears. O

hitting people in the face

ng down the corridor tow

ll around him with his au

check his

Noah, grab him by the col

op that! Gavin, I’m so so

k after Noah tonight, but h

it!

ssed some button on the N

mething out of Reservoir

boss with an automatic

in my appraisal. The stre

e splutter

un on the floor. “I d

y. There are three orange Nerf bullets lodged

. “Gavin. I don’t

interrupts me hastily. “I

en at the office,” I poin

h waiting for his verdict

haking h

meshes his hands together

self

ification as I frog-marc

fi

ning!” he keep

tching her head. “He said

r a smile. “Noah, we don

office

ething to eat,” says Elis

ick. Go. Now. It’ll b

the room and I feel ev

urry back, sweep in, gat

this evening back into the

ays

ike I could go to sleep ri

he perfect place

ust as the phone rings. I’

me uplifting

el

y? Barna

eeling freshly galvanized.

niel just did. He’d agree

h. And now he says he wants

nd up back

out.” Barnaby’s unhurri

y spoke a bit more quickly

. “We’ll sort i

o frust

mustn’t stress. Try

e ki

up. I can email it to you

. “Shall I d

don’t need to keep a dossie

lk about ‘unreasonable beh

the judge knew w

oes know wha

ut

e Divorce Fantasy,” says

u about the Di

the way Barnaby can read

ugh he costs a bomb even

ne else. Now he’s waitin

er in

l never happen,” I mumbl

erna

ll never happen,” he re

two-hundred-page dossier

owd jeers at your ex-husba

, you are a saint to have

s award you every

at is pretty much my Divo

wd throws bottle

to being wrong,” Barnab

nt of the judge, weeping

ll never report your divor

FULL SHITTIN

norting with laught

sounds skeptical. “Are yo

wake up one day and reali

understand, Daniel will ne

errible human being. I cou

would still

n feel a ball of frustrati

in

don’t dwell on him. Flu

ne

I mutter after a pause. “H

y more gently. “I did

le. I stare at my office

t I slump right down, resting m

divo

s Barnaby. “Man’s

dunno.” I sigh heavily. “

Except Noah. I’d keep Noa

d dr

that’s what you want,”

at the phone suspiciousl

he contract is null and

amazed how many cl

I get

Maybe there’s some chea

lment.” Null and void. I l

rnaby mention

a bigamist,” says Barna

summated it. Or one of you

me

“I was crazy to even

say.” He laughs. “Wo

dies away. Damn. I wish

wife in a Mormon bonnet

nd save me all

ck with the divorce,” I sa

charge me another thirt

ing

ver sounds remotely offen

u’re still going

tomo

f for two weeks to the Cô

holiday. As far as I’m co

and a theme park. I’ll be

ate, but I c

Nathan Forrester. The o

uld meet up while you’r

pirits lift. “OK.

ls. He’s a nice guy. Play

at agai

of the South of France. S

s, Ba

sure. By

d it immediately rings

some point

Bar

for some rather fast, ra

y pressed redial while s

I know who it is really. I

I Try” faintly in the ba

p soun

again. “Lotti

avy breathing,

ie? L

into a massive sob. “I re

propooo

cradle the phone, wish

thea

rs with him and I though

t! He didn’t!” She’s cryi

“And what am I going to do

she’s h

” I say quickly. “Nothing

e lov

ught him a

tare at the phone. Did I h

a

an’t help asking. I imag

arkly sapphi

resented him with a sp

ffs defensively. “A ring.

nt ring? No. Uh-

. “Are you sure Richard is

d that have

h the ring!” She erupts i

I’d never bought the blo

e I thought he’d boug

ay hastil

own a little. “I’m sorry

tdo

y. What else a

stly. But secretly I can’t help feeling a bit relieve

This is

t to do, and I feel so mu

ows her nose noisily. “I f

. A

“goal.” That’s one of m

t,” “change of direction,

usly. “Great! So … um

ying around the possibil

property purchase. I’ve tal

s, it can’t be t

t move to

Because 1) she’s skinny a

me be her “buddy” and i

Keep to the plan, you fat

efu

her as lightly as I can,

h d

Francisco on the first fl

and pr

drop the phone.

, burst into his office?

the so-called “manly” en

rly humiliated and devastat

ces aft

unds totally hyper. “I l

to be together, then surely

the move! I’m on the Vir

emium economy? Can y

ht to San Francisco,” I

muster. “Close down your

inte

ut

ore gently. “Richard had h

it would be

sounds harsh. But it’s

need to read the signs. T

i

married!” she says eagerly. “He just needs pe

dy great elbow in

Lottie dragging Richard up

here that story ends up.

er, at five hundred quid

verely. “And listen hard.

n two hundred percent sure

ent.” I eye Daniel’s lates

h it. I’ve been there and

her end of the phone. I k

s-and-flowers image of pr

e Bridge m

least,” I say. “Don’t jump

iffer

breath, cross

ast, sounding forlorn.

ve done it. I’ve actually d

one of Lottie’s Unfortuna

out the infection bef

ing more rationa

suggest, to cheer her up.

rom ho

,” says Lottie in a smal

are. Ta

le my frustration in a g

with. Richard? Daniel? G

n except various honorabl

Neville; the Dala

my computer screen and I lean forward in ho

ea