Wedding Night
t went wrong. I don't kno
's relationships ends, s
egree. It's like a
n to do a PhD, you know?
her voice. "Maybe do
e person-but not me. Not
a
"Yes. A PhD ab
ing her for details or as
t process for dealing with
ress any sympathy. I've
split up from Seamus. S
d and bloodshot eyes and I
d?" Whereupon she explod
nd share ice cream with my
e I just want to hang out
iends. Maybe I just want to
r's d
Jamie dumped her and I m
Lottie, p
or me? What do you mean
I don't have a man? I th
me in one long tirade, an
n ear tr
nce as she talks about
side of herself for ages
is, and her tutor entered
id: she mentioned it strai
mi
silence. I don't breathe.
nub of
r anymore," she says in a careless, dropping-
tone. We could be talkin
tEn
we sp
s
't ri
..." I'm running out of a
n, tha
ame." She pause
'm treading on eggshells
.
when an hour ago he was
s what I wa
's version of events. She c
to see. But, hand on heart,
was planning to
not engaged but they're
got to know Richard prett
if you ask me. (Which she
and interrupts before I'
k.) He's sturdy, kind, su
vain. And in love with her
ve got that vibe of success
talk, the way they joke,
d gently around her shoul
hey seem to be heading f
oliday in Canada. They hav
At least
could. So wh
t exactly is he hoping t
sister? Does he think s
nce with a six-
ng a balled-up piece of p
realize I actually n
I can feel Lottie's miser
I don't care how prickly
ute they're getting marrie
Breakup Process,
ad a 'big question'?" I
is story," she says in a
n't a 'big question.'
ig question" isn't a vari
a s
was the q
s, as it happens," she
imagine how that went d
notice. He's gesticulating
speech for the awar
tant lie, and point at my
olding up its arrival. "I
lance at my watch, and my
s to listen supportively to
d touch up
and a hal
resentment, directed straig
heart, could he have ch
whole year? I hurriedly
en and sta
ike to thank everyone he
who are gnashing their t
use for
big awards event tonight,
could come round, you know
made a heinous error. I'v
she turn
scathingly. "You don't n
t Richard? You think my
inking about him. I only
's degree. That wa
cktrack. "Of c
s an exchange program in
anfor
d I type faster and faster
he same old words, every
inues to innovate and i
innovations that we
ress delete a
advances that my team of reviewers
nice touch of gravitas t
he year engaging with a se
s in stilettos showing u
towel-c
ue to Bradley R
d first? Or Me
know it. This is the law o
en grab the microphone aga
ne's listening. Then you ha
them personally while you
le are floating the wo
veryone who put this a
is awards ceremony togethe
ll seven billion people on
.
s a positive. I really do,
e, you know? I mea
o the phone. Lottie's refu
st endearing qualities. H
it makes me w
s me want to tear my hair
bloody master's degrees
goes. I've been here bef
brave and positive. She r
ybe weeks, without crack
t know her say, "Wow, Lot
ly w
n happens. Which it does,
, total fuckwit gesture wh
h time, it's something diff
rpriced flat in Borough th
. An "intimate" piercing w
wo
lt was the worst. They got
lking about "enlightenment
London, sniffing o
ric period that Lottie fi
"Fliss, why didn't you stop me?" And "Fliss, I hate t
! What will
st-breakup fuckwit action
er used a lot while she wa
worn by a dinner-party gu
a South African beauty q
hat glacial stare, and w
s it wasn't us who had
her. But sometimes I wish
o help pick up the piece
, he lives in Johannesburg.
a glass of whiskey, he'
babble on about sabbati
other Unfortunate Choic
ugh I'm scanning the hor
the shark will surfa
e and rant and throw thing
her system. When I broke
ks. It wasn't pretty. But a
ad. "You know I'm off on
ek
ye
ll be
er scathing tone returns.
e tonight. I've been mea
ual
d one. Just don't
her's sayings. I have a s
suit and green glittery
sitting at the bar in that
Lottie and I watched, in
wn out fr
would intone the phrase t
as a general toast like "Do
ter, at a family lunch, by
n the pain,
and for "getting totally
nn
you," retorts Lottie, sounding offende
oo many vodkas after Dan
ch to an audience of curr
in
" I sigh. "
se my eyes, and give my b
forget Lottie's love life.
I have to finish
y type a list of people t
sorry. I email it to Ian,
from m
ffice, Celia pounces on
as the trademark crow's fe
the spa treatments would
the other way around. They
uld situate them in northe
ght a
ere a piec
BlackBerry: Zero-dayl
ythin
looks livid." She swallo
try nickname for Gunter B
ives in Switzerland and ha
t I assumed he wouldn't tu
otel in Dubai, t
ne. Don'
s me." Celia's voice
both shoulders. "You st
es
some strength into her, bu
rites such savage, excori
d sensitive
ere a piec
reviewers in the
aders don't want to meet
ives in Hackney and is an
know that their massive sl
w, white beach/mountains,
sine/expensive club sandwiches that
is. You're safe." I pat
the corridor again. I head
airy, double-height hall-
every year our overcrowd
space. But it comes into it
ff items in my head. Mass
one will eat: check. Cate
: check. Ian from IT is
ith the au
?" I hu
"I've loaded the speec
witch on the microphone,
y voice. "I'm Felicity Gr
ld like to welcome you t
y. And what a
onic eyebrow that I'm goi
cited t
e grins. "I have eighte
ery year we have a stand-
and then we g
ne." I switch off the
orridor, I see Gavin, our
ble forty-inch waist into
ashes a menacing anti-smi
is still doing so
nd I'm not going to be in
ead of five. He should have
lightly more sand to lay
ed beach" and tried hirin
af
, survey my reflection,
version of me in the mi
d those shadows appear
bruptly decide. My hair,
ached. Or maybe everythin
that has an all-in-one ble
pen for the teeth
my BlackBerry, then attack everything I can with br
amn well wear lipstick. Pe
Y LIES HERE. SHE COULD
atch, and press Daniel on
discussed the timing, he'
iel, pick up....
cem
st
capable of going from
unds and I
with elaborate calmness,
I have to be at this ev
scussed it. S
not allow him to get to me
a process and we're all p
l those books I was given
a circle or a pi
breath. "Maybe you can
e? Tha
nd remind myself I'm not
e face out of my mind. I'm t
ace that-against pretty
s shaggy fringe, his huge
es. Curled up on the sof
under h
re having a lovely time
later, but if I don't manag
e y
or now. I have stuff to do
, till the beep tells m
t." I press the phone u
ams, OK? N
amiliar little voice, and
no
ucinating? Has he overri
ive it a quick bash against
I say c
llo-hello-
sn't coming from the ph
into my office and ther
the armchair I g
he yells
ess. "Noah. You're here.
ex-husband, who is stand
he magazine. "What's goin
your place?" I add with
nne
" puts in Noa
ing! So ... Daniel?" My sm
e is: the more I smile at
tabbin
s features with a critica
ore. He's gained a couple
hat's a mistake; his hair
Trudy likes
?" I tr
shrugs easily, as though
t shrug of his is new. It'
ders were permanently hu
under his suit. He bounc
s sense of humor has be
doesn't joke anymo
to have sex. I can't b
e Matrix and I'll wake up
s time I've been lying in a
My smile
spend tonight with y
dumbfounded. "No, we d
ankfurt tonight. I
you d
d
ou did not sen
I'd drop
y Daniel can be. I, on th
ervous b
mbling with the effort of
d to have Noah here ton
y? Why would I
about to go to the airpo
bag." He dumps Noah's ru
going to have you t
no way ou
who is eyeing the two of
huge eyes. No child of his
me!" I ruffle his hair rea
a mome
to the Ladies'. It's emp
ot contain mys
A FUCKING EMAIL!" My
as I meet my own eyes in t
Enough to get th
he office, to see Danie
or whatever." I sit down
on the card for the bouqu
t new spaโresort in Marrak
aveney and
ce. I can sense him lurkin
here?" I li
e surveys me with that ri
ore points to raise
'm so stunned
manage to ut
nts. We've finished rais
a court case and two appe
. It's
ith Trudy." He does his
e interest
him. He does not get to t
wants a divorce, she can
es
" He puts a wad of papers
ad
ugh he's recommendi
ttle coming to the boil. "
rce is done. We've thrash
re important to
go for a shoddy, ill-prepared divorce. One with n
ead of h
e agreed," I say tightly,
ould have been not findin
his briefcase, where an
t stumbl
letters! I still can't beli
is own wife. I can't belie
toons. I was genuinely sho
hing would have been diff
bsessed weirdo he was
"Perhaps I have more of
too c
e? Who is this rubberfaced, emotionally stunted id
feel like if I rose from my
un for h
on't exactly mean for it
ere are six little ink spots
ppiness insi
ooks down at his shirt an
d you just flick
f he witnessed his mother
n the far more mature wor
d," I say
years old?" His face cru
g one of the ink spots. "I
is
ental responsibility,
un
nly sobers. I'm tired of
son, who is bent over his b
ucked up, and on his knee i
ing to it and I AM A SU
ail out on him like this?
to chat with him. It's as
for and reached an elemen
all and maybe he should have
" I repeat. "I th
departs. I draw his stupid
o read a word, then open
pe fur
ith me with no notice, contraven
egarding divorce settlement.
from its place on a cha
My memory stick is my co
ole sorry Daniel story. I r
Barnaby,
eve it," I say as soon a
t the settlement again.
Noah to see if he heard m
l have to hand him over to
ncy child-c
p and ruffle his hai
ople at parties is, it's qu
to move away from the co
shirt bearing down on you.
the Mandarin Oriental
g for half an hour and
lps that he's so massive a
natural that every time he
ite direction, or out of t
, into the
for me. Gunter Bachmeier is actually standing in
ay smoothly. "How deligh
catch up
ing me," he says in
ng the party?" I force my
y fo
raduced my
with a rich, rolling soun
wouldn't know the equivalent for "traduced"
ting." I smile pleasantl
Traduction? Traducedom? "
nable to allot
hotel yourself." He's b
You hef treated me
before I can stop myself.
ing. "H
just have a terrible parro
to. Now Gunter is glaring
icity?" Gavin, our publish
d I know why. Last year, t
reads. The Gruffalo is kee
ve-star review simply bec
Pincher Travel Revie
o Gunter that I sent one
I say. "I'm sorry h
urrrself." Gunter spits
ibility, Felicity? Wherrr
ly feel a bit shaken. As I
is p
nd lighthearted. "Wh
Palm Stellar?" Gavin is
That's always
Davidson," I say bright
a great
e Palm Stellar?" he repe
rd
n with ... with ..." I cl
. "Some pers
uddenly comprehend
answer. I twist my watch
erested in t
s voice sharpens o
th embarrassment. I know
style proportions. I kno
ld have. I know I keep pr
and d
have a choice. And i
ed in Edinburgh," I admit at last. "I had to
me to one side of the co
stomach turns over. That'
ell people their magazine
the building? "Felicit
ur plight than me
does he know about divo
r of them seems to m
vin," I feel o
divorce get in the way of
ational," he raps
me, I feel genuinely nervo
the "reputation of Pinche
ring someone.
nce, the only way to dea
anyt
as tall as possible and af
lear." I pause, as though
e clear. If there's one thi
e compromise my
ng shriek interrupts
reezes. Th
n
und assaults my ears. O
hitting people in the face
ng down the corridor tow
ll around him with his au
check his
Noah, grab him by the col
op that! Gavin, I'm so so
k after Noah tonight, but h
it!
ssed some button on the N
mething out of Reservoir
boss with an automatic
in my appraisal. The stre
e splutter
n on the floor. "I did
y. There are three orange Nerf bullets lodged
. "Gavin. I don't
interrupts me hastily. "I
en at the office," I poin
h waiting for his verdict
haking h
meshes his hands together
self
ification as I frog-marc
fi
ning!" he keep
tching her head. "He said
r a smile. "Noah, we don
office
ething to eat," says Elis
ick. Go. Now. It'll b
the room and I feel ev
urry back, sweep in, gat
this evening back into the
ays
ike I could go to sleep ri
he perfect place
ust as the phone rings. I'
me uplifting
el
y? Barna
eeling freshly galvanized.
niel just did. He'd agree
h. And now he says he wants
nd up back
out." Barnaby's unhurri
y spoke a bit more quickly
. "We'll sort i
o frust
mustn't stress. Try
e ki
up. I can email it to you
. "Shall I d
don't need to keep a dossie
lk about 'unreasonable beh
the judge knew w
oes know wha
ut
e Divorce Fantasy," says
u about the Di
the way Barnaby can read
ugh he costs a bomb even
ne else. Now he's waitin
er in
l never happen," I mumbl
erna
ll never happen," he re
two-hundred-page dossier
owd jeers at your ex-husba
, you are a saint to have
s award you every
at is pretty much my Divo
wd throws bottle
to being wrong," Barnab
nt of the judge, weeping
ll never report your divor
FULL SHITTIN
norting with laught
sounds skeptical. "Are yo
wake up one day and reali
understand, Daniel will ne
errible human being. I cou
would still
n feel a ball of frustrati
in
don't dwell on him. Flu
ne
I mutter after a pause. "H
y more gently. "I did
le. I stare at my office
t I slump right down, resting m
divo
s Barnaby. "Man's
I dunno." I sigh heavily.
Except Noah. I'd keep Noa
d dr
that's what you want,"
at the phone suspiciousl
he contract is null and
amazed how many cl
I get
Maybe there's some chea
lment." Null and void. I l
rnaby mention
a bigamist," says Barna
summated it. Or one of you
me
"I was crazy to even
say." He laughs. "Wo
dies away. Damn. I wish
wife in a Mormon bonnet
nd save me all
ck with the divorce," I sa
charge me another thirt
ing
ver sounds remotely offen
u're still going
tomo
f for two weeks to the Cรด
holiday. As far as I'm co
and a theme park. I'll be
ate, but I c
Nathan Forrester. The o
uld meet up while you'r
pirits lift. "OK.
ls. He's a nice guy. Play
at agai
of the South of France. S
s, Ba
sure. By
d it immediately rings
some point
Bar
for some rather fast, ra
y pressed redial while s
I know who it is really. I
I Try" faintly in the ba
p soun
again. "Lotti
avy breathing,
ie? L
into a massive sob. "I re
propooooo
cradle the phone, wish
thea
rs with him and I though
't! He didn't!" She's cryi
"And what am I going to do
she's h
" I say quickly. "Nothing
e lov
ught him a
tare at the phone. Did I h
a
an't help asking. I imag
arkly sapphi
resented him with a sp
ffs defensively. "A ring.
nt ring? No. Uh-
. "Are you sure Richard is
d that have
h the ring!" She erupts i
I'd never bought the blo
e I thought he'd boug
ay hastil
own a little. "I'm sorry
down
y. What else a
stly. But secretly I can't help feeling a bit relieve
This is
t to do, and I feel so mu
ows her nose noisily. "I f
. A
"goal." That's one of m
t," "change of direction,
sly. "Great! So ... um
ying around the possibil
property purchase. I've tal
s, it can't be t
t move to
Because 1) she's skinny a
me be her "buddy" and i
Keep to the plan, you fat
efu
her as lightly as I can,
h d
Francisco on the first fl
and pr
drop the phone.
, burst into his office?
the so-called "manly" en
rly humiliated and devastat
ces aft
unds totally hyper. "I l
to be together, then surely
the move! I'm on the Vir
emium economy? Can y
ht to San Francisco," I
muster. "Close down your
inte
ut
ore gently. "Richard had h
it would be
sounds harsh. But it's
need to read the signs. T
i
arried!" she says eagerly. "He just needs pers
dy great elbow in
Lottie dragging Richard up
here that story ends up.
er, at five hundred quid
verely. "And listen hard.
n two hundred percent sure
ent." I eye Daniel's lates
it. I've been there and it
her end of the phone. I k
s-and-flowers image of pr
e Bridge m
least," I say. "Don't jump
iffer
breath, cross
ast, sounding forlorn.
ve done it. I've actually d
one of Lottie's Unfortuna
out the infection bef
ing more rationa
suggest, to cheer her up.
rom ho
," says Lottie in a smal
are. Ta
le my frustration in a g
with. Richard? Daniel? G
n except various honorabl
Neville; the Dala
my computer screen and I lean forward in ho
ea
Billionaires
Billionaires
Romance
Billionaires
Romance
Romance