Wedding Night
I feel like a sportsman in the zone. I feel like a conv
mazing
o my resolution regardin
stupid resolution. Dinne
sticky situation. This co
down me, I'm having the
nnected Ben and I are. I
ff, as if the last decade
re young and big-eyed. Sh
re everything the world ha
play he'd seen the week b
s (I didn't mention that
ing since then. There's s
mem
ious list of who-what-w
onships, any of that boring
t do you do?" or "Is your
get a pension?" I
nows I'm single. That's
ot more than I have. He
in Greece. He keeps spark
the poker tournament. I'd
about the night we played
moment Ben reminds me,
n a vivi
ing up my nose, trying t
name ... oh
and high-fives me.
given Big Bill a thought,
the corner of the terrace,
cings than I'd ever seen
th a needle. He had a rea
ched and cheered whil
eyes briefly. "I've never
lif
chimes in Ben. "Rem
never
ins reminiscently.
d him and hung on his every word. He was the most
om attending Harvard to
round the world and endi
uld sit every night in the
about the time he had lu
. He'd had so many advent
e night and weeping on hi
amazing stuff. (I can't
was a
er the
I groan. "How
on top of a cliff. To ge
et into the cliff. We used
day. No wonder
h? Whatever ha
at did she
Silky skin." He seems t
ughter. You mus
bout hearing descriptions
t s
veling before you came.
d videos of Dirk and Sal
h th
ly!" I exclai
partners on the block,"
-over
I join in, doing the Di
single Dirk and Sally ep
as the only box set of vid
g on apart from Greek ne
ings. It's a 1970s detecti
ice school and decide to
artners. Nobody knows exc
ng to expose th
sitting with Ben on that
gled up, both wearing esp
y while everyone else
kidnapped by the neighbor,
comes to live with them,
asking him where he lear
in the pea
y God
a moment, lo
seen Dirk and Sally," sa
t
ugh the truth is, I'd pret
l he mentione
oughts have moved
meet his eyes and it al
ith hot, teenage-level de
ther. And then again. Ever
ound the bay. You had to ge
n would sail us there, say
ook. And I would sit there
st panting wit
the table. Ben's thinkin
there. He looks as i
through the flu," he
tten
ber nursing him throug
m sure I did, if he says
, because it would ruin the
sang me to sleep. I was
ough the night." He takes
ttie. Maybe I went off the
n my
s so romantic. I'm quite
o ask him would spoil th
s. Then they come back on
were doing
ft hand. "How come you
yw
he right guy,"
ike you? Should be
." I laugh, but for the
And all of a sudden-I can'
, which is weird, because I never go to the opera no
gala of Tosca and he was in
oment I saw him with som
hadn't even met him and I
out champagne, and then
introduced," and I nearly
y
agical. He wasn't with the
switched seats to be next
ary, and I thought we'd do
li
for telling the story at
y saying
g at me. "I'm sorry. I'
on
y and blink. "Just ... ev
ods fervently as though
th. "Lotts, do you feel as
slug of wine. "Yes,
hen we were out there,
o space. "I had clarity. B
orroded. Corrupted. Every
s no escape. There's no
Let me work ou
" I nod e
int of my life. Greece.
ory. "Just the two of us
Is it the same for you? Was
fe
d over the last fifteen y
ere, but in general I have
ink all night with no ha
that
ly. "Best
gether, Lottie? Why di
rug. "BathāEdinburgh.
crap reason." He looks
geography" conversation
oing to Bath. It was only a matter of time before it
the s
ere weird, anyway. Everyt
ifferent guest houses, al
actually arrived on the
t passports. I remembe
na with two very smart-look
was
meet once in London?"
had to go to Norman
sharply. "I should have b
is eyes suddenly focus on
s I think, what an idiot I
stupid
ghty somersault and I al
s kind of hoping he might
His blue eyes are bori
last, and take a
had a relationship better
the table with his fist. "
ould have said, Fuck un
at might have happened
the last fifteen years no
think
ath away. I don't quite kn
halibut in
y now. We might have k
ing to himself, popping
I can'
?" I say before I
ed a guy on a first date i
not a first date. If it's an
irst. And, anyway, it's
tent gaze lands on me agai
to the park,
spring to my eyes. "I'm
d into my head yet again.
at fantasy I used to have
lmost savagely, I open my evening bag and reach fo
was not
eem to have noticed. He r
ady finished the bottle, I
we man
t?" His voice tak
w
my body. My lungs are s
d remember the pact. I wasn
y promise we made once.
icu
He's looking at me frankl
ious. No. He ca
hroat tight. "We said if w
irty-t
I feel a fresh jolt. His f
f my shoe. "My flat's ne
in starts tingling all ove
know where w
where I want to head? Wh
tt
e dessert menu?" The wait
up and I take the chance
e
.. th
, my cheeks beating wit
at do I do no
me to rein in. I'm playi
e sense of dĆ©jĆ vu, of th
tt
nships have started like
over my body. Nice underw
s sex. (Or terrible sex, th
k a medic would be a bit
ditched him f
inning is never the p
nviction I've never felt
ng. Break the patt
sing the inside of my wrist, but I gno
s up, his mouth against
his is meant to happen. Y
orous, drunken sexy look
surrender and have a sizzli
I deserve i
ance of more than a grea
What d
help if my head
and." I pull my arm away
n't just want a shag. I wa
t. I want to plan a life t
hole
ently. "Weren't you liste
re burning into mine. "Lot
o
feel a rush of tears aga
topped loving him either.
of low-level, steady love.
g back up into f
oice trembling with sudd
fiftee
nging to my hand. "We wer
o
overwhelming me. Talk a
bout oohs and aahs. We we
found each
lost time." He crushes
His words are like balm.
delicious. For an instan
can't bear this one to go
way. "Don't! Ben, I know
t bear it.
ut?" He stares at me, baf
fin
. Kish your fingersh. But,
has brushed away the cru
my voice lowere
s my fingers. I kiss your fingers. We have sex. It's
s. Maybe we buy a sofa tog
s two years later and we sh
've gone off the boil. W
's hor
sery at our fate. It's so
ered by the scen
ing me warily. "Well ... w
il
lways happens!" I gaze at
e boil with too m
't buy a booksh
unny, but I'm serious. I'v
ize. Dating is not the solut
Dating is
went off the boil with th
ren't the right
you're the
Jesus! What will it tak
"OK! You win. We'll do it the oldfash
. "You don't have
. Will you
take a sl
. Will you
op
he's speaking more loud
ok over
irritably. "I
out of his seat, kneels d
r diners tur
pounding. No
begins, swaying slightly.
you, and now I'm back her
fe has been darkness wit
ll you do me the honor
ng over me. I feel as if I'
He's actually pr
"Not that drunk. Will yo
more!" I give a half laug
now where you live, I don'
h. To be as happy as I w
nd shag your brains out
s been years, but it's still
they always did.
hard, my head ringing. But
oy or an a
as a chance he was still in
e's held a torch for me, a
A noise is playing at the
ybe this is it. MAYBE THI
is
d try to fight a way thro
st think this through caref
Do I fancy him? Hell, yeah
about a poten
pierced?" I ask with su
ally aren'
shirt in a theatrical gest
mm. Brown. Taut. He's a
say 'Yes.'" Ben spreads
do, Lottie, is say 'Yes.'
we think too much. Let's n
h time. We love each o
ach other. And he wants
d anything so beautiful
rying to stay rational, bu
ng me into bed? Is this the
am I a
ink so," I
think
give me
the Ladies'; I have to thi
in mind that the room is s
like it has
make it work? How can I not fall into the same pred
tion
d starts ranging over oth
ings. I've stood in so m
tick, thinking, Is this T
y fizzy. So where did I
t can I not do t
book I was looking at t
Change direction. That so
now the words of that ma
my head. What did she say
ve found their kill, they e
after all. Maybe
y hair. In a flash of insp
solution. I, Lottie Grave
the opposite of what I'
fri
rror. I look a little wi
ated before, I'm euphoric
ame-changing subatomic pa
ht. I'm
taurant, staggering a litt
ta
," I sa
ha
No sex." I sit down.
asted, but I just smile se
ll wait. And there'll be n
est part is, we'll have t
nited and blissed out. E
uld
g open. I picture him nak
ose petals. Just the
is face has complet
be different. I want to
We want to make
ved you." He shakes his he
ted, L
ing to start anoth
wait a bit longer. And
ght. Think about it. We'll
ing." I reach under the t
e of his leg. His face is t
n
f us talks. Let's say w
eren
at last, his voice thi
, I unbutton my top a co
mum view of my uplift br
seems unable to speak. "
ily. "On the beach? W
wearing protective knee
my mind, Ben closes his
e kill
e a sudden memory of us a
ouse, lit only by the fli
nd
are? Do you realize how
my hand and starts nibbl
it away. My entire body see
I want them everywhere. I
ould I hav
ays at last. My toes are s
that he's enjoying it. All
g night
l die of frustra
xplode." He takes my thu
sensation rockets through
r will be telling
chard hears
s nothing to do with Richar
sweeping romantic story
a bit part
his is rushed. But it feel
heart, then this is like som
Richard. I was meant to b
I get a wedding ring and
e wasn't a thousand pounds
'm breathing more and mo
tand
we get marri
desperate. "Real