THE EX

London th

ate jet, despite Neil's protest that his

ime to travel, it says so on all the websites," she'd pleaded. "Pl

wood, but I'm afraid I have to overrule you on this one. We can either come with you, or I can get us on a comm

oom, but he was nothing when up against th

inking ginger ale on the flight to battle nausea, and she swirled the ice in her glass. Her nose was stuffy

stances." Neil tipped his head back and closed

s hand and

us to our house in Belgravia. We hadn't been to London in a long time, over a year for me. N

through the door-I wasn't sure how much Valium he'd taken, but he'd been

, catching Neil as I s

, loud enough to be heard over our struggle to keep Ne

iraculously got him into the bedroom. Michael helped

ps on his side," Mic

red them, though Emma still looked worried. Her gaze

do

eil on the bed and stroked his hair back fr

idn't open, and he slurred from the

with suicidal thoughts. The PTSD that lingered after his agonizing stay in isolation in the intensive care unit

e me some sp

seen her since before his mother passed, so she would have given him the weed candy during

ams," he mumble

didn't answer, I snapped, "Nei

out an exhausted sigh. "I h

till had his general practitioner's emergency number

reatment, but he seemed warm and affable. He also made bank with Nei

ed on the s

is Sophie Scaife, cal

ice-I imagined him as a kind, older gentleman with sympathetic

no." I chewed my thum

that," Dr. Hearn interjec

. And now I'm concerned." Was Neil going

tone was gone from Dr. Hearn's speech

re, but they must have been pretty good, because his speech is slurred, he can barely walk, and he's blacking out." I really hated what

egun showing up in the society pages. He wasn't the most famous billionaire in the world, but he was high profile enough that a trip to the ER while ODi

rams isn't a heavy dose. My only concern over this interaction would be

asn't having to track those fun

be anything wrong, ring me. Try to get some coffee into him, if he can wake up enough t

tayed there a moment longer watching him snore and half smot

. I couldn't roll him, so I slapped his cheek.

what less serious since he sounded like he w

oing to go get you some coffee." I was so pissed. He reached

his was such bullshit. I'd already done the medical panic thing with him more times than I ca

y way down the stairs. Michael was quietly closing the d

he asked with

ould be so awesome if we didn'

, she's completely wipe

r and lowered my voice. "He's kind

marijuana? I didn'

swore. "We have to

be fine. He's just having an interaction between a ton of THC and Valium. But I need to get coffee

grim sort of smile. "Did that fo

lized how weird it sounded for me to say "great" in response to his admis

he world by using a French press and way too littl

this a common occurrence in the face of it, then? I was a

s call. Oh, how I did not want to make this call. But I needed someone who knew Neil, and who

lf, but I hit

*

mediately to the bottom of the stairs in

r him up. Here, let me get your coat." I helped Valerie out o

e and Neil were so alike in their shared worry for their daughter. Despite my perso

ng. She doesn't know any of this is going on. Michael and I are trying to keep i

used, Sophie. Why, exactly,

d ever had to say to another human being. "I ne

ated but followed

, gesturing toward the electric kettle.

are. We don't particularly enjoy each other's company, so be direct with me."

better, in my opinion. "You knew Neil back when h

proverbial deer cau

nt to add, "I'm about to marry

d of my ability to manipulate her right out of Neil's life-not my finest moment as a human being-she had no reason to participate i

ation or dislike of me vanished from her expression. She looked genuinely remorseful. After a pause, she answ

nd booze," I told her, sliding onto a

nst the fridge. "Slee

my spine. "You don

his need for control. This is just a manifestation of that. If he can't will himself to stop feeling, he

responded to his grief at "losing" his daughter by keeping his blood alcohol level up

vibrate, but it was just sudden

ght?" Valerie stepped for

I tried to breathe

g in front of Valerie. And I couldn't stop. I'd never felt so hopelessly stupid and willfully blind in my entire l

making the granite glitter under my fingers. Over the sound of my heartbeat in my

forehead with a cold, wet tea towel an

eakness" in front of her faded in the face of m

t going a

thing at them. If they had said she would put her arms around me in a cradling hug, I would have started something on fire

Valerie went to the sink and rewet the cloth with cool water then c

e age as me, so Valerie was literally old enough to be my mom. There must have

ed to hate each

ding in Valerie's tone, but it wasn't directed at me. She sounded put out at

ight have been easier to imagine a time when Neil hadn't responded to a ba

his mother in London after her stroke. He'd said he took them to cope wi

my elbows on the island. "It's been every single t

he's back to where he wa

t her. "What

und of the water. "Neil has always had a bit of a problem. He wouldn't have told you, because he doesn't adm

ubbering again. "Valerie, did you

told you because I didn't know it was happening again. Ev

me, I've been living with some version of Neil that's, wha

on," Valerie said, her mouth pulled down

d have thought Valerie would be happy that Neil an

as I to do, say 'ta!' and leave?" She turned and fac

ottled water from the fridge. She poured it for me and slid it across the island, continuing, "You have

head and si

he can't fall out of love with you. Still, this was extremely unfair. I know Rose has just died, and I know you wouldn't lo

out. "I'm so stupid. I should have known. I'm suppo

them to see." A wistful note in her tone made me wonder if she was referring to their

now." Not when his mother had just died

, perhaps? Though I do think you have a right to object to this

call our therapist." And shi

ssured me, "This will all come out all right, Sophie. You're a sma

actually make

don't want to be here when Emma wakes

or. "Thank you," I said, quiet so that my voice wouldn't travel

ma from this." She paused, and her next words were pained; they came at a great

he door for a long moment. Once agai

*

onstant wake-up pokes was exactly what Nei

nose. He sat swaying on the edge of the bed, and though his speech was still a bit

three-point-five. Which, I assumed, was fast. It had to do with cars, and I'd heard Neil use the

d? He hadn't just had the "by the way, your fianc

one out of my mind. It only enrages me further, making him seem even more collected in comparison. He tried that

!" My anger was like a jackhammer inside my body, shaking my bones. "Can you imagine how upsetting

tain eye contact. When he spoke, it was in

ng me. "I'm in pain, Sophie

fireplace to the window. "I understand that you're hurting, but that doesn't mean you can be reckless. Y

d. "Who will be there for me, in all of t

, you big

s mouth. I couldn't stay at my level of upset, either. I was too exhausted, and as far a

ed the bed beside him. "

make it seem like all was

slightly, a deep vertical line of c

th a shaky breath, I added, "And I had to know what wa

out this being an easy conversation. He'd already lapsed back into Sophie-is-overreacting mode.

said softly. I took his hand in mine. "I need you to go back to

eeing the counselor he'd consulted in New York. I'd thought he could use more time. He'd wanted

d him of that. We'd been under some increased scrutiny since my book had come out, and s

d my hand to his lips to kiss

know it's going to be hard for you." I searched his expression for

ral, though. At the moment, I'm just...numb." He shrugged. "It w

re on the psychotropi

crossed his face. "I needed to feel

get it." I leaned my head on his shou

s arm around me and sq

I wished I was better at comforting people. "You can't beat yourself up over wha

head. "Thank you for bei

to get some counseling." There. I was being

few unsteady steps. "Oh

is own, albeit staggering like a sailor. He dragged his hands dow

shing you worse than I ever

oor, and Michael asked, "Mr.

htening his shirt and combing hi

door, but he kept his hand on the handl

you, Michael, fo

t took me a second to figure out what was off about

f Neil even re

d in a movie. "I was helping you so that your daughter, my wife, who is carrying the baby we worked incredibly h

idn't give it away, I knew he had to b

ore subdued. "Look, I understand you're hur

t earned me two very terse looks. If Neil could have sent me a mental m

e were the exact words i

e, it's because I love her. And she's been dis

uncomfortably. "And you're ri

treat pregnant women like they're made out of glass. We don't have t

on't," Neil

l. "You don't have to march in there, right now, and wake her up and tell her all this. Neil's going to get treatment, and he can tell Emma, then. He's going to need support, and

sounds pretty sensible, don

bled in reply. "Yes, fine. When we get back to N

a problem," Michael said with a look

lly well from me,

hen Neil took the bait, tall, lanky Michael went in for an inescapable hug. He cl

hroat. "Best you sho

el turned to me.

. "It's fine," like my steak was slightly overcooked or somethin

t. I'm supposed to be at the funeral director's in fo

I paused. "Do you wa

king whether or not I minded going to a particular rest

. I can stick to you like glue, if you want, and then, if you need to, y

e dark circles under his eyes. He held my gaze for a long t

erwhelms me. My chest feels like it'll collapse under the weight of the sweet ache

up, dummy," and smiled at him, and he s

*

he funeral director together to go over the plans their mother had left behind regarding her b

black wool coat. He'd been fidgety since we'd left the house. I wondered if that had to do with the Valium a

impatience, but cold. It was freezing, even

the winter air. "I think so. Best

eir, stood talking near a fireplace. Th

s somewhat subdued. Neil didn't bother to take his c

" Neil asked them bot

d toward a set of double do

hough it were far too much to ask of him. Th

t a fan o

, probably more than one, utterly creeped me out. Bu

est to god coffin, nothing like the refrigerator shaped ones in the states. Neil's mother lay in gentle repose, but she didn't

ok his hand. I laced our fingers together a

epped up closer to the casket and reached out to lay his hand over his mother's folded ones. He pul

se a parent. Granted, I only had the one, but Neil had been through the loss of hi

aw ticked. "After Emma's wedding, I promised Mum th

mes when I leaned on him- most of the time, actually-but every now and again, he needed me. I was g

her call me little bird, just o

own Rose well, but I grieved for her, because Neil loved her. And because she was the woman w

he tried to affect. He reached into his coat for a handkerchief and held the square of red fabric bunched

uld fix, I put my arm through