A Knight on Wheels

ng time for Philip, for it was on that d

figure in the philanthropic world,-that part of it which works without limelight and spends every penny it receives upon relieving distress, and knows nothing of Charity Balls and Grand Bazaars, with their incidental expenses and middlemen's profits,-and it was said that no deserving case was ever brought to his notice in vain. He would s

ered, as they walked away with a light heart and a heavy pocket, what Uncle Joseph was worth; for it was said by those who were supposed to know that his benefactions

no business with the female sex. If help was req

, tersely informing such that if they made search in the envelope they would find a cheque enclosed, "in aid of the most excelle

ab, from an excursion into regions unknown, with quite a budget of letters. They were all from ladies, and were replies to Philip's letters of Monday. Most of them contained cheques, chaperoned by lengthy screeds;

m himself, ticking off the cheques and postal orders and dictating the names

d take down the sentences almost as quickly as Uncle Joseph could dictate them. His typing, too, was almost first-

behind them and held high revel. Sometimes they went up the River; sometimes they went to Lords; a

would discourse upon Woman, and wonder, with

e express purpose of controlling and developing this marvellous world of ours-and then deliberately stultify his own work and handicap his own beautifully designed and perfectly balanced engines by linking them up with o

a woman for ten years, except once or twice acro

f bar-magnets or soft iron bolts? What compass could be expected to point to the Magnetic North for one moment in such a field of force? It would not even be a constant field of force; for the magnets would come and go, or at least wax and wane in attractive power, altering the resultant inte

wise as possible, but once more would find

ph would n

do is to bow to God's will, accept the situation, and adopt the best means at our disp

ways quite re

reply gravely, "at all t

, or high-tension magnetos-subjects affording e

use, stood the typewriter. Uncle Joseph sprawled for the moment in an easy-chair, industriously perusing a copy of the current issue of the "Searchlight," a weekly organ whose editor possessed an almost indecent acquaintance with the priv

ing a cowhide bag. This he opened, and poured its contents up

eek, James Nimmo," c

ould I get speaking with you, Colonel?" he added. He

ph looked

wrong?"

est Oyster, shook his heavy head. Uncle Jos

?" he

James Nimmo said "Commaircial Rod," but i

ld up the "Searchlight." "These people sa

ommercial Road. Noting this illuminating fact, and failing to find any reference to the establishment in the Post-Office Directory, I last week despatched a representative to the Commercial Road, to seek out and interrogate the Anti-Popish Buck. As I expected, 374a Commercial Road proved to be a small greengrocer's shop-an "accommodation address" of the most ordinary type-whose proprietor admitted that he was in the habit of taking in letters on behalf of some of his

ames Nimmo admiringly. He was referring app

on for his aged mother before leaving this country for good, in order to devote his life to spiritual work in a leper colony-a colony situated in an island so distant that

h laid down

u think of that

etting another address

know! We will turn him into a retired University Don with paralysis in both legs, who has to do typewriting for a living. He shall send an ap

manuscript?" enquired

e paralysis has spread to the Don's arms as well, and he supposes there is nothing for it now but the workhouse. That ought to bring in a doub

the table. The conversation did not interest him-he was accustomed to i

o Master T. Smith, care of the Reverend Vitruvius Smith, 172 Laburnum Road, Balham. The other two were directed to The Honorary Secretary of the International Brotherh

accompanied by lengthy epistles which blended heavy-handed patronage and t

ou something in response to your little letter,

mmented Uncle Joseph, ref

ight, when she thought you were all fast asleep. Perhaps it was wrong of you to write to me for help without consulting your parents; but, as you point out, it would, indeed, be a splendid surprise if you cou

u," amended Uncle Joseph, look

should have had a bright new five-shilling piece. [This woman ought to be put into a Home.] So I enclose what is called a posta

I think it is quite good for a boy of

incere

e R

er how you

cle Joseph. "None of the silly creatures

e Joseph had pushed over to him, remarking that it was a good

l read right through, but the name and address of the sender were always e

disappointment caused by the last letter in the heap, which bore a

ution of your own towards your household expenses, though creditable to your feelings, would meet with your dear father's deepest disapproval. I will do better than that. I have some little influence with the kind Bishop of your diocese, and if you will send me your father's full name and the name of his church and

Uncle Joseph, in tone

me the details I ask for, I feel sure that the dear Bish

ectionat

Bric

h a little boy as you

she persists in this preposterous nonsense we shall have t

us) individual named Dimitri Papodoodlekos,-or something to that effect,-an Armenian gentleman of enlightened views and stiff moral fibre, who, having been converted late in life to the principles of Wesleyan Methodism, had persisted, in the very heart of the Ottoman Empire and in the face of all Islam, in maintaining and practising the tenets of his n

tly completed a term of fifteen years' penal servitude, was now anxious to atone for past misdeeds by plunging into a life of intense respectability. Samuel, it seemed, had decided to follow the calling of a waiter at suburban dinner-parties; and, being

sh to equip Samuel with an entire Bond Stre

isely, draws a blank sometimes. Presently Uncle Jo

writing," h

glance at the face of the cheque caused him to raise his eyeb

of humour," he said. "What a

s handed me your very interesting communication. I learn from it that the International Brotherhood of Kind Young Hearts is

appears to have evaded the Immigration Laws of this

siness as a suburban burglar, evidently desires to study the architectur

ient to send one thousand s

have established greater confidence in the minds of your clients if you had mentioned the name of the slum, the name of the watering-place to which you propose to send the children, and the nature of your

als than by the others. For instance, I fear I cannot support your view of the desirability of providing a one-armed protégé of yours, Albert Edward Skewby, with a hurdy-gurdy. In my opinion there are only two musicians in history-Bach and Tchaikowsky-and neither of these sounds to advantage on a hurdy-gurdy. Besides, Albe

o enable him to qualify for readmission at an early date. I nearly succumbed, again, to your appeal on behalf of the lady who has recently been rendered a widow by reason of the hasty and ill-considered action of a band of African cannibals. On second thoughts, however, remembering that the pangs of the good lady ov

tain upon his character, but wounded pride forbade him to reènter the service of his aristocratic traducer. Too old to start life afresh, too self-respecting to beg, he has thrown himself, you say, upon the compassion of the International Brotherhood of the Kind Young Hearts. I cannot resist this appeal. I set my mark against the name of Lemuel Bloote, and beg you to be

ls, do not allow your sense of humour to run away with you altogether. I ad

fait

Mable

cted signature of the head of the house of Rothschild. It was drawn to

that fellow," said Uncl

d I," sai

cle lo

our beginning to sprout, Philip? You ar

fteen," sa

e and modern science. I have directed you to the best of my ability in the right way of life. At any rate, I have kept you away from wrong influences. You are healthy in body and prompt in mind, and you are thoroughly inoculated against the female virus. Now your se

cle Joseph," said Philip.

cular. Uncle Joseph's reference to the female virus had brough