Mrs./Ms.Kanaze : Failed Dream = College & Arrange Marriage

I don't know what happened, I said in my mind as I stare apathetically to both of my hands, full of dirt which came on the ground I'm running into earlier.

Why am I running? Why?

Why did I ran? Why?

I don't know, I don't know what happened. This was all the words that kept going and going before and when I got outside of my house. I got permission from my parents to go outside for fun yet it was a lie. Where was the lie? Well, the word 'fun' was the lie. I was not going to have fun, I don't need to, I don't know what the word "fun" means, especially what it feels like.

I walked like how a normal person would walk in the streets but, as I arrived to the town, my body ran all by itself without no hesitation. I kept running and running tears slowly falling down on my face. The loop of I don't knows was added with What am I crying for? Why am I crying for? What? Why? Is this all I could say? What and why?

I don't know, I don't know, I clearly don't know! Clearly? But I didn't know? What the heck is this Kanaze? I don't understand me at all!

This was expected to happen ever since from the start I decided to put this as a dream in my life. I know this would happen, even if I the probability is low and the risks are high. Why? Again. Why the unfairness is superior and justice is inferior? There must be something wrong to the creation of this world and life, mainly on the rules and more importantly, on the systems used.

Its been two years since I started to go for an online audition. It all goes into my story when my friend invited me to join an online audition to one of the big companies in country SK. I was about to go to country SK to audition live that year but the pandemic came and it still here but, it wasn't hard to get outside unlike the last two years. I didn't pass the first round but, it didn't stop me from fighting until this year. I've been into so many auditions but... I didn't passed, not even the first round. You see... I got the looks, vocal, rap and dance, even the producing and experience that they need and I also been trained by professional people in the music industry. I worked smart and hard, I did everything I can do yet... why? Am I... not born to do this?

My parents didn't allow me to go to any forms of entertainer audition except school, what they want is for me to go abroad after college. Before I go to college, I will celebrate my 18th birthday then be married with my fiancee the next month after which is... ridiculous. I don't wanna marry anyone, what I want is my dream and fans. For family, I'll just adopt, blood doesn't matter, moral does.

When my legs started to get tired of running, I fell on the ground without a reaction of pain. I ended up falling on the ground of the park where no one was there, I just stared on the ground that I fell upon on and repetition of I don't knows and whys got looped faster and louder in my head. My eyes were dead, there were no signs of light, hope, or life. If I'm going to generalize it, every part of my body is dead including my soul. It was fully alive yet dead inside and outside. The only thing that makes me alive was my heartbeat, my soul inside this body and this living clothes I'm wearing: gray crop top tee with a black flannel jacket, black denim skirt, two-inches high black velvet boots, gold star earrings, bracelet and necklace. It such a shame that these are all expensive but, I'm making it look trash because of my misery. Thus, it was all a gift from my fiancee and his parents, I bet they won't be giving these clothes and jewelry anymore if they saw me like this. I'm such a sensitive daughter with a failed dream carrying on her back that she doesn't wanna let go off even if she already failed, what a loser.

"I don't know what happened" I whispered. Not knowing what to do next, I just stood up and looked around. The gray sky is on the top of my head while its clouds are wandering and asking to themselves what will I do next. If they can speak, I'll say I don't know because I clearly don't know. I don't even know why I'm here or what and why am I doing this right now. You might said to yourself, of course you know! What are you talking about? Let me tell you, you don't know what you're saying. I looked up to the sky for a second then raise my right hand up to the air, I don't feel anything, not even the air that surrounding me.

Standing on this empty park, only the trees, road, vehicles, buildings, light stalls, and other public objects that you can see in a park can witness what stupid thing I am doing right now, unless people are starin' at their windows inside the buildings or vehicles or they're just hiding somewhere else outside here.

I put my hand down and decided to walk a little more even if my legs are numb and tired of running. After the walk like nothing happened, I go to the convenience store to get something to eat and buy wipes so I can clean my messy clothes. Entering the convenience store, the coldness of the air conditioner welcomed me with the silence, I get the stuffs I'm going to buy then go straight to counter. On the opposite side of the door entrance, there was a man on the cashier scrolling to his phone while with his white earpods on. He was tall and slim, his hair was covered by his uniform hat. He doesn't have a beard and his skin is pale snow as mine. The man asked if I have a bonus card so I give it to him and he scanned and return it after. Observing the store, I noticed that there was no customers around except me. "Here" the man gave my exchange and I sat to a nearby chair. I removed the dirt using the wipes I bought and eat my ordered food. I noticed that the man on the cashier was simply looking at me while scrolling on his phone, I don't know why but he isn't giving me the dangerous vibes, it was more of a familiar one which is weird because I don't know him. Maybe I saw or met him somewhere that's why, my intuition and instincts never lies no matter how complicated the situation I'm in. His phone rang and he answered immediately, there came a familiar voice on his phone. Since its quiet I could hear them talking, I listened to the whole conversation he was a radio on. I'm going to be honest as a deadly alive person, he was attractive, even his voice but, the person on the other line is really someone... I know. My phone rang, it was my mother calling.