His To Claim

I will always be with you. Those were her last words to me, to us. And it still doesn't fill the void her absence left. Nothing ever hit deep like the way she just left. We knew the end was near, damn she knew and it hurt still. Truthfully, I don't want to be here, be here at the end. I have always felt this was the last straw for me to draw out my emotions to this grief. Everybody kept giving us words of assurance that all will be well. Some go as far as saying, I know how you feel.

Do you? That's the only question, to counter back at their comments in my mind, even if I know it was all just harmless. I remember so many trips to the hospital, the late classes and late nights just to make sure she stays alive, for her, for us. Chemo was the worst, yet she fought. We thought she was better, at least going to be better. I mean, we always thought she would be better, that was just optimistic self-talk. Did God have other plans? Yes obviously, considering where we are right now. I felt her slipping for the first time when the Doctor told us that was the last resort. I saw myself walking on eggshell, but it was how she spent her last days or should I say last months. She was at peace and more concentrated on making meaningful moments, yet time kept running out of her reach. Until she couldn't hold on any longer. Knowing Judy, the guilt swept the smiles off her face now. The strength she showed these past few days was scary that I was constantly checking in. We waited long after she was laid to kiss earth goodbye, the sky threatened to rain as the clouds were already closing in, but we didn't care. "You know, days ago, during her wake, I couldn't bring myself to look at her." Judy said, as we sat before Mom's tombstone staring into the blanks. I sighed not because of the sadness but because I was speechless and it was making the air unbearable for me. "Because I was consumed by guilt Cami. I knew she would be at peace but I kept imagining her disappointment. I imagined her shaking her head in shame." she palmed her face as she sniffed into her arms. I tried to console her but I guess I suck at trying to ease pain. I couldn't ease Mom's pain, who am I kidding that I could ease hers, her guilt and all of the sadness, when I'm feeling it too. "It's okay Judy." I tried to say. "No it's not Cami. You've always been there and I wasn't. I guess I couldn't show up from nowhere pretending to care when I didn't try to be there from the start. I saw how you took care of her. You gave up half of your life to be there, and..." "And nothing." I interrupted. "Actually she understood why you were away. There's no need to beat yourself up, you were there at her last moments and that should count for something, right?" I gave her a wistful smile as I stared at those big blue eyes that glistened with tears. Enough tears that counted as flood, she kept sobbing. Mom has been battling cancer for nearly a year now. When we first got the news I remember the serenity she inhibited all of a sudden. It wasn't what I expected, it was then I realised she had always known, she hid it from us until it was time for chemo. But Judy and I didn't take it lightly, but it was futile trying to be mad over the inevitable that came in the worst way possible, through cancer. I wonder what she felt when she constantly thought of herself dying. She hated that I was always around, to witness her that way and pressured me to get a life, like my twin Judy. Judy on the other hand, couldn't be around as she chased the life she wanted for herself, so jogging between availability, work and school wasn't the best idea for her, especially for her kind of person that needed the utmost concentration and interest. She couldn't afford to be distracted, that I felt left out. I wish she was around and I got so annoyed each time she called. Although, she didn't just abandon us, she checked in every time and Mom was content, found it sweet even though she cared but she couldn't feel that care in the warmth her daughter could give. At first, deep down, I wanted her to feel the pain, the guilt but it was selfish. Since that's all I could give in to now. Sometimes I wonder, what's the use of all this pain, when we can't even share it with the one person we are feeling it for. Death they say is true to its cause, the truth was staring in front of us but we didn't want to accept it. Not just me, Judy as well. I understood it all, all her grave emotions that it made her feel empty, us empty How could we have love, only for it to be snatched away from us. Nothing can be more petrifying than that. I'm glad all of Judy's hard work did pay off, now she has graduated, she was trying to contemplate the next step. She said something about a plan but that wasn't what I was interested in, not now. Judy leaned her head gently on my shoulder, as she sniffed once every few minutes. The clouds were slowly becoming darker yet we stayed watching. "Although I wonder, would we be okay? Now that we are officially orphans." I said with a sadistic tone. "You know Mom has always had things figured out, that we didn't have to struggle much. She did all the struggling that I fear for us, you know, surviving on our own." she sighed, giving it a thought for a moment. "We will." She sounded confident that I wondered what her plan entailed, that no sign of worry flew out of her tongue or made her eyes weary as it used to. "How can you be so sure?" " That's because I know we will get through this. It may not be a phase, but we will learn to cope with it." she squeezed me into a tight hug as she kissed my cheeks. *** It didn't just rain after we left the graveyard, it poured just as we got home. It took time before Judy walked her way inside the house, so it hurt me to see her that way. She explained that her heart sank each time she saw the house, each time she stepped inside. It showed I have to be strong because I could relate, it had nothing to do with the pain, it's just not being able to contain too much grief that it hurt bad for her, mine wasn't so good. I was not exactly prepared but I expected the worst but not this way. We tried to eat cereal, but I couldn't pass mine down my throat that it burned. I looked up to Judy, but she was playing with her food and she was able to chew nothing. Phillip was in town already and he stopped by for the funerals but had to see a friend and he was back at the house. Judy bumped into him and cried and all he could do was console her. He asked about my well-being and I gave him the usual reply. Condolences were still at the tip of his tongue, just as when he first arrived from Seattle to see Judy. I saw the love between these two and yes, it dawned on me that it existed. There was so much affection in his eyes that it hurt for him to see Judy hurting too. I knew when she told Mom about him and I didn't know he was just as carefree as her, just as she said. Too bad Mom never got to meet him, just maybe she would have loved him. "I want to talk to you Cami?" I was already up in my room when she called me out of my trance. I didn't know when she came through the door that was slightly ajar. There was no need to lock myself indoors, since it was just the two of us now. Ever since I had to take care of Mom, I always left it open just in case she needed to come in as she pleased, which she did. Her disease brought a lot of loneliness and she couldn't have it. "Alright." I nodded as I gestured for her to spill. She sat close to me on my single bed and I sat up. Suddenly, worry filled her eyes. I could only wonder what it was that she wanted to say that made her face fold. "So I got a job as an editor for a fashion magazine." "That's awesome Judy." I smiled and was really happy for her. I knew she had always wanted this. " Thank you." she said. For some reason this news didn't seem to thrill her. "What's wrong? Is this not what you wanted?" "It is, but it's in Seattle."My heart pulled, she's leaving again. So you are leaving again." It was more of a statement than a question. She shook her head, coming closer to me as fast as she could. "Not this time. You see, Phillip has offered for me to come stay with him over in Seattle, but I want you to come with me." she gently put her hands on mine as she explained. Say what? "I have never left here before. So it's a bit of a difficult choice to leave everything." "I know Cami, but think of the opportunities that await you there. I can't leave you here so that's why I want you to come with me. You can finally put those degrees to good use." she persuaded me. She had a valid point. In as much as I needed a break from all this it would take a bit of adjustment in a new city. "It's a good idea." One that I really didn't need to think about much. "Okay." I decided. A genuine smile stretched across her face and she squeezed me and I let out a breathy laughter. "You are going to love it there, I promise". I nodded and laughed at her enthusiasm which lifted the scruff of burden off me a bit. I needed to start doing something for myself and if that was gonna happen in Seattle, then I was ready to go.