Love Me Still

It doesn’t get easier day by day. What’s easy today can be harder tomorrow.

Just like waking up from sleep when you’ve been tired from a long day before that.

And day by day, I go to school wondering when everything will stop.

“Daughter of a hoe!”

“Why are you even here? You should be in a club. Cheering for yo momma!”

“What do you eat at home? Dirty food from dirty money?”

I’m tired of swallowing it all.

“And you? Whose daughter are you? Gambler’s?” I said. Everyone cheered from the back. My peripheral vision caught some stopped walking to watch us.

I don't want to do this. My mother never taught me to fight. But this has to stop because I'm tired of defending myself from brats like them who don't acknowledge that sex work is a WORK.

I went near one of the brats. “What do you eat? I’m sure not from your mom. She left, remember?”

I was about to go near the last brat but their leader, the girl in the middle, threw a tray aiming in my direction and it went right into my stomach.

The pain made me crouch. I groaned in pain. She seemed stunned from what she did but managed to pull herself together and gave me a look that's challenging me to fight back.

The pain I'm feeling is attracting my attention more than her who seems to be challenging me for a duel.

I looked around to see if there's someone sent from heaven that is going to help me at once. I see hesitance in their eyes but I guess ignoring me in pain is easier than helping so they went on with their lives as if nothing happened.

Are they even human? So what if I am my mother's daughter? It's just her work! And it fed us for so many years. I will never be ashamed of that.

I've lost faith in them. I shouldn't have believed that someone's going to help me.

I tried to reach for something to help me stand up but I couldn't so I crouched there and waited till the pain was bearable.

People around me are eating and chit chatting while I am still here on the floor. I gathered all the strength left on me to stand up.

For the nth time, I walked home using my wrecked shoes, a ruined bag with wet notebooks inside not forgetting the pain and the people who caused me that.

I have a field planted with anger for everyone who hurt me, especially those who ruin things my mom works hard for.

"Money really cannot buy it all." I said to myself.

Studying at a private school filled with uneducated people is not worth the pain.

—---

“Mom, I don’t want to go to school anymore”

Despite the fear and hesitation, I said what I’ve said. Fear of how she would react and hesitation if this is the right choice to make instead of enduring the bullies.

“They didn’t stop, did they?” She stopped putting her red lipstick on and faced me with no expression at all.

She was stunned for a second as soon as she laid her eyes in my white uniform that’s now brown because of the stains I got from the bad kids at school.

I guess 6th graders aren't mature enough to react this way just because my mother is a lady of the evening. It’s not like we chose to live like this but if God forbids and gives me a chance to choose another mother, I will still choose her.

My mother isn't her work.

“Oh dear.” she spread her arms welcoming me for a hug but I took a step back. refusing to feel her warmth. Not only because my stains could ruin her dress but for a reason that her embrace makes me too comfortable and makes me more weak that I might cry.

She let out a deep sigh. “Don’t worry. I will try to go bigtime tonight. After that, I will try to find another job… or maybe get you to another school! What do you think?” she held my hands.

I bowed my head trying to avoid her gaze but she caught my eyes making it tear up. She swiped it away using her fingers and I felt her lips in my head leaving a kiss mark from her lipstick.

“Oopsies, Momma’s gonna be late. You can cook for yourself right? Wish me luck!” she said while giving final touches on her look in the mirror.

She did not even wait for my response and she rushed to the door. “Love you, Mom!” I said even if I am not sure if she heard due to our distance.

She is the strongest woman I know but she gave birth to a coward. I’ve met her friend’s child too but unlike me, they have strong personalities.

Maybe, I’m good at something that isn’t harsh or brutal. I looked around our house. Cleaning, perhaps?

Right! I keep our house clean so that mom gets home with a clean house. She gets to relax while not thinking if there are still dishes on the sink.

I reached for my bag to do my assignment. My notebooks are wet, which made the ink I used to write on it cluttered on the pages, making those words not visible for me to read.

Well I guess I have another reason not to study, eh? I giggled. I’m not good at school. If i were to choose, I would just help Mom work so that she could go home earlier and eat on time. But she repeatedly told me that she works to afford the life that I deserve.

So even if I don’t like school, I still go. Just like how she felt about her work.

I made sure I locked the gates before I went to bed. Not that there’s something to steal in our house but because Mom told me so.

I pat my pillow and noticed the box underneath.

“Surprise! -Mom” the handwritten note states above the new pair of black shoes.

I don’t like school but I love my mother. I let myself sleep soundly in the middle of the night.

-----

"Belle, wake up! Get up! We need to hurry." I got up even half asleep as I heard her voice that seemed to be in a hurry.

"What's happening Mom?" I asked because she's packing our things in a bag.

I watched her carefully this time. She's catching her breath as if she is being chased by a horse.

"WE WOULDN'T CATCH A BUS IF YOU'RE THIS SLOW!" She said angrily that made my heart jump.

She closed her eyes firmly as if trying to control herself.

Now, I can fully look at her. Her lipstick is cluttered on her lips, eyeliners are beyond the line, dress seems shorter than I saw before she left the house, sweating hard, hands trembling.

"Are we okay?" I innocently asked.

"We will if we leave this house as soon as possible. Okay? Just please cooperate my dear."

I nodded my head and reached for my school bag. "What should I bring?" My question brought relief to her eyes and she started reaching for things too.

"Everything valuable to you is fine." She said

I removed everything in my spacious school bag and put only a few of my clothes in it. I wore the black shoes she gave me even if they didn't fit my pajamas.

"Done." She looked at me and spaced out for a while. She looked at the things she packed versus what I packed.

Things that are valuable for her… she almost packed the whole house in bags.

The ghost of a smile peeked in her lips. She grabbed a jacket and made me wear it. I obliged. She reached for her tote bag and gave me her hand.

"What about the bags Momma?" I asked. And reached for her hand.

"Only the valuables my Belle, only the valuables."