Hot Night Calls & More

If you'd told me I'd have phone sex with the woman of my dreams on the day I met her, I'd have thought you were nuts.

If you'd told me I'd fall in love with her before even meeting her, I'd have simply laughed at you.

If you'd told me I'd have sex with more than 20 women in the three weeks between talking to her for the first time and actually meeting her - all with her blessing - well, then I might have been speechless.

Then I would have laughed at you and called you nuts.

I guess that's why we're not usually informed of the unbelievable things that are going to happen to us before they actually occur. They're just that - unbelievable - before they happen.

Oddly enough, this whole thing happened because of perhaps the most innocent thing you could ever imagine.

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It was a simple phone call to my mother.

I did this every now and again - call my mom at work in the middle of the day. No Oedipus complex or anything; I'm just very much a momma's boy, and since the Marine Corps had stopped dipping its bucket into my well three days ago, I didn't have a lot to do. I figured giving my mom a call would be as good a way as any to kill five minutes.

After all, I was sure she would welcome any break from ensuring that the specialized taco flippers of the world were properly compensated for their single-digit IQ efforts.

Only, my mom didn't answer the phone at the Taco Bell office building, and neither did Betsy, the middle-aged woman who worked down the hall from her. Instead, someone new answered.

"Taco Bell offices, this is Kelly, how can I help you?"

The voice instantly stunned me. I opened my mouth, closed it, opened it again, croaked out something that didn't even remotely resemble English, and then coughed.

"Hello?" the voice said again.

This time I cleared my throat, so as not to sound like a moron again.

"Hi. Sorry, didn't expect anyone to answer the phone that fast, and my mouth was full." It was a blatant lie, and she probably knew it. This wouldn't be my last conversation with her, but it would be the last lie I told her.

Well, almost.

"It's okay. What can I do for you?"

The voice struck me again, but this time I was prepared for it. I didn't think she was trying to sound sultry, but it was working either way. She could have been an operator on one of those sex lines - yeah, I know, most of those are men using voice changers, but still - because her voice sounded that good. No hint of an accent, so I guessed she was a native.

"It's Kelly, right?" I said, hoping to get myself back on solid ground.

"Yeah. Who is this?"

"Hi, Kelly. I'm Brad Carver."

"Related to Linda somehow, I'm guessing?

"That I am. Is she around?"

I was a bit surprised someone besides my mom or Betsy answered the phone.

"Actually, she's in a meeting right now. I can take a message for her, though."

"Are you a new person they just hired over there?"

"No, actually I'm an assistant manager at one of the stores. I was just in the office to pick up some things, but the whole staff - Linda, Betsy, Ron, everyone - they all went into a meeting. I'm off today so they asked me to watch the phone."

"Ah. Lucky you," I replied. "Well, I'm Linda's son. Was really just calling to say hi for a few minutes. I'm kind of like you - I'm off today and I'm bored."

"Well, I was going to take a message for her, but you can keep talking to me until they're done. It shouldn't be too long now."

Nice. A come-on, maybe?

"Sounds like a plan."

"So, Brad, you know what I do. What do you do to be off today?"

"I'm - actually, you're sitting at my mom's desk, right?"

"Yeah."

Even just one word, a simple "Yeah," was stirring something within me. This woman sounded smoking hot - yes, I know, that meant she was probably hovering around the 400-pound mark and would probably stop a rhino dead in his tracks with a glance, especially if she worked at Taco Bell. Still, there was a chance she looked as good as she sounded, and if she looked even half that good, she'd be gorgeous. So I figured I would see what I could do. After all, I'd be home in a few weeks, and I had nothing immediately lined up as far as.. physical arrangements went.

"Turn around and look on top of the large bookcase behind the desk."

I knew my mom kept a picture of me back there. And not just any picture - the picture from boot camp, when I was wearing Marine Corps Dress Blues. I had yet to meet a woman who saw that picture and didn't start drooling.

"Wow."

"What?"

"Is that you?"

"Yeah, that's me in the uniform."

"That's all I can really say. Wow."

I was in, at least from a physical standpoint. Good to know.

"I've gotten a bit bigger since then, in all the right areas, and I've grown a mustache and a goatee as well."

"I thought you couldn't have those in the Marine Corps."

"Mustaches yes, goatees no. But I've been on terminal leave for four days now, and I've decided I'm not shaving around my mouth ever again. I swear, I could get shot in the heart and not lose as much blood as I have from razor cuts over the last four years."

That got a laugh out of her, and I couldn't help but notice how sexy she sounded when she was laughing. Once again, I know - voice and face seldom match.

"What's this terminal leave you said you were on?"

"We get 30 days of paid vacation a year. My contract is up in early July, and before I get out, I have to either take all my unused leave, or they pay me for it. But with all the extra allowances I get for being in my chosen job field, it's better financially to just take the leave. So I've been pretty much out for four days now."

"Are you coming back?" Was that a hint of hope I heard?

"Yes, I'll be back in a few weeks. I leave here Thursday morning."

"It takes you that long to drive from.. where are you anyway?"

"San Antonio, Texas. And no, it doesn't. I'm making quite a few stops along the way."

"Like where?" I'd gotten in a few of my destinations before I heard some noise in the background, and I could clearly hear my mom's voice and also Ron, the operational director of the offices.

"Sounds like they're done," I said when I finished telling her about Sumter, South Carolina, and how I was going to visit family there.

"Yeah, they just let out. Let me get your mom," she said, and I tried to get her attention, but the phone dropped before I could get a word out. A few seconds later my mom picked up.

"Hi, Brad."

"Hey, mom. Sounds like a busy afternoon."

We chatted for a few moments, but I kept tabs on the background voices. I heard Kelly and Ron talking, and then I heard Kelly telling my mom to tell me to have a safe trip. I wasn't quite done with her, though.

"Mom, can you get Kelly back on the phone for a second?"

"Why?"

"Well, I was telling her about my trip, and I told her I was going to Pittsburgh. She said she'd been there, and I was going to ask her about some spots to hang out when you guys came out of the meeting."

I tried not to lie to my mother, either, but it seemed like a better idea than the truth right then - "Mom, I'm trying to fuck one of your store managers when I get home, but she gave you the phone before I could close the deal." In this case, what she didn't know would definitely not hurt her.