Lean On My Shoulder

I stood there while looking at them hand in hand walking at the crowd.

"How I envy her....." I said to myself as I turn my gaze to my co-model.

"You coming?" She asked me. Vanessa, my friend and also my co-model.

I just nod to her in answer. I turned my back to the man I'm in a relationship with, just to see him kissing another woman.

I wonder if he knew I'll be on the same set as his. But thankfully he did not see me watching him being too romantic with another woman.

He's Shan Miguel Torez my boyfriend, a famous model and actor. Those years we're in a relationship...those days I'm clinging on his arms we're being together secretly and it's fucking hard.

I walked away from the scene as soon as I pull myself together. I wiped my tears using my bare hand.

Too much..... Too much pain and suffocation. I wanted to call my cousin and rant to her about how hurt I felt but I can't... She told me to end up thing with Shan but I can't do it.... A pathetic girl who wants attention and love from a man she can't be with... Yeah, that's me.

I was still clinging to those promises and memories we'd made together... But that's it. The word clinging... I was only clinging to those memories and promises he said and made with me.

The hell... I can't even announce that his mine. I can't kiss him in public... I can't kiss him whenever I want to. It sucks... Being in a relationship with someone who you can't proudly say that you're in love with.

I was taking my time reminiscing my memories and heartbreaks when a hand holding a handkerchief was offered in Infront of me. I can say it's a man based on the hands.

"Crying makes no sense if the person you're crying for doesn't know your pain." He said blankly... I didn't even bother to look at him when he forced to hand me over his handkerchief.

What he said makes sense. I decided to look back to find the man who said those meaningful phrases.

"Wait!" I shouted as I look back to face his back and about to walk away.

"Who the heck are you to just budge in here?" I was amused by what he said but questioned his presence.

I heard noises from him but not loud enough to hear and understand a word he was saying.

"Not famous enough for you to notice," he said bluntly. I stood there and look at him walking away.

I look at the handkerchief and it has an initial of GDM embroidered on the side.

"What a man," I said to myself and decided to think of the decision I'll make when my assistant suddenly came in front of me. She looks at me with a blank expression. She handed me the phone.

"Manager" she informed me while handing me the phone, I look at him with a big question mark on my expression.

"Yes, Jing?" I asked my manager, she's jing the daughter of my mother's former manager.

"you have a new project," she said directly without even greeting me. straight forward as always...

"When?" I asked. as direct as she informed me of my new project. I was about to ask her to clear my schedule this week since I want a free day where I'll be able to give myself a free stress day and some me time. but to think about it.. making myself busy seems to be the only escape I'll be able to give to myself.

"This week. the client already insist we meet this afternoon but I informed them that you have a hectic schedule the whole week and are only available by the end of the week," she said.

"I'll take it" I announced as I claimed the project.

"you sure? you haven't heard the info and what's the project all about and yet you're agreeing that quickly?" she asked. it's not typical for me to agree without discussing the work with my boss. I guess I'm desperate to get myself busy after all the stress I've experienced the last few months or should I say years...

"Yeah... and if you can fill my schedule this week, do it. I need as many projects as I can" I said as I end the call after I said my favor.

after that, the crew already call me for the shoot.

"Crying makes no sense if the person you're crying for doesn't know your pain" How ironic it is, but this past few years while I'm in a relationship with Shan I just realize now that I'm making myself look pathetic pleading for attention and time from him when he should provide those because that's the bare minimum. to those month series.... anniversaries.... birthdays, he can't celebrate with me because he's too busy with work, that's his reason when he can't join me on a special occasion... now it makes sense. I'm only teaching him to be my man when I can have better than that... better than what is he showing and ming me feel... I'm only making a fool out of myself the moment I chose to be blinded by my love for him.

love.... does he love me after all those days I asked for his presence... when I needed him. when he chose to cheat on me instead of making our relationship work... I'm the only one who's making us work... he didn't even do an effort to fix us during those arguments we've been through I was always the one making sure that we'll stay, that hoping we'll last... I may be the one breaking us apart but he is the one who causes us to break us apart.

I took my phone out of my pocket and without hesitation, I typed my last message for him.

let's breakup

sent.

"let's break up," I said as I tried not to let the tears fall from my eyes.

I'm trying so hard not to let out a sob but all the anger, Upset, sadness that I've experienced was filled till today. I'm in front of the man I've wished to marry... To live my life with till I die. But here I am making the hard decision I wished I'd done before. Because right now... It hurts ten times more than I expected it to be.

"W-Why?" He asked confused about what I said... Seeing him questioning my decision makes me think that he never noticed how much pain he caused me.

"Those nights I've wished you treated me right... Those days I wished you were there... The way you acted as if I'm just some women who aren't important to you... You haven't noticed any of that? How you treated me doesn't matter to you. If that's not a specific enough reason why I'm breaking up with you... Maybe I should stop making you understand any of my reason, or how I felt." I answered as tears continue flowing down my cheeks. I can't stop myself from crying all the pain out... All those months we've been together... It hurts.

"Am I that bad boyfriend to you?" He asked me in disbelief.

I let out a deep breath before I answered his question.

"Yes. so please let me go," I asked him and he sighed in disbelief.

he reached for my hand and I was fast enough to step back from him not to touch me.

"I love you," he said. how long I've waited to hear those words from him. how I dreamed of feeling his love.

"I wished to hear and feel that from you before....too late," I said in finality. that's my goodbye to him after years of being with him. finally, I had the strength to walk away from him and choose myself this time.

I wiped the tears that started again to fall on my cheeks.

"CUT!!!" the director said. finally, I'm done with my last taping for today. I'm too damn tired these past few days because of my schedule. I want to divert all of my attention and being busy is my method for that.

"Are you okay?" Candace asked. She was so worried earlier when I said I might faint at any moment. I haven't had enough sleep and rest these past few days that's why. And her being so caring cousin ended up here with me at the taping even though she has a business meeting to attend.

"Not really" I answered honestly. Because I'm feeling dizzy and about to throw up any moment from now. I have no appetite to eat even a bite of my food. Maybe I am sick.

"This is your last shoot, right?" She asked and I just nod, I don't even know if I have enough energy to drive. I didn't even bother to ask my manager to hire a driver because I can do it, but right now I'm starting to think if I should get one.

"I've already asked. And we're free to go miss" my secretary informed us as soon as she stopped in front of us.

"Thanks, Chay," I said. I stood up and regret it the moment I stood on my feet everything went black...

Candace Priscilla's Pov

"Doc, how's my cousin?" I asked the doctor as soon as I saw him.

"As of now all I can say is she needs rest, after her miscarriage" I was dumbfounded after hearing those words. Miscarriage? She had a miscarriage?!

"Uhm... Doc, you mean she lost her baby?" I clarified, I almost shout those questions but I pull myself out.

"Yes, she's 5 weeks pregnant, the symptoms that she's pregnant don't show yet. But apparently, she lost her baby without taking enough nutrition to her system and enough rest" The doctor explained as I let my head look down while hearing the details of how my cousin suffered and lost her child.

"I-I want to.... see her." U said. I'm terrified of what will happen to her after hearing that she lost her baby.

"She's not yet awake... But we can let you enter her room now" He asked. I just nod and say thank you.

I turn around to walk to my cousin's room, I don't even know how to say or what to say to her. I just knew that the information that I'll say will tear her heart into pieces.

Even I, can't imagine what I'll do if I lost my child. How am I supposed to braise myself for being strong for my cousin who's almost my sister?

I was frozen right there. Stood up in front of her room while holding the door knob. Finding the strength to twitch it and enter the room.

After a while of thinking, I finally dare to enter.

I look at her lying on the bed and sleeping peacefully.

"How can a girl like you suffer this much?" I asked as if someone will answer me. I sighed as I sat on the chair just beside her bed.

I'm watching and looking intently at her face. She looks like an angel.

How can life be so cruel to her?

I noticed how she cried for the man who can't reciprocate the love and effort she gave while they were in a relationship.

And now that she finally ended what sort of relationship they had... She lost her baby. How is that so cruel?

"I wish I can ease your pains," I said as tears continue to escape from my eyes.

I comb her hair using my finger and hold her hand.

When unexpectedly she slowly opened her eyes.

"C-Candace?" She asked.

"M-Mhm?" It felt like I can't think of a word to say.

"Where am I?" She asked. I was dumbfounded again.

I took a deep breath and gather my strength. I know I have to tell her either way that she lost her child.

"At the hospital cuz," I answered her.

"W-What? Why?!" She looks so confused. I look at her for a minute before answering her question.

"You suddenly collapsed earlier after your taping..." I answered.

"What does the doctor say?" She asked once again.

There is it. The question I know will be the cause of her pain.

"You're over fatigued, Phoebe," I answered. But not completely told her what the doctor said about losing her baby.

She sits back on her bed ."That's expected... I-I made myself too busy that I even forgot to take care of myself" She admitted.

"T-The doctor said...." I spoke. But had to stop the moment she look me in the eyes.

"What is it?" she asked. I have the urge to cry after seeing how curious she is to know what I'm about to say but also hurt after she heard it.

"What does the doctor say cuz?" She asked me once again.

"Y-You lost your baby" I finally said it. I look at her just to see her dumbfounded while looking at the floor and her eyes and nose turning red.

She lost her angel.

Phoebe's Pov

"There are media around the hospital right now" Candice informed me as she massage the side of her temple.

I've been in the hospital for a whole week and I can say that I'm not in the right state of mind to even bother about the media and issues I may be in right now.

The thought of losing my angel scattered my heart in pieces.

I'm just 19 for fucks sake and my Abuela and mom will be devastated knowing I've born a child and lost it at my age right now.

I never plan on having a baby at this early age of mine but fuck the hormones and impulsive of mine I let my bastard ex fuck me without protection. I was doomed and so down right now.

I can't even compose myself and face my manager and the media outside for my fucking stupidity.

I even lost my angel, without knowing I'm bearing a child. I'm so responsible mother.

I was told by my doctor that I can leave the hospital. Candace was ready to process my discharge paper when she saw the media outside.

Rumors said that I died due to overwork, Others think that I have some sort of illness. And some even said that I have a life-threatening situation.

"Hey, are you okay?" Candace asked when a tear started falling down my cheeks again. For the whole week, I was just like this. Maybe I was terrified knowing that I lost my baby because of my stupidity.

"I-I just don't know how to fix this mess...." I started crying and she embraced me with a hug and gently tap my back to stop me from crying.

I cried in her arms as I felt all her words of assurance that she will always be there for me.

She caressed my back as she gently tap it Like she was trying to assure me that everything will be okay.

"Don't worry about your problem and others for now. Just focus on yourself" She said. I broke the hug and look at her.

"Will I be okay?" I asked her. Like seeking words of encouragement that everything will be okay soon.

She nodded slowly with a smile on her face but I can see through her eyes that she pity me. Who wouldn't be right? I just lost my child and made a mess in my career.

"You're gonna be fine. Trust me." She said. No... She sounds as if she's assuring me.

I can't help but feel thankful for having her as my cousin.

Months passed and I realized I can't always be this shit who storms around and cry in every corner of the room. I can't always be like this, for I am a strong woman and a mother.

"Hi, Azie!" I said as I kneeled on the green grass and wiped her name on the ground. Azaira Gray. What a nice name, If only I could hold her in my arms. I would gladly hear her cries every night.

"Mommy is sorry for not being able to bring you to this world" I tried so hard to strengthen my voice and avoid stuttering. "Come back to mommy when the time comes, baby... I'll promise I'll be a great mother when that time comes. I love you Azie" I look at her grave as tears started falling down my cheeks. I beg my goodbyes and stood up. I wiped my tears as I look at her grave one last time.

Even though I wasn't able to bring her into this world. Deep in my heart, I love her, My first child...