33 Days to Love

May 2022...

As I lay on the cold hard floor, tears trailing down my eyes. I question my sanity, is this truly what heartbreak feels like? My chest feels as though a spear had been forgotten in it.

But how could you lose something that was never really yours to begin with?

Marcus, a man I was infatuated with for several months, had just told me I meant nothing to him. Our relationship was quite discreet, due to the circumstances we found ourselves in. Okay! I'll just be honest, I loved Marcus, and I thought he loved me too, at least that's what he said. Long story short, he chose someone better, they always choose someone else, someone that's not me...

Should I be feeling this way? I mean, who am I kidding! I'm no stranger to unrequited love. And in all honesty, it's all I've ever known.

The pain of loving in vain, never being loved in return... always at the window looking in, longing from afar.  The feeling of drowning in myself-indulged emotions. 

I'm not going to lay here feeling sorry for myself any longer, I'm not that pathetic, "come on lora!", I said as I sat up and wiped the tears off my face with the back of my palms.

I picked up my phone and stared at the last conversation I had with Marcus  that left me in tears. I read it over again, this time I was hoping not to cry, I was hoping it would help me let go. I had confronted him after I saw his post online;

Lora; is this some kind of a joke? Cuz it's not funny Marcus.

Marcus; Lora, I wanted to tell you at the right time, I just didn't know how..

Lora; tell me what Marcus?

Marcus; I'm sorry but I can't continue whatever this is.

Lora; whatever this is?

Marcus; Us Lora, us!

Lora; you should have told me this before you went ahead and made me fall in love with you.

Marcus; love? Do you even know what that is? The attention? The texting? I don't see it as love. Love is what I feel for Penny. I hope you weren't thinking we were in a relationship or anything?

Lora; it was all a lie?

Marcus; I never asked you to be my girlfriend, so what the heck are you even talking about.

Marcus was right, he didn't ask me to officially date him or anything,  I did this to myself...

He was never mine...

I guess I only assumed we had something going on because of how often we texted each other, oh well...

Holding back the tears I deleted his number and put my phone aside. I washed my face and did my braids into a ponytail. Feeling restless, I desperately tried to mask my pain, I didn't want anyone to know I had been crying for the past 3 hours, over a boy that wasn't even my boyfriend. It sounds pathetic now that I think about it.