Trapped Desire

Anny

Life is may not be what we always want it to be .

It's bittersweet .

It's has good times, when everything seems great, we feel confident, unstoppable, on top of the world and things are working out well and we forget that life also has bad times, when we are all gloomy,sad, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed and confused.

At this point, everything seems pointless and you feel clueless and that's when you start losing your confidence ,we start asking questions, we start losing our sense of direction, we start doubting.

Some of us let go of hope and allow the storms of life take us away, we let go and go with the flow. At this point, we forget that there was a time, we were happy, confident, unstoppable,a time we felt sexy when we put on clothes, a time everything was beautiful, a time the sun shone brightly, the sky was blue and the birds were chirping away in the trees. We let go of that memory and that glimmer of hope and then, we start seeing only darkness in the tunnel, we stop believing and we stop moving and that's when we fall. That's when we fail, and before we realize it, life is gone and there's no way we can turn back time. We leave behind regrets we wished we never had, wishes we hoped for but never came, plans we made, but never realized, people we wished we had enough time with, but never did.

I stared blankly at the coffin as it was being lowered to the ground, with someone I used to call my dad in it. Gone . And he was never coming back. I could feel the sharp stabbing pain in my stomach , my chest tightened like it was going to burst at any moment. I wanted to scream and cry my heart out. But I couldn't. I didn't. Though I could feel a million thousand emotions bubbling up inside me, yet I feel numb at the same time. Was it grief ? Or anger? . I've always known this moment would come and I've always been prepared for this moment, but why does it feel like I've been stabbed in the heart.

My eyes flickered to my mom. Her face, a bubble of different emotions. Her eyes barely holding back tears which was clearly threatening to fall. I glanced at my older sister, my immediate younger brother, then my little sister. They were all trying to hold back tears. My brother seemed rather indifferent, like he didn't really care about what was going on. But I knew Evan better than he knew himself. He wasn't really great at expressing his feelings and wasn't any better at taking about it.

My father was finally laid to rest . The coffin was covered with dirt as the priest muttered what I'm guessing were prayers. My mom stretched out her hand towards me, pulling me closer to her, then she did same with my siblings. We ended up forming a circle. A circle of sorrow.

We were leaving the cemetery, when a limo rolled gently down the street. It stopped a few feet from us. The windows didn't roll down as I expected, but I could definitely sense someone watching us. I could feel skin prickle , a sensation I couldn't quite place.

"Who the hell could that be?" Beatrix asked.

My mom shook her head. Negative. She definitely doesn't know who that is. And I don't think my siblings knew either.

"It could probably be one of Dad's loaners coming to get what his owed, now that he's gone " Nikki added. For the first time since Nikki became a teenager, this was the first time she actually spoke something that made sense somewhat.

When Dad got ill, as those he owed came knocking on our door. Demanding their money back. And it wasn't just one or two persons. I lost count on the fifth. Am guessing they probably thought he was going to die. But Dad didn't die immediately, he had a stoke which we managed for a few years before he finally gave up. I felt my mom's hold tightened, her fingers sinking deep into my skin, her face paled .

She was definitely thinking about what Nikki said. For the past years, I watched my mom give her time, money, sweat and well being to clear my father's loans he accumulated without telling anyone and at the same time paying his hospital bills, medications and taking care of four kids and family needs. And believe me when I say that we are actually a handful of chaos. I think it's too much for one woman. She sighed, relaxing her grip on me.

"Nikki. I don't think you should be saying stuffs like that. As it is, We've already had enough of your father's problems to bear with right now." She warned.

"Well who ever that is, I think Dad pissed off the wrong person". Evan added, mom give him a stern look. And the idiot didn't care to shut up.

" I mean, look at that. Does it look like it belongs to just anyone?". He was right though, that car looks like it belongs to a very influential figure. What have you done this time Dad. "Could probably be a loan shark, or one of the Mafias". A feeling of dread washed over me, I suddenly felt nauseous. But the door didn't open. It just stood there, then in after what felt like hours, it started moving. It drove down the street, my eyes still glued on it, until it took a turn at the end of the street and vanished from my sight. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Maybe he isn't one of Dad's loaners after all.

"Can we go home now?" Nikki chirped. "I'm not a fan of cemeteries ".

" Why Nikki are you scared of ghosts?" Beatrix teased.

" duhh. There are no such things as ghosts. It's just that, there are lots of dead bodies here. It makes my skin crawl ". Beatrix give her a gentle nudge on the shoulder.

"So you are scared after all ". But Nikki weaved her off.

" What about zombies?" Evan asked " They could be real ".

"Seriously bro?. We are in a grave yard. You guys should stop talking about stuffs like that". Nikki yelled, quickening her pace towards the car and trying to get rid of her older sister and brother, who were following behind her, matching her strides . I could still hear their voice in the distance, Evan was still arguing with his sisters, explaining why zombies are real, while Nikki was covering her ears, speaking above their voices to shut them up. They looked like little kids arguing about dinosaurs. Beatrix the oldest, is in medical school, Evan just got into college and Nicole is in highschool. Definitely not kids anymore.

They may seem okay to anyone who doesn't know us very well, but underneath the loud voices and blabbering, we were still grieving. My mom gave me a slight squeeze and a smile, then walked away towards my siblings. I followed suit behind them.

My mind wandered to what had happened earlier, my skin was still prickling. I shouldn't be thinking too much about it, after nothing bad happened. But that has always been my problem. Living in my head. Over thinking every single little thing and creating worst scenarios in my head. Yet I still couldn't shrug off the feeling that something was wrong. I didn't notice I had stopped walking when I heard a car honked at me, pulling me out from my thoughts.

"Hey Annette" Nikki yelled " Are you planning on sleeping here with your father's new found dead buddies or what".

I ran towards the car. You know what, Nikki is kinda right. Thinking about what she said, there are lots of dead bodies here and it's making my skin crawl. And I definitely don't want to wait to find out if ghost or zombies actually exist.