Between Death and Desire

s, and I learn

which one counts twice. I learn to keep my eyes down and my voice small, because Rue's body flinches at l

, in pieces, what ha

rticular the way old women do. "Poisoned the heir, she did," the woman mutters, no

still in the

, careful to

caught her red-handed-poison in the heir's cup, plain as day. A

e, I want to scream. I

y, "What hap

t me and does not answer.

I already know how the story

eryone believes, the story that got me killed, sitting right there in the mouths of

-

ray afternoon, while I a

in the room goes quiet at once, the way a flock

s. "Alpha wan

ps straight th

me at meals, who has soft eyes and softer hands and asks too many care

you do?" s

s mostly true. Nothing

ou are

m fi

at people like she is listening for something under their skin. But she lets go of my w

-

o guards stand watch over the oak door like it is made of gol

s stone walls. Maps pinned up. A sword mounted over the mantle. And Kael, sta

" he says, witho

ds have gotten very good at lying

ce small. I make it shake at the edges, because Rue w

tur

ething written in a language he used to know and has half-forgotten. Up close, the tiredness I saw across

y I called you

my

t lie

am

h that I have to tip my head back to keep looking at him. My heart slams so hard I am sure h

od goe

understa

, yo

take it. He cups my face in one hand. His palm is warm. Rough with old scars. I remember, suddenly and

ell like her. You move like her. You have her eyes when you think no one is watching. But s

not b

ay. Say her name before then, and there is nothing left of her to save. N

is Rue,"

htly. Hope, maybe. Or the death of it.

again,"

ame i

e and say

arker by the second. I say it a third time, slow and cle

ame. I

r of us flinches. Long enough that I start to wonder if he can hear the lie under

k toward the fire like something in h

lo

oes not look at me when he says it. "You will attend me

work in the ki

eaves no room in it. "I wa

it. Sharper than Rue would ever say it. I

ow, almost gentle. It is somehow worse than if he had shoute

use w

at me across the courtyard three weeks ago-like a man st

stead. "Someone will bri

uld do. I make it to the door before

ue

do not t

my l

s low behind me, rough at the edges. "

ding, or how badly I want you to find it, o

I say instead. I

-

hallway that is already spotless. She dr

ou have seen a g

t comes out wrong

into his wing,"

go wide

kno

dies me the way she always does, like she is listening for a heartbeat under my skin

m the warmth of his hand on my face. Nyra is the closest thing I have to a friend in this world I have woken up into a se

ready because I trusted the

ay. "He just a

. But she loops her arm through mine anyway, gentle, like she ha

s get your things before so

during morning drills, anything that is not the north tower. But my mind stays two floors up, in a firelit roo

question is how long I can stand being watched

-

a room in his wing. A room with a real bed instead of a cot. Close

istening to h

that does not belong to Rue at all

o matter how hard I