The Confessions of Artemas Quibble

d before us. My partner had a wretched client who, not unlike many others, would go to more pains and trouble to stea

the result that he was always hanging about the office and asking if this and that were "within the law."

e had become involved in a fist fight with a gentleman by the name of Holahan and had done the latter considerable facial damage. McDuff pondered upon these facts for some time over his beer and then set out to find Jones-not

ave a warrant for your arrest for committing a battery upon Th

f dismay. "Sure, I did nothing to the man

McDuff. "An officer has no choice i

Jones, pulling his m

fifty dollars. Say y

great risk," responds

no more

" returned Jones. "You can have

was nothing of the kind. Rising in his wrath, he in turn procured a warrant for McDuff and caused his arrest and indictment. The trial came off and despite Gottlieb's best efforts his client was convicted by the jury of stealing

I got talking about the

and give a man back his money when, under precisely the

by that?" ask

ishonest contract between themselves. Now this fellow, Jones, it seems to me, was almost as bad as your friend McDuff. He tried to induce a man he thought was a sworn officer of t

s. According to your reasoning, two wrongs would make a right and two thieves one honest man. Would you let McDuff go unpunished simply because he

ribing a judge and you failed to accomplish your purpose, no court would assist

n it," insisted Gottlieb warmly. "For instance, there is the crime against usury-a very foolish law to be sure, but there it is. No one can commit usury unless some on

g the one because the other is equally guilty. But the cases differ in that, in bribery, the briber is seeking to influence the acts of an official; and, in extortion, the law imputes an ele

ieb, "you had better argue it you

"Nothing will give

; particularly as I was opposed in person by the district attorney of New York County-a man of great learning and power of sarcasm. However, I found the Court of Appeals

strict Court, where the subpoenas for the witnesses are issued by the clerk to the deputy marshals for service. Our opponent in the case was a testy old member of the bar over sixty years of age and of the very highest respectability and standing, who ha

what is called a duces tecum subpoena for him-that is to say, a subpoena directing him to bring with him-duces tecum-"bring with you"-the papers in question. There had recently been appointed as a deputy marshal a very honest and enthusia

Winthrop Van Rennsellaer" -our worthy opp

his hand and taking the paper; for, though he had no idea of wha

the clerk. "Be sure and at

o me!" Mike

's a duces tecum," ad

ed out of

replied the newly

a fellow deputy, a

t the subpoena, "phat is the

refully exami

lly. "'Dooces taycum.' They be Latin w

said Mike.

by inquiry that his quarry was in, Mike pushed by the clerks and scriveners in the outer offices and armed with the

Van Ren

replied, with what dignity he was ab

Winthrop Van

me!" ord

kind!" retorted the lawye

he yanked him out of his chair and, to the horror of the servile supernumeraries in the lawyer's emplo

him, exhibited his badge, called upon the police to assist him in the exercise of his duty and proceeded triumphantly to march Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer, hatless, up the street at the head of a large and enthusiastic processio

t-office Building the mistake was quickly discovered and Mr. Van Rennsellaer was set at liberty; but each and every United States judge had to

. During the rest of his exceedingly distinguished career one had only to mention the words duces tecum in the presence of Mr. Winthrop Van Rennsellaer to deprive him instantly of his composure; in fact, for a long t

ook our sides with laughter at the idea of having hoodwinked the greatest court in the State into a solemn opinion that a rogue should not be punished if at the same time he could persuade his victim to try to be a rogue also! But there it was in cold print. They had followed m

umental in inducing the commission of the offence. Neither the law nor public policy designs the protection of rogues in their dealings with each other, or to insure fair dealing and truthfulness, as between each other, in their dishonest practices." (This sentence had been in m

ield of human activity. Generations yet unborn will profit by your ingenuity. From now on every rascal in

McDuff, I can easily see that I have unloosed as

get that. The inventors will all come flocking straight to us

ake a sharp advantage of some one else. For example, let us suppose that I go to some person and falsely tell him that I have a client serving a term in Sing Sing for burglary who has confided to me the whereabouts of the secret hiding-place of his loot. All that is necessary is s

e out of the question; that it would only get them into trouble. Of course, occasionally we let them send the judge a box of cigars, but always with the compliments of our adversary -never our own. Now this shows how readily persons who are mixed up in lawsuits or other difficulties would be ready to put up their money if they supposed the judge were going to get it. All you need is some unscrupulous fellow

answered, "of the uses to whi

e one else. Let us suppose that I pretend to have secret information to the effect that certain property is really much more valuable than the owner supposes it to be. I propose to another that-if he will put up the money for that purpose-we shall buy the property,

nderstand. You would have bou

or one of your brilliant parts. The point is that the property really isn't w

ozen similar schemes co

commencing to stalk up and down the room. "A hundred! Why, there are end

I excl

man could be induced to insure his life if he could get back the first year's premium. All you have got to do is to tell him that you are an insurance agent and will give it back-and then put the money in your o

re not a man of ingen

ng upon the wonders of the law, but totally unconscious of what

y years of age, whose coal-black hair-by far his most conspicuous feature-had been suffered to grow quite long and was parted evenly in the middle, so that it gave him somewhat the appearance

artner. "I want you to meet m

sping my hand. "Our friend Gottlieb knows me almost better than

pulled you out of many

tli

edly. "But in any event you are a splendid fello

. Billington?" I asked, curious

winked at

escribe it, Mr.

hed and shift

mple use of a postage stamp. He can extract gold from seawater or silver from pineapples. Incidentally, he is of a scientific turn of mind an

with a new interest. So at last I had met one of

lot of poor devils a deal of trouble. From this time on none of us wil

red, dropping int

s heard the result of a horse-race being sent over the wire in advance of the pool rooms, and persuade him to turn over his roll for the purpose of betting it on a horse th

at aghast at the idea of having paved a br

r law to. I have never yet advised any man how to do an illegal thing. The most I have ever done has been

many things that before were accounted faul

de us good-night, G

reen goods' can be prosecuted. The countryman comes to the city for the purpose of buying counterfeit money at a ridiculously low figure. He puts up his money and gets a package of blank paper wit

m your result; and I, for one, do not see what is to prevent New York

shonest living elsewhere. With our friend Charles as their sponsor, there sprang into being herds of "sick engineers," fake "wire-tappers," "green-go

ing that as I was responsible for the law it was my duty to apply it for the benefit of our clients. So once again I entered the arena in behalf of a principle that at heart I believed to be vicious and even absurd, and once again, to my surprise and th

y-nilly-a leader of the criminal bar. Yet at no time during my career would I have exchanged p