The Confessions of Artemas Quibble

he spending of it. I had no particular professional ambitions and never but once sought distinction as a constitutional lawyer; and, however unworthy of an officer of the cou

less an erring human being after his elevation to the dais, and I could rake out of one good semi-criminal case twice the salary of any judge on

ed by the suffrages of a political party. He is merely less obviously so. There are a few men in Wall Street who can press a button and call for almost any judge they want-and he will come- and adjourn court if necessary to do so-with his silk hat in his hands. And if any young aspirant for legal honors who reads these fugitive memoirs believes that the road to the supreme bench leads v

beyond endurance, the ship's company but indifferent in character and the rations scanty. I make no doubt but that it is harder to earn an honest living at the law than by any other means of liveliho

til they stumbled upon some professional gold mine. I have heard many stories of how some young men managed to pull success out of disaster when

r went to law. He was able and industrious, but in his native place found it almost impossible to earn a living; and when by chance he met a well-known and pro

the prosperous lawyer, for it made him feel his own success to se

p and down the city trying to find an opening, no matter how small. He was too old to begin as a clerk and too much of a bumpkin for anything else, and he found that nobody had any use for a young man of his particular type and training. At last, in despair, he hired desk-room in an office, shared joint

At last he was forced to give up lunch and get along as best he could on two scanty meals a day; he grew thin and haggard, his Adam's apple projected redly above a frayed collar,

at his emaciated appearance, for his eyes burned with the fever of starvation

grimly, "unless you g

The fact is,

ook at him

ked. "Better chuck it and go back! I guess I

doggedly. "When I go back

pondered a minute. "I've got a lot of old judgments against a fellow named Rosenheim-in the cig

me!" almost

nks la

s he bent over and, pulling out a lower drawer, removed a bun

less than ten minutes to find Mr. Simon Rosenheim, who was sitting inside

some judgments here against you, amoun

rked Rosenh

have the money?"

n the world. Everything in this room belongs to my wife. The amount of money I owe is really something shocking

performance hundreds of times befor

eyes, leap over the brass railing. In another instant horny hands

ents or I'll strang

e he struggled helplessly to escape as h

rving! I'd as lief die one way as another; but befo

now before the safe, his

afe!" comma

nation; the tumbler caught, the door swung open. Peters lifted hi

m out!" h

shaking with fear. Peters stuf

"I've had one piece of law busine

ored to pull himself together. He had a half-scared, half-puzz

wn with a pint of champagne. He then purchased a new suit of clothes, a box of collars, a few shirts, and

lars, I believe," remarked P

get that money out of Ros

casually. "Of course I

utter amazement. He,

a claim against the Pennsylvania and Susquehanna Terminal Company for two million

ated and pur

nd if I do," sa

ho do a business of about four hundred thousand a year? Well, that

in Peters' case necessity was the parent of his invention; whereas in the other the scheme that led

s, but he had no acquaintances with financiers and had no reason to advance to himself why he should ever hope to receive any business from such. Reading one day that a certain young attorney he knew had received a large retainer for bringing an injuncti

without disclosing his name for the time being- desired to create a trust for the benefit of a charity in which the railroad magnate was much i

ng-room car he bowed to the great man, who returned his greeting with the shortness characteristic of him, and passed on to the smoker, where he ensconced himself in a chair near the door, depositing on the seat next to him a pile of magazines and his coat. Half an hour passed and the car

his seat!" sai

r. Rogers!" exclaim

Let me give

e banker as he took up a magazine. "Saw you

othing has occurred in conn

attention to his companion. At Bridgeport a telegraph bo

lf a dollar, and without much apparent interes

inwardly, and thrust th

ously for Everitt P. Baldwin-this time there were two te

tion of satisfaction; but the magnate gave no sign. At New London there was another flu

an H. Rogers let fall his magaz

are all those

est legal delicacy, in which he had tied up an imaginary railroad system with an injunction, supposedly just made permanent. Morgan H. Rogers became interested and offered Mr. Baldwin a remarkably big cigar. He had been having a

to develop an intellectual agility and a flexibility of morals which, in the long run, may well lead not only to fortune, but to fame-of one sort or another. I recall an incident in my own career, upo

easonable in either case. He was turned over to me in despair by another and older attorney, who could do nothing with him and wished me joy in my undertaking. I soon found that the old gentleman's guiding principle was "Millions for defence, but not one cent for tribute." In other words, as he always believed himself to have been

s grievances. Being a sort of sea-lawyer himself he was forever devising quaint defences and strange reasons why he should not pay his creditors; and

st claims. This happened so frequently that he almost never paid a bill in the first instance, with the natural result that those who had sent him honest bills before, after one or two experiences with him, made it a practice to add thirty per cent. or so to t

ad ordered a pair of trousers without inquiring the price and was shocked to discover that he had been charged three dollars more than for h

I'm an old man!" he shrieked in rage. "But you

lars on his trousers. If he had been less abusive the tailor might have overlooked the matter; but

h!" shouted the old man

history of the transaction, as well as his picturesque denunciation of his opponent, I had already put in about a hundred dollars' worth of my time without any prospect of a return. I knew that if the case were tried it would mean a day lost for myself and a judgment against my

te-horse, foot, and dragoons-and that the suit had been withdrawn. My embarrassment may be imagined when my client arrived at the office in a state of delirious excitement and insisted not only on inviting me to dinne

g been invoked by the unjust steward who called his lord's debtors to him and inquir

steward, "and sit down q

eighty. On discovering what he had done his lord commended him for having done wisel

t steward and myself lay in the manner in which we were each eventually treated by our respective masters. Indeed, I found t

sorts of defences, move for an examination of the plaintiff and of his books and papers, secure a bill of particulars and go through all sorts of legal hocus-pocus to show how bitterly I was contesting the case as a matter of principle. Before the action cam

solutely declined to pay anything, I paid the claim in full, simply for the satisfaction of leading hi

sh to do me a bad turn, wrote him a letter thanking him for his generosity. The next day he appeared, purple with rage, and for some unaccountable reason, ins

uly brilliant scheme, which had to commend it the

ivorce and is without means for the purpose, the courts will allow her a counsel fee and alimony pendente lite. The counsel fee

ing into my office and showed me

hink of that

turned out to be an

read as

OF IL

Y, CITY OF

a promise of marriage, representing himself to be a traveling salesman employed by a manufacturer of soda fountains; that they were married on July 5, 1881, in the town of Piqua, Ohio, by a justice of the peace under the names of Sadie Bings and Joshua Blank, and by a rab

ded so as to convey the impression that the deponent was a woman of somewhat doubtful character herself, but that on the other hand she had been tricked by the defendant into a secret-and what he intended to be a temporary-marriage.

sting reading, whether it be fact or fict

er downtown-and, I may add, a very rich and respectable young gentleman. Of course, I have no personal knowledge of the matter, as the case has been sent to us by one of

just such applications a thous

e one of his lo

said he, and went ba

on what I

and annoyance; and shortly thereafter a very respectable and prosperous old family lawyer called upon us to explain that the whole matter was

and muttered something under his breath about perjury and blackmail, to which, however, neither Gottlieb nor I paid any attention. A week or so later we made our motion for alimony and counsel fee pendente lite, and

ter Mr. Gates himself called and asked to see us. He was a rosy-cheeked, athletic young

Well, if that's law I have nothing to say. Of course, you can't win your case, because you can't prove that I ever married anybody -which latter fact, of course, you very well know. I would never pay you a cent to settle this or any other unfounded suit, and I never did anything for which you or any other scoun-beg pardon

heck and rang a bel

is." He opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a legal paper. "Here," said he, "is a discontinuance of the action, which I

im for a moment and t

h the litigation, I assure you. I fully expected to be adjudged the father of a large family of littl

solemnly and, to my horror

Lizzie Yarnowski, and that you married her under the name

gave him to blackmail people. His method was the very simple one of publishing some unfounded scandal without using any names, and then to

are no longer on good terms and are carrying on-sub rosa-independent establishments. Mr. -- prefers the upper West Side, wh

mmer. There is a persistent rumor that Mrs. Jones will remain with her

sue him for libel unless he printed an immediate retraction. Our client would thereupon refer him to Gottlieb, who would explain to Mr. Jones that the libel in question had no reference to him whatsoever; that he could hardly expect favorable items to appear about him unless he took a financial interest in the paper; and end by offering to negotiate a purchase for him of some of the stock. I

ny more in judgments. He still owed us a large sum of money, but Gottlieb had tied up his property in such a fashion that the old fellow was judgment-proof. He was thus able to snap his fingers in our faces, a fact that natu

other libelous paragraph, which reflected very seriously upon his young and attractive wife; and as it was pretty gener

unlikely. You know he has an inner office 'way off from the rest and sneaks in and out, up and down the back stairs. A suit for libel wouldn't do a

t for his new client, at the same time making an appointment

or a thousand dollars-that the 'General' shall receiv

alled with a letter at the "General's" office and asked to see him. He had, he insisted, orders to deliver the letter into nobody's hands but those of the "Ge

neral --?"

me," answered

e bantam, fumbling in his cap and producin

addressed to a very well-known member of society whose escapades were n

"I've give yous the wrong letter. Here's y

e "General," hastily tearing ope

t ain't fer yous!" expostulated t

the paper and scenting scandal in every line -that is, he devoured it until, quite unexpectedly, the bantam squared off and proceeded to hand him

t yous'll get if yous violates de United States mail-see?" Bing! "Read Mr. --'s letter, will yo

anged his messenger's uniform for his Broadway regalia and a crisp one-hundred dollar bill. That is the only time, so far as I ever learned, that the "General" ever go

venously. If he found nothing he would whine and sit on his hind legs-so to speak-on the curb, with an imploring look on his hairy face. If a police officer approached the "Human Dog" would immediately roll over on his back, with his legs in the air, and yelp piteously; in fact, he combined the "lay" of insanity with that of starvation in a most ingenious and skilful manner. He was a familiar sight and a bugbear to the police, who were constantly arresting him; but, as he never asked for money, they had great difficulty in doing anyth

t-throwers" have plied their trade for over six hundred years and were known in England and Flanders long before the discovery of America. Gottlieb was very shrewd at devising schemes that came just within the l

instantly aroused. She accosts him, and the aged one informs her in a faint voice that he works in Harlem and has been sent by his boss to set a pane of glass on Varick Street; but not knowing exactly where Varick Street is, he has got off the elevated at Fifty-ninth Street and finds that he is still several miles from his destination. What woman, unless she had a heart of granite, would not be mo

o simulate a very severe physical mishap. I shall not describe with any greater degree of particularity what her precise affliction was, save to say that if genuine it would have entitled her

n carelessly left lying upon the premises. An ambulance would be summoned, but she would insist upon being taken to her own home-an imposing mansion -and calling her own physician. In due course the railroad would send its doctor, who would report that her condition was serious; and, as the leaving of a banana peel upon a public platform is in its very nature "negligent," the comp

onds had originally been issued by corporations in good standing, but had been exchanged, cancelled, outlawed, or in some other way had become valueless. How our clien

ng and Securities Company, the Southern Georgia Land and Fruit Company, and so on. He had an impressive office in a marble-fronted building on Wall Street, doors covered with green baize inside and gold lettering outside, and he wore a tall hat and patent-leather shoes. He also had a force of several young lady stenographers and clerks, who acted as the officers and d

of his pen. If you wished a half-million bond issue you simply called him up on the telephone and some "Light and Power Company" would hold a directors' meeting and vote a fifty-year debenture gold seven-per-cent security that you could peddle around at fifty- eight and one-eighth to unsuspecting investors, so as to net them merely thirteen per cent. on their money-when they got it. You could

not farcical character. Still, it was one of those little slips that even the most careful of us will sometimes make, and the district-attorney took an underhand advantage of our friend and indicted him for forging the names of the officers of the company to an unauthorized issue of bonds. Got

ns who did not exist? However, he had invented these financial Frankensteins and they finally overwhelmed him. Somewhere lying around I have my share of the f