The Man with Two Left Feet and Other Stories

knowledge that I was worth actual cash to somebody filled me with a sense of new responsibilities. It sobered me. Besides, it was only after that half-crown changed hands that I went out

an still recall the interesting sensation of being chased seventeen times round the yard with a broom-handle after a well-planned and completely successful raid on the larder. These and other happenings of a like nature soothed for the moment but could not cure the restlessness which has always been so marked a trait in my character. I have always been restless, unable to settle down in one place and anxious to get on

tedly left comfortable homes in order to follow some perfect stranger who looked as if h

, but I didn't take any notice. Mother is what they call a good watch-dog, and she growls at everybody except master. At first, when she used to do it, I would get up and bark my head off,

nd running into the saloon to talk to Fred and generally looking after things. So I was just dozing off

n mother never thought me beautiful. She was no Gladys Cooper herself, but she never hesitated to criticize my app

ticks straight up in the air. My hair is wiry. My eyes are brown. I am jet black, with a white chest. I once overh

n at me, and by his side the man who had just said I was ugly enough. The man was a thin man, abou

a sweet nature

iability.' But, according to her, I overdid it. 'A dog,' she used to say, 'can have a good heart, without chumming with every Tom, Dick, and Harry he meets. Your beha

s, the smell of their legs, and the sound of their voices. It may be weak of me, but a man ha

ected-what I afterwards found to be the case-that he was shy, so I jumped up at

te a fancy to you a

those silent men. He reminded me of Joe, the old dog down the street at the gr

he admired me so much. From what he said you would have thought I had won prizes and ribbo

g him what a wonderful dog I wa

and if he was an angel from on high you couldn't

course I saw now what was happening. The man wanted t

o me than a dog,' said

, unsympathetically. 'If you had a son that's just how he

though it's giving him away, a valuable

of rope and tied

d telling me to be a credit to the fa

-bye, Fred. Good-bye everybody. I'm off to see life

and shouting, till the man gave

I d

idn't know the whole world was half as big as that. We walked on and on, and the man jerked at my rope whene

suddenly stopped the man. I could feel by the way the man pulled at my rope and tried to hurry on t

policeman, and

oliceman. 'It's from the Board of Health. They to

ht!' sai

like. Else you'll find you

spect. He was evidently someone very impor

the country tonig

eman seem

the country,' he said. 'Do

bout a million stairs and went into a room that smelt of rats. T

uldn't keep it

policemen? I knew lots of policemen at the public-house. Are there any other dogs here? What is there for dinner? W

t yelping

er is a caretaker at a big house in Kent. I've heard Fred talk about it. You didn't meet Fred when you c

o had always been one of my warmest friends, when he

t when you're

d to hurt him to be spoken to. However, he was the bo

d always wanted to go there. Fred used to go off on a motor-bicycle sometimes to spend the night with his father in Kent, and once he brought back a squirrel with him, whi

rope, and we began to walk along a road with no people in it at all. We walked on and on, but it was a

because of Fred's father. These big houses belong to very rich people, but they don't want to live in them till the summer, so t

be a caretaker?'

up,' h

shu

ut. My man seemed to know him, for he called him Bill. I was quite surpri

' said Bill,

is afternoon,'

nt one for? It seems to me it's a lot of trouble to take, when there's no need of any trouble at all. Why not do what I've

inside the house. And suppose you do fix him during the day what happens then? Either the bloke gets another before night, or else he sits up all night with

heard the man make, and it seemed t

e said. 'We'd best start in

ife, 'You'll be sorry when you do. The world isn't all bones and liver.' And I hadn't bee

e all the trouble. It seemed as i

tired out after all the excitement of the day and the long walks I had had, when somet

what I must do in a case like this. It is the A B C of a dog's education. 'If you are in a room and you hear anyone trying to get in,' mother used t

ee, and at the public-house, when there was a full moon, I have often had people leaning o

! Man! Come quick! Here

and it was the man himself. He

erstand it. I couldn't see where I had done the wrong th

k my loudest and the man would strike a light and wallop me. The thing was baffling. I couldn't possibly have mistaken what mother had said to me. She said i

sition, barking was all right. But circumstances alter cases. I belonged to a man who was a mass of nerves, who got the jumps if you spoke to him. What I had to do was to forget the training I had had from mother, sound

growl. Someone came in and moved about in the dark, with a lantern, but, though I smelt that it was the man, I didn't ask him a si

said. 'Now you

he saucepan in which the

just kept curled up and took no notice, and every time I got a bone

tes and went along a very smooth road till we came to a great house, standing all by itself in the middle of a whole lot

nd the door opened, an

aid, not ver

want to buy a good wa

ctly what I do want to buy. I was just thinking of going along and trying to get one. My ol

man. 'Found an old bon

ues

ou want fo

shil

good wa

grand wa

s fierce

A

an his five shillings, and

ressed. I pattered all over the house, whining. It was a most interesting house, bigger than I thought a house could possibly be, but it couldn't cheer me up. You may think it strange that I should pine for the man, after all the wallopings he had given me

you are feeling most miserable, something nice happens. As I sat there, t

stepped. I recognized his voice in a second, and I was scratching

! I ran five times round the lawn without stop

How long are you going to stop? How's mother? I like the country. Have you come all the way from the public-house?

!' That was what they c

here? Where did you

Bob got poisoned. This one ought to be just

dog in London. This cheese-hound used to bel

er we sat and talked. Fred was only down for the nigh

dad,' he said. 'Of all the lonely places!

if it wasn't for him, but he kind of gives me confidence

ny tram

months, and that's the fell

if he knew him. They might have met at the public

,' I said. 'I wish

th look

t?' asked Fred. 'Thin

d man

was talking in his sle

f living i

pip at night. It's so quiet. How you can stand it here all the time

ther l

d better take the gun to bed with yo

d. 'I'll take six

ad got poisoned. It was a comfortable basket, but I was so excited at having met Fred again that I coul

I thought it was the mice working in a different place, but, when I listened, I foun

ght me. I didn't think it possible that this could be the man come back, for he had gone away and said nothing about ever seeing m

niff, and I kne

d in time how shy he was, and stopped myself. But I ran to him and jumped up quite quietly, and h

g them in a bag which he had brought with him. Every now and then he would stop and listen, and then he would start moving round

ed would tickle me under the ear. And, similarly, some men are shy and some men are mixers. I quite appreciated that, but I couldn't help feeling that the man carried shyness to a point where it became morbid. And he didn't give himself a chance to cure himself of it. That was the point. Imagine a man hating to meet people so much that he never visited their houses till the midd

to know very well, but we had been together for quite a while,

, was the easiest man to get along with in the world. Nobody could be shy with Fred. I felt that if only I could bring him and the man together, they would get along splendidly, and it would teach

, but after a while he would see that I had ac

it, but would be out of the window and away before Fred could get there. What I had to do was to go to Fr

eeling in a corner with his back to me, putting something in h

I scratched gently, and then harder, till I heard th

ed. 'Come on downstairs. I want

e was quit

aid, 'coming and spoili

ou

rted to go back

ownstairs. He got in through the window. I want you to meet him. He'

en he broke off suddenly and listened. We could

ing something. He didn't say any more but started

is bag. I was just going to introduce Fred,

have bit

, you chump?' I said 'I told you

d possible. He just flew out. I called after him that it was only Fred and me, but

ing like a perfect ass. Naturally the man had been frightened with him carrying on in that way. I jumped out of the

uld not have gone far, or I should have heard him. I started to sniff roun

ight. I followed the trail, and it ended at a large cedar-tree, not far from the

t was only Fred. He's an old pal of mine. He works at the place wh

I began to think I mus

d Fred say to his fathe

of someone moving in

I shouted. 'He

he dog's fou

ere. Come along

o the foot

' he said, 'co

und from

ed, 'he is up there, but he

ou want to. But I'm going to shoot off t

d to come down. As soon

ed up

d 'Here's my friend F

after him, carrying his gun. And when they got into the house it was just the same. The man sat in one chair, and Fred sat

introduced him to the man. However, Fred's father produced some cold ham-my favourite dish-and gave me quite a lot of it, so I stopped worrying over the thing. As mother used to say, 'Don't bother your head about what doesn't concern yo