Three Men in a Boat

ing companion.-A married woman deserts her home.-Further provision for getting upset.-I pack.-Cuss

d the food quest

a frying-pan"-(Harris said it was indigestible; but we merely urged him not to be a

ith a significant look;

to the rudder, impregnating the whole boat and everything in it on its way, and it oozed over the river, and saturated the scenery and spoilt the atmosphere. Sometimes a westerly oily wind blew, and at other times an easterly oily wi

e sunset; and as for the moonbeams,

hole town was full of oil. We passed through the church-yard, and it seemed as if the people had been buried in oil. The High Street stunk of oi

th (we had been swearing for a whole week about the thing in an ordinary, middle-class way, but this was a swell

that is bad enough. You get methylated pie and methylated cake. But methylated spirit

eat, bread and butter, and jam-but no cheese. Cheese, like oil, makes too much of itself. It wants the whole boat to itself. It goes through the hamper, and gives a cheesy flavour

at might have been warranted to carry three miles, and knock a man over at two hundred yards. I was in Liverpool at the time, and my friend said that if I didn't mind he

dear boy," I repli

nd we started off at a shamble that would have done credit to the swiftest steam-roller ever built, and all went merry as a funeral bell, until we turned the corner. There, the wind carried a whiff from the cheeses full on to our steed. It woke him up, and, with

not think they would have done it, even then, had not one of the men had the prese

ain was crowded, and I had to get into a carriage where there were already seven other people. One crusty old gentleman objected, b

and then the old gen

e in here,

ive," said the

ectable married woman should be harried about in this way, and gathered up a bag and eight parcels and went. The remaining four passengers sat on for a while, until a solemn-looking man in the corner, who, from

over a little thing. But even he grew strangely depressed after we had started, and so, when we reached Crewe, I asked him to come and have a drink. He accepted, and we fo

I said, turnin

rth of brandy, neat, if you

had drunk it and got into anoth

long, plenty of room." "All right, Tom; we'll get in here," they would shout. And they would run along, carrying heavy bags, and fight round the door to get in first. And one would open the door and

end's house. When his wife came into the room

t? Tell me

sa

em in Liverpool, and asked m

g to do with me; and she said that she was sure of that, b

he expected; and, three days later, as he hadn't

say about th

y were to be kept in a moist place

sa

to touch them. Ha

added that he seemed g

queried, "if I gave a man a soverei

thought he would

truck her

hem for him? Let me se

, we must consider others. The lady under whose roof I have the honour of residing is a widow, and, for all I know, possibly an orphan too. She has a strong, I may say an eloquent, objection to being wh

s, that I shall take the children and go to an hotel until those chees

d, "What smell?" and who, when taken close to the cheeses and told to sniff hard, said she could detect a faint odour

bit of cheese, but it was beyond his means; so he determined to get rid of them. He threw them into the canal; but had to fish them out again, as the bargemen complained. They

deprive him of his living

beach. It gained the place quite a reputation. Visitors said they had never noticed before how str

fore, I hold that George was

ell at this); "but we'll have a good round, square, sl

en stuff. For drink, we took some wonderful sticky concoction of Harris's, which you mixed with wate

h on the getting-upset idea. It seemed to

ad we took

glass in the evening when you are doing a mouch round the town and looking at the girls is all righ

t them all together, and met in the evening to pack. We got a big Gladstone for the clothes, and a couple of hampers for the victuals and the c

d I'd

y of these subjects there are.) I impressed the fact upon George and Harris, and told them that they had better leave the whole matter entirely to me. They fell into the sugges

ons, I pushing them aside every now and then with, "Oh, you-!" "Here, let me do it." "There you are, simple enough!"-really teaching them, as you might say. T

es, wherever I went. He said it did him real good to look on at me, messing about. He said it made him feel that life was not an idle dream to be gaped and yawned through,

rking. I want to get up and superintend, and walk round with my hands in my

eemed a longer job than I had thought it was going to be; but

to put the boots

said a word until I'd got the bag shut and strapped, of course. And George laughed-one of th

close it, a horrible idea occurred to me. Had I packed my tooth-brush? I do

t out of bed and hunt for it. And, in the morning, I pack it before I have used it, and have to unpack again to get it, and it is always the last thing I turn out of

they must have been before the world was created, and when chaos reigned. Of course, I found George's and Harris's eighteen times over, but I

, and found that I had packed my tobacco-pouch in it, and had to re-open it. It got shut up finally at 10.5 p.m., and then there remained the hampers to do. Harris said

eorge is hanged, Harris will be the worst packer in this world; and I looked at the piles of plates and cups, and kettles,

the first thing they did. They did that just to sho

op of a tomato and squashed it, and they h

irritated them more than anything I could have said. I felt that. It made them nervous and excited, and they stepped on things, and put things behind

hey did. After George had got it off his slipper, they tried to put it in the kettle. It wouldn't go in, and what was in wouldn't come out. They

own on that chair," said Geor

yself, not a minut

ooking for it; and then they met again i

y thing I ever hea

rious!" s

und at the back of

l the time," he exc

ed Harris, s

you!" roared Georg

off, and packed

orn at. If he can squirm in anywhere where he particularly is not wanted, and be a perfect nuisance,

an hour, is his highest aim and object; and, when he has succe

e reached out their hand for anything, it was his cold, damp nose that they wanted. He put his leg into the jam, and he worried the teaspoons,

ke that don't want any encouragement. It's the natural, origin

en. George said that if anything was broken it was broken, which reflection seemed to comfort him. He also sai

and Harris had to sl

the inside or t

y preferred to sl

said it

ge s

hall I wake

is s

ev

sa

e I wanted to wr

over it, but at last split the d

6.30, Geor

en asleep for some time; so we placed the bath where he could tumb