Three Men on the Bummel

ion combined with Amusement"-Problem: say what should be considered instructive and what amusing-A popular game-Expert opinion on English law-Another of

herwise promising union result in disappointment and dismay, purely in consequence of the false estimate formed by bride or bridegroom concerning the imagined pe

nie; I hae nae siller to

hae yourse

g else, lassie. I'm nae but a p

a lad mair ill-looking

s, and I'm just a-think

an ane that would be a speirin' at the lassies, a-br

the most feathers to fly in the kailyard. I was ever a lad to run after the pet

eart, Davie! an' ye love

o' when I hae my ain way, an' naethin' happens to put me oot. But I hae the deevil's ain temper, as my m

Ye're an honest lad. I ken ye better than ye k

a keep awa' frae the glass; an' when the scent of the whusky comes to me it's just as though I h

guid man when ye'

at, Jennie, if I'

wi' me, Davie, a

yet Jennie; but dinna ye clack aboot work

Davie? As the minister says,

hae ower muckle even o' that. We're a' weak, sinfu' creatures, Jennie, an'

mises to a puir lassie, only to break 'em an' her heart wi' 'em. Ye speak

in of her bargain. Whether she ever did or did not-for women do not invariably order their tongues according to logic, nor men

I wish here conscientiously to let forth its shortcomings

useful informat

e Black Forest would probably lose himself before he got to the Nore. That, at all events, would be the best

ion as my forte. This belief was not inborn with

married world. We told our subscribers how to make fortunes by keeping rabbits, giving facts and figures. The thing that must have surprised them was that we ourselves did not give up journalism and start rabbit-farming. Often and often have I proved conclusively from authoritative sources how a man starting a rabbit farm with twelve selected rabbits and a little judgment must, at the end of three years, be in receipt of an income

o reach from London to Rome, which must have been useful to anyone desirous of laying down a line of red herrings from London to Rome, enabling him to order in the right quantity at

er been able to understand. It had nothing to do with the proper subject of the book whatever; there was no suggestion that you could make anything savoury out of a cat, even when you had cured it of its fits. The authoress had just thrown in this paragraph out of pure generosity. I can only say that I wish she had left it out; it was the cause of a deal of angry correspondence and of the loss of four subscribers to the paper, if not more. The man said the result of followin

ave been the proper place for the operation; no one but an idiot

ung men how to acquire easy grace in drawing-rooms. We taught dancing to both sexes by the aid of diagrams. We solved thei

Household Decorations-with Designs" a column of "Literary Counsel to Beginners"-I sincerely hope my guidance was of better service to them than it has ever proved to myself; and our weekly article, "Straight Talks to Young Men," signed "Uncle Henry." A kindly, genial old fellow was "Uncle Henry," with wide and varied experience, and a sympathetic attitude towards the rising gene

e and a half of "Fashionable Intelligence," written in the pertly personal style which even yet has not altogether disappeared, so I am informed, from modern journalism: "I must tell you about the divine frock I w

e inkstains on it. Perhaps a day at "Glorious Goodwood," or anywher

other's funeral, and only laughing good-naturedly when his mistakes were pointed out to him-wrote with the aid of a cheap encyclopedia the pages devoted to "General Informati

ok and cane. We play it when babies, we play it when boys and girls, we play it when men and women, we play it as, lean and slippered, we totter towards the grave. It never palls upon, it never wearies us. Only one thing mars it: the tendency of one and all of the other six children to clamour for their turn with the book and the ca

disinclination to be the vehicle of useful informat

e all necessary precaution against accident. What more could I have done? Ten days afterwards a florid-faced lady called at the office, leading by the hand what, she explained, was her son, aged twelve. The boy's face was unimpressive to a degree positively remarkable.

rally curly hair," remarked the lady. She spoke with a

ened to him?"

a copy of our last week's issue, with my article on hydrogen gas scored in

oonist'?" que

ed the lady, "the poor innoce

ow again," sugg

tinuing to rise, "and maybe it won't. What I wa

self to words. It appears she was not thinking of a hair wash, but of compensation. She also made observations on th

urged the chief-he was a mild-mannered man;

Why, for two pins," said the lady, with a suddenness that sent us both flying like scuttled chickens behind our respective chairs, "I'd come round and make your head like it!"

e would have had no case; but our chief was a man who had had experience o

feel I should, though not a fighting man, do my best to protect it. If, on the other hand, he should assert his intention of trying to ob

have represented a month's profits on the paper; and she departed, taking her dam

ou are distinctly good; but don't try your hand any more on 'Useful Information.' As I have said, it is not your fault.

erland, or is nearly shipwrecked off Dover. If I counsel him in the purchase of a camera, he gets run in by the German police for photographing fortresses. I once took a deal of trouble to explain to a man how to marry his deceased wife's sister at

g of information; therefore it is that nothing in the nature of pract

towns, no historical reminisce

ligent foreigner what

t is a very

struck you m

ed: "The

r towns-Paris, Rome, Berlin

. "It is bigger," he said

ruggling with big burdens; those but basking in the sun. So many granaries stored with food; so many cells where the little things sleep, and eat, and love; the corner where lie their little white bones. This

e found herein f

ng. I will tell you the plot; you can turn i

d there came a lad, wh

er him well. So also the dwellers of the Blue Alsatian Mountains remember his coming among them; while, if my memory serves me truly, he likewise vi

Take a human heart or two, assorted; a bundle of human passions-there are not many of them, half a dozen at the most; season with a mixture of good and evil; flavour the whole with

stance, to describe to the best of his ability the things that he had seen. Dr. Johnson, familiar with little else than the view down Fleet Street, could read the description of a Yorkshire moor with pleasure and with profit. To a cockney who had never seen higher ground than the Hog's Back in Surrey, an account of Snowdon must have appeared exciting. But we, or rather the steam-engine and the camera for us, have ch

ge, Southey, and Wordsworth put together. I also remember his saying concerning this subject of scenery in literature, that he would thank an author as much for writing an eloquent description of what he had just had for dinner. But this was in reference to another argu

the reading of a certain lengthy, but otherwise unobjectionable, poem. The author's name, I am ashamed to say, I have forgotten, together with the title of the poem. The

fessor, encouragingly,

vident reluctance, as though the subject were one which, left to

me in your own words. We do not speak of a maiden, yo

ubstitution apparently increasing his

a wood?" asked

s inkpot carefully, and t

have been reading about this wood for the last ten mi

ir twisted branches"-r

to repeat the poem. I want you to tell me in your own

foot impatiently; the t

t was the usual

a wood," said he, poi

nd passed on to the third, who, for the last minute, had been sitting apparently on hot plates, with his right arm waving up and down like a distracted s

houted the third boy, with

the Professor, with evident approva

as still equal

un could not g

he had discovered t

ter, because the sunbeams could not penetrate.

cause the leaves

y wood, through the leafy canopy of which the sunbeams were unable t

sir, tr

what

sir." This

ools, but on referring to the text he found that

oadstools grew there. And what else? What

sir, ea

rows in a wood

e, sir, bu

tting on. In this wood there were

dividually, was occupying his leisure playing noughts and crosses against himself. Vexed and bewildered, but feeling it neces

nted the Professor, who prided himself on his ready wit. This

in the middle; "what else was there i

there was a

and what did t

sir, it

eams gurgle,

r, s

And what m

ntellect, I admit-suggested the girl. To help us

did it

have been a cowardly torrent to make such a noise about a little thing like this; a pluckier torrent, we felt, would have got up and gone on, saying n

wood beside the girl?"

sir, bi

ved in this wo

to have exhau

"what are those animals wi

hile, then one of

nothing about cats; squirrels was w

t. In places where there occurred an opening among the trees you could by looking up see the sky above y

at the time, I cannot now, understand why the top boy's summary was not sufficient. With all due deference to the poet, whoev

ges concerning its rocky gorges and its smiling valleys, its pine-clad slopes, its rock-crowned summits, its foaming rivulets (where the

s-or weak-minded enough-not to do so, I should, all said and done, succeed in conveying to yo

formation consists chiefly of variegated sandstone and granite; its lower heights being covered with extensive pine forests. It is well watered with numerous s