White Teeth

a red ball off the side cushion andinto the corner pocket, is immediately disappointed to find the place is neither Irish nor a poolhouse. He will survey the

map of the ArabEmirates knotted together and hung from wall to wall, partitioning him from the rest of thecustomers. Then he will become aware of several pairs of eyes upon him, some condescending,s

ommunity; it takes years of devotedfucking around, time-wasting, laying-about, shooting the breeze, watching paint dry far morededication than men invest in the

ation to the prices of plumbers. And women. Hypothetical women. If a woman walked pastthe yolk-stained window of O'Connell's (a woman had never been known to venture inside) theywould smile and speculate depending on Samad's religious sensibilities that evening on matters asfar reaching as whether one would kick her out of bed in a hurry, to the relative merits of stockingsor tights, and then on, inevitably, to the great debate: small breasts (that stand up) vs big breasts(that flop to the sides). But there was never

in a

o the cuticle and collapsed on the counter, nose squished up against the hot glass wherethe battered

wing each customer's name andknowing when each customer was out

old, same old. But enough about me. What's

minute you stepped in here. Face as long as

f the service industry, I'mservice with a fucking smile, I'd wea

metaphor. Mickey had a very large head, almost as if his

?"Samad looked up at

tions, naturally."Samad sighed. "We have much to discuss."Mickey rolled his eyes. "You ain't starting on that Mangy Pandy whateverthefuckitis again, areyou? Who shot who, and who hung who, my gran dad ruled the Pakis or whateverthefuckitwas, asif any poor fucker gives a flying fuck. You're driving the custom away. You're creating' Mickeyflicked through his new bible, Food for Thought: A G

ever spent. Talking of moolah, you 'having a fl

but a man's gotta live, now. Hasn't he? I mean, hasn't he?""I don't know, Mickey, does he?"

ity of assuming higher status than any other man, which was all very well and goodbut tended to cause confusion in the for

no pig, no drink, no pussy, the fuckin' works, mate there you are, guvnor."Abdul-Mickey pushed a plate of festerin

Finn,down Harrow Road way, and I says, "Oi, Abdul-Colin, this is a fucking turn-up

ll Archibald I am sitting in the booth behind the pinball when he comesin. Oh, and my usual.""No problemo, mate."About ten minutes later the door went and Mickey looked up f

. Someone wants to get a Poop-a-Scoop and clean him up."Archie put his suitcase on the counter and furrowed his brow. "In a bad way, is he? Betweenyou and me, Mickey, I'm really worried about him.""Go tell it to the fu

rchie walked down the l

rian Jamaicans. Denzelwas impossibly fat, Clarence was horribly thin, their families had both died, th

How you expec' 'im to see any little ting?"Archie took it on the chin as it was meant and slipped into the booth, op

do? I said, "Hello, sons. Say hello to Miss Burt Jones"And what did they say?""They said hello.""And what did you say?""Archibald, do you think I could simply tell you what occurred without this constant inaneinterjection?""CHIPS, BEANS, EGG, TOMATO "AND MUSHROOM!""Sam, that's yours.""I resent that accusation. It is not mine. I never order tomato. I do not want some poor peeledtomato boiled to death, then fried to death"Well, it's not mine. I asked for omelette.""Well, it is not mine. Now: may I continue?""With pleasure.

choice to make, a choice of morality." Samad lowered hisvoice, and even before he spoke Archie knew to what he was about to refer. "You have made hardchoices yourself, Archie, many years ago. You hide it well, but I know you have n

re from dragging up that which

ou understand my situation. Then

my children to grow up in? You

e sense of Samad's speeches than he had forty

I try.""That good is it?""No, well, that is not strictly .. . what

we embrac

ly speaking,

m, Archie. I can see it it is small now but it is growing. I tellyou, I don't know what is happening to our children in this country

e nothing but trouble. They won't go to mosque,they don't pray, they speak strangely, they dress strangely, they eat all kinds of rubbish, they haveintercourse with God knows who. No respect for tradition. People call it assimilation when it isnothi

unter. "AbdulMickey!" he yelled, his voice assuminga slight, comic, cockney twinge. "Over here, m

round here, gentlemen. This ain't the fuckingWaldorf.

under his breath, as he push

on about tradition again. He's

. I don't really know what to sayto him.""Don't have to tell me, mate

he fucking car, if that's the way you feel about it. I mean, why? "E says it's som mink todo wiv some fucking Beetle Boys or some such bollocks. Well, I says to him, that lot are dead asshit if I ge

lationship between cafeowner and cafe customer you tell Samad he has tw

ted Archie, nicking a

d mums have 'em learn about their fucking culture, have 'em grow up with somefucking principles. Or one minut

look strange,

poison us,"

look peculiar,

a good man with de dev

egg slice down on D

t a new fucking routine, all rig

f, weak man," muttered Denzel, as the

glish now, mate. Like it or lump it, asthe rhubarb said to the custard. And that'll be two fifty, Archibald, my good man. The golden age ofLuncheon Vouchers is over."The golden age of Luncheon Vouchers ended ten years ago. For ten years Mickey had beensaying, "The

chie smiled serenely and stole another chip. "Problem solved, Samad, mate.""Problem solved?""Problem solved. Now, the way I see it, you have two options ..."Around the beginning of this century, the Queen of Thailand was aboard a boat, floating alongwith her many courtiers, manservants, maids, feet-bathers and food tasters, when suddenly the sternh

robbing vein and a needle, traditionis a far homelier concoction: poppy seeds ground into tea; a sweet cocoa drink laced with cocaine;the kind of thing your grandm

te for his boys roots on shore, deeproots that no storm or gale could displace. Easier said than done. He was in Poppy's poky little flat,going through his own household accounts, when it became obvious to him that he had more sonsthan money. If he was to send them back, he would need two dowries for the grandparents, twoamounts for the schooling, two amounts for the clothes. As it was he could barely cover both airfares. Poppy had said: "What about your wife? She's from a rich family isn't she?" But Samadhad not yet revealed his

hips, beans, egg and mushroom. And one omelett

just one of them?"That is what I said. Chop, chop." He divided the f

uldn't peoplejust get on with things, just live together, you know, in peace or har

ly a matter of choosingthe child. For the first week it was going to be Magid, definitely Magid. Magid had the brains,Magid would settle down quicker, learn the language quicker, and Archie had a vested interest inkeeping Millat in thecountry because he was the best striker Willesden Athletic FC (un

s favourite, and he wanted to watch him grow older, and Millat was the one more in need ofmoral direct

d pen palHorst Ibelgaufts wrote the following letter, which Archie, familiar now with

the chop and removed that old oak treefrom the far corner and I cannot begin to describe to you the difference it has made! Now theweaker seeds are receiving so much more sun and are so healthy I am able even to make cuttingsfrom them -for the first year in my memory each of my

am meant to divine fromthis precisely .. . what?"Archie tapped the side

ys) suddenly took an interest, claiming to have just sensed ina dream that it should be Magid and so it was Magid once more. Samad, in his desperation, evenallowed Archie to flip a coin, but the decision was hard to stick by best out of three,

hould be made clear. At no poin

d booked a3 a.m. flight. But it was in no wayself-evident to him that these two facts were related or would combine to spell out kidnap. So itwas with surprise that Samad greeted the vision of a violently weeping Alsana, at 2 a.m. on 31October, hunched over the kitchen table. He did not think, Ah, she has discovered what I am to do

m having to come back to your melodramatics?"Alsana convulsed with tears. Samad noticed too that a gurgle sound was emanatin

tears). "Please, Alsana: surely this is an overreaction."She waved her hand at him once more as if to dismiss him and then l

at on

toturn it up. Four familiar beeps, the beeps that follow the English into whatever land they

t of open mutiny as she walked inthe garden of her New Delhi home. There is no doubt that her murder was an act of revenge for"Operation Blue Star', the stor

thetic. I wonder: wherewould those tears be if / died? Nowhere you care more about some corrupt politician you nevermet. Do you know you are the perfect example of the ignorance of the masses, Alsi? Do you knowthat?" he said, talking as if to a child a

r my friends. There will be bloodon the streets back home because

die in the streets,Samad. You know and I know. And Delhi will be the worst of it,

because it was many yearssince he had been referred to as a bhainch

father ignores them and bullies them, yes, but at least theywill not die on the streets like rats."So this was going to be one of those

of you! Look how fat you are!" He grabbed a piece of her, and then released it as if itwould infect him. "Look how you dress. Running shoes and a said? And what is that?"It was one of Clara's African head

did you go all the way to Bengal for a wife, that's what theyask. Why didn't you just go to Putney?"Alsana smiled ruefully,

said bitterly, nodding in thedirection of his blue-to welling

is leftbreast bone. "You say you are thankful we are in England, that's because you have swa

n danger! Clara tells me about you, she tells me. How you have asked herstrange things. What are you plotting, Samad? I h

u are alread

mad. You are trying to drive m

hirty. It is two in the morning. I am notmad!""No, it is

as trying to concentrate his attention on t

be talking to, comeam Mahshar. You, Samad Miah. You, you, you." *1Second round. Samad slapped Alsana. Alsana right hooked him in the stomach and thenfollowed up with a

a moment he was on his knees again. Theymade a grab for each other's hair, Samad determined to pull until he saw blood. But this leftAlsana's knee free and it connected swiftly with Samad's crotch, forcing him to release the hair andswing a blind flier me

ing in the light. "I bet you two orange lollies Amma'sgoing to kick the shit out of him.""Ooooooo!" cried the twins in unison,

k in the morning, can get a decent night

omewherebetween affection and collapse)Samad came in from the garden, still mildly con

mistry set after all. "You'll thank me inthe end. This country's no good. We tear each other apart in this country."Then he walked up the stairs and pho

ple stumbling around dazed missing pieces of themselves; body parts taken fromMuslim by Sikh, from Sikh by Hindu; legs, fingers, noses, toes and teeth, teeth everywhere,scattered throughout the land, minglin

the foreign news while some of us have a living to make, and an affair to forget, and achild to abduct. He

ish, prettyish girl, dark, Span

she was getting off at Kilburn. But she kept onlike that, just sitting, crying;West Hampstead, Finchley Road, Swiss Cottage, St. John's Wood. Th

ith loss. That kind of flowing, feminine misery. He hadexpected something similar of Poppy, somehow; he had picked up the phone expecting gentle,rhythmic tears and later on letters, maybe, scented and stained. And in her grief he would havegrown, as Neil was probably doing at this moment; her grief would have been

e's angry with, is it?"Samad sh

ou've told me, she's a classic case, mate, classic.""Well, I have other concerns now," muttered Samad (privatelycalculating that his children would by now be safely tucked in at the Joneses' sleepover, that itwas two more hours before Archie would need to wake Magid, leaving Millat to sleep on). "Familyconcerns.""No time!" cried Ardashir, who had crept up from behind, imperceptibly as ever, to examine thebattlements of Samad's castles. "No time for family con