As Seen By Me

, "then you must go to 'The Insular,' in Piccadilly. That is not only the smartest hotel in London, but it is the most typically British. The rooms are let from season to season to the best

goes by my name, "that is what we

s, and then telegraphed f

ay, which shows the vast superiority of going on a fast boat, which gets

our mountainous American trunks on it. We filled the top of this bus as full as it would hold, and put ev

in livery, the head one of whom said, "Miss Columbia?" I admitted it, and we were ushered in, wher

ring if they were trying to trip me in

re presently," said this pe

e the hou

lumbia?"

es," patiently, stan

ugh to come with me I wi

this little cubbyhole was, but as there seemed to be nowhere else to go, I went in. The others followed, then the man who had bounced out. He closed the door and shut us in, where we stood in solemn

elevator?" I whisp

a lift over here,"

ently. "But is this thing it? Are

ear. They are slower

ays to be wholly trusted, but this time it happened that she was right

The two rooms were there. "Where is the bath?" I said. The housekeeper lovingly, removed a gigantic crash towel from a hideous tin object, and proudly

th her umbrella, which in our sign

rather meekly. "Hav

good,

t necessities of life. We were tired and lame and sleepy from a night spent at the pi

hey brought us a hatful of the vilest soft coal,

a fire, only to find that there was nothing to sit on

hampers, packed with steamer-rugs and pillows, and my sister sat on hers while I took another turn at the bell. While the maid is answer

er and I prepared to let ourselves down the fire-escape. But we soon discovered that those flying feet belonged to the poor maid, whom that gong had signalled that she was wanted on the fourth floor. She flew to a speaking-tube and asked who on t

in the house. Then easy-chairs, we said, or anything cushioned or

h a pillow at her back to keep from being cut in two. I propped my back against the was

ister, impressive

f an hour, but I had alre

where they take Americans," I sa

nsular" was on the end of th

the least homesick, we went downstairs. One of ou

we go?" ask

g to the first hot

Hotel for Cats and Dogs." This simple solution of our difficulty put us in such hig

re mere preliminaries to the Europe, which began then. People told me in America how my heart would swell at this, and how I would thrill at that, but it was not so. My first real th

w it struck them? No. When I try to tell Americans over here they look at me curiously and say, "Dear me, how odd!" The way they say it leaves me to draw any one of three conclusions: either

your eyes, but you are afraid if you do that you will miss something. You cannot eat and you cannot sleep, and you feel that you have two consciousnesses: one which belongs to the life you have lived hitherto, and which still is going on, somewhere in the world, unmindful of you, and you unmindful of it; and the other is this new bliss whic

so she had the power of speech. Occasionally she prodded me and cried, "Look, oh! look quickly." But I never swerved. "I can't

nd the shops I s

xactly the way

iss," h

k precisely

something, miss

st an impression, and I m

d, miss,"

I have lost my orang-outang. Look for him!" an imperturbable Br

"In this way," I said to my sister, "we both get a c

gan to locate impressions. My first distinct recollections are of the great numbers of high hats on the men, the ill-hanging skirts and big feet of the women, the unsteadying effect of all those thousands of cabs, carriages, an

n spoken to. But let one little blue-coated man raise his forefinger and every vehicle on wheels stops, and stops instantly; stops in obedience to law and order; stops without swearing or gesticulating or abuse; stops with no

ismissed one who dared to drive even the royal carriage on in defi

lessly addicted to my own country, but I must admit

out a plan by which we may evade them. America is suffering, as all republics must of necessity suffer, from liberty

we afraid of our Senators, our chief rulers? No. But we are afraid of our servants, of our street-car conductors. We are afraid of sleeping-car porters, and the drivers of huge trucks. We are afraid they will dr

e respect for the white ladies of the North. "Case dey don' know how to treat black folks, honey." "Why don't they?" I persisted. "Are they not kind to you?" "Umph," she responded (and no one who has never heard a fa

ed so well at first, and presently, without any outward disrespect, our w

stioned our sweet English friends, and they, with much delicacy and many apologies, a

ver night." Our English friends tried not to smile in a superior way, and they succeeded, only I knew the

. "I am going to try it," I said, fi

y. And so she could. My sister never plumes

e tone and everything?"

ait an

the bell, and she looked at herself in the glass and

ll if you like,"

and then rang the bell h

n One hand and a pitcher of hot water i

ou don't have to do it your

and say 'please' before you have finished," I s

said, "Look sharp, now," the maid said, "Thank you." I thought I should die. I was so much interested in the dramatic possibilities of my cherished sister that when the door closed behind the maid we simply looked

that?"

Queen couldn't have done i

complaisantly, as one who should s

were," I sai

t I, t

mble sh

n't

le and determined as a real E

I

tion on my part. Then she said

now

so dead

ly to servants." I sa

. You either grovel at their

," I admitt

rand, wasn't

akably

American

day I took up a handful of what had once

rown! I believe I am

lish point of view. I want something to eat-something that I like. I want a beefsteak, with mushrooms, and some potatoes au g

sidered very good," I

n counts, I should like to know, when you ar

for breakfast when they are having grape-fruit at home? And then their vile aspic jellies and potted

much better. But lot's take lodgings. I've heard that they were lovely.

over here to ec

for our money, but we are not. Besides, when you get to

fascinating than those i

h mo

ing, than B

which always characterizes her tone when she speaks of Paris. The very

grave with me, and when I won't do the crown jewels in the Tower with her,

" I said. "I have the addresse

g her hat on before the mirror, and turning her

t want these harpies to think we are 'rich Americans' (how I have come

me with genu

r, you are really

so seldom that she finds anyt

," she cautioned, as we rang a bell.

rwards and got into the cab w

e," said she, severely. "Y

m. They had only one drawing-room in the house; could we have that? Yes, we could. So we took their whole first floor, and made them promise to serve our br

in such a hurry. If you like a thing, and anybody says you may have it for fifty, yo

t thoughts," I urged. "Second thoughts are alw

my sister, witheringly. "

arming, and that they were cheap, for I told how much w

king around on the drab walls and the dun-colored ca

ony, so that you could put daisies around t

on are so pretty with their flowers.

write the home letter to-day if it

e balcony and window-boxes filled. My sister helped me to place them, but when her back was turned I arranged

r. I thought they took rather too violent an interest in our affairs, but I said nothing until one day after we had been set

nd when I told her she said that that made them come to fourpence apiece, and that they were very dea

opened the pac

things on the mahogany tables. It's just because we are Americans! She never w

spectful; tell her we are ve

dn't care

rich relations and quite a nu

oo

to her, and then she will know that we belong to the very highest society. But w

editated, a

tisfied to think we are paying much less, and we are twice as comfortable as we were at the hotel; a

of hooks in her closet. "We do have more room, and I think our d

" she added, "to ask all t

then we can weed them out afterward

have asked in

the Boston tea-party. We will give them the first strawberries of the season, and plenty of tea

ave to go to the bank to-day? You know

said, cheerfully; "I a

on the breakfast-tray. I opened it, then shrieked

the matter?" she cried. "Has

oals, washing bed-linen, washing table-linen, washing towels, kitchen fires, service, oil for three lamps, afternoon tea,

l, and buried her face in th

," I said; "I

you goin

find out what

pull that she broke the wire

ief around your hand and give the wire a jerk. Give

maid

nts to Mrs. Black, and ask h

ame back

ns that you complained that the coffee was muddy, and after

s. No, no, I forgot; those are Mrs. Black's salts.

here is sixpence not to tell Mrs. Black anything." Then when Martha dis

. "But Martha has a sense

bout it. But what are you g

and then pay it like a true American. Would you have me up

k was quite haughty, and made me feel like a chimney-

er how long it would take to drive to a house in West End, she sai

were invited there?" ask

the house, and she said it was open to the

solence of that woman! And you actually thin

notably English people trying to enjoy themselves. Then the men began t

ce took charge of the Duke, while Reggie said to me,

, I am afraid. Why? W

gdon and me and asked

ingdon to wipe his shoes?

us, turned back and said, 'My good woma

most died of Mrs. Black already to-da

to pieces. That's the way to talk to 'em. I told my landlady in Edinburgh once that I'd chuck her out of the window if she spoke to me until she was spoke

age of us because we are Amer

her. They're a set of thieves, the whole of 'em. I sa

pprehensively at my sister, but fortunately she had not heard me. "That is one of the pictures from Trut

States are away ahead of us-i

before. I didn't know you ever admitt

ably. He ignored my of

ine. I'm asked, and Freddie and his

. Black without saying a word to any one. When I ca

ve you done? I knew you were

t was the Duke of Abingdon,' I said, sternly, well knowing the unspeakable reverence which the middle-class English have for a title. She turned purple. She fell back aga

ichmond with Julia and her husband, and another American girl, and then Julia's husband was going to row us

o sat opposite to us. They had serious faces, and long, consumptive teeth, which they never succeeded in completely hiding. I knew just how they would look when they were dead; I knew that those two long front tee

in funerals again. And the sale lasts only one week. Everybody told me before I came away to get what I wanted at the moment I saw it; not to wait, thinking I would come back. So unless we order o

ee serious creatures opposite rise as if pulled by one string, look in an anxious way at me and then at the sign, w

emed to be at all glad that we were there or that we were rising to the occasion. When we

ey've put down a new

All the covers had been removed from their sacred furniture. Brass andirons replaced the old ones. The piano had a new cover. There wa

that as long as you did not understand about the extras, it would be

erveless fingers. Mrs. Black picked it up

better. Here are some periodicals I sent to the library for, thinking you might like to look at them, and I pu

d of her I made a few ra

tay over here two years. Let's bu

but the fact is we are homesick-wretchedly, bitterly homesick. I remember how, when other people have been here and written that they were homesick, I have sniffed

the odors in Chicago, and have hated the Illinois Central turnstiles. But if I could be back in Americ

nly the novelty is not yet worn off of this marvellous London. We like individually nearly every one who

not cause a ripple of excitement or interest-unless Royalty noticed your action. Then London would tread itself to death in its efforts to see and hear you. But if an Englishman entered a packed theatre on his hands with his feet in the air, and thus proceeded to make the rounds of the house, the audience would only give one glance, just to make sure that it

each other, and minding everybody's business as well as our own, it makes us very ho

I mean. Fortunately for us we have found a few of these different sorts, and they have kept us from suicide. They warned us of the differences w

rica.' It offends me to be called 'the States' quite as mu

if you were Am

" I re

cans come over here nationally.

ad always regarded as an Englishman that I forgot my manners

was Irish

hake hands with me again. I knew you wer

lau

of course. But I am a typical

ical. That was really a cleve

on. I always get the worst of an argument, so I tried to take his mind

enjoy ourselves and to like America. Here we will only do our duty by you if you bring letters

s of aversion for England as a n

you, introduces you to the people he thinks you would most care to meet, and tells them who and what you are; sees t

had a good time, and if you

all the time, and so does every

him take all that trouble for you. I know, too, without your telling me, that he introduced you to all the prettiest girls, and gave you

that. How d

n host, God bless him, and that i

we take a man to dine, and then to some reception, w

way of doing!" I

st seem barba

do

where you like. Or we send you invitations to go to needlewo

hing, and

that to you," he excl

s and teas, and I have been introduced to as charming people

but that's jolly! Fancy what you said when you bega

d. Then he roared. Yet he clai

went on. "You mustn't

We are having

when the truth

homesick. The play was most amusing, yet we couldn't help watching the audience. Such a bored-looking set, the women with frizzled hair held down by invisible nets, mingling with their eyebrows, and done hideously in the back. Low-necked gowns, exhibiting the most beautifu

nd Regent Street, and at Church Parade in the Park, with high, French-heeled slippers over colored stocki

assive faces of the audience. They never smiled. They never laughed. The subtlest points in the play went un

f the homesickness that was weighing us down, to

e? Wh

he pit, talking to that bald-h

dubiously. I couldn't see her feet. "S

l. See how thin she is. The

"How animated it is. See how it seems t

e how stolid that creature looks tha

ocle in his other eye in his effort to see the point. He will get it by t

eyed me

as if you could

and drop over into the lap of that fat elephant

gly. "But if you struck her just right you would

r o'clock in Ch

mptly turned

se she wrote me she always did it at this time), and then he will say, 'Tattah,' which is the sweetest baby word for 'Auntie' I ever heard from mortal lips, and then he will kiss it of his own accord. Mamma wrote that he had blistered it with his kisses, and it's one of the bi

, from the depths of her handkerchief. "Y

d, I couldn't stop. That deadly English atmos

five minutes you would give everything on earth you had? That was the way I felt about Billy that grewsome night at this amusing play in an English theatre. I had on my best clothes, but after

found what a relief it was, I realized the truth of what our old negro cook used to say when I was a child in the South, and asked her why she howled and cri

when their feelings get the better of them! Civi

e cabby an extra sixpence when one takes a cab late at night, so, on alighting in front of our flower-trimmed lodgings, I

the despised shilling in

dress! You ought to 'a' gone in a 'bus! A cab's too expensiv

laughter which my sister in no wise shared with me. Poor Bee! Things like that jar her so that she can't get any

wonder if that man beats his wife, or if he just converses w

I left my native land, it is worth while to realize the truth

ow, and most other acute pains, attack only one set of nerves. But Heimweh hurts all over. There is not a muscle of the body, nor the most remote fibre of the brain, nor a tissue of the heart that does not ache with it. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You can't read or write or talk. It begins with the pro

me that she spent the first year over here in tears. Nothing that friends can do, no amount of kindness or hospitality avails as a preventive. You can take bromides and cure insomnia. You can take chloroform, and enough of it will prevent seasickness, but nothing avails for Heimweh. And like pride, "let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall." I have been in the midst of an animated, recital of how homesick I had been the day before, ridiculing myself and my malady with unctuous freedom, when suddenly Billy's little face would seem to rise out

d broke bread at their tables. I cannot eat very much at their dinner parties-I am too busy thinking how to parry their attacks on my America, and especially my Chicago, and my West generally. The English adore Americans, but they loathe America, and I, for one, will not accept a divided alleg

a teaspoonful of pavement at a time), or of our beastly winds which tear your soul from your body, but I hope never to sink so low as to