Cobwebs from an Empty Skull

ot rather be buried by an army upon the field

I give

at any one has asked

ve given one: there is a ha

revel in a

w; without revelry there

Idi

at least taught you to call people by their proper tit

out there! Let th

g you w

you beg:

hen stealing is

er the co

, how many orphans h

il an orphan! Ha

iron; I am the

No mor

p me! They have al

ray, have you

be no fool

e somewhat i

ge your claim. Let us submi

ose decision you respe

, the most impartial of w

eculiarly objectiona

hat am I ind

e prevalence of me h

re it not for your quarrels, I should

a clod

e and Christian spirit; and if some other fe

id enough; the

y wear a ca

pardon, and if spared wi

or w

met and

f-skin on those

isdom should be

-W

the veal of which fol

should be garb

more speedily appear for w

w sho

make harness and trappings withal. No on

e, hero, wha

laying two knives

hat are

of drivin

ndane lexi

s to draw his sword, gets it bet

on an army, or a sexton? And will

ictory, how much of the glory goes t

orse cannot appreciate

art of the armament of a Turkish ship was two hundred serpents." In the pursuit of g

soldier would pit a serpent against a

most acute professor of vivisection, employ y

split mass

had been thrown down by the Christians, the Pisans rushed into the breach, b

ave a minute acquaintanc

shame that those feeders should not stir from th

man neglect his busin

t have taken and

elfish g

rows intolerable; I'll hold

dread thy drubs; pity the li

f the things you do but

tongues to silence. But show me

is an

ort, to keep the rubbish outside

I'll part

RS T

ATEFUL

caution that Androcles must not be confounded with the lion. If I had a picture representing Androcles with a silk hat, and the lion with a kn

tor to a comic paper, did not eat him: he was very well satisfied not to be eaten by him. Presently Androcles awoke, wishing he had some seltzer water, or something. (Seltzer water is good after a night's debauch, and something-it is difficult to say what-is good to begin the new debauch with). Seeing the lion eyeing him, he began hastily to pencil his last will and testament upon the rocky floor of the den.

lage, and laying it gratefully at his benefactor's feet. For the first few days something seemed to have gone wrong with the benefactor's appetite, but presently he took very kindly to the new

a literary fashion which has its origin in the generous eagerness of writers to give the public more than

he open door, sent in his card, and was duly admitted to the presence of the lady, who inquired his purpose. By way of "defining his position" he held up his foot, and snuffled very dolorously. The lady adjusted her spectacles,

ging, "but what would her dear departed-boo-hoo!-say of it?" This was very absurd, for Mr. Boo-hoo had seven feet of solid earth above him, and it couldn't make much difference what he said, even supposing he had enough tongue left to say anything, which he had not. How

with one or two pieces of sheet music; but true gratitude does not despise even the humblest means of expression. The succeeding day he came as before; but after being relieved of his torment, he fo

of beast had to be in readiness each day to furnish forth the usual feast, and this prevented multiplication. Most of the textile fabrics, too, had disappeared; for the appetite of this animal was at the same time cosmopolitan and exacting: it would accept almost anything in the way of entremets, but something it would have. A hearthrug, a hall-mat, a cushion, mattress, blanket, shawl, or ot

poor Widow Pinworthy went on, patiently enduring the consumption of her cattle, sheep, and hogs, the evaporation of her poultry, and the taking off of her bed linen, until there were left only the clothing of herself and children, some curtains, a sickly lamb, and a pet pigeon. Whe

ut an increase of unhappiness. She was roused to desperation; and next day, when she saw the bear leaping across the fields toward the house, she staggere

TTING

chieftain, in f

on the o

rless leagues of

wasn't eno

a thumb in hi

tear to the

breaking with

ere a-shrie

hought that a

d to fill

top of his head

e, did this chie

aflame in a

o'er the W

of light were b

of light

"speaking a pie

e this Medic

f bright! O bi

d you from

has been at som

re the em

, cheerfully:

've hoed a mos

the emblem of

the embl

re equals, 't is

eat law gov

et in the oce

ll rise again o

first, and his

rs die!-an

inst him-his luck

assed out"-w

rid of the wor

s rid of his s

OD

Yonsmit was quite young, very comely, cultivated, gracious, and pleasing. Her home was a nest of domestic virtues, but she had a daughter who reflected but little credit upon the nest. Feodora was indeed a "bad egg"-a very wicked and ungrateful egg. You could see she was by her

in luxury, considered labour degrading-which it is-and there was not much to steal in that part of Thuringia. Feodora's mendicity would have provided an ample fu

average was less than tenpence-a sum upon which no born gentlewoman would deign to exist. So it became a matter of some importance to know where Feodora kept her banking account. Madame Yonsmit thought at first she would follow her and s

herself; for those immediately subjoining I am inde

ry, and by not seeking to understate the real difficulties of the case, induced that functionary to offer a reward of a thousand pounds for the arrest of the malefactor. Next he proceeded to a distant town, and took into custody a clergyman who resembled Feodora in respect

rcifully. So he took to meeting Feodora on the highway, and giving her coppers carefully marked. For months he kept this up with wonderful self-sacrifice-the girl being a mere uninteresting angel. He met her daily in the roads and forest. His patience never wearied, his vigilance ne

lars I have from the l

ly. But she managed to endure him until he took to waylaying her on the highway, hanging about her all day, interfering with the customers, and walking home with her at night. Then her dislike deepened into disgust; and but for apprehe

one day the nasty thing put his arm about her waist and kissed her before her very face; then she felt-well, it is not clear how she felt, but of one thing she was quite sure: after having such

this history I l

eft alone in her old age (whenever she should become old), and could patiently submit to the sharper than a serpent's thanks of having a toothless child generally. But to be a mother

D OF IMMO

spread him a

mishing fox

e," quoth he,

ended the gi

religion,' or

n I conv

er and f

p her sk

r naked, to

ice from th

will eat he

pts, and awa

time with co

e suspected, to

thinking, the

guest should b

eastin

"wipe" that woul

ve thought, to

reflecting

t proceed, t

st, an

ntire

rd to the s

and Cunning in

to more than

hese biters

d the muse

urpose she b

en-if she ha

id out in

goat in st

still on he

putably v

nds from a co

ost singular s

nce the butc

race for on

ed her

round,

nctly for

sharp, and the

ncommonly c

t how this

es surpass

g, say you? a

they're none o

too much

this tru

late how th

tamped her fee

he word?-I me

plucked her

pegs where Br

r quaking b

h act could

wear she di

ed pensive

something

voice and a

n murmurs of

a rocket

d streaked it

million ye

since these

peasant at f

renear, is

a phantom b

f branches u

a going when

ep on the per

times in a

e dreaming a d

whiz of a f

aught, and t

aise b

merely stand

f my

y designed

mmortal" to

be, and ski

dreadful

Churches-(

Church of m

st miracle

er up and

ING A P

ohnny would be sticking sixpences into the chimney-pot of a big tin house with "BANK" painted on it in red letters above an illusory door. Or he would put out odd pennies at appalling rates of interest, with his parents, and bank the income. He was never weary of dropping coppers into that insatiable chimney-pot, and leaving them there. In this la

on. He would hold horses for gentlemen who desired to step into a bar to inquire for letters. He would pursue the fleeting pig at the behest of a drover. He would carry water to the lions of a travelling menagerie, or do anything, fo

ered trifles; and if he sometimes found these where nobody had lost them, he made such reparation as was in his power by losing them agai

morning it always turned out that they were not. Then, when the other children cried because they did not get anything, and the parents affected surprise (as if they really believed in the venerable fiction), Johnny was too manly to utter a whimper: he would simply slip out of the back door, and engage in traffic with affluent orphans; disposing of

k the fraternal moral sense. It was plain that Charles had entered upon the broad road which leads from the cradle to the workhouse-and that he rather liked the travelling. So profuse was his prodigality that there were grave suspicions as to his method of acquiring wh

r?" said he, thoughtfully;

dawning seriousness, "you will certainly end your days in a workhouse, unless you

to the missionary fund, the parson was rather hard upon him; but he did not say s

aving exhausted moral suasion to no apparent purpose, determined to have recourse to a lower order of argument:

much money in your bank? You ought to ha

ps there was some barefooted little girl

There's been a good deal of cold weather this winter, and you kno

Charles may be right, after all; and it's not worth while to save mone

, and rattle the coins inside, he always ended by smashing in the roof. Johnny approached his bank, and taking hold of the cornice on either side, braced himself, gave a strong lift upwards, and keeled over upon his back with the edifice atop of him, like one of the figures in a picture of

the demands of justice. But that night, in the dead silence of his chamber, Johnny registered a great and solemn swear that so soon

CKS AND

r the storm had blown over. Hans was known to a large circle of friends and admirers as about the worst miller in those parts; but as he was the only one, people who quarrelled with an exclusively meat diet continued to patronize him. He was honest, as all stupid people are; but he was careless. So absent-minded was he, that sometimes when grinding somebody's wh

chase of jackasses. He expended all his income in this diversion, and his mill was fairly sinking under its weight of mortgages. He had more jackasses than he had hairs on his head, and, as a rule, they were thinner. He was no mere amateur

ween, himself and fortune. With a tithe of Hans's industry he might have been almost anything; but his dense laziness always rose up like a stone wall about him, shuttin

d grist of corn, potatoes, and young chickens, he heard Joseph calling outside. Stepp

brought 'em up from the egg, and I know 'em to be first-class. But they '

ple with him never to let a donkey go away and say he was a hard man to deal with. He at once brought out and d

Hans that he had less oats and

I puy dot yackasses, und I don't vos god 'im

therefore, to see Jo come by ne

ngs me to my yackasses. You

ut of a fair bargain, all right. I'll give you

honest shentlemans as I vos efer vent anyvhere. But I

m over. Jo was proceeding to lay these upon the back

asses in me, und go right avay off; odthe

eys to a fence. While he did this, Hans was making a d

oom by dot vhe

, you gave it to

by dot oats poot

or them," said Joseph, pre

back to dot oats so gwicker as

keys to carry off my wheat, and I

ded up the grain, and made off with his docile caravan. In a half-ho

dis oats I hear zo mo

anger. "You make such a fuss about a bargain, I have decid

re mine

Hans; that wheat

w,

onkeys are

w,

been yours all

w,

out of your pasture in the first place.

all over his head wit

s all right. I zee now I vos made

e, where they pledged one another in brimmin

rade. Perhaps some other day you w

rted leading aw

mile making his fat face ridiculous. Then turning to his mill-st

geen, shmard yockey, but he gon

WOOD, I

sent me a post-card in a sealed envelope, asking me to call at a well-known restaurant in Regent Street. I was then at a well-known restaurant in Houndsditch. I put on my wor

s Dr. D

al guesses I had a happ

rother's b

with his forefinger alongside

ve it

profound silence, as that of a man ver

her's personal property to-morrow. Take this and find Dr. D

pon my table in the centre of the room were spread some clean white sheets of foolscap, and sat a bottle of black ink. It was a good omen: the virg

ader's imagination. Before I had taken two steps, my vision alighted upon the circular of a quack physician, which I had brought home the day before around a bottle of hair-wash. I now saw the words, "Twenty-one fevers!" This prostrated me for I know not how long. Recovering, I took

fing with impatience, I resolved upon another advance. Cautiously proceeding via the sofa,

the Interior are engage

a match off the chimney-piece. Having done so, I stepped over to the table and sat down, taking up the pen and spreading the paper between myself and the ink-bottle. It was late, and something must be done. Writing the familiar word Ujijijijijiji, I caught a neighbourly cock

dwood, I

not d

m a bit of cheese and cheered him up

ing uphill to Omaha, as related by Ptolemy, thence spirally to Melbourne, where it joins the

NOT D

s known to

CRAC

hampou, who was madly enamoured of the Lady

so intolerably long that she employed two pages to look after it when she walked out; the one a few yar

s buoyant, and hers represented a large amount of idle capital. And it was otherwise a source of annoyance and irritation; for all the young men of the city were hotly in love with her

of all these squabbles. My pen revels in the battle's din, but my

interviews with Champou the Prince. In the course of one of these (see my picture), as she sat listening to his car

nse, you know, to ask for my heart; but I am

s crown? I love this hair of yours very dearly, I admit, but only because of its connection with your divine

were. Prince Champou saw that he had missed his opportunity, and resolved to repair his error. Straightway he forged an order on Beersheba for thirty yards of love-lock. To serve this writ he sent his business partner; for the Prince was won

balden the pates of all the male aristocracy of the place. Then, to supply the demand so created, they devised beautiful wigs from the Lad

instant hush of expectation within. The dancers ceased to spin, and all the gentlemen crowded about the door. As the Lady Capilla entered, these instinctively fell into two lines, and she passed down the space between, with her little tail behind her. As the end of the latter came into the room, the wigs of the two gentlemen nearest the door leaped off to join their parent stem. In their haste to recover them the two gentlemen bent eagerly forward, knocking their shining

rough the mazy dance that night, with all those

IAN'S LIT

ially covered a lot of teeth. She was gifted with the complement of legs commonly worn at that period, supporting a body to which were loosely attached, in the manner of her country, as many arms as she had any use for, inasmuch as she was not required to hold baby. But all these charms were only so many objective points for the operations of the paternal cudgel; for this father of hers was a h

s, according to the point from which it was viewed. By a method readily understood, it had been so arranged that

not put his hands into his pockets without kneeling. He lived entirely alone, and gave himself up to the practice of iniquity, devising prohibitory liquor laws, imposing the income tax, and drinking shilling claret. But, seeing Simprella one day, he bent himself into the form of a horse-shoe magnet to look into her eyes. Wh

parents by betraying her father into their hands; explaining to them, h

ord's boots without any scaffolding. It took her all day to perform any kindly little office for him. But she bore it all uncomplainingly, until one morning he asked her to part his back

ved her arms-above described-and said Shew! This time he did not move as much as he did before. Simprella decided he must have a bill against her; so she closed her shutters,

considerable quantity-sent by some good magician, who owed the giant a grudge, to pilot her out of the forest. Nothing could exceed her joy at this discovery: she whistled a dirge, sang a Latin hymn, and preached a funeral discourse al

prella observed that his golden collar was inscribed with the mystic words-HANDS OFF! She tried

n tears, which coursed silently but firmly down his nose, vacating it more in sorrow than in anger. Then he looked up reproa

t down again; mountains grew grey, and rivers bald-headed; suits in chancery were brought and decided, and those from the tailor were paid for; the ages came, like maiden aun

athered ferns unscared in its sunless dells. But often the child abandoned his botany in terror, the woodman bolted for home, and the hunter's heart went down in

FAR

affirming that mere unadorned truth does not constitute a work of literary merit. B

t, the clerk telling me that would take me there. But when I tried it, it wouldn't. Vainly I laid it on the railway and sat down upon it: i

had advanced against his election (which consisted mainly in relating how that his cousin was hanged for horse-stealing, and how that his sister had an intolerable squint which a free people could never abide), he had swo

e outside, and carrying it to the river, launched it upon the watery waste. The box, I soon discovered, had an hereditary tendency to turn over. I had parted my hair in the middle before embarking, but the precaution was inadequate; it secured n

en my teeth, I turned over upon my stomach, and cut a hole through the bottom near the bow. Turning back again, I awaited the result. Most men would have awaited the result, I think, if they could not have got out. For some time there was no result. The ship was too deeply laden astern, where my feet were, and water will not run up hill unless it is paid to do it. But when I called in all my faculties for a good earnest think, th

are constructed of very frail materials, and whenever one came into collision with my flotilla, she immediately sank. This was most exasperating, for the piercing shrieks of the hapless crews and passengers prevented my getting any sl

preparations were complete, the inhabitants of San Francisco came out to see the fun. They perched thickly upon Telegraph Hill from base to summit; they swarmed innumerable upon the beach; the whole region was black with them. All that day they waited, and came again the next. Again they were disappointed, and again they returned full of hope. For three long weeks they did nothing but squat upon that eminence, looking fixedly at the wrong place. But when it transpired that Von Schmidt had hastily left the State directly he had completed his preparations, leaving the wire floating in the water, in the hope that some ele

ould have been bad for me as I floated idly past, unconscious of danger. As it was, my little bark was carried out i

LO'S CON

gy (I think Sunday School exercises terminate that way), and sitting in a solemn row on a fence outside, waiting with pious patience for the girls to come forth; then they walked home with them as far as their respective gates. They were an obedient seven, too; they knew well enough the respect due to paternal authority, and when their father told them what w

me farming implement in his hand he came out strong. He has been known to take an axe between his knees, and sit on a stump in a "clearing" all day, wrapt in a single continuous meditation. And when interrupted by the interposition of night, or by the superposition of the paternal hickory, he would resume the meditation, next day, precisely where he left off, going o

er phrased it; for sometimes he would give it so grave consideration that observers would double their anxiety about the safety of his head, which he seemed in danger of snapping off with solemn nods; and at other times he would laugh immoderately, smiting his thigh or holding his sides in uncontrollable merriment. But it went on without abatement, and without any disclosure; went on until his poor mother's curiosity had worried her grey hairs in sorrow to the grave; went on until his father, having worn ou

len into the sere and yellow leaf that he couldn't hit hard enough to hurt-Tony, the mere shadow of his former self, sat, one evening, in the chimney corner, thinking very hard indeed. His father and three or four skeleton hounds were the only other persons present

-handle which he held between his knees as a mental stimulant

an, promptly, in a thin asthmatic falsetto. "I recollect your mother used

though it don't seem so long, does it? But I've been thinking

lly examined, in turn, by the gossamer dogs, hoping against hope. A smoking brand in the fireplace fell suddenly upon a bed of hot coals, where, lacking the fortitude of Guatimozin, it emitted a sputtering protest,

ss, but losing his grip, "I'm going to make a clean breast of i

ent strength to grind out an intimation th

en through it with a lantern! And I've come to the conclusion that, seeing as

E FOR AT

e of the last century it was occupied by one Heinrich Schneider, who was a small farmer-so small a farmer his clothes wouldn't fit him without a good deal of taking-in. But H

on his five hundredth perusal of that he conceived a valuable idea: he would rub his lamp and corral a Genie! So he put a thick leather glove on his right hand, and went to the cupboard to get out the lamp. He

lightest irritation of a leaden water-pipe would have fetched the same Genie out of it like a rat from his hole. But having planted all his poultry, sown his potat

ingly. That was because he did not worry them all summer with agricultural implements. One evening when the produce had been stored, Heinrich sat at his fireside operating upon his candle-snuff

t in length, extremely fat, thick-limbed, ill-favoured, heavy of movement, and gene

uld get on well? To all these queries the Genie returned evasive answers; he was Delphic to the verge of unintelligibility. He would only nod mysteriously, muttering beneath his breath in some unknown

extravagant demands all at once. He remembered the roc's egg of the legend, and thought he would proceed with caution. So the good couple brought out their cooking utensils, and by pantomime inducted the Slave into the mystery of their use. They showed h

. When all was on the table, by way of testing his Slave's obedience Heinrich sat down at the board and carelessly rubbed the candle-snuffer. The Genie was there in a second! Not only so, but he fell upon the vian

d next morning; he had risen with the lark, and was preparing breakfast, having made his estimates upon a basis of most immoderate consumption. To this he soon sat down with the same catholicity of appetite that had distinguished him the previous evening. Having bolted this preposterous b

er cent. better than this invisible agency. I will now take the fatal candl

ight ten feet of snow had f

tottering female of dejected aspect. Forlorn, crippled, famishing, and discouraged, these melancholy relics held on their way until they ca

dsome, intelligent features, sprightly and vivacious in conversation, of engaging address, temperate in diet, harmless and tractable in disposition

y upon the hearthstone, after a hearty meal of empty barrels and boxes. Being secured he was found to be too fat

ETTY'S

sss

he howl of a wolf, and a wolf is about the last thing a man who knows the cowardly beast would be afraid of; but there was something so weird and unearthly in this "cry between the silences"-something so banshee-like in its suggestion of the grave-that, old mountaineers that we were, and long familiar wit

sides. Again rose the faint far cry, and was answered by one fainter and more far in the opposite quarter. Then another, and yet another, struck in-a dozen, a

s habit of querulous faultfinding had, on the first day out, secured him the sobriquet of Old Pernicketty, which the attrition of time had worn down to Old Nick. He knew no more of wolves and other animals than a naturalist

with an amused smile, assumed a grave aspect,

e were wolves, I should say

did not know they were wolves? Why, wha

. Don't you know, you old bummer, that that's the way the red devils run a surprise party? Don't you know that w

laughed good-humouredly, and made derisive comments. At this Dan seemed much vexed, and getting up, he stro

n of his horse. His anxiety became so painful that he did not attempt to conceal it. Upon our part, we affected to partially share it. One of us f

ppose; but I think they're wolves. Still, there's no harm in

y considerable extent; we contented ourselves with making a show of examining our weapons. All this time the wolves, as is their way when attracted by firelight, were closing in, clamouring like a legion of fiends. If Nick had known

erhaps, hear an owl or two among them. The chiefs sometimes hoot, owl-fashion, just to l

-hoo-hoo

se to our feet, except Jerry Hunker, who was lying flat on his stomach, with his head buried in his arms, and whom we had thought sound asleep. One loo

into the holsters, without knowing what he was about. He cocked his rifle, holding it with the muzzle directed anywhere, but principally our way; grasped his bowie-knife between his teeth, and cut h

ersault, alighting on his head. Dory Durkee went smashing into the fire. Jerry Hunker was pinned to the sod where he lay fast asleep.

nd get to work we heard the desultory reports of his pistols exploding in

st a dozen; struggling with painted savages in the firelight, and with one another in the dark; shooting the living, and stabbing the de

bs, readjusting our scalps, or swapping them for such vagrant ones as there was nobody to identify, we could not help smiling to think how we had frightened Old Nick. Dan Golby, who was sinking rapidly, whispered that "it was the one

NI

bernate, rent-free. Juniper was such a feeble little wretch, so inoffensive in his way of life, so modest in his demeanour, that every one was disposed to love him like a cousin; there was not enough of him to love like a brother. He, too, was inclined to return the affection; he was too weak to love very hard,

st crowd of people, diving and dodging amongst their shins with nimble skill, shrieking all the time like a panther. He was as earnest about it as if he had made a bet upon the result of the race. Of course everybody was too busy to stop, but in his blind terror the dwarf would single out some luckless wight-commonly some well-dressed person; Juniper instinctively sought the protection of the aristocracy-getting behind him, ducking between his legs, surrounding him, dancing through him-doing anything to save the paltry flitch of his own bacon. Presently the bear would lose all patience and nip the other fellow. Then, ashamed of losing his

between him and the dwarf, and could never be made to understand that it was the former that was wanted. Directly they were laid on the scent they would forsake it to invest the dwarf's abode; and it was with muc

to inform them it was a fine morning, when the great beast of a bear "rose like the steam of rich distilled perfume" from the earth in front of them, and made a mouth at him. Juniper did not run, as might have been expected; he stood for a moment peering into the brute's cavernous jaws, and then flew! He absented hims

g them the "Examiner" (a print which once had the misfortune to condemn a book written by the author of this tale) and this she doted on. Returning for her property, she peered cautiously around the angle of a rock, and saw a spec

finger on the best-trained bear in Christendom." But with praiseworthy moderation she controlled herself and didn't do it; she just stood still and allowed the beast to proceed. Having stored all the jewels in his capacious mouth, he began taking in the valuable papers. First

ood on his head awhile. Next he made a feeble endeavour to complicate the relations between his parts-to tie himself into a love-knot. Failing in this he lay flat upon his side

down was pardoned. In searching his cavern the police discovered countless human bones, much torn clothing, and a mighty multitude of empty purses. But no

ING TH

ot certain that Arica is not in Chili, but it can't make much difference; there was earthquake all a

when there was a slight tremor of the earth, as if the elephant who supports it were pushing upwards, or lying down and getting up again. Next, the surges, which were flattening themselves upon the sand and draggi

e; and bathing without some kind of water is not refreshing in a hot climate. I have heard that bathing in asses'

skeletons, and a multitude of things to impede the pedestrian. The floundering sharks bit our legs as we toiled past them, and we were constantly slipping down upon the flat fish strewn about like orange-pe

ed to me then that I did not wish it to come back. A tidal wave is nearly al

that way. He stood quite still a moment with his eyes fixed on the

r a ship!-more than for all the railways and turnpikes you could scare up! I'd give more than a hundred, th

ed his shirt out of his trousers, unbosoming himself of hi

nd left, without a break in its towering front! It was by no means clear what we ought to do. The moving wall showed no projections by means of which the most daring climber

actions I had wrought in the flesh, when I saw projecting beyond the crest of the wave a sh

d, I suspect; for now the whole fore-part of the ship bulged through the water directly above

ine. He merely replied that his correspondence was

ould find one on the beach, about three leagues to

lunge at it, and got it-right into his side! For the fiend above had appended a shark-hook to the end of the line-which was his notion of humour. But this was no time for crimination and recrimination. I laid hold of Sam's legs, the end of the rope was passed about the capstan, and as soon

ot Sam disengaged from the hook, than th

s, gent

n, came on deck and knocked him overboard with a spare topmast. We were now stripped of our clothing, chafed all over with stiff brushes, rolled on our stomachs, wrapped in flannels, laid before a hot stove in the saloon, and strangled with scalding brandy. We had not been wet, nor had we swallowed any sea-water, but the surgeon said thi

armless projectiles rattled very merrily upon the upturned boot-soles of the fleeting multitude; but not seeing any fun in this, we were about to go astern and fish a little, when the ship grounded on a hill-top. The captain hove ou

red aft to the binnacle, cast his eye carelessly upon t

er convulsion of nature than you have any idea. Everythi

moving up and taking a look, "it p'ints d'rectl

d him, with a steady gaz

you know about earthquakes. 'Course, I didn't mean just this con

SPANISH

Hemstitch preferred the forest as a steady residence. He had that curse of Spanish pride which will not permit one to be a burden upon the man who may happen to have massacred all one's relations, and set a price upon the heads of one's family generally. He had made a vow never to accep

e's downy s

the morn

Spaniard of the poorer sort dreads obesity. During the darkest night of the season he

nced reader that Don Hemstitch did not have a

at will on e

l please twig the proper meaning of the word "spray"; I shal

ed-hangings, he saw below him at a little distance two of his countrymen in conversation. The fine practised phrenzy of their looks, their excellently rehearsed air of apprehensive secrecy, showed him they were merely conspiring against somebody's life; and

bt, he must make provision for the widow and orphans. I leave it to you if, after the summer's unprofitable business, we are in a position to assume the care and edu

er through his beard; "we wi

position his merciful co

hat! immolate a whole hecatomb of guiltless wo

d. Should Don Symposio pass that way and communicate this information-and he was in a position to know-the moral scruples of the conscientious plotter would vanish like the baseless fabr

m he had once met-the lovely Donna Lavaca, beloved of El Toro-blanco. Having thus wrought up his Castilian soul to a high pitch of jealously, he felt quite irresistible, and advanced towards the two ruffians with his poniard deftly latent in his flowing sleeve. His mien was hostile, his stride puissant, his nose tip-tilted-not to put t

of garlic, "patter your pater-nosters as fast as you conveniently

upplication, then clave to its proper concave. Two pairs of brawny knees unsettled their knitted braces, and bent limply beneath their loads of incarnate wickedness swaying unsteadily above. With clenched hands and streaming eyes these wretched men prayed silently. At this supreme moment an American gentleman sitting by, with his heels upon a rotted oaken s

d a distant hillside echoed back the words. "Saved!" sang the rocks-"Saved!" the glad birds twittered from the leaves above. The hare

"New York Herald." It is tolerably well known that except beneath his searching eye n

h vengeance was ba

NNISON'

He always wore crape on his hat, and once when asked for whom he was in mourning he replied his wife, and seemed much affected. We all expressed our sympathy as delicately as possible, and no more was said upon the subject. Some weeks after this he seemed to have arrived

and in it herself or that it was wrought by circumstances beyond her control. All was mere conjecture, however; but from that time Dennison, as the custodian of a secret upon which we had staked our cash, was an object of more than usual interest. It wasn't entirely that, either; aside from our paltry wagers, we felt a consuming curiosity to know the truth for its own sake. Each set himself to work to elicit the dread secret in some way; and the misdirected ingenuity we developed was wonderful. All sorts of pious devices were resorted to to entice poor Dennison into clearing up the mystery. By a thousand indirect methods we sought to entrap him into divulging all. History, fiction, poesy-all were laid under co

nderstand that it had any reference to himself. His frank truthful nature was quite unable to detect the personal significance of the subject. It was plain that nothing short of a de

When Dennison stepped into the room, bowing in his engaging manner to each clerk as he passed to his own desk, I confronted him, shaking him warmly by the

nds me of something I would like to ask you. I have intended asking it several times, but i

ied away, leaving a dead silence which q

-something about your poor wife, you understand-about her losing her head. Would y

round the counter to his stool, and perched himself gravely on the top of it, fac

ere indifferent. I now thank you all for the friendly interest you take in my affairs. I will satisfy your curiosity upo

cted about him with the utmost eagerness. He bent

e's head was

xclaimed eagerly, w

reproach, turned to his

nt at

WL W

iling in oil, they have found themselves unable to endure the test. And it must be confessed appearances were against the Frau. In the first place, she lived quite alone in a forest, and had no visiting list. This was suspicious. Secondly-and it was thus, mainly, that she had acquired her evil repute-all the barn-yard fowls in the vicinity seemed to bear her the most uncompromising ill-wi

rgans of screech seemed to have lost their power-nor, as a rule, would she curse; she wo

ttle; and he had not roosted under cover for so long a time he did not know what it was like. Would she give him a place on her fender, and fetch out six or eight cold pies to amuse him while she was preparing his supper? To this plea she turned a deaf ear, and he went away. He came again the ne

ker, perhaps, but certainly no stronger nor sharper. So she fed him to a threshing machine of her acquaintance, which managed to masticate some of the more modern portions, but was hopelessly wrecked upon the neck. From that time the poor bel

d a smell of the supernatural, there was nothing for it but to consider her a witch. Had she been very feeble and withered, the people would have burned her, out of hand; but they did not like to proceed to extremes without perfectly legal evidence. They were cautious, for they had made several mistakes recently. They had sentenced t

ear of an exciting race between the timorous dame and an avenging pullet. They were too rapid for him; but bursting suddenly in at the lady's door some fifteen minutes afterward, he found her in the act of placing the plucked and eviscerated Nemesis upon her cooking range. The Frau betrayed considerable confusion; and although the ac

nce arrested, and charged with prostituting a noble superstition to a base selfish end. We will pass over the trial; suffice it she was convicted. B

ok." Now if I were a barn-yard fowl-say a goose-and a lady not a friend of mine were to pass me, munching sweetmeats, and were to drop a nice fat worm, passing on apparently unconscious of her loss, I think I should try to get away with that worm. And if after swallowing it I felt drawn towards that lady by a strong personal attachment, I suppose

SERVICE

er condition of unrest, and never slumber. Such persons, the Colonel used to remark, are fit only for sentry duty; they are good

time, for no other purpose than to break other people of their natural rest. And I must admit that from the wreck of his faculties upon the roc

nt prepared by the candidate, who was ultimately successful in spite of it. Halsey, who had favoured the other aspirant, was a merchant, and had nothing in the world to do but annoy the collector. If the latter could have kept away from him, the dignity of the office might have been preserved, and the object of the incumbent's appointment to it attained; but sneak away whithersoever he might-into the heart of the dismal swamp, or anywhere in the Everglades-some vagrom Indian or casual negro was sure to stumble over him before long, and go and tell Halsey, securing a plug of tobacco for reward. Or if he was not found in this way, some co

e collector's signature might be required for her anchoring papers. Having traced him-which, owing to the meddlesome treachery of the venal natives, he was always able to do-Halsey would set off to Texas for a seed of the prickly pear, which he would plan

ed until the action of the dew should wear away the rock all round his body, when he expected and was willing to roll off and wake. But even there Halsey found him out, and put eagles' eggs in his southern pockets

ny time, in case you do not find me in, please sit down and amuse yourself with the newspaper until I return." He knew Halsey was at his counting-house, and would certainly come if only to learn what signification a Government official attached to the word "business." Then the Colonel procured a brief candle and set it into the powder. His plan was to light the candle, dispatch a porter with the message, and bolt for home. Having c

here; that is merely the

F THE BO

admirable rhyme to what Pollimariar was profanely asserted to be by her two sisters, Djainan and Djulya. These were very mu

esses from Paris, and going away to balls, leaving their meritorious little sister weeping at home in their every-day finery. Their father was a commercial traveller, absent with his samples in Damascus most of the time; and the poor girl had no one to protect her from the outrage of exclusion from the parties to which she was not

r G-field St-ch. J.G. + ? pro rata. B-tty's N-bob P-ckles. Oz-k-r-t! Meet me at the 'Turban and Scimitar,' Bebeck Road, T

ants to K

onspicuously sensible. Next morning, when the Grand Vizier took up his newspaper, he could not help knowing he was the person addres

in the market. The first thing the wicked sisters did was to flourish these invitations triumphantly before the eyes of Pollimariar, who declared she did not believe a word

lance to a Grand Vizier with his beard shaven off, and this led them into some desultory reflections upon the sin of nepotism and family favour at Court; but, like all moral reflections, these came to nothing

it was late; they would have to make haste. She had not fetched a cab, however, and a recent inundation of dogs very much impeded their progress. By-and-by the dogs became shallower, but it was

t, but when shown a very cleverly-executed signet-ring of paste, knocked their heads against the ground with respectful violence. Then one of them consulted a thick book, and took from a secret drawer two metal badg

avely measuring Djainan from head to heel. She ventured to ask t

know," said he, grinnin

sacque fo

r a ball-fer a cannon-ball-as will make yer purt

suring-tape, which the wretched girls now

shrieked Djai

shrieked Djul

t ho

t ho

ar

st-and-fainting, through a particularly dirty portal, over which gleamed the

ing "personal" appeared

Circ-n B-ties with the money I advanced, be sure you don't keep them too long on hand. Prices are sure to fa

N S

E FROM A JOURNAL. O

eldom allowed to pass without some recognition by those to whom the word liberty means something more precious than gold, is provocative of peculiar emotion. It matters little whether or no tradition has correctly fixed the date of Smith's birth; that he was born-that being born he wrought

an intelligible scheme, there is the strongest evidence in the fragments of twentieth-century literature that have descended to us, disfigured though they are with amazingly contradictory statements of his birth, parentage, and manner of life before he strode upon the political stage as the liberator of mankind. It is stated that Snakes

Japanese. It is an account of the water-battle of Loo, by an eyewitness whose name, unfortunately, has not reached us. In this battle

no European government the Liberator did not upset, and which he did not erect into a pure Smitharchy; and though some of them afterward relapsed temporarily into the crude forms of antiquity, and others fell into fanciful s

wrapped in profoundest obscurity. No less than seven British cities claimed the honour of his birth. Meagre indeed is our knowledge of this only bard whose works have descended to us through the changes of twenty centuries entire. All that is positively established is that during his life he was editor of "The Times 'magazine,'" a word of

izabeth, or Lambeth, the Dutch Bismarch, Julia C?sar, and a host of contemporary notables are singularly suggestive. They call to mind the odd old custom of covering the body with "clothes;" the curious error of Copernicus and other wide guesses of antique "science;" the lost arts of telegramy, steam locomotion, and printing with movable types; and the exploded theory of gunpowder. They set us thinking upon the zeal

ine philosophy to inattentive ears. And yet let us keep green the memory of whatever there was of good-if any-in the dark pre-Smithian ages, when men cherished quaint superstitions and rode on the backs of "horses"-when they passed over the seas i

RED H

o sleep more than was strictly necessary. The nature of his calling fostered this weakness: after being turned into some neighbour's pasture, his animals would not require looking after until the owner of

the yard, led her tenderly to it, seated her, and asked her why. The girl thought a moment, and then was at some pains to explain. She was too young. Her old father required all her care. Her little brother would cry. She was engaged to Max Manglewurzzle. She amplified considerably, but these were the essential points of objection. She set them before him seriatim with perfect frankness, and without mental reservation. Whe

was too young. Her old father required all her care. Her little brother would cry. She was engaged to Max Manglewurzzle. As each objection was stated and told off on the fraülein's fingers, Deidrick nodded a resigned acquiescence, and at the finish was fast asleep. Every evening after that Deidrick proposed in perfect good faith, the girl repeated her objections with equal candour, and they were received with somnolent

t cry any at his own; the aged Buttersprecht was long gathered to his fathers; and Katrina was herself well stricken in years. And still at fall of night she defined her position to the sleeping lover who had sought her hand-defined it in the self-same terms as upon that eventful eve. The gossiping frauen b

wish to die at all. But no one liked to interfere; it was feared that counsel to the woman would be rejected, and a thrashing to the man would be misunderstood. At last the parson took heart of grac

the wrong places. With one accord they arose and sought their stools. Katrina tried it again. She succeeded in saying her father was over-young to marry, and Max Manglewurzzle would cry if she took care of him. Deidrick executed a reckless nod that made his neck snap, and was broad awake in a minute. A second time they arose. They conveyed the stools back to their primitive position, and began again. She remarked that her little brother was too old to require all her care, and Max would cry to marry her father. Deidrick addressed himself to sleep, but a horrid n

easily one may wreck the peace of two faithful hearts-how almost without an effort the waters of affecti

Y HISTOR

it very bad, and the Court physician, Sir William Gull, frequently remarked that the Prince's death was merely a question of time. When a man gets to that stage of leprosy he does not care much for society, particularly if no one will have anything to d

his pigs afield he communicated it to them; so that in a few weeks, barring the fact that they were hogs, they were no better off than he. Mr. Smith was an irritable old gentleman, so choleric he made his bondsmen tremble-thoug

er, travellers of the time disagree which. At Swainswick Bladud found his level; throwing aside all such nonsense as kingly ambition, and the amenities of civilized society-utterly ignoring the deceitful pleasures of common s

Fielding was painfully evolving "Tom Jones" from an inner consciousness that might have been improved by soap and any water but that of Bath. Bishop Warburton had just shot the Count Du Barré in a duel with Lord Chesterfie

charge set up a wild squeal, rushing down a steep place into the aspiring vapour, his astonishment ripened into dismay. As soon as he conveniently could Bladud followed, and there he heard the saw-I mean he saw the herd wallowing and floundering multitudinously in a hot spring, and punctuating the silence of nature with grunts of quiet satisfaction, as the leprosy left them and clave

will blossom next year. By this ingenious logic he proves the immortality of the human soul, which is good of him; but in so doing he proves, also, the immortality of the souls of snakes, mosquitos, and everythi

ce noised abroad the story of the wonderful healing, and when it reached the king's ears, that potentate sent for Bladud to "come home at once and succeed to the throne, just the same as if he had a skin"-which Bla

e interest of which is annually devoted to the publication of guide-books to Bath, to lure the unwary invalid to his doom. From motives of mercy the Corporation have no

pal street, and another graces the swimming pond, both speaking likenesses. The one represents him as he w

s-by pelt them with dead dogs, cats, and pigs; and even human creatures are hurled over the rails into the water." It

these incomparable Waters, that the fame of their virtues may no

arts of the w

f Sodium 9

ted Hydro

f Magnesi

foot Jel

nate of Br

Acid

ire Cre

e of Soa

r 3.

ed Mustar

s 20

ano, Leprosy

ch Whisk

r baths, 117 degrees e

LLOWIN

s. The name of this dog was Jerusalem, but it might more properly have been Dan-to-Beersheba. He was not a fascinating dog to look at; you can buy a handsomer dog in any shop than this one. He had neither a graceful e

unches, rejecting the fore-part of the first and the rear portion of the second, you will have the raw material for constructi

from either of his race; but it was odd to see such a wealth of dog wedded to such a poverty of leg. He was s

Round and round he flew, but the faster he went, the more his centrifugal force widened his circle, until he presently lost sight of his enemy altogether. Then he slowed down, determined to accomplish his end by strategy. Sneaking closely up to the wall, he moved cautiously forward, and when he had made the full circuit, he came smack up against his own tail. Making a sudden spring, which must have stretched him like a bit of India-rubber, he fastened his teeth into his ham, hanging on like a country visito

it flashed past us, going our way, but evidently upon urgent business. Immediately upon his heels followed the first instalment of Dad Petto's mongrel, enveloped in dust, his jaws distended, the lower one shaving the ground to scoop up the rabbit. H

ats anything! And the speed, too-they seem fairly blended! If a fe

he scullery. When Jerusalem got that way, which, to do him justice, was singularly seldom, it made things awkward in the near future. For in a few days after recovering his passion for food, the effect of his former abstemiousness would begin to reach his stomach; but of course all he could then devour would work no immediate relief. This he would naturally attribute to the quality of his fare, and would change his diet a dozen times a day,

ld by good luck begin the manoeuvre when a train was said to be due, it was likely he would be abbreviated; for of course no one is idiot enough to cross a railway track when the time-table says it is all clear-at least no one as long as Jerusalem. So he would advance his head to the rails

ble taxation upon him, he was not wholly unprofitable; for he was the best sheep-dog in the country: he always kept the flock well together by the simple device of surrounding the

as instructed by his constituents to bring in a bill taxing dogs by the linear yard, instead of by the head, as the law then stood. Dad Petto proceeded at once to Washington to "lobby" against the measure. He knew the wife of a clerk in the Bureau of Statistics; armed with this influence he felt confident of suc

den the smiling brute sprang open his mouth and bade farewell to a succession of yells which speedily collected ten thousand miserable office

wails with quick sharp shrieks of mortal agony. More than an hour-more than tw

atch just received. It was dated at his home in Cowville, Illinois, and making allowance

pon Jerusalem's hind-quarters. Shall I try r

the kitchen. Some Democrat has been bribing

at ailed "the f

subject seems to grow under my hand. The longer I write, the longer he becomes, and the more there is to tell; and aft

AK

means than an end; for he would not only lie without a purpose but at a sacrifice. I heard him once reading a newspaper to a blind aunt, and deliberately falsifying the market reports. The good old lady took it all in with a trustful faith, unt

fellow, and I'll tell you why. In the winter of '68 he and I

u mean by s

s in the early autumn, with provisions for all winter, and putting up a snakery at some central point, get to work as soon as the torpid season sets in, and before there is much snow. I presum

here, during the snow season, they are assorted, labelled according to quality, and packed away for tran

so taking the spade I soon widened the hole the creatures had got in at, until it would admit my body. Crawling in, I found a kind of cell in the solid rock, stowed nearly full of beautiful serpents, some of them as long as a man. You would have revelled in those worms! They were neatly disposed about the side

e what

raws to decide who should sleep inside, and it fell to me. Such luck as that fellow Ben always had drawing straws when I held them! It was sinful! But even inside it was coldish, and I was more than an hour ge

astronomy a full moon nev

himself up and yawned. He meant well, but it was not the regular thing for an ophidian to do at that season. By-and-by they began to poke their heads up all round, nodding good morning to one another across the room; and pretty soon one saw me lying there and called attention to the fact. Then they all began to crowd to the front and hang out over the sides of the beds in a fringe, to study my ha

was late spring. As I lay there and thought of a full-grown man who hadn't any better sense than to do such a thing as that, I was mad enough to kill him. I lost confidence in mankind. If I had not sto

e entrance was open, a

tion-and saying you've heard it told better by some one else-and wanting to fight! I've told this story t

muel; for he is de

deafness all out of Washington County a dozen times. I never knew a case of it that could stand up against him ten se

s off like

'S P

the gimlet curls and the accelerated lap-cat.

anything about h

nd would have thought himself overpaid if she had restored a fosy on his sepulchre. Maud would have been of the same o

brick barn. Not even a watch-dog about the place-except her father. This pompous old weakling hated me boisterously;

shawl drawn over her head, and apparently in great combustion. She told me, ha

party's eyes-amanuensis of the equinox, or something; he c

take care of him while I fetch the doctor. He's quiet enough now, but you just wait till he gets another paralogism. When they're on-oh my! Yo

he corner of her shawl, Ma

ouse, and entered the old man

g frightened. She had told the old one there was a robber in the house, and the ve

e first time in my life I believed Maud had told me the truth for the first time in hers. Then he reached out for a heavy cane. But I was too punctual for him, and, clapping my hand on his breast, I crowded him down, holding him ti

ind it to the north-west corner of my upper

ng him; "that is the dryest place you could keep it in, old spoolcotton! Be sure you do

e subject. "O my poor child!"-and he spran

a minute, and crushed him back

ugarcoated old mandible, or I'll conci

language in my life; I coul

hought him, he saw I meant it; but he affected to

the poison. Spare me the poisoned chalice,

ot told me to give him anything, I felt sure this was nasty enough for him, or anybody. And it was; it was ink. So I treated his proposed compromise with silent contempt, merely remarking

ith some warmth, "hand up your stomach for this healing preco

pouted about rather circumstantially over the bedding, and walls, and me. There was more of the draught than I had thought. As he had been two days ill,

e charm had had time to hibernate, then came in to have her laugh. She began having it, gently; but seeing me with the empty b

n was enjoying the first rest he had known since I came to hea

rying Maud-who has lived single, as a rule, ever since. All this epigastric tercentenary might have been avoided if

a brandy spunch.-Well, that is the most did

KWOURTH

the hills to see if I could find a blind rabbit, or a lame antelope, that had been unable to leave the country. As I went on I heard, at intervals of about a quarter of an hour, a strange throbbing sound, as of smothered thunder, which grew more distinct as I advanced. Presently I came upon a lake of near a mile in diameter, and almost circular. It was as calm and even as a mirror, but I could see by a light steamy haze above it that the water was nearly at boiling heat-a not very uncommon circumstance in that region. While I looked, big bubbles began to rise to the surface, chase one another about, and burst; and suddenly, without any other preliminary m

ok after the horses, and followed me back to see. Just before we crossed the last range of hills we heard a thundering sound ahead, which somewhat astonished the boys, but I sai

, triumphantly,

and surveying it critically, "what's the matter w

swans?" aske

tic warter?" ad

oman Pete. "What 'n thunder d' ye me

s the lake seemed to have buried the hatchet for t

!" I replied,

t till some feller comes along with a melted rainbow, and lays on the war-paint! and another feller fetches the swans' eggs, and sets on 'em, and

nd steaming clay surrounding the water on all sid

thousand million times! It's the reg'lar thing in

but I did not dare call him back for fear of betraying my secret in some way. Besi

surface, and silently exploded. Quick as ligh

se the binding chain of concupiscence, heaving the multitudinous aquacity upon the heads of this wick

incredulity, and astonishment-but not for long. For before I could say amen, yours truly, or anything, that entire body of water shot upward five hundred feet into the air, as smooth as a column of crystal, curled

hers were down upon their marrow-bones, white with terror, praying with extraordinary fervency, each trying his best to master the ridiculous jargon they had heard me use, but employing it with an even greater disregard of sense and fitness than I did. Away over on the next range of hills, toward camp, was someth

oken; I took the lead, and we strode solemnly to camp, picking up Lame Dave at the foot of his acclivity, played a little game for Gus Jamison's horse and "calamities," then mounted our steeds, departing thenc

GING

big bull grizzly lying in the sunshine, picking his teeth with his claws, and smiling, as if he said, 'You need not mind the horse, old fell

a-gun with a riata a mile long, and worries him till he gits his mad up, and while he's a-chasin' one feller the others is a-goin' ?ter him, and a-floorin' of him by loopin'

advanced upon him-very slowly, so as not to frighten him away. Seeing me coming, he rose upon his haunches, to have a look at me. He was abou

y. The brute now rose squarely upon end, with his paws suspended before him, like a dog begging for a biscuit, and I thought what a very large biscuit he must be begging for! Hal

leasant for Bruin, but somehow the line appeared to get foul. While I was opening the noose, the animal settled upon his feet an

fe was there, when the bear got down aga

se on the ground and walked away, trailing the line behind me. When it was all run out, the rascal arrived at the loop. H

ine at my wrist, walked away, looking for

ed Parsee appears wholly to ignore the distincti

he imputation of having perverted, if not actually invented, some of his facts, f

which might, perhaps, with equal propriety ha

inability to translate this word:

eciate the motive which has prompted me to give t

d obvious classical allusion. It is known our fabulist was classi