The King of Schnorrers: Grotesques and Fantasies

things), together with the air of having come over in the same steamboat as the Conqueror. I may as well mention here that I am tall, almost as tall as the Woolwich Infant, who frequently s

que and my language which redeems me from effeminateness. I do not mention my tawny mo

obeisance so low and his voice so loud th

isplay no trace of it. I strolled languidly into the hall, deferentially followed by the Infant and M

aid Jones, fluttered. "J

h for lunch. See you in a moment. Come along, Merton. It's

n a moment!" replied

ed half

bed in his studies, for he held a volume of Dickens in his hand, conducte

lordship," he said apologeticall

ensive joke. Besides, I was separated from my friends, who were corridors away and flights higher, and convivial meetings at midnight would mean disagreeable stockinged wanderings for somebody-a me

e into a magnificent chamber, with a lofty ceiling and a dado. The furniture was plush-co

ache. Then, struck by a bright idea, I said

proprietor. "They didn't require a sitting-room they s

s," I said reflectively; "I suppose I sha

ur lordship with them," said the prop

my cunning in getting o

"but I'm afraid they'd be anno

for all meals? Yes, my lor

deposited my boxes in the gorgeous bedroom. There was a moment of tense silence, in which I

ed in relief, making a

. It will be laid here immediately, my lord. I will go at

nscious that I was hungry and thirsty and travel-stained, and I determined to let things slide till after lunch, when I could easily set them right. The sunshine was flooding

a knock at

!" I spl

er, my lord!"

ought. "Don't want it," I growled pe

l things, I resolved, if I

lordship; this is

myself that morning, and neglected shaving lest I should miss my train. There were bu

u!" I sai

found he was still in the r

il do you want n

s as though I had made oath I was a

n-oh or Hides

a teetotaller, when I remembered that would shut off my nocturnal whisky-and-water, and condemn me to goody-goody beverages at meals. I remembered, too, that Jones intended the champagne as much for my friends as myself, and that lords are proverbially disassociated from temperance. Oh!

Pommery Green

yelled d

as very partial to our Hideseek-when h

hen the door closed upon him, I ground my razor savagely an

oor violently; for I was not going to let those two fellows off an exhibition of slang. They should have thought out the plot more fully; have hired me a moderate bedroom in

t the words died on my lips

d the champagne sparkling. But I, who was hungriest, enjoyed it least; Jones, who ate nothing, enjoyed it most. The Infant and Merto

the dowager-duchess?

s!" I roared, losing th

Such contempt for duchesses could only be bred of familiarity. At last I could contai

closed those two m

owers reproachfully, "isn't this

They've been saving up these rooms, foreseeing there would be some tip-top swells crowded out

ll this coo

t room in the house. It'll be real jolly up here; and if yo

nviously; "to feed us like critics on chicken and champagne. I su

ociously, "don't you forget that there's

ng up with ingenuous surprise, "I tho

s you who've got me into t

e. "He calls this a hole! Hang it all, my boy, are y

y, "I should like you to understand tha

Invite a man to lunch, and e

ed you!" I sai

" said Tow

!" I a

ink you will find these cigarettes to your liking. I haven't been

" I roared. "The

!" said Jones

proudly fr

if Jones would dare do anything you hadn't told him. W

to see him hanging on so

seriously, what's all the row about? I thought this cham

imself around me, even as they had describ

s really too much to expect us to pay scot, when there was a beautiful lunch of cold beef and pickles wait

y grievance. "I'd gladly give you chaps a lunch any day, and I'm pleased you enjoyed it so much. But,

aid Towers, "that

one bang over this lunc

," put in the Infant roguishly.

ne knows,"

while his name was on my lips

ay!" I sa

sh-covered easy-chairs, sending rings of fragrant smoke towards th

nd you five quid bet

e without such a lot of capital? The first thing is to get out of these rooms

k Jones in the face and tell him

ly shocked if I changed my palatial apartments for a cheap bed

t'll explain,"

ase. They'd pretend they turned lots of applicants away this morning, because the rooms were let. No, k

remains to escape from these s

ome up here, because you, with that reckless prodigality which is wearing the dowager-duchess to a shadow, insist on paying for ev

oney-lenders daily friendlier to your little brother, you swill champagne till you fly at waite

er to tell him the tr

r had, old man. Just think how you will go up in his estimation, when we tell him you ar

be cut down. The motto must be, 'Extravaganza with

, now and then passing the matches or a droll remark about Jones. In the mi

round in five minutes,

!" I faltered

f thinking your lordship wouldn't w

nce," I said resolutely

order a horse. I presume your lordship would like a spir

care for riding-er-o

is reserved for your lordship's use this afternoon. Your

ned from

You'll have to have it once, and you may as well get it over. After one trial, you can

I cried, and wrenched at the be

my l

and insinuat

have th

then I won't counte

rned

!" I s

a trusting reverence, met mine. My res

he carriage?" I stammered,

," he answer

let him depart wi

to enjoy the dance. The Infant and Towers were hilarious to the point of vulgarity: I let myself go at the will of Jones. When

ven, my lord,

ic motions t

im!" I

w," he whispered

y to Towers. He shook hi

friends to dinner?" I

. "I thought your lordship 'a

h in the apology. Jones was more

which is the more formal initial of Ted, and would do for Everett. In my relief, I felt I must submit to the nuisance of dressing-in honour of Jones. While changing my trousers, a sudden curiosity took me. I peeped through the keyhole of my sitting-room, and saw Jones just arriving with another bottle of Heidsieck. I groaned. I knew I should have to drink

oothe me. Thenceforward I chuckled continuously. I refused the parfait aux frais an

caressing my moustache

be exhausted long since. I

ordship say

rt beat voluptuous music. "You don

ester was that fond of it (used to drink it like your lordshi

my own out of that little black box under my bed. I couldn't possibly g

said Jones anxiously. "I'll

ed, gl

turned g

rd," he said, setting dow

Damtidam. Then Jones departed, and I went about kicking the furniture,

d Towers came rushing i

ll Jones's aristocratic ambition

ant. "He's coaxed us out of

a sickly

llowed. "What's this howlin

ler," I e