The Wit of Women / Fourth Edition

v rum thin a f

rd and shpice; and

uinea jist ou

shtomick, beg

ave me, but di

er alive wid a q

ttle pigs in tha

a-shtarvin' and

her boy-the shpa

shworn that I mur

that same, but I s

by chance wid a

d him well till th

here's one man al

ez be grav

wid yez sigh

ye're sick at O'

or a gint

's Magazi

erience of a "culled" brother, what ca

-TIME R

IA PIC

you give Meriky de terriblest beating las' ni

ifying how I rules my folks at home, and 'stablishes order dar when it's p'intedly neede

toss dat mush-head ob hern and talk proper as two dixunarys. 'Stead ob she call-in' ob me "daddy" and her mudder "mammy," she say: "Par and mar, how can you bear to live in sech a one-hoss town as this? Oh! I think I should die." And right about dar she hab all de actions ob an' old drake in a thunder-storm. I jes' stared at dat gal tell I make her out, an' says I to myself: "It's got to come;" but I don't say nothin' to nobody 'bout it-all de same I knowed it had to come fus' as las'. Well, I jes' let her hab more rope, as de sayin' is, tell she got whar I 'cluded war 'bout de end ob her tedder. Dat was on last Sunday mornin', when she went to meetin' in sich a rig, a-puttin' on airs, tell she couldn't keep a straight track. When she camed home she brung kumpny wid her, and, ob course, I couldn't do nuthin' then; but I jes' kept my ears open, an' ef dat gal didn't disquollify me dat day, you ken hab my hat. Bimeby dey all gits to talkin' 'bout 'ligion and de churches, and den one young buck he step up, an' says he: "Miss Meriky, give us your 'pinion 'bout de matter." Wid dat she flung up her head proud as de Queen Victory, an' says she: "I takes no intelligence in

l jes' hab to bring you roun' de shortest way possible." So I retch me a fine bunch of hick'ries I done prepared for dat 'casion. And den she jumped up, and says she: "What make you think I loss my senses?" "Bekase, darter, you done forgot how to walk and to talk

r natural voice back. What chu'ch does you 'long to, Meri

"What chu'ch does you 'long to, darter?" And say

she, fairly shoutin': "Baptiss; I'se a deep-water Baptiss." "Berry good," says I. "You don't 'spect to hab your name tuck of

n dem new-fandangle chu'ches no more. Why, she jes' walks as straight dis morning, and looks as peart as a sunflower. I'll lay a t

Baptis is

s written

lib and d

s written

say it, Brover Horace, you beats any man on church guber

at my han's may be strengthened. Dey feels mighty weak after dat convers

rated consolation

OLEFUL'

Y KYLE

: "It's such a comfort to see you, Aunty Doleful. You have such a flow of conversation, and are so lively." Bes

pasms in the heart, and went off like a flash. Parthenia is young to bring the baby up by hand. But you must be careful, and not get anxious or excited. Keep quite calm, and don't fret about anything. Of course, things can't go on

I saw her talking to a man at the gate. He looked to me like a burglar. No doubt she'll let him take the impression of the door-key in wax, and then he'l

can't tell whether a child is blind, or deaf and dumb, or a

your comfort, if it does turn out to have anything dreadful the matter with it.

there with sun-stroke. You must prepare your mind to have him brought home any day. Anyhow, a trip on these railroad tra

t dreadful things hang over

Cornelia. Little Isaac Potter has it, and I s

Good-by. How pale you look, Cornelia! I don't believe you have a good doctor. Do send him away and try some one else. You don't look so

aken Fanny Fern's place on that widely circulated paper, is a prominent member of "Sorosis," and her

cutionist who is expected to entertain his friends with so

er "Thanksgiving Growl" a bit of honest experience, refreshing with its plain Sa

SGIVING

t some more chi

that oven!

d slack. Set tha

ss' sake do cl

and marbles on m

der? John Henry

from under fo

l you had? If t

ans. Do step a

dn't asked

ving. Good gracio

ater on. Lord,

so tired in

cake to frost,

n't cut pumpkin

husbands know

s; but, for all

mpkin with my t

ant yourself on

own so hard th

good. Them cran

gall beside. Ha

d. John Henry,

'twill be w

be?" Yes, how

ack'll be. If

ess. I don't ex

ather neither-

n this house.

ain't stuffed!

ves of bread. Say

re. You are th

Lor'! there's De

to-morrow. Th

ile. I neve

lazy critte

ome, there woul

she'll fill up h

as. John Henr

boy get out?

s full of rais

and you neve

ked so much I cle

the Governor

would be so p

Day? He'd bee

ork. What, get

dding? Well,

o friend or

r haven't as

. There! I thi

e onions are to

toes, apples

o bake, and l

-I really thin

TER

BUT NOT

e interesting articles in the Critic w

can say is, when you want to see squalor, come and visit me in Oxford Street!' She puts down her heavy coffee-cup of stone-china with its untasted coffee at a little country inn, saying, with a sigh: 'It's no use; I can't get at it; it's like trying to drink over a stone wall.' She writes in a letter: 'We parted this morning with mutual satisfaction; that is, I suppose we did; I know my satisfaction was mutual enough for two.' She asks her little restless daughter in the most insinuating tones if she would not like to sit in papa's lap and have him tell her a story; and when the little daughter responds with a most uncompromising 'no!' turns her inducement into a threat, and remarks with severity: 'Well, be a good girl, or you will have to!' She complains, when you have kept her waiting while you were buying undersleeves, that you must have bought 'undersleeves enough for a centipede.' You ask how poor Mr. X-- is-the disconsolate widower who a fortnight ago was

al specimens of this

e "New England Bygones" is so interwoven with the simple pathos of her memories that it can

ME CHI

.H.

ce was covered with freckles, and her eyes, in winter, were apt to be inflamed. She always seemed to have a mop in her hand, and she had no respect for paint. She was as neat as old Dame Safford herself, and was continually "straightening things out," as she called it. Her temper, like her hair, was somewhat fiery

ind of a courtesy, with which her skirts puffed out all around like a cheese. She always courtesied to Parson Meeker when she met him, and said: "I hope to see you well, sir." Once she courtesied in a prayer-meeting to a man who offered her a chair, and told him, in a shrill voice, to "keep his setti

e zenith far toward the western horizon, and at night staring in at windows with its eye of fire. It was the talk of the people, who pondered over it with a helpless wonder. I recall two Whitefield women as they stood, one morning, bare-armed in a doorway, s

yface, and the dry earth is full of cracks. Betsy declares that it is "going on two months since there has been any rain

she thinks the tail of the comet "has started, and is coming right down to whisk it off from the line." I believe her, and distinctly remembe

moke from the air. Directly, the tail of the comet began to

sest man in Whitefield could neither tell whence it came nor whither it went. One thing, however, was certain: Farmer Lathem said that ne

MEE

.H.

d: Its color was of reddish-brown, and, I am sorry to say, so far as it was seen, it was not her own. It was called a scratch, and Betsy said Mrs. Meeker "would look enough sight better if she would leave it off." Whether any hair at a

ON M

.H.

I used to think this was because Mrs. Meeker had stitched their leaves fast together. Betsy said they were just like Deacon Saunders's breaking-up plough, "and went tearing right through sin." The parson, when I knew him, was a little slow

Saunders, who sat behind, waked up with a loud snort. The deacon was always talking about the sermons being "powerful in doctrine." When Be

ids' Paradise;" also the description of "Joppa," by Grace Denio Litchfield, in "Only an Incident." There are others from which it is not possible to make extracts. Miss Woolson's admirable "For the Major," though pathetic, almost tragic, in its underlying feeling, is, at the same time, a story of exquisite humor, from which, nevertheless, not a single sentence could be quoted that would be called

"At Bent's Hotel," which ought to have a place in this volume; but my publisher says authori

ing article, that it must be included. It gives in pr

L REPU

L FRANCE

rt, but which has since assumed colossal proportions that threaten to overshadow much of the innocent happiness of my otherwise placid existence. What wonder, then, that I try to avert this danger from young and inexperienced

, when I first began to gaze upon the world of real

ere was the weight that pulled me down-tolerably amusing. For I met some curious people, and saw and heard some remarkable things; and as I went among my friends I often used to give an account of my observations, until at last I discovered that wherever I went, and unde

to conversation. I can, indeed, make gingerbread and six different kinds of pudding, but I hesitate to mention it, because the cook is far in advance of me in all these particulars, not to mention numerous other ways in which she excels. I have thus but one resource in life; and when I

s possess a slight "sense of the humorous," which has undoubtedly given rise to the fatal demand upon me, but I do not remember ever having been very funny. There never was any danger of my experiencing difficulties like Dr. Holmes on that famous occasion when he was as funny as he could be. I have often been as funny as I could be, but the smallest

ess than three families had company for whose entertainment something must be done; that two young and interesting friends of mine just about to be engaged to each other would be simply inconsolable if the plan were given up; and, in short, t

he train into the city, which didn't make it pleasanter for any of us. I had made an especially delicate cake to take with me as my share of the feast, and while we were at breakfast I he

k to it," said the cook; "and it was meself that saw the hea

and boiled eggs

ions in his third worst trousers. His second worst were already in the mending basket, so nothing remained for me but

affectionate farewell, lost her small balance, and came rolling down-stairs after me. No serious harm was done, but it took nearly an hour before I suc

looking bored to death, and I soon perceived that it was expected of me to provide amusement and entertainment for the crowd. I tried to rally, therefore, and proposed

into desperation by one evil-minded old woman, who asked me if it were true that my husband was involved in the failure of Smith, Jones & Co., I launched out and becam

et and shawls, when it was rudely dashed by the following conversation, conducted by two ladies to whom I had been introduced that day. They were standing at a little d

y to make themselves so

to be funny when they h

Maria was thinking abo

p quiet when they haven't anything to say. I'm glad i

kly as possible, making an inward resolution to avoid all pic

ning of the day it was to take place I received a telegram stating that my great-aunt had died suddenly in California. Now people don't usually care much about their great-aunts. They can bear to be chast

be very short the opportunity of our meeting would probably be lost. So I wrote instead a note to the daughter of my great aunt, and when the time came I went to the lunch party with a heavy heart. I had no opportunity of telling my friend of the sad news I had received that m

y, but you never can tell how it will be. She w

s rather a moody person anyway; she won't

r, with the tone and look that told m

your immediate relatives, if you like, in convulsions of inextinguishable laughter all the time; but when you mingle in society guard your secret with your life. Never make a joke, and, if necessar

e, who has shown such rare power

SMITH I

S EGBERT

ain in the dry distance. The girl, gravely impassive, beat the clothes with the heavy paddle. Her mother sh

th, he war powerful ill-conducted. Nobody hed thought of hevin' much of a fight-thar hed been jes' a few licks passed atwixt the men thar; but the fust finger ez war laid on this boy, he

eaceable boy enough, ef he ain't jawed

. "Waal, wimmen-ef-ef-ef they air young an' toler'ble hard-headed yit, air likely ter jaw some, ennyhow. An' a gal oughtn

diplomatic intention. The girl seemed deliberately to review it as she paused in her work. Then, with a ris

good-featured woman, an' a fust-rate manager, yer Aunt Malviny air, an' both her husbands lef' her suthin-cows, or wagons, or land. An' they war quiet men when they war alive, an' stays whar they air put now that they air dead; not like old Parson Hoodenpyle, what his wife hears stumpin' round th

she thought only of the mountain cattle and to see the red cow's picturesque head and crumpled horns thrust over the sassafras bushes, or to hear the brindle's clanking bell. It was certainly less unexpected to Cynthia when a young mountaineer, clad in brown jean trousers and a checked homespun shirt, emerged upon the

e breath of the bellows. Just now he was meekly quailing before the old woman, whom he evidently had not thought to find here. It was as apt an illustration as might be, perhaps, of the inferiority of strength to finesse. She seemed an i

yar along o' we-uns, 'Vander?" she continued, with simulated anxiety. "Hev that thar red heifer o' ou

he tried to regain his natural manner. "I kem down hyar," he remarked, in an off-hand way, "ter git a drink o' water." H

Creek war a-goin' dry over yander a-nigh the shop, so ye an' Pete would hev ter kem hyar thirstin' fur water

-soap in it," said Cynthia, confused and blus

v ter kem a haffen mile ter git a drink, 'Vander, ez surely Pete'll hev ter kem, too. Waal, waal, who would hev b'lieved ez Lost Creek would

ek ain't gone dry nowhar, ez I knows on," he admitted, mechanical

of "Anne," I give the pe

S LO

se," said Miss Lois, "and fried hasty-pudding. On Wedne

d shiftless. And certainly she was a faithful guide-post, continually pointing out an industrious and systematic way, which, however, to the end of time, no French-blooded, French-hearted person will ever travel, unless dragged by force. The villagers preferred their lake trout to Miss Lois's salt codfish, their tartines to her corn-meal puddings, and their eau-de-vie to her green tea; the

owever, that this was not much, a rigid system of keys and excellent locks prevailing in the well-watched household. Miss Lois's conscience would not allow her to employ half-breeds, who were sometimes endurable servants; duty required, she said, that she should have full-blooded natives. And she had them. She always began to teach them the alphabet within three days after their arrival, and the spectacle of a tearful, freshly-caught Indian girl, very w

RCUS A

H ORNE

great elephant whose look of general discouragement went to my heart, for it seemed as if he were miserably conscious of a misspent life. He stood dejected and motionless at one side of the tent, and it was hard to believe that there was a spark of vitality left in

droned out: "Ye-es, there's consider'ble of him

about nothing for a fortnight." There was a picture of a huge snake in Deep Haven, and I was just wondering where he could be, or if there ever had been one, when we heard a boy ask the same question of the man whose thankless task it was to stir up the lions with a stick to make them roar. "The snake's dead," he answered, good

he wails of a deserted dog. We had not meant to see the side shows; but when we came in sight of the picture of the Kentucky giantess, we noticed that Mrs. Kew looked at it wistfully, and we immediately asked if she cared anything about going to see

"but I guess she's big enough; doesn't she look discouraged, poor creatur'?" Kate and I felt ashamed of ourselves for being there. No matter if she had consented to be carried round for a show, it must have been horrible to be stared at and jok

. Kew; "but you've altered some since I saw you, and I couldn't place you till I hea

t do nothing to earn a dollar, and everybody was a-coming to see me, till at last I used to ask 'em ten cents apiece, and I scratched along somehow till this man came round and heard of me; and he offered me my keep and good pay to go along with him. He had another giantess before me, but s

cky long?" asked Mrs. Kew. "I

nd fifty pounds, but I don't weigh more than four hundred. I haven't been weighed for some time past. Between you and me, I don't

e and I said good-afternoon, the giantess looked at us gratefully, a

in and see the wonder of the world, ladies and gentlemen-the l

RK TO

p of

CHANDLER

the waves flow, and the winds blow, and captain smiles, and stewardess beguiles, and all is music, music, music. How the wild, exultant strains rose and fell-but everything rose and fell on that boat, as we found out afterward. Just here a spirit of justice falls on me, like the gentle dew from heaven, and forces me to admit that it rained like a young deluge; that it had been raining for

eavy swells were the order of the day. Then there was a benevolent old lady who believed in everything-in the music, and the Jane Moseley, and the long days, and the summer. There was another old lady of restless mind, who evidently believed in nothing, hoped for nothing, expected not

e or two sad-eyed young men made their way in that direction from time to time-after their sea-legs, perhaps. From their gait when they came back I inferred they did not find them. The human nature in the saloon became a weariness to me. Even the gentle gambols of the dog Thaddeus, a sportive and spotted pointer in whom I had been interested, failed to soothe my perturbed spirits. De Quincey speaks somewhere of "the awful solitariness of every human soul." No wonder, then, that I should be solitary among the festive few on board the Jane Moseley-no wonder I felt myself darkly, deeply, desperately blue. I thought I would go on deck. I clung to my companion with an ardor which would have been flattering had it been voluntary. My faltering steps were guided to a seat just within the guards. I sat there thinking that I had never nursed a dear gazelle, so I could not be quite sure whethe

nundrum to me why so much greater anxiety should be bestowed upon her health than upon her sister's. It needed some moral reflection to make it out; but I concluded that pretty girls were, by some law of nature, more subject to sea-sickness than plain ones; therefore, all these careful cares were quite in order. I saw the two old ladies-the benevole

alf-forgotten joy. At last there rose a cry-Newport! The sleepers started to their feet. I started to mine, but I discreetly and quietly sat down again. Was it Newport, at last? Not at all. The harbor lights were gleaming from afar; and the cry was of the bandmaster shouting to his emissaries, arousing fiddle and flute and bassoon to their deceitful duty. They had played us out of port-they would play us in again. They had promised us that all should go merry as a marriage-bell, and-I would not be understood to complain, but it had been a sad occasion. Now the deceitful strains rose and fell again upon the salt sea wind. The many lights glowed and twinkled fr

st. A hackman preyed upon me. I was put into an ancient ark and trundled on through the queer, irresolute, contradictory old streets, beside the lovely bay, all aglow with the lighted yachts, as a Southern swamp is with fire-flies. A torchlight procession met and escorted me. To this hour I am at a loss to know whether this attention was a de

TER

OUS P

oems and doggerel rhymes with

IRST

RETIA

d the new inve

has invente

stick wi

which yo

ong, it acts

men have

the thi

read, through tha

r the edges m

beautiful

f those wearisom

ome thorns?"

seam

ng th

they by the

d jumping, and l

ntry w

't hold

bear-skins al

houlders down

e tiresome tho

hem ever cons

men let us thi

ir clothes the

p a seam for

delightful tre

ng, too, for the

ere is but on

passing it r

t was fit f

man wou

ake the

a man so foo

an could sew

s babbling and sc

ight let us do t

m shout

bears a

their spears and

us this thing

a joy above all

night and se

are!" cried an

at you promis

t 'twill

the lo

you had let

is stick w

k and

d ages you'll si

longer the se

h you never ha

ght tha

p back

return to their h

he women forev

the words of

left her mu

thread that they

ust keep as da

UNNY

PHINE P

story! how I wish yo

-laughing, from the

ell it, but I don't

to the music of

n it, then Amelia

Susan try their

ariah on his mother

chorus to the

story, with its chee

told it with so m

he door-yard would beg

olic they were anx

ha! ha!-and a-ho! h

I never could begi

e was in it, for I j

ha! ha! ha! and it

d tell it, looking

xpression that no a

heard it, why you w

ocket-handkerchief to

silvered, and my st

my vision are the

y picture, and the te

en I used to-ha! ha!

ONN

PHINE P

oet wrot

t a pret

itic sat

he so

he bo

ing

it were hi

either rhym

d it's out

? the

he b

be

feeble i

rthier

tic inno

a s

bon

was

put togeth

ing very

tic crushed

he bo

he s

the

, A MI

M.E.W.

, tho' the bel

lking I thi

, oh, pray b

of, but never

, a real liv

tle the sa

n and some on

care a fig f

a pastor (do

ed on a time

mons were wr

reached them

mistake, th

such a des

and laymen

, "He's no

e "old nick

is stranger

were so tedi

t, till the

ame anothe

preached in

so awkwar

led him off

ame anothe

eally ought to

onsidered h

he secret

ks of nerv

him for eve

, oh, never

oth in forc

d, a minist

each his old

short prayers w

that the ear

y forbearin

es whereve

ous, nor lac

es without

d, a minist

ere nerves ca

mplains of th

is roused t

to the wisdo

ied patien

e in politi

his cler

or the prese

eak in an

for Preside

em, why le

upon doctrin

e can take

dle with pr

st preach "c

y wanted

n enough to

ary's excee

lone must m

t the sick a

with those

the "funer

ery pecu

at the north-we

y Thurs

too numerou

o, and mu

of carefu

ful and el

his cravat

eaver, dec

ne will deign

ur peculia

t to subscri

to right up

in doctri

mittee of in

of these requ

him perhaps

irds of the ch

le him her

tise, "Wanted

a minist

DDY OF

CROLY

t, I'm the swe

journeying from

nat-u-rally

with all the

ng, but say

ose, likewise

d, my great i

a brainless

ht, and waves

ust be seen throu

but flee fro

s as well as I

look down on

eer at me-beh

art is not "wit

me is one co

aptain sends m

now an idiot

wills and are

they are going

e I! For whe

h buttons brig

cluster 'rou

m for love of

ance, and foo

in past and f

now an ocea

st, and take th

t, I'm the swe

d the tail-end

our years' cour

the list of Na

agazine Bric-

ANT PO

GARET

dressed in

a mos

ond, and s

rth, my

my Ly,

tty Po

ing very sw

der Pol

moist, the

a hea

e out to wi

my Pol

my Ly-

eful Po

not, bel

ious Po

ay went clou

ng on t

end I me

angry P

s flashed, sh

ed almos

, sir, call m

ecious P

d think you'd

low, m

know-to str

s Miss M

d laugh that

led off

ound he kicke

ary, M

oh, Ry-

d Miss M

s gracious!

for Mar

PRETTY

RY D.

Poll!" the pa

y Poll," r

I stole a

room all

ne plied her

y the wind

eld upon

e of blush

Poll," the

t dare not t

another gl

drooped her

or something

s only feign

ss Poll," the

hing I lon

e turned to

you keep that

said I, "at

let me, de

, never min

ne said it

vantage ju

parrot bor

er's

NG-DAY (TH

RY D.

ing-day,

helor

winds that w

that sai

meerschaum

ed back

mantel plac

ould heed

s gathered

an hour

meet them

till nigh

ent as plea

he first

ago! Ah,

dom's age

note just co

low, wil

day? and me

number

s quite as

t a ye

t, happily,

I've learn

, if the trut

to join

Benedick

e to oth

y answer: "F

egret-oh

truth, I'v

ear mothe

er's

ING MOS

ated to their D

ANNA A

have the

nuous ap

oisonous p

ing nightl

your life'

ractical p

ad the po

every m

ass a peac

all noctur

on my cir

regular

rascally

low you mu

n't do if yo

evermore

scuous on y

eldom hit th

ing most a

ol and ca

he tunes hi

lody of s

eds to ser

ssfully e

er gets thro

pward to t

its in dee

hed on your

h solid sa

s of his

now, in thi

ay secure

elf and c

tes and from

ense by qui

indow-skee

ILTS O

VICTORI

l sat in her

husband's gr

through the

the baby's

away with a

rt was sore, t

he troublesom

re seven,

s, frocks, and

mended by

she said, in a

ave, and contr

pose we sha

me which is

own fr

rom the

of fish and ta

o herself she

read from the l

l into her p

re-we're, wife,

a, ha! I'd

hair if you'r

ve, don't! the

he news for yo

nt you that wh

o end to our

lways would ca

idn't invite

s only heir

pounds, at th

d diamonds, l

's spirits ro

arried you, Ma

roke forth int

aring the str

he little bac

th the very n

erel family h

way with mi

partner by b

giggle, they la

is head the

ig with his

eat for a ma

ad danced u

idge stage, whe

oom had been a gr

Mac should p

range, if the

ul days have

pass with her

rl may make

to get such a

pounds of

ought would have

bbed, and courte

of corks to a

the soberest

Mackerels in

'clock when th

rough Mrs. M

dreams went

e-wheel," she de

seemed made of

spokes, with

erel had

upward-te

y husband

of very am

her long and

e rear of the

times she wa

her soul for

Brimstone, Fi

and pleasure

ition had s

say, are a bu

burden she d

t all with co

usband with n

eat, drink, an

use with a dou

use in the

planks in th

of extra-mag

all, in the

e said, "of th

as chased her,

ot, she could,

th curtains o

s with these

ky and the st

h, in the pur

hibus

reach the

in common aff

r original po

fired, her ar

t from the re

one," her h

turned very

n't endure th

store, and the

ths she plott

elf from the

even the

of thousands on

last, spread

stilts, are t

stilts," Mrs.

of her overt

timidly sh

t care-"For wh

er of more than

ng the

ery same

eople, she cou

p a shop, for

ir of the ar

ld, gorgeou

color of pr

lashed in th

ly practise

entured from

er girlish ski

fered many a

stubborn, and

en stilts t

least, from the

n exqui

month

ts came out f

first

e shilling sid

istled, the b

rivers their

oaster his che

f corn no lo

dandies deig

he heads o

the vision meet

sparkled and f

ous lights of t

llow and sapph

e rainbows i

y she strode

sty too sup

g but an Am

jewels sup

uch very expe

nly do whate

espite of the

c delight of t

re a very dec

crême paid profo

lerks bowed in s

ir shops, that they

went into ra

day, gave her f

highly-esteemed

Codfish Squar

fashions, hersel

nt and stylis

r friends will c

stilts, by the cl

el, now, wa

chamber, da

tilts were a

osing from s

pon many a d

the perfume

ng folds of her

d smell throug

odor of fo

her golden s

ecame her bet

ring lips were

am not as my

loved as a

was built on

t out as a s

lambs of his

a help to the

its self-ex

ore the sea

dozen excell

el gave a s

tilts to rece

s mimicked th

e birds, in thei

their beaut

ay their mu

kerel's con

on stilts;

loftiest c

f her friends

hem of her j

screamed himse

to dance; whi

done on st

to him rath

when Mackerel

as very fo

he music swel

tingling

tickling, fu

agree with he

ned music was

was wildest-be

began to ho

cy feet of a

ghty owner, t

in, spinning

got out

angerous stil

orner, at

oking like un

e stilts at the

unrequested

glittered so

flew in flash

e burning, rev

on the lady's

r light in je

el gazed in

precedente

ve, stop!" he

flew more w

s and fiddles,

if their t

such a bew

w the lad

ring of e

she wore on t

tilts were pr

stilts, non

round the ma

danced at her

s bent the tre

ave been a

blood will so

round the wi

whispered

or Mack was

t little re

in love with

fame's ent

, and the wor

a faithful,

however, al

hat the soft,

her back to

memory play

ed herself on

tinsel cro

gazes with pr

y say, "must

erel was

anced at her

c swelled more

uddered with

burned now with

ering, phosph

he lady's ga

that very p

mstone? no o

stronger th

and the lady bu

around the

l gazed in a

the throng, or

train like the

length t

oaned

e made from her

window, sti

guests can

ed when she

e that she

fish with a

ure she went o

ilts like a w

orent odor fol

may, she nev

r friends of t

te of unplea

unless they u

use of their do

r pride, and th

t a similar

litan Ar

ST

VICTORI

maid, one

ing in th

re told, was

was Patie

he pretty

e young m

were flushe

ent on her

guess what th

er bosom

fingers, swi

and round t

r Joshua, ba

grew few

e time, to te

edged near

r ball of y

so fast a

give his a

another

kein; of cour

, snarled a

e!" cried the

ho her a

s this for ton

ten all

e!" cried he,

really h

done; no more

edles in t

s Mrs. Jo

was Patien

VENTOR

T. CO

patience of Job. Humph! J

ijah Brown, folks wouldn't

tell you what-ef you want

ces with me a spell, for

I'm never sure when I

"improvin'" it, and it m

a cradle once that woul

baby out, and wasn't h

ent peeler," too, a wo

never stopped till the

nd mowin' machines, and re

heaps of them, but they

him-not at all; he's

workshop there, and wh

to go by steam, or a n

barefoot to school, and the

p' company, he wasn't

he was dreadful smart-

ictur' then, and he had

time would come when

d to chop the wood, and

ttin' there, I've jest

ur turnip crop while

f my marcies when it b

burglar alarm." It ought

man out of his wits, e

'Bijah's crazy, he doe

s bedstead yit? 'Twas fu

d it up, and a cloc

urn them hands, and

hook itself, and boun

like a box, so you co

t all complete, and he s

n got into it, when-

whizz and whirr! I

ead with 'Bijah inside s

t 'twant no use. Then I w

pesky thing. At las

ice inside, and I thou

smashed it in. There was

t out agin. That was

d have found it out if

ou my story, do you wo

I often wish I warn'

UFFLED

ld Woman who k

IE W. C

egress at

ing in

work is a

of res

black as d

is bent

er bony vi

ed her wri

scant and m

her eb

a soft and

ly Mech

e contrast st

is seld

s aged fa

es of a

stately, pro

her look

m light wit

n unruff

anodder ob

les low

e sleek Cen

dey mount

ob a l

is im

ey gins to

members

at spruce

d to tak

quibbs, d

n each wo

years I t'

it was

ook hands w

ise Gener

all de gene

er was,

al Lee and

eral D

dem high-f

ings cam

buy dem so

Aunt T

isn't dis c

me Aunti

axed dem,

dey gabe

onary ha

ce of d

I was ole

d dar tim

wished to

r and as

nruffled

ed my la

e knew da

ghtily li

goodness,

in't rea

t in your

one whi

e passin' by

l and get

Guy, about

, it see

is more

you use

pride is sti

od is mi

spares

our shirt

ndle ends

-gloss an

wristbands

ay ob de

a gemman

e vests eb

har-oil o

t's time

d around a

en har

man's goin

ng's wron

laugh, and

g 'bout

use to know

er care

a lady wore

hing lea

say Miss

dat's to

really wa

mind tel

come by dis

us, but i

washed for

n't more'n

f his shirt

my corn

General sa

was ma

e got to

s best Du

he 'lowed it

one chawe

General he

red with

arks warn't

ly dose o

showed he

ed me on

ma'am arri

hed me 'cr

de lace a

d it on

dies I ho

shroud w

meets on J

it back

my story,

's litt

rned to, whe

lean bre

onscience sm

if much y

ruffled b

al's Sun

LSTER

OTTE FIS

ity's Ex

congrega

to my gre

th-cove

looked, and

e sure my si

myself

ow surely

Christian

t strang

wear his ha

leave him

change

friend on

soon was

ered lau

good, too

, but Miss

stian tha

r all I ha

ost unchr

Miss Mo

hat, my c

an ulster

knows wha

EXTRAO

ETIA DA

am in the midst

dreamed it, it

along in such

'er saw any p

a law had bee

d bachelors' pat

make them all

large as a man

rumbled and sai

injustice and

save their own hearts

ax they would no

determined them

the old bachel

t through the t

bell and a t

to all he might

bachelors sol

all the old ma

very best bo

ixty, fair, plai

ption, all floc

r then in his

aloud, as he

a bachelor? Wh

ery maiden res

a highly extr

all were sold

idens, some youn

ld bachelor home

R ARE TO T

BELLA

the meetinous

s supposed to!

, and sumtimes le

t smells orful-

Bel and toles i

urvivin' pardners

servaces gits

thinks deer l

e starlite in a

s when the we

e as not green w

hierd to do i

t there are

gold which do

anything except

re, Sextant, I

ut o' dores, so

do with itself,

es and bloin o

est as free as

n our church its

lls when ajunts

purty often, ta

nuthing to nobo

0 men women

latter, up in

ths, none of em

um is scroflus,

none, and sum

f em brethes i

t, or 1 million and

church full of are

een minnets, and th

must breth it

so on, till each

and let it up agi

dible doant hav

is own are an

take wotever

t you know our

er of life an

ow can bellusses

re? I put it to

me to us as m

o fish, or pe

airbs unto an

pills unto

ls. Are is for

who preaches ef

's Pollus to sin

breth! Why Sex

cant brethe no

xtant? let m

ttle are in

sertin proper

ek days and o

trobble-onl

are will come

me in where it

will rouze

the preacher,

nd fijits a

dry boans the

tian W

PTE

ATURED

rry seeing the danger of "higher education," and Helen Gray Cone laughing over the exaggerated

ERN M

LOTTA

he gay season, and I

party given by M

ant duty to take o

an present. I was

question was an art

eliness was she

s could be, her voice

rp, and wiry, but

nd flossy, golden,

nd sunny, shone wit

ery fellow in the r

wished himself that

we tasted, like a g

tribute to this mus

tly asked me-and I own

opinions on the pre

blossom resting o

a safe one-I could

y Venus, she gave me

calmly a botan

overed. As her tap

ediction, in a li

estion, she brought u

lly echoed that o

sinner, right on throu

oral science, of

ion, of Free Trad

k upon her with a

ely woman, looking m

scrimination of I

weet smile, quoting Hux

velation-it was b

ematics, agricultu

lpture-she knew all

roscuro, and at las

te serenely, as she

adful creatures, wit

tore of learning set

to swear if I have e

stion settled by s

nty maiden so rem

finger with the lov

say it, and I trust

cious heaven that

ago T

OF CASSAN

EN GRA

summer, when one's hea

costume, and a man'

season to have me

iled, unstudied, had t

d us poems, in a n

e lent music to the

shadowing lashes, in an

ious glimpses of the he

listened. Ah, I d

, no larger than th

t in fiction, sprea

she should study el

t efforts were not

e Maaybel, with her fa

-trrremble-" which, al

l nature to the thing

lful Quiver, she acqui

Young Grayhead" would

ry Tragic did her

to tatters when she

or a fellow when th

on the carpet, while h

ould murmur? Yet it

al gatherings and sea

ok upon her, in my

when her awful o

ttle, murder, sudden

arning, and a blig

l a-dreaming; some o

ngly with those h

k this evening," recent

m of anguish: "Curfew S

s a curfew, quenchin

a woman one so oft w

" that ladder, swift my

e cynic; she is st

ENDER

EN GRA

pon the bur

d grouse he sho

ief was in

u do it, dear

athetic move

hushed-"Oh,

e partridge

he sin is qu

savage, throu

always br

birds' eggs,

rfly upo

worm in an

pretty trou

ish for trout

from the que

Burns's "Wo

burning line

on the fo

ge on the w

n's "Forb

eel his wi

g's "Donal

rrendered a

st of all g

beneath the

lashes hang

to give aw

find her poi

ith happy p

uently asc

hat with h

the Ce

ved for that encyclop?dia! This specimen,

ED: A.

CE WIL

ith but a si

s that be

e, lo

rt! You've c

d to see

died or some

since you'

ment? Gra

t the mark

ictim? Ch

n't you? Wel

chios! spl

not so h

ike a ser

ortune-bes

nsense. Don'

ch as lov

oted, an

sed to him

Humbug. Don'

wn, don't

ave of flame

t at board

iffed." I t

ars back. F

easons ki

views of lif

ll Latrobe

eft two y

hrown up a

nsas, do

a settl

pe, dear,

hardly i

"Love i

see, I'd h

ged to ei

some time,

't much m

s old maids

should ma

eme my who

rd the cha

le, what c

ants a st

well enou

ettle dow

ve-stuff!

sn't it?

de Maud H

h envy an

half so ni

te you, B

ied for Ch

in and cu

taken Jac

it's all f

over once,

she'll sca

e Church, Bro

mind expe

f his hand

tune two y

au shall o

lanche from

e my dress

be just ra

Monthly Ma

e time will ever forget Mrs. Runkle's review of "St. Elmo," or Gail Hamilton's criticism of "The Story of Avis," while Mrs. Rollins, in the Critic, often

itious, with

ark abysms of t

o'er the toweri

where Peace

streams, and

nights, cups of sorrow drained to the lees, etc., are presented in such profusion that to struggle through the 'dark abyss' in search of the 'ray of hope' is much like taking a cup of poison to learn the sweetness of its antidote. Mr. -- in one of his stanzas invites his soul to 'come and walk abroad' with h

's imitations of various authors, written in her young days, but quite equal

RAG

L.H

h the cold and

oil divine of

cares and ag

, a sweet and

h in all the st

ful gift

great

lve cantos, s

rlhood, e'en

lden

intenses

st, just at th

r eyes foreve

d through

I s

omb, I made

ge that poor, l

edit

isher I

and good. He

here a line, th

ould not pay."

with troubled

w than i

t so many parodies have been made on Kingsley's "Three Fishers" that now I can enjoy a really good one, like this

HREE

King

IAN WH

t sailing down

East as the s

t the editor

me spring poetr

write tho' th

natures will

harbor bar

climbed to the

ld find in al

o conceal themselv

the poets had

must write, thoug

spirit must t

ditors all w

lay out on the

first spring

sat down to a

poets no mor

l write while

othing to earn a

bor bar kee

en, such as "The Dead Doll," by Margaret Vandergrift, and the "

DT

IE K. K

-time, when

ly litt

ie, put you

e to go

urred. "He w

think 't

ould go so

s sat up

said, in pl

ttle ch

sunset e

r long, y

laughed, and

of rogu

know," he sa

oes with

d Ch

N AND TH

E F. CO

robin flew do

orm, which he h

chicken came

he robin with

hat a queer-lookin

so long and it

remarked, loud e

ceedingly stran

bin asked, and the

s turn if the r

ht a tree and th

t the other kne

Nic

by her pen name of "Margaret Sidney"-has done much in a humorous

DOESN'T

GARET

ll sai

stood

e parrot, and the

looked ve

ght, indig

and shook their heads

ok a good

rt and v

friends, you reall

of you

of wedd

whip you all. I ho

y raised

er, ne

I'd rather h

t would

aughty, nau

but Pussy, you

rolled u

cent su

ch trembling

I have

ought to

his thieving, awf

egin ri

u, Poll

aised with right

!" and "O

that fill

heels the frigh

lew out o

flew u

lapped and

tled on

erneath

hered cor

edding-cak

e poor P

to cat-land, and w

t beneath the bed to s

n her roost, and rol

bit of cake, she alw

N TAC

DE CILLEY

e kittens

wake and t

wded, pushed

mother-cat went

kittens stret

pen-eyes, you

nking, purred

tared at him,

ones that

ones that cr

re like good

p, so we'll wa

e kittens,

emurely, lo

mother came ho

ns!" said she; "

H S

IL HA

ty, you mis

pray, to say

itty

on th

wled dreamil

tty, come

st Kitty I e

ell what you'

conceal it, m

lie so la

had a brea

u go and hunt

thing fit to ea

e! Miss

is a

cause of your

me of the bea

r nest in the

ng robins as g

brown little,

eggs all g

birds all ba

bin went fo

ees, and alight

outh wind, he c

t worm down each

bin through

close, and kept

ched the dear

pricked out on t

eeped up o'er th

ty, you kn

mpty, and sil

e four littl

u have done

y weep? your hear

your bold chee

re chasing you

ddle down in t

ball, and r

ot try to look

obins, old pus

, just as the cl

one opening t

creeping the

breast of it,

Kitty

up he

y much as if c

ed he

from th

my feet, came do

ake, she stretc

whiskers, and un

her gre

air of s

r plainly for o

robins; well

in man can't b

or two I shoul

the chicken

at all that

an overgrown

you a

lain t

s, you lik

my bra

no su

ith viand

he robins? Oh

the cat now

was

stockin

p with

h shabb

of a sharp,

il and set fir

he way from her

he sweet young

fowl,

as I

even the p

ll yo

olesome

ign at tea

caterpilla

robins? Well,

mebody be

illos, if ho

w stones from at

ittle kitten

alta, and wh

very long

hown you three

tches of fou

k as long a

d, if you rea

ttens from ti

m I now? A

ittens, but

harges, but

splurge in the

ender-hearted.

old Black Pond

on't mutter e

er alium fa

think full enoug

for you is go str

y fin

ve come t

must

ussy-ca

flections in L

Young

PTE

MS-COMEDIES BY WOMEN-A DRAMATIC

ul comedies. Of these, three are now forgotten; one, Aphra Behn, is remembered only to be despised for her vulgar

dered her best. The Basset Table is also a superior comedy, especially interesting because it anticipates the modern blue-s

rs. Centlivre's plays are given in magazine articles to prove her wit, but we say so

d tradesmen without a blush, but a

mushrooms, sprin

atest sovereign p

ided hits. Mrs. Verplanck's Sealed Instructions was a marked success, and years ago Fashion, by Anna Cora Mowatt, had a remarkable run. By the way, those roaring farces, Belles of the Kitchen and Fun in a Fog, were written for the Vokes family by an aun

LING G

tis P

asius. Mr.

ears. Girl of

ars. Infant of

T

I. N

in adjoining room; Mrs. A. in foreground performing toilet of infant. Having lain awake half the preceding night wrestling with the plot of a new novel for which rival publisher

longed to see there. He would have preferred to see-" Good gracious, Maria! That child's mouth is full of buttons! "He would have preferred-preferred-" (Loudly.) Leonora! That F's t

ant

ave-" There now, let mamma put on its little socks. Now it's all dressed so nice and clean. Don'ty ky! No, don'ty! Leonora

t both fists into his mouth

uld have liked to find there. He would have preferred-" (Shriek from girl of two.) Oh, dear me! She has shut her dar

ith bottle. C

II.

ring on Girl of Ten's hood, and both dispatched to school, etc. Enter Mrs. A. Draws a long sigh of relief and seats herself at desk. Rea

cent girl-he whom proud beauties of society vied with each other to win? He could not guess. A stray breeze laden with violet and hyacinth perfume stole in at the open window, ruffling the soft waves of auburn hair which shaded h

a large, dripping p

kin' of a piece ye done wanted? I thoug

desperate

k, starin

. "With a wild, pa

nter

de boy what put in d

., sighing, takes up MS. Clock strikes

calling: Mamma, why do

II. Din

r Mr

ham. I hate bread and ham! All the girls have jelly-cake

ve some pennies to

er-snaps! When are you g

nly). When my

th inexpressibl

ain

IV.

l asleep; girls at school; d

I can be let alone until three

murmur of voices is heard; it increases, it approaches, mingled with the tread of many feet, and a rumbling as of mighty chariot-wheels. It is only Barnum's steam orchestrion, Barnum's steam chimes, and Barnum's steam calliope, followe

V. S

ites rapidly. Doorbell rings, cook announces caller; nobody Mrs. A. wants

VI.

s for study. Enter Girl of E

tti

an go and skate; and then won't you please make some jelly-cak

e? Please give me a cent. A girl said her mother wouldn't let her wear darned sto

late-frame; makes jelly-cake and a pudding; goes t

VII. N

d and father with hands full of papers and ge

dren all right, I see. You must have

intly). Not

l, you can't force these thing

ressed feeling). We need t

dignity). Oh, bother! You are no

bill, and the summer outfit for a family of six, says

aven't fixed m

guilty start).

d Conscience.

mid chorus of e

ee. It is there, after all, that she shines perennial and pre-eminent. You will excuse me i

way in which women often react upon each other in repartee, a

married, Kate. Of course you've had lots

ould not so cruelly be

ll us exactly; but would you mind

dest number of all exactly exp

w I know what people mean by

r acquaintance. After much badinage on one side and the other, he said: "Well, you never yet h

r if you had the suffrage?" said

," replied the ready lady; "stay at h

er had a decided aversion to kid gloves, and on meeting Margaret shrank from he

ller, in surprise,

ey, stretching out her

with a disgusted expression, "Ugh! en

ais, had in some way offended the Gardes du Corps. So one night t

alluding to the fact that the Gardes du Corps never went t

during Thiers's administration. When once out of office, but still an influential member of the

tting in the gallery, saw him

ather with his p

nger at her receptions, who, with hands crossed complacently under his coat-tails, was cri

d him critically, and then inquired,

services, excused herself in this fashion, severe, but truthful: "Oh,

ud of Miss Cleveland-to a fine-looking army officer, who has been doing guard duty in that magnificent city f

deeds of our modern army off

ing of Lydia;" and Lucretia Mott's humorous comment when she entered a room where her husband and his brother Richard wer

loved to work. Our physician, a man of infinite humor, who honestly admired her sterling worth, and was attracted by her indivi

andy hue, answered: "I'll tell you all about it, Doctor. I made up my mind, when I was a girl, that, come wh

d them. So that the remark will be appreciated of a lady to whom

nce in despair, for I had been trying two

when she had taken too much wine at dinn

cultivate or express their wit. No man likes to have his story capped by a better and fresher from a lady's lips. What woman does not risk be

right, and thoug

love you if

r fearless expressions of wit, exposed herself to the detestation of the majority of mankin

corresponding throng of admirers. It sometimes seems that what is pronounced wit, if u

d meeting him one ten-degrees-below-zero morning in the winter, said: 'How cold it is, Mr.

there was a general call for the bright but solitary instance. And the contemplative bard continued: "Well, gentlemen, I was standing at the door of my cottage on Rydal Mount, o

ring that he had finished, burst into a long and hearty roar, which t

wn for a moment's sport. The sparkle, the life, the fascinating foam, the gay tints vanish with the occas

heir impromptus beforehand and carefully h

friends, a cor

ansack their treasuries, filching here and there as I chose, always mod

Boston, who have been most courteous a

ccasion, I "drop

unce this bo

hadn't spen

will be a g

no judge of

DE

A

uction

ents

ation

ment

em,

P.

"Transcendental

who were thought Witty-Anne Bradstree

m, by Mercy W

nese Humor; Extracts fr

s Witty Imagin

humorous Poem, "Joshu

e to Woman Dramatist in

ueen of Roumania (

traordinary

.-"If I can't do anything else, I

d Ph?be C

lster and All," Satirical Poem,

amily Epigram app

e Comedies; her u

tion" (for wit) -"A picnic, that most gh

enuine Humor; First Quar

oems, "Kiss Prett

ng Day-Then and

on, by Queen E

oem on, by Caroli

ca": Her quick retorts and merry repartee

Bosom"-a Tragical Tale of a Negre

and her Iris

Elizabeth R

rs., "No Sects

Her Life of P

; Susanna Centlivre wrote nearly a score-contain some wit, but old-f

e Terry, "Kn

Lucinda's

of "A Gift H

.: "The Robin and

n. See "F

atirical Poems-"Cas

Tender He

nventor's Wife," a Po

n, on "Woman's Se

of French

ion Extraordinary" (Sale

Madame

ter of the famous "Will

itable satirist": " The

hinese Question" (read befor

al Notes on Deri

Examples from " Adam Bede"

, Makers

n: on the Name

Herveys-applied to the B

s: on a Music

nah Mor

Ouida"

s Phelp

ose Terry

A.D.T. Wh

dame de Lambert; by Sophie Arno

arriet Ash

an epigram;" by Hannah F. G

ail Hamil

te Fie

er's "Widow

ey's "Josiah Al

t: "Indignant Po

Jeu d'esprit

" Arithmetica

's" Letter to N.

ott's Description of her; her "

cellaneous Closi

tion of woman's quickn

ce Greeley; Miss Margaret Fu

Miss Cleveland; Lyd

?l; Madame Ré

men's Cyn

amilton

, Mrs., H

nd Gill

Madame d

tches from C.M.

New England Ballad, "Jo

Skeeters have the R

nwood's" ma

fferty on the Woma

ady's W

P.: "Peterkin

dle," a poetical Bit

affectionate interest he looked into th

h Sides," an amusing p

iss, "Saman

pinions on Wit; her Anecd

iss Jewe

Fun

ne: "The Circus

Dochther O'Flannigan and h

ne M.: "Borrowin

: Poetic Pun on the

lume "Margaret Sidney"): "Why P

," Epigram on, b

rwood Bonner:" "Aunt

yearnin' fur a han'sum

of Dr. Alon

st Toot

Lost her

y's Lett

: The Radical Club-a

allie: "Cape C

Russell, "Talk

Madame

ady, Famous

Contest of Wit w

dy, A "Fast

eptions

ucretia

: "The Jane Moseley was

Her Popular Play

Charles Egbert Craddock"): "A

wport"-a Trip o

mots of "Stella"; Jane Taylor; M

More

" Epigra

Muller" not justifiable; Grace G

n Kingsley's "Thre

a: "A Modern M

eligion"-" I allus did dispise de

ghable and

edle," L.P. H

ory," J. Poll

ster," M.E.W. S

881," May Croly

ly Wog," M. Ey

Poll," M.D. B

-Then and Now," M

quitoes," A.A.

d;" "Just So," M.V

Wife," E.T. Co

osom," L.W. Cha

nd All," C.F.

rdinary," L. Da

" J. Polla

cott's; Grace Greenwood prolific in; a

hoe Pu

eveland

lizabet

b," Satirica

e Wellington, arti

" VI

de plume "E.H. Arr"), pre-em

r "Old-Time Chil

the Comet

re pizen thi

Croly: Po

an amusing Domestic Drama; Extracts from the Play,

well, Mrs. Sigourney, Mrs.,

E.W.: Satirical

Growl, A (poe

Comedy, "Sealed I

oria: "Miss Slimmi

iniscence of Hood's "Miss Kilmanse

aunt of the performers), " Belles of

e Cilley, "Kitte

s., famous E

on: her Comedies fill

., "Widow Be

Grant. Opinion of

ilian: "The Thr

ice: "Plight

O Sextant of the Me

arch for, Negle

generally De

ondents: Mrs. Runkle; Mrs. R

Ridicule Foibles o

Miss Lois" (housekeeping, with Chi