PERMISSION

like a wet clo

hrough meetings. No one knew I had written that post. No one cou

'll wait," like it was as simple as that. Like I wasn't

ee

sentence that curled into the center of my spine and stayed there. S

oo fast and too sl

felt like thunder was trying to happen but couldn't find the strength. I stood in fro

loft was qui

ver the back of the dining chair and the lighting was low, dimmer than I would've chosen. Amber lamps in

irt. He looked like someone I used to know. Someone

late,"

et my bag dow

with that unnerving quiet, the one that made me fee

you'd changed you

did

't messag

ow,"

l, I thought we

r w

er. Fo

ke I had to protect the idea from him eve

," he said. "Even va

p and surprised

o be in our bedroom, I don't want

worried about?" I a

worried about what happens when she mess

hands. "I think that

t changes

lly if i

bout it felt rehearsed. Like he'd play

he said. "And I need you to ans

ka

u want me to be part of

"What's the

from the edges? Or do y

gination. I had only thought about her hands. Her eyes. Her confi

ght of

the pulse i

w yet," I sa

ke he had ex

wanted you to know I'm not afraid of

ot from sadness. From

time. We ate pasta. We didn't talk much. But there was a softness in the air now. A gentle

ck it up. When I looked up, Ethan's eyes were alr

gining her n

es

do you

ng right there, across the cou

she we

. "Something simple. Maybe

just given him a secret. "Y

me forget I ever want

ound the table. Not

o see you

ow

Like

eath

as asking permission with his fingers. Then his hand

remind you you're still wanted,

ded.

g me for the first time. It wasn't rushed. I

chest. It felt like we were learning

ayed close. On the couch. His head in my lap. My hand in his hair. We

breathed

it felt more i

d me more than

Saturday. Still no

t, I couldn't

My thumb hovered over the message scree

message her

breaking

id. "Not really. Only the o

sita

I t

u stil

n minutes. For a

e down and tri

t after midni

so fast I alm

ply wa

tching. Waitin

d it to

it like it

asked, more to

h all this," Ethan said. "She wants

er that if I don

. "Maybe you do. Maybe you

wn at the s

want to kn

the reply c

ll me what you do when you're alone. Tell me

fr

silent b

said, "T

n if it's something y

ially

I t

I'm a ritual. I imagine being told where to sit. When to kneel. I imagine someone learning me until I

it

ied imme

Now we

sed m

d in the da

just fanta

down a staircase I cou

ted to ke

ed again. One

come to the loft. Do

d at th

n's voice was

screen so he

moved as he

above a whisper, "Do we