WALTZ OF ROSES

I swam up as hard as I could, but the strong underwater current pulls me deeper. Fragments sliced through my arm, torso, and leg. It hurts, but equates nothing to the pain the people around me gave. I grew tired of fighting, reaching my peak. I will not make it. As I ran out of air, I coughed and succumbed to the waters. I once had a life parallel to this. How I was there slowly sinking to the bottom. This must be it. I never realized how solitary I was until a chaotic fusion of excruciating nostalgia overtakes my thoughts.

“I love you, Sofia.” Brian confesses and my heart aches.

My mother’s voice screamed, “¡Niña ingrata! I did not raise you to be this stupid!”

“You ungrateful wench! You owe me everything!” Conrad berated me.

“You bring disgrace to this family! Have some shame on your skin!” My mother adds and continues, “YOU ARE ABNORMAL!”

I cried a lot. Their voices are deafening. Stop it. I can’t…

“What do I want? Simple. Your land and you out of Gona!” Damian laughs wickedly.

Let go of me!

“Sofia, help us! Sofia! We need you! Sofia!” voices called out.

Stop! Please…? Stop!

I begged the voices to stop but I only sunk deeper. I looked around and saw her. “Sena? Sena?!” I called out, no response. I took her by the arm and she looked at me in the eye before saying, “You’re a fool for loving me. I can’t be with you.” My heart and soul shattered into a billion pieces. “Am I not enough?” I asked her.

“You were never enough. You never will be.”

YOU WERE NEVER ENOUGH. YOU NEVER WILL BE. Her voice resounded in my head like a broken record. Shards of sharp glass pierced through my ailing heart. As if she was not happy enough, she went on and sent my ego ablaze with the fires of hell to torture me further. The only person I have truly ever loved.

Abandoned. I am abandoned.

I beg you, please stop?! I can’t do this… I can’t…

I begged at the voices in my head but they just all laughed. They all laughed at me. HARD.

ENOUGH!!!

Leave me alone! Leave me alone.

I broke apart and cried, but my tears do not spill to the seas I am within. How odd that I once dreamed of crossing you yet, here I am sinking to your deepest depths.

It’s silent here and I love it. The familiar quietness in these depths calm my mutilated soul. I belong here, away from the nightmare of a life I have. I often asked myself, “Why have I been brought to this world in the first place?” Sh*t. My life had been nothing but fresh re-starts. Every time I had a breakthrough, everything falls apart too. I am one of those lost souls who has yet to reach the happy ending everyone’s been longing for. Who would have thought I’d die just like this? I scoff and hold out my hand up to the moon. My ever-radiant moon. I never thought I’d appreciate her this far. Her fullness glows dimmer as I go deeper into this abyss. F*ck. The harder I go on, the dimmer the light at the end seems.

I fought the urge to close my eyes, but I have no power left. I succumb. The wails of the souls that play on repeat in my head drown me. It’s fascinating how I’ve never heard the Lord’s prayer being sung in different languages with such menacing harmony. My eyes shut, yet I see carcasses of different sizes and colors flying in all directions. The darkest hours and thoughts rewind as loud echoes of whirring sounds magnify the agony that cracks the peace.

Sirens. I hear sirens. No, they’re whistles and taps. Harmonious choirs of angelic voices singing within these oceans. A concerto of freedom that calls out my name.

Sofia… Wake up, my princess.

Papa?

It’s getting closer. Louder. The underwater currents dancing gracefully like an inviting flamenco with a tempo that matches the tune of my misery. I wince at the sudden burst of pain from the force that’s pushing me up.

No! I don’t want to leave here! Let go of me, please?!

I struggled and choked by the time I reached the surface. While desperately gasping for air, I clung onto something and lividly found my balance. I tried to clear my vision, but all I can see are what seems like three blurry triangles dancing and swirling around. They’re squeaking and grunting. A few minutes more, a blinding light shone in my direction.

“Sofia!!!!” a woman shouted.

I tried to respond, but nothing comes out. I am here!

“There, look!” Another shouted.

“No! Ma’am don’t!” others warned.

“Sofia? Sofia! Thank goodness! Please, please stay with me?” She pleads as she shivers. “She’s alive!” The woman shouted back at them. She’s near me and she’s crying. “Sofia, stay with me… please? I beg you…” I looked at her, but I can’t make up of her face. My head feels light, my breathing shallow and heavy. It’s too cold, I am numb.

Are you an angel? Have you come to take me?

They pulled and carefully lay me on an irrelevant surface while I groaned in excruciating pain. The angel touched my chest and kissed me. She gave me air.

“Let me die!” I coughed.

After what felt like an inferno, thanks to the angel, breathing became a little easier. Though, I really wished they could’ve just left me with the sea creatures.

I missed her warm sweet scent. “I’m here now. Please stay with me, Sofia? I love you so very much.” She cries. I tried to lift my arm, but I was too weak. “Sofia? Sofia! No! No, no, no! Don’t you dare close your eyes on me!” Her voice hoarse and frightful.

Before I could say anything back, everything went dark.

******

Translations:

¡Niña ingrata! (Sp.) – Ungrateful girl!