VOICES IN MY HEAD

ERICA'S P.O.V

I rose steadily to my feet from the edge of his hospital bedside, carefully sliding my hands off him, smiling as he squealed like a pig on the bed. I took a seat, my red purse fell to the ground, there I was in the dark, grinding my teeth, reaching for it, before grabbing my waist, exhaling, giving up to allow my purse sleep on the floor, because at that very moment the earth could quake but I still wouldn’t get off that sit. I took my phone out, smiled while browsing through pictures of wedding dresses for a ceremony that had been three years in the making. I kept swiping the screen visualizing which of those dresses on my phone screen would best match his white tuxedo.

How I miss the days We laughed, held hands, sat on the floor, and rested our backs by the bedside. I would take my phone out, rest my face on his shoulder and insisted, “Pick one.” He looked at two pictures of wedding dresses that I’d downloaded to my phone. “Which of these best suits me?” I would ask and push him “just close your eyes and picture me in both and answer, which do you prefer?”

“It’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride in the wedding dress before the ceremony.” He would say.

“Oh, come on pick one. I will just keep pushing. Okay there’s a third one, here look.”

I always got my way with him so he would answer “okay, okay, okay, we’ll get all three. I don’t mind watching you walk down that aisle three times in one day as long as your feet are walking my direction. Soon it will no longer be you and me; it’s us. The belongings won’t be yours and mine but ours.”

I would emphasize , “Except for my car, that’s mine.”

And he would take his turn and insist “Close your eyes, rub on my head and use it as a crystal ball; tell me how our tomorrow looks like in your head.”

It was strange, but fun so I would complain “Uh this again.”

“Come on just do it.”

I would budge, close my eyes and say “Okay. I see you in a white suit, white shirt inside with a properly knotted tie around the collar that I could either strangle you with or use to tie our necks to each other, so your lips are forever connected to mine. I see you smiling as I walk down the aisle. I imagine having arguments but making up, making out and making love a few hours afterwards, teaching you how to cook for me and our children when I get pregnant with the third and hopefully the last; we can call them Gabriel, Delilah and Felicia. I see us living long enough to celebrate their college graduation, singing and humming out of the blue, not just living an ordinary married couple life but transforming our bedroom into our own little club, if you know what I mean, taking dancing classes”

“I don’t know Princess twerking really isn’t my thing”.

He would laugh , while I would ask “What’s wrong with the name Delilah ? I like it.”

“Me too. But If you’re gonna name our child Delilah then I’m sorry princess I step down from the throne".

I would hit him on the chest, laugh and we would keep speaking until the side effects of his pills kicked in and he fell asleep on my shoulder.

Suddenly, the loud ringing from the phone interrupted my fantasy time; I came back to reality, it was 4 A.M way too early for the scam likely calls. So either my mom didn’t drink enough wine last night or my mom didn’t drink enough wine last night, I took a look at the screen, Yep it was mom. I sighed, shook my head and declined the call but the phone rung a second time, until after her third attempt I got off the seat, picked it up and snook out of the hospital room.

“Good morning Mother I’m sorry about…”

“If you’re not home in 30 minutes I’ll have your car repossessed, your dresses burnt, your Jewelry pawned, and turn your hills into slippers”

“wow that’s a good way to say good morning to your daughter, I miss you too mom”

“Must be why you refuse to pick up ninety percent of my calls.”

“Joshua was sleeping. I didn’t wanna wake him. I planned on calling back.”

She mumbled “ I can’t believe he’s still alive, Erica, we’ve gone over this time and time and again. I will not accept that boy as a son in law, I don’t think anyone would want him as a son worse enough son in law, stop this nonsense and come back home, My purse is worth more than his mother’s car.”

She had characterized Joshua as a greedy, desperate, poor boy who at his age still shared the kitchen with his mother and assisted with the house chores. I, however, saw a man who drew up business plans on a daily bases, a man who made up ideas just by taking a look at the way people dress, a man with vision, but unfortunately he was also a man with way to many obstacles blocking his way, but in life, the bigger the obstacles the bigger the reward after the breakthrough.

After mothers statement, I retaliated. “Please not now, or by the time you receive your invite to the wedding I’ll be honeymooning in Paris. Stop trying to change my mind, it’s not going to work.”

As I took a few steps away from Joshua’s room, she emphasized, “You’re putting your career on the line here, all this for some peasant that isn’t worth your time!”

“No, I’m doing this for the man I love, and I am not ending things with him to satisfy your silly obsession with your daughter getting married to some Harvard graduate with a masters in dissecting frogs. Now, Mom, I’ve got to—” she ended the phone call without a goodbye.

An right after she dropped my mother’s toy called, her boyfriend Jeff tried to be like a father to me, so I picked up and said “stay out of this old man”.

Jeff asked “when he gets out what’s the next step? The man has no vision, you’ve had that half carat on your finger 3 damn years and nothing, your father has passed on, let it go damn it, allow me play that roll in your life, treat me like a father”.

“because of all that sugar my mother gives you I’ll treat you like a brother, how does that sound ? I’ll be getting back before midday, for now give her as much wine as you can, when I see her I want her hung over, her head aching and her knees on the ground next to the toilet seat, then we can talk, bro”.

I ended the call, smoothed down my hair. “Uggh”. A nurse named Linda walked towards me for information like a journalist. She asked, “Ms. Defoe Is everything all right Mam? Is it Joshua? Let me go and check on him.”

“No, no, no. Linda, don’t wake him he’s asleep, he’s very sensitive and the slightest of sounds could wake him up, and please don’t call me Ms. Defoe, remember It’s Erica, call me Erica.”

“I'm sorry Mam, I mean I’m sorry Erica.”

I smiled. “That’s better.”

I went back into the room and found nothing but white sheets and pillows on the mattress. I figured he was in the bathroom, so I called out, “Joshua! Josh! honey you in the there? Is everything all right?” I pressed the door handle and called out again, “Joshua, I’m coming in.” I walked into an empty bathroom, walked out and headed back to the nurse’s desk. “Linda!”

“Yes Mam.”

“You wouldn’t happen to have seen Joshua, Have you?”

“No, is he not in the room?” she asked.

“No. He’s probably just wandering around, he’s got to be careful; The Anabolic steroids haven’t worn off yet, have they?”

“No,” she responded.

“Huh, I’m going to kill him.” The nurse looked at me and I said “not literally” She chuckled. “Let me consult with one of the other Nurses.”

I nodded.

She walked away, A distressing sound filled my ears and Linda shouted, “Ms. Defoe!” She pointed to her left. I walked towards her to look and there Joshua was banging his head on a vending machine.