Like the leaves in fall

The tension was building up quickly. Suddenly the whole atmosphere felt nauseous and bereft of air. Kareen could literally not breath so well. She kept soothing herself by making up mantras in her head and reciting it to herself-

' You can do this,

Just one station,

You can do this,

You can do this...'

Nothing seemed to be working,

She felt like disappearing, but sadly and not so pleasurably her annoying mind kept reminding her of the impossibility. There was absolutely no scientific or spiritual connotation to that and what she felt now was beginning to weigh her down.

Seventeen years of her life and yet she has never felt the way she felt now for anyone, let alone a stranger. A stranger whom she has never been close enough to hold his hands. A stranger whom she didn't even know the first letter of his name. A stranger whom up until seven months ago had been non-existent until his beautiful eyes beheld her...

Surely like every other teenager in the globe, Kareen has had many inexplicable feelings for boys. People she didn't even know basic things about, yet the thought of them kept taking her to the fictional wonderland.

Every normal teenager has had a crush at least once in their lives. This crazy feeling of being attached to someone in a way you can't fathom. For the greater percentage of normal people, this feelings of attachment only lasts for weeks or days.

But for the lower percentage of abnormal people, which Kareen unfortunately falls in, it lasts for months and even years.

It was Lent season and stations of the cross was normally held outside the church where there was much space to walk down the fourteen stations of the cross. The periodical kneeling and standing was excruciating but according to the Catholic faith, it was worthwhile and nothing compared to what Jesus did for us on the cross.

It was the last stations of the cross before the holy week and the rain decided to be the party pooper or in this case the prayer pooper. Stations of the cross for that day had to be held inside the church because of the bad weather.

Kareen came to church with her two younger brothers and mother and they sat in a pew in one of the three rows in the church. The church was like her second home. The only place where she could feel free to sing out her hearts and be free of the thought of all the depressing problems of this world. The church meant all this to her and more.

More in ways you cannot even imagine. More in ways that even her mind and her brainy self couldn't decipher. More in ways that made her heart melt and left her white teeth on display even without her knowing. More in a way that brought peace and joy to her alongside the preachings of the priest. More in a way that people would consider crazy and abnormal. But hey, a friend of hers once told he that it was 'abnormal to be normal'. Plus she wasn't the type to give much thoughts to what people said or how they felt about her 'cause let's face it, people will never stop talking...

Kareen had a Crush

A mass server, a freaking mass server. How she ended up crushing on someone whose work in the church was literally to serve mass was what she couldn't explain. She could have easily fallen for some guy on her street or better still,a rich man's handsome son from church but like earlier mentioned, Kareen was abnormal and in more ways than one.

He served mass everyday. Morning , afternoon and night. Kareen was sure that if midnight masses were ever held, he wouldn't miss it for anything in the world. So when the procession of the Priest and lay readers to the altar began with the mass servers preceding them,Kareen wasn't shocked to see him whose name was still a mystery with two other mass servers.

It was not until the first station started that Kareen figured that there was an impending doom awaiting her. The seat she was on was unfortunately near the mass servers passageway and she was just at the edge of it. At each of the fourteen stations, the priests, the lay readers and the mass servers had to stop in front of one of the fourteen pictures which represented the fourteen stations and kneel.

Karen's seat was just opposite the third station, practically at arms length to it. Kareen felt like the whole world was against her at that moment. Like there were strange forces lurking around somewhere and playing with her life. She didn't know how to feel or act. The only time she has ever been close to him was when he held the communion plate and that lasted for like two seconds. This time around she had to be beside him for more than two minutes.

At the second station, Kareen was already contemplating running off to the next row and taking a seat there.Since the first option of disappearing was obviously impossible she had to think faster. Then again what will her mom and siblings think of her sudden movement and strangeness?

What will the occupants of the seat she planned of scampering to make of her sudden action?

All the plans in her head to escape this doom proved abortive even without her trying them. The sad reality dawned on Kareen that she had to face her fears which in this case was a human being, a mass server whom she was sure didn't even care if she was there or not. She wasn't sure that the amount of adrenaline pumping into her blood would be as much as the one that will actually do if She was in a far worse situation.

The second station was over and at that instant Kareen felt like passing out. She had to check if she was breathing and to her greatest surprise, she was! She rubbed her temples thinking of how stupid she was to even do that.

It's not like she has never been close to him before. As a matter of fact, she has - countless times on the altar - but not when she had to concentrate on her praying. She kept reciting the mantras in her head but it made her feel more aware of everything. Of her pounding heart and her racing mind. Of her sweaty palms and the suffocating atmosphere.

The defining moment finally came and the voice of the lay reader brought her back to reality.

"Third station, Jesus falls for the first time. We adore you oh Christ and we praise you "

"Because by your holy Cross you have redeemed the world" The whole congregation responded and knelt down for a brief moment before standing again. The whole time, Kareen did not think of turning the other way where her Crush was standing with a candle alongside two other mass servers.

It was time to kneel again and Kareen did so with the rest of the congregation.

The third station was finally over and Kareen couldn't thank God enough for helping her go through this. Honestly, she felt she had a problem. She felt she needed to go for a deliverance section to deliver her of whatever thing was wrong with her. She didn't think that the level of her crushing was good but then again, she couldn't control these kind of feelings.

The rest of the stations of the Stations of the cross was better for Kareen at least she could concentrate and set her mind on praying to God. She didn't know whether crushing on a mass server was a good thing and she couldn't control it but she prayed to God to lead her through the right path.

"Mum why is Father Emma always smiling" Bryan the youngest of Karen's two brothers asked. It was after Stations of the cross and they were all going home on foot.

"Smiling? How?"

"Like during the procession he's meant to keep a serious face but when you look at him you'll just feel like laughing . He's face is so funny"

"Yeah I've noticed that too" Leo chirped in

"Maybe it's because he's new here and trying to put up a good front"

"But Mum, what really happened to the former priest" Bryan asked again. He never stops.

"He was transferred to another Parish. That's what they do every two years in our diocese"

"But the Mosignor has been here for more than four years now or is there some sort of foul play to these things?" That was Leo, always thinking like the detective he is not. He always sees everything like a Sherlock Holmes movie.

"No Leo, it's just that he is the main Parish Priest and he is way older . Plus he has probably served in various Parishes so let's just call it a retirement stage for him" Mum was shaking her head in disbelief at her son's wild thoughts.

"I think those Sherlock Holmes movies have finally gotten to my head" Leo said facepalming himself.

"We know Leo you don't need to tell us" They all laughed at what Bryan said except for Kareen.

All the while her mind has been elsewhere, thinking many crazy thoughts of what transpired in the church and if she was just a coward for everything that happened and how she acted like a child. I mean for a seventeen years old like her whose mates are already having boyfriends and kissing all day , crushing felt so underrated, right?

* * *

"What did you say his name was again Kareen?"

Kareen was with her two best friends - Chloe and Kamsi. It was the holidays and they were in Chloe's house getting ready for Netflix and chill. Kamsi was trying to pick out a movie for them to watch while Chloe was plaiting Kareen's hair. It was Kamsi asking the question.

"I told you I don't knowwwww" Kareen dragged the 'know' in a manner a crying child would. This brought the girls to laughter again. They have been teasing Kareen with this question all day.

"I mean, what could be worst than crushing on a guy without having the slightest hint of what his name might be and you said this has been going on for how long now?"Kamsi asked

"Seven months" Kareen knew what was coming for her after she dropped that bombshell so she waited for it with closed eyes.

Chloe was the first to scream

"Seven months"

"One, two, three, four, five, six,seven" Kamsi counted off the months on her fingers "seven freaking months and you never told us"

"Forget the fact that she did not tell us how could you crush on someone for that long and still not know his name" Chloe threw her hands in the air making the comb she was using to make Kareen's hair to fall.

" I know it sounds crazy..."

"It does"

"So crazzzzzyy"

"But I've been trying so hard to get over him but nothing is working. I've tried attending masses in other churches just to avoid seeing his face but the moment I come back to my Church and see his face, my heart forgets all the work my body has put in and keeps falling"

"You can't tell your heart what to do" Chloe said picking up the comb.

"I know and it's so annoying"Kareen dragged the skin of her face in devastation.

"Have you tried talking to him"

"No. There's never a good time. The only time I go to church is on Sundays and of recent on Fridays for stations of the cross and he's always serving mass"

There was also another reason which she was quite sure they knew about.

She was shy.

"But I can't believe it. This is like the longest time you've ever crushed on someone and you don't even know his name" Kamsi stifled her laughter after adding that last part.

"I know right"

"You really need to talk to this one this time around"Chloe said as she made the last partition on Kareen's hair.

"Seriously" Kamsi piped in. She was still having a hard time picking a good movie to watch.

Kareen has never talked to any of her crushes before. She just fell head over heels for them and then later on she just lost interest in them. She ended up hating them for a problem that was hers to fix. Her shyness.

"I'm gonna try to talk to this one I promise"

"That's what you said the last time"

"And the last two times. Kareen you really need to grow up"

"Yes you guys are right. The sooner I get over my crazy fears the better for me" Kareen said adjusting her neck as Chloe did the finishing touches on her hair." Besides college is not far from now and I don't want to carry this kind of character to that dungeon of a place.

"If college is a dungeon, what do you call high school?" Chloe asked with raised eyebrows.

"High school is hell itself" Kareen stated with a disgusted face.

"I know right, with all the gossip and annoying teachers"

"Don't forget the annoying subjects" Kareen added. High school was a phase Kareen couldn't wait to end. Seeing the same faces everyday for six years is something that anyone can agree to be boring.

With girls forming different cartels and struggling to get the hottest guys in school all the time. Then fighting each other for a guy, it was a recurring scenario she wanted to stop seeing.

"So do you have any plans on how to talk to ..."

"Um no offence guys but I thought we were supposed to be watching a movie now" Kamsi whined cutting Chloe off. She didn't like messing her movie time. She was the biggest movie freak you could ever meet that's why she was having a really hard time picking a good movie to watch 'cause she's watched literally all of them.

"That's true. We got caught up in Kareen's crush issue and forgot..."

"Wait before we go ahead I think we really need to give him some sort of fake name" Kamsi cut Chloe off again.

"Why does that suddenly have more importance than the movie" Chloe gave Kamsi a deadpanned look.

"I was about to ask that same question" Kareen was on Chloe's vanity table checking out her hair. Chloe really did justice to her virgin hair. It has always been tough and hard to tackle but it looked better than the other braids she made for her.

"'cause I'm trying to keep up. Kareen has had many crushes in the past and at least we knew their names. This one doesn't have to be different"

"You are right "

"Then after that we can get back to movie watching. I found this new movie that everyone has been talking about. The trailer is already giving me a good feeling" Kamsi bit her fingers as she watched the trailer.

"What's the name?" Kareen asked leaving the vanity table to watch it.

"Blood Sisters"

"Ooh that sounds like a horror movie. You guys know I don't do horror" Chloe scrunched up her face.

"Take a break Chloe it's not horror. It's a crime thriller" Kamsi said dismissively.

"Thank goodness. So let's dive into the naming. Um... Kingsley...or David..."

"Eeew ewww ewww" Kareen was practically puking " All the guys I know that answer Kingsley I end up hating them"

"Yeah like your first ever crush"

"Yeah. Then David..." Kareen paused for a moment as if trying to bring her thoughts to words "I don't hate it but it's just too simple. I feel like fifty percent of boys answer that name,so no"

"Jordan?"

"Nah, reminds me of a river"

"Blade?"

"Nope, you can find that word in any dictionary. Plus I've always perceived the name to be for bad dangerous people and believe me he's not.

Kamsi shook her head in annoyance.

"Oh, Gerald is a nice name. It's not a name you hear everyday you know" Chloe was smiling like someone who answered a question no one else could"

"Uhmmm... I don't know"

"Arrgh Kareen you are beginning to get on my nerves. All these just for an imaginary name" If eyes were guns Kareen could have been dead long ago.

"You don't get it Kamsi. The name has to be perfect just like his perfect height, and face and smile an-"

"Save it lover girl" Kamsi rolled her eyes "so what's so bad about Gerald"

"The name reminds me of a generator"

"How" Chloe gave her a confused look

"You know - GErald and GEnerator kinda sounds alike" Kareen

pronounced the GE with a high note to lay emphasis.

The girls burst into uncontrollable laughter. Even Kamsi who was annoyed couldn't suppress hers.

"Oh my God Kareen" Kamsi said laughing" You do know that's a human being's name right" she used the sleeve of her dress to wipe her tears of joy.

" I know but I just want everything to be perfect"

"Perfect for just a fake name" Chloe shook her head in disbelief" Okay Kareen, enough of your shenanigans. I'm going to call out random names for five seconds and if you don't pick one name we are going to go with Gerald.

"I second that " Kamsi said with an evil grin on her face.

"Wait, wait you guys can't do this to -"

"Alec...Miles..Charles" Chloe began listing and Kamsi became the annoying time keeper.

"Three more seconds..."

"Duke...Daniel...Ry -"

"Yes!yes!!yes!!!" Kareen screamed making the girls to pause. "Daniel,Daniel is the perfect name" Kareen was smiling so much that her friends thought her teeth were gonna fall. If she was a cartoon character sparks could have been flying around her now.

"Finally. Why didn't you think of this sooner Chloe? Kamsi asked in an overjoyed tone.

"I know right. But Kareen why Daniel?"

"Yeah Kareen why?" Kamsi asked dryly.

"The name has a nice ring to it. Da - ni - el" Kareen pronounced the name in syllables and smiled like a child pleased that they were licking the icing of a cake.

"Okay guys enough of 'Daniel' " Kamsi did air quotes when she said the name " can we now watch our movie in peace"

"Yes girlfriend"

They spent the rest of the day watching the four episodes of the mini series. Kareen was not one to take much interest in movies that weren't Korean. Any movie without Lee Seung - gi or any of her favourite k - drama actors didn't really make sense to her. Yeah, her addiction was that serious. She once considered taking Korean lessons but didn't get the chance to.

She slept through the remaining episodes after finishing the popcorn and chocolates after the first episode.

---

Kareen went home later that evening after ordering for an Uber. She hated taking buses because it was always so packed and the claustrophobia she's been fighting all her life tends to worsen. The ride home seemed to be taking forever. The Uber driver was blasting some sort of weird old school song on his radio. Kareen wished she could yell at him but she knew he was doing her some kind off good.

He was helping her take her mind off some dreadful things.

She finally got home and paid the driver. All day the house she has been avoiding was right before her and she wished she could stop the Uber driver to take her back to where he brought her from.

The car was here.

The bright red car that was staring at her sent cold shivers down her spine. It made her feel weak and defeated. Her suspicions were right and for once in her life, she hated the fact that she was right.

The car suddenly looked like it was laughing at her. It looked like Lightning McQueen from that Cars cartoon except not the good spirited one we all love but the mean one. Like Lightning McQueen from an opposite universe.

The car was the perfect picture of doom. And none else could bring that to her, well at least no other mortal.

Her dad was here.