Hearts, Minds and Souls.

At the hospital 1991

Becka was on her bed, holding her newborn close with distressed eyes. She cast a glance at the baby who was sleeping peacefully in her arms. She reached up and wiped the tears streaming down from her blue eyes.

I'm so miserable, she thought, stifling a sob.

The new mothers in the large room were laughing, chatting, reading magazines and seemed not to see her, as she was the youngest in the room. So insignificant, she muttered under her breath as she watched two happy new mothers chatter like birds. Becka glanced at her side. The woman whose bed was beside her was reading a novel, and didn't even look up, although Becka stared at her for a long time. She leaned back on the pillow and shed hot, silent tears.

Becka had had the baby the afternoon of the previous day, and it was the first time she had ever found something threatening. It had taken about thirty minutes to have little Alexandra Tracey and to her it was like she was going to die. Nobody had been there to reassure her that everything was going to be okay; and the nurses didn't do anything of that kind. She had been quite glad after her baby had come into the world, red-faced and wailing, but now she was bitter as she now realised the mess she had put herself into.

Becka, before the birth of her baby was an "happening" girl. Seventeen year old, she was a regular face at rock concerts, bars, sissy shows and night clubs in Noby City. She had had a lot of boyfriends and couldn't count the number of guys she'd slept with. The disheartening fact was that she didn't know the father of her baby. She was living with her older brother, Harry and his wife, Rita. Her parents were at Bax City, Mom, a nurse and Dad, a military officer, had been fed up of her promiscuous lifestyle- she smoked, drank, cussed, had several boyfriends and both of them couldn't control her. Her older brother had told them that she should come to Noby City to live with him and his wife. Mom and Dad had been relieved. However, Becka proceeded further into her notorious lifestyle that knew no boundaries. Both Harry and Rita were alcoholics, and were usually too drunk to care about her. They never bothered wherever she went to, or how many hours she wasn't at home. No one ever reprimanded her, and now she was real, real mad at them.

Another issue was that she was confused. She wiped the tears streaming down from her eyes with her sleeve. She didn't know where or how exactly she should start from. She had dropped out of senior high a year ago. I don't know if I'll ever go back to school again, she thought. Now she would be occupied with taking care of Sandra. She would have to get a job to support herself and her child.

Now, she thought, the stigma!

When everyone had known that she was pregnant, all her friends kept their distance, except for Scarlett; who was as promiscuous as she was. All of her friends didn't like to run into her, and when they did, they either turned away, or said a quick, shy greeting. Drunk most times, Becka didn't care. She had felt as normal as everyone else, or better to say, superior.

Superior? or Inferior?!, her mind screamed.

Inferior. She knew. She wasn't like them, and was never going to be like them. She stifled a sob. The woman in bed Number 5 beside her turned to look at her."Are you okay?" the woman inquired in a concerned tone, nursing her baby. Becka cleaned her weepy eyes and nodded, not wanting to tell the woman how she was feeling. "I feel for you, young lady" the woman said, "You see, I know how it is to have a baby at your age. Besides, I know you. I'm the cashier at the departmental store down the road". Yes! Becka often visited the store to get some cigarettes, beers, and tobacco for her brother and sometimes, for herself. Becka suddenly burst into tears and babbled out to the woman how she felt. She could take it in no longer. "It's okay."the woman said, after Becka had finished with pouring her heart out. The woman sighed. "I also had a baby back then, when I was nineteen. I felt my life was in shambles" she said. That wasn't an appropriate word for Becka. The world had crashed on me!, she thought wildly. "But I went on, and I got the best I could out of life for myself. You'll survive." the woman reassured.

Survive?!, Becka asked herself. She wasn't sure!

The woman peered sympathetically at Becka for sometime, and returned to the novel she was reading. Becka put her baby into the crib beside her bed, lay down on her bed, pulled the covers up, turned her face to the wall and pretended to sleep. Then, she cried her eyes out.

In the evening, Becka was preparing to return home. She had been discharged and her brother had come earlier to pay the bills. She packed her things and left the room hurriedly with her baby, before the women would notice and start asking questions. She went down the stairs slowly and out to the road. She stood and then remembered that her brother didn't give her some money to board a taxi. She swore. She would have to trek home as much as she hated to. She took the express instead, where no one might recognize her. She went on slowly, under the weight of her baby and duffel bag till she got home.