Sincerely Amanda

I tapped on my phone screen and looked at the message very carefully. The very sad one that Joel sent to me. I zoomed it out as if I had not seen the words correctly.

Turned out my eyes were working pretty much fine.

Can you imagine the asshole broke up with me just because I am too slim?

I wasn’t even below a size 5 and he called me slim.

I stood in the mirror and I examined myself as I hissed with anger. He didn’t even have the nerve to break up with me in person.

‘Pathetic asshole’ I muttered moving my hands from my sides to my ass and my hips.

Personally speaking, I loved my body. I liked that I wasn’t fat at all nor was I thin. I liked that my boobs were firm and small. I’d be doomed if they grew bigger than that. And I exactly loved the small cup of my ass.

If I was a guy I would date someone like me.

Joel didn’t have any sense of good choice at all. I should have seen that coming with the way he behaved and treated me like I was not important to him.

I loved the idiot way more than I should have. I invested more of myself than I should have.

I sniffed, as I tried to prevent tears from escaping from my eyes. 2 years just wasted like that. As if he didn’t know I had been the same body size since we began dating.

“Damn you Joel...” I said out as loud as I could.

I was at the edge and I felt like screaming more and louder. But with the current situations, I didn’t want to have more trouble added to me.

“I hate you Joel” my voice began to break. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold the tears back long enough.

Because I loved Joel, and no matter how much I was beginning to hate him, I still loved him. It’s crazy but Joel was also my first.

No matter how much I said that I hated him, I knew that I would always still love him.

No one actually gets over their first, you know.

I’ve never imagined myself in bed with another man. Joel was the first man that I planned to make the last, too.

I sniffed and wiped off the tears from my eyes. I didn’t like to cry. I didn’t want to cry over a man too.

Except that it hurts. It hurt so bad that I felt so much pain that my head ached.

I loved him, I loved him as much as he wanted.

Today didn’t exactly start well.

Waking up to an eviction notice when your current ex-boyfriend wants to remove your name from the lease and having to move in with your elder brother who is way older than you are and who is in another state isn’t exactly the best thing ever. Especially when that brother of yours is so strict and bossy at the same time.

It wasn’t like I hated being around my brother but living with him..... I wouldn’t say it was the most enjoyable.

When I was younger, he picked my friends for me. He didn’t even let me date anyone. No guy in my school dared to say that they liked me or they’d be in so much trouble.

Even when we didn’t go to the same school, my brother’s school was a minute away from mine. But the guys in my school still feared him.  They feared him like he was an animal. There was a time when I used to hate my brother so much that I hated to even hear his voice.

It was that bad.