What we shouldn't be

KENZ POV – CHAPTER ONE

"Fuck Jeremy," I moaned as his hands slowly slid lower.

The kiss was the most erotic thing I'd ever felt.

He pulled his top up, and I saw the most perfectly carved body.

"Get on your knees," he commanded in his calm but deep voice.

I reached out for his trousers, maintaining deep eye contact like the world was going to end if I looked away.

Carefully, I took his zip down, and then-

"Kenz! Kenz!"

Mrs. Chaperone's voice snapped me out of it.

"What's so special outside the window that you can't take your eyes away from?" she asked in her usual grumpy, dry voice.

"Oh... I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't realize I was drifting off."

Only then did I realize I had been daydreaming through the entire class.

"Well, you might as well drift out of the classroom. It's been over for about ten minutes."

She picked up her handbag and prepared to leave.

I looked around.

The classroom was empty.

Fuck.

How long had I been out?

My cheeks burned with embarrassment as I remembered that I had spent the entire last period fantasizing.

I rubbed my eyes, adjusted my glasses, and picked up my bag.

The school was unusually quiet.

The once-bustling hallways were now quieter than a graveyard.

Sunlight spilled through the windows, and, for a moment, it almost looked like somewhere I would want to stay forever.

But hell no.

This was Greenville.

Nothing about this place made me want to live here.

Greenville always had this quiet, suffocating atmosphere hanging over it.

No matter what happened, nothing ever changed.

Most people probably didn't feel the same way I did.

Maybe reality simply hadn't caught up with them yet.

Or maybe they weren't queer like me.

As I stepped into the hallway, my phone buzzed three times.

Two messages from Toria.

One from my mum.

How pathetic.

I opened Toria's text immediately.

Hey, still alive?

Unfortunately, yes.

Her reply came a second later.

Meet me at the coffee shop in exactly five minutes.

And when I say exactly five minutes, I mean exactly five minutes. Not one minute more.

A ticking clock emoji followed the message.

I snorted.

The coffee shop was only four minutes away from Greenville High School anyway.

As I walked, I heard the distant voices of the football team practising nearby.

I recognized some of them.

The usual idiots.

Still, I was convinced that most of them had kissed a guy at least once before.

They just refused to admit that it was gay.

Seriously, every single thing they did screamed queer.

Showering together.

Comparing sizes.

Touching each other to measure.

Drinking beer straight from each other's mouths.

Even Adlai, the most openly queer guy in Greenville, hadn't done all that.

Sometimes I wished I could be more like him.

Well, maybe not completely.

The guy wore miniskirts and pink underwear that made his bulky ass impossible to ignore.

I pushed the thought away and entered the coffee shop.

Toria sat in the far corner, looking exhausted, as usual.

The moment she saw me, she waved.

"So, he lives."

"Only a matter of time before I don't."

She frowned.

"Bro, stop saying stuff like that. I really don't like it."

"Okay, okay. Sorry."

I rubbed her messy bun.

"So, what's wrong?" she asked. "You look stressed."

"Yeah. I am."

"Family?"

I laughed quietly.

"When has it not been family?"

She didn't laugh.

"But it's more than that this time," I continued. "Final exam results, NYU acceptance, and wondering whether I'll ever get out of this place."

I picked at my nails absentmindedly.

"Oh, relax."

She leaned back in her chair.

"Soon you'll become one of those ridiculously attractive New York college students. The Justin Bieber kind."

I nearly choked on my coffee.

"Justin Bieber isn't from New York."

"Fine."

"The Kanye West kind, then."

"Kanye is Black."

"You're completely missing the point."

I laughed.

"Maybe."

"Just calm down," she said. "Everything will work out."

At that exact moment, my phone buzzed.

Another text from my mum.

Shit.

I had completely forgotten about the first message.

Where are you, Kenz? Fellowship starts at seven.

"Fuck."

I stood up so quickly that my chair scraped against the floor.

"I have to go."

"Go where?"

"We're having one of those church gatherings."

Toria groaned.

"Oh, no."

"Yep."

"The church board is coming over. There'll be food, prayers, and all the usual church stuff."

She burst into laughter.

I didn't bother replying.

I waved goodbye and hurried home.

The second I walked inside, my mum's voice rang through the house.

"Kenz! Where have you been? Didn't you see my messages?"

"I forgot."

"You forgot?"

She stared at me as though I had committed a crime.

"We discussed this three days ago. We discussed it this morning. And you forgot?"

She tightened her grip on the wooden spoon in her hand.

"I could smack you right now, but I need you looking presentable."

I rolled my eyes.

"Should a deaconess really be swearing like that?"

Her expression darkened.

"You should probably say a Hail Mary before the priest gets here."

"Kenz!"

My father's voice thundered from downstairs.

"You don't speak to your mother that way."

The entire house smelled of food and candle wax.

I hated it.

The scent always clung to my clothes long after the guests had gone.

I walked into my room and dropped onto my bed.

My phone was still in my hand.

No new notifications.

Nothing.

How depressing.

"Kenz!"

My mum again.

"You'd better not be on that phone."

I groaned.

"I'm nineteen, not six."

"That doesn't matter."

"I can still take it away."

"That's hardly a threat."

"Oh, really?"

Her footsteps stopped outside my door.

"I don't know what's gotten into you lately, and frankly, I don't care."

"You'd better pull yourself together and not embarrass me tonight."

A few moments later, her footsteps disappeared.

I lay there quietly.

Her words settled on me like a heavy blanket.

Still, I was used to it.

I showered for almost twenty minutes.

By the time I came out, voices echoed throughout the house.

People had arrived.

I sat down on the edge of my bed.

Then my phone buzzed.

An Instagram notification appeared on the screen.

JEREMY_ISCOOL SENT YOU A MESSAGE REQUEST

I stared at it.

What the actual fuck?

I opened the message.

Hey, bunny. Been a while.