Average Jones

mes the operator, of an important and decent newspaper. His heavy face wore the expression of good-humored power, characteristic of the experienced and s

itioned, clean-living Americans between the ages of twenty-five and thirty. Happily, his otherwise commonplace face was relieved by the one unfailing characteristic of composite photographs, large, deep-set and thoughtful eyes. Otherwise he would have passed in any crowd, and nobody would have noticed him pass. Now

you choose, sharpen the pencil of your mind to a

he dynamic activities of the surrounding world. The other was the "freak" will of his late and little-lamented uncle, from whom he had his present income, and his future expectations of some ten millions. Adrian Van Reypen Egerton had, as Waldemar once put it, "-o

ears of continuous residence in New York City. After such time the virus of the metropolis will have worked through his entire being. He will squander his unearned and undeserved fortune, thus completing the

s heavy, rumbling voice, "you aspi

When a man puts a ten-million-dollar curse on you and sug

o prove him a liar,

, either moral or financial. I want action; som

slaked romanticist,

ther. "My ambitions are practical enou

ersburg and Buenos Ayres and Samoa have all become commonplace to you. You've overdone them. That's why you're back here in New York wait

d diagnosis. Why don't you

ind of

bs. Fenton, over there, has the finest collection of circus posters in the world. Bellerding's house is a museum of obsolete musical instruments. De Gay collects venomous insects from all o

ou choose?" asked

eve," replied the older man. "If one could take the time

ding a career?" said

wenty dollars daily on clues from the day's n

hing more than an effort to sell something

ps you don't look

iversal and ran his eye down the columns of "clas

ny work on

a man who

ave

th

nerable look

and medical

ight app

d Average Jones wit

oking for a stall to impress the

ed over to scan th

e," said h

rmer on B-fl

ce. Apply wit

. 300 East 1

dinary enough,

must be-er-technical publications-er-jour

w, you've got him interested,"

ght," said Waldemar. "

that says what it m

ce, a brass

n't afraid t

len, Pier 49

combine," explained Waldemar. "Not

declared Average Jones with sudden convic

for information such as you might collect. We haven't time, for example, to trace down fraudulent advertisers. If y

to establish it," o

d filled it in with writing, crossing out and revising liberall

OU BEE

ands

nds wi

Laying

H

ertisin

J

-V

rotec

nst

Spend

Call o

on all

d with N

r Display

onsult

Unable

Write, E

his Is On

udding career by a poisonous pun like that

le column, about fifty lines will do it in nice, open style. Caps and lower case, and black-

atant?" suggested Bertra

at. It's howlingly vulgar. It's a riot of glaring ye

ct?" queried the prospective "Ad-Visor." "Et apres

stenographers and a clipping export, and prepare to take care o

t, chasing long white whiskers and brass h

if you're not sandbagged or jailed on fake libel suits, you'll have a unique bibliography

t the gaze of an iron-gray m

rrupting," said

Waldemar. Who's goin

nde

t! Why, his name h

will

ederal

gns in t

rd will k

after. But can we prove anything? His

ndal-a woman case?"' ask

tment of her, they say. But the whole thing was hushed up at the time by Linder's pull, and when the husband threatened to kill him Linder quie

dded, and walke

're both against Linder. Egbert wants a cheaper man for mayor. I want a straighter one. And I could g

oup broke up, several hours later, Average Jones was committe

Waldemar had advised as being central, expensive, and inspirational of confidence, and considered, with a whirling brain, the minor woes of humanity. Other people's troubles had swarmed down upon him in answer to his advertised offer of help, as sparrows flock to scattered bread crumbs. Mostly these were of the lesser order of difficulties; but for what he gave in advice and help the Ad-Visor took payment in experience and knowledge of human nature. Stil

ndow, he took his ease in his house. The chair had been a recent gift from an anonymous admirer whose political necessities, the Honorable Mr. Linder idly surmised, had not yet driven him to reveal his identity. Its occupant stretched his shoe

ces, are privileged to draw echoes of the past writhing from their forgotten recesses. The man looked slowly about him as if apprising potential returns. His gravid glance encountered the prominent feet in the third story window of t

ow appeared. Far out he leaned, and roared at the musician below. The brass throat blared back at him, while the soloist, his eyes closed in the ecstasy of art, brought the "verse" part of his selection to an excruciating conclusion, half a tone below pitch. Before the chorus there

hellout

vacant face. "What you say?" he in

Linder made urgent ges

ay! Mo

n smiled re

paid for this

him clear of the window-sill. His last sensible vision was the face of the musician, the mouth absurdly hollow and pursed above the suddenly removed mouthpiece. Then an awning intercepted the politician's flight. He passed through this, penetrated a second and similar stretch of canvas shading the next window below, and lay placid on his own front steps

xplosion?" deman

the larch house on the corne

"Come along back. You fer a wit

ned the German patiently, "

at. The police (with the characteristic stupidity of a corps of former truck-drivers and bartenders, decorated with brass buttons and shields and without further qualification dubbed "detectives") vacillated from theory to theory. Their putty-and-pasteboard fantas

emanded the politician in disgust, "when I never know, mysel

the bomb," propounded the head of

kept playing his infernal trombone with the other

emed to be the center of disturbance, and from which the Honorable William Linder had risen just in time to save his life, was blown to pieces, and a portion of the floor beneath it was much shattered. The force of the explosion ha

g to custom, a problem beyond their limited powers. With the release of the German musician, who was found to b

ay, a month after the explosion, Waldemar dropped in at the Astor Court offices. He found a changed Jones; much thinner and "finer" than when, eight weeks before, he ha

k interesting, I take i

led Average Jone

ort, running down the opium

soon as I saw the catchwo

ly. "The open eye of the open mind-that has more to do with real detecti

the game, but I haven't had much of it, yet. You hav

ide, florid

of anything for a month but

ase. You're perso

ion. Attempted assassination. He becomes a near-martyr. I'm

ow to carry out the idea? That's pu

ness. Unless we suppose that he und

musician go,

him, except that he was in the street below.

hat have be

de better than half-witted. He was like a one-ideaed child, his whole b

Jones thoughtfully, "I wouldn't want any bette

shattering blare exudes from a B-flat trom

isements with which, in the past weeks, he had crowded his brain, one stood out clear. It voiced the desire of an unknown gentleman on the near border of Harlem for the services of a performer upon that semi-exotic instrument. One among severa

ook shut again. "Three Hundred East One Hundredth. You won't mind,

en engagement?" ask

hear some music. Thirty-fourth's the nea

ghtfully as the door slammed

nder?" he mused. "I wish it hadn't struck him until I

illiam Linder, in his Brooklyn headquarters, breathed charily, out of

ake it. To Average Jones' inquiring gaze on this summer day it opposed the secrecy of a senile indifference. He hesitated to pull at its bell-knob, lest by that act he should exert a disruptive force

belong in that house at all. Average Jones felt as if he had cracked open one of the grisly locus

ombone player inserted from th

go," sa

oo late

e never," said the old lady with conviction, "seen su

inserted the a

t. A mon

tell wher

no add

wasn't it?" said Aver

ently formed no favorable impression of her

a furnis

third floor

t let

f it. T

e the fro

even look

es

er young man.

er you

oung man. Are you a B-

em," said Av

he old lady abruptly

ective lodger cheerfully. "I will

in the senile house, awaiting personal response to the fol

lat trombo

erience as s

een 8 and

t 100th

rted guest. "Ransom," his supplanter learned, had come light and gone light. Two dress suit cases had sufficed to bring in all his belongings. He went out but little, and then, she opined with a disgustful sniff, for purposes stri

t with him?" ask

ad a man come in and box it up. He must

or after the trom

had picked out his man and

an?" drawled Average Jones in the s

yes! Talke

was he

man. I always thought he

ut of the window. "Is this th

"Now, Mister Jones, if he commenc

promised the young man, laughing, as

him, an expression of bewildered and ch

murmured; "I come to pl

ng," said Average Jones, leadin

mbone down and shook hi

s," he observed. "But it

to find Mr.

om. I know only to pla

who employed you to play

tures. "It iss a pleasure to play for such a

ed often in Ke

treet. I know only to p

re the fat gentleman told you to

erspread the worn

o more. The po-lice

ad gone th

o play

lay? Are

. "There vass no feet in the wi

red. "You were not to play unless there were fe

ician a

w that Linder was in," mused the i

o play the B-flat trombone,"

r. Every evening you must come here. Whether I am here o

n reached down and listed

orbade Average Jo

ked the other, innocently hurt. "The

Average Jones. "An

here." The musician poi

w l

mes," was the

always in th

I play Egyp

es, as the other stret

"He said: 'Bravo! Encore! Bis!' Sometimes nine,

he sent

-g-g-g-g!' like that in the back room

discontentedly. "When did you

Brooklyn and tell me, 'When you see the

use. Then Average J

notice a big e

nothing. I play m

ere established. But the ol

t in the front room and Mr. Ransom working in the back and then, aft

at-er-was he-

rs of it first in one part of the room, then in ano

is to find out where that big easy chai

. "All I can do is to tell

he had fondly hoped, but to an obscure address not far from the Navy Yard in Brooklyn. To this address, having looked up and gathered in the B-flat trombonist, Average Jones led the way. The pair

e hass been drin

nd the corner into concealment. "You ha

N

eet you to pay

er," said the

he big house and left

orner. 'When the feet iss in th

s house. He figured out that Linder would put it in his study and do his sitting at the window in it. And you were to know when he was there by seeing his feet in the wi

r as any man in the business," assert

erage Jones, "is the purpose o

placently. "I only know to play the B-flat

s hirer of a B-flat trombone virtuosity, without sufficient proof upon which to base even a claim of cross-examination, would be to block his own game th

d to notice that the club was filling up b

you at a Saturday special nigh

s on?" Average Jones a

on of mediaeval musical instruments, and some professionals are

e port came on-the prideful club port, served only on special occasions and in wonder

g into that Linde

ve about gi

al in Linder's career. Wha

not, I

at sort of look

find out from

s his bu

employment

ific line, perhap

, I belie

drop out of the combination. Who

oming for the place. A first-c

ce; but if I can get on

note came from the platform whe

's sweet dulcets,"

f a strange shape. Average Jones' still untouched glass, almost full of the precious port, trembl

ge Jones. His delicate and fragile port glass evidently shared t

t experiment in the la

t the accurate amount

you lunatic, it's dr

unheeding. The liquor

ated gaze fixed on the

im with

beneficiary of this attention. "Doe

r. By the time he had reached Brooklyn Bridge he had his campaign mapped out. It al

e front steps while one of the highest-priced wines in New York dried into his kne

rwise Ransom?" said

jerked back.

another B-flat trombonis

sped the other. "

ric acid bulb, you know-in the chair that you sent-er-to the Honorable William Linder, so

d bowed his face in his ha

," he said. "

hnot, alias Ransom, agreed to ever

e it'll be some satisfaction to put him down and out politically. You can

ones. "'Look in the next da

lost himself in conjecture. He had just given an appointment to h

's bringing? Jones? Jones! Jones?!" He tried it in three different accents, without extra

he greeted Mr. Waldemar an hour later. The introduc

is young man, Wald

d the newspaper owner. "Mr. Jones ha

rable William Lender contemptu

ific. To be more specific still, arguments

ather ref

t Average Jones' steady gaze

f submarine mines, Mr. Lin

e Honorable Willia

e other., "Mines in the sea, if

e Honorable Li

int," he said, "this ai

ally of the dynamite type. Above it is a small jar of sulphuric acid. Teeth, working on levers, surround this jar. The levers project outside the mine. When a ship

the front door," said the p

cushion of an easy chair, we'll say, on

m Linder sat down ag

the first person to sit down in the chair would, by his own weight, blow himself up.

iam Linder made a

this chair is a charge of high explosive and above it a glass bulb containing sulphuric acid. The bulb, we will assume, is so safe-guarded as to resist any

cried the politician. "Th

t understand that the vibration from his trombone on one particular note by the slide up the scale-as in the chorus of E

leaped to the politician

Arbuthnot," draw

drop, but a film seeme

ew-er-a Mrs.

oulders quiv

push the argument any further to convince you t

le. "What kind of a game are yo

Average Jones sweetly, "tha

n't news! It's spite work. Even your dirty paper, Waldemar, wouldn't rake that kind of muck up after t

there you go wrong. You've forgotten one thing; that Arbuthnot's arrest and confession would m

, tense minute o

aight-to-the-point question

rawal. I'd rather print tha

"You win," he declared curtly. "But you'll give me the benefit, in the announcement,

ore plausible," assented the

ned on Ave

s out, young fell

es

t-Club, all right. And I'm just curious

cryptically, "from the best wine that