Veil of illusions

EI I

roses has mor

h of

t the blood gu

bbornly leaving her bod

ugh

is marring h

her arms and legs and c

pen, but she's

vanished, already exist

t be

head in my

ir. Lifting a wet strand,

st fix of roses. It doesn

process. The method holds

t thing

e is the furt

ot even death

ingn

bne

she can't and

ng just so she could sea

e could...

air away from

her forehead. "I'

y death i

's only th

MM

've stopp

I've turned of

I've lost sense in

ee the blister

orn gloves and between my

hat are a size too big, m

igid air is even moving p

the coat that's th

t hard this ye

walking snowman with the

el soft or protective en

rom hyp

if I died fro

e is S

tle too cynic

moment when he whispered

the coldest, h

e the worst st

rs here cold, windy, and w

rable with all

o complain? At

ough the cro

I don'

s a powerful t

llion residents, it's actu

go unn

ces me to st

he wet streets among the

times. They're not alway

hear them say, You could'v

Yorkers are s

e a flying fuck abo

focus on the

I can't ignore the divine

se it as if that will get

ld have some

warm piec

saliva that fo

'm starved and don't have

eals and pretend that I'm

for half a minute before

to deceive

am, however,

more t

of beer that'

the rest of it. There goe

get me thr

afternoon and

.when was it a

go back to th

a piece o

thought as soo

t place, not even if I hav

another shelter where I can

eally freeze t

o a halt in fr

side of a building. I

ould

't-us

nd stare, beca

ruin my chances of having

s unknown, I h

etween my gloved fingers,

y th

for the New Yo

performances. The entir

ress and standing on poin

ough to distinguish the

..de

written in sc

the names of the directo

the other ballerinas pa

and for a se

s. My coat swallows my sm

clown shoes. My faux fur

eveled and greasy, its end

ttle, revealing my dark

ood of my coat over my hea

a

like a se

if I could.

up on the streets. They'r

hat sustaining a job

and the post

. Ballet. Pri

to gouge the w

then exhale. I shouldn't

a str

hate Hannah

ba

d, I leave bef

e poster to

can and toss

change of mood i

of the lack o

gh beer today to get drunk

en my mind is numb. My th

feelings over a ha

ly cross the s

my routine, and I don't

ym

istake-taki

an

the blaring h

the middle o

in place as i

the ground. As I stare at

, I think my twenty-seve

ont of my eyes. That's wh

? I should r

nt Mom reloca

, until life thre

nt I flourish

ned me into an in

of those mem

The only things that inva

nd body that the nurse put

away f

in my throat

leaf in the cold summe

live for her.

ing

es. I'm so so

ery

grips me by

trip over my own feet a

by the arm to

my eyes, halfw

n. But instead, the horn

ugh the window, "Watch wh

y bi

aze, I flip h

it to make sure he sees i

e van disappe

again. The brief wave of a

hers away, and now all I

d've

would've let

o

ou all

at the sound

orgot that someone had p

y hadn't, I would

's Russian,

poke with, stands in fr

gentle touch compared to

me

while most pe

goes way beyond that. Pro

pants with an open dark gr

th of the coat, which reac

r sort of way, and probabl

llege

a different s

e, because he is, with sh

has high cheekbones t

stubbl

an intense

The color of his clothes

t remains that they're too.

someone is so beautiful i

stranger. Peering into his

eling of inferiority t

ords conveyed

expression. No empathy th

f

e time, he doe

rry. If anything, he'd

ked in the direction of t

eling grateful

e from his clutches and

are decrypting my fa

each ti

manage, twis

r

ows, but it's

es back to his previous ex

me. I expect him to turn

e experience to an unl

stands the

single step in any direct

drawing over his eyes that

d myself dragged into t

the harshness

ust of the wind from ever

y still make me lose the

blisters

you're all r

on, it feels like he wan

And to

of thousand

like him, who's surrounde

he's in some prominent po

in my d

he

asking if I'

kes me feel fidgety whe

s Russian stra

an itch under my skin, ur

ad

o

blurt. "

turn and le

his voice sto

make a squeak

is command. I normally w

rs, which is why

ng in his t

ent

o his coat and

e first is that he'll pul

g him. The second is that

nd give

inferiority hi

rom people to buy my beer

ger's money makes me feel

ck of dust on his b

efuse his mon

nd places it in my hand. "

ce

hes against m

gh the contact i

ing on his

iece of cloth

w why I expected him to sm

tu

doe

rate mine for

rns around

like

e from his un

going back

he extreme di

figured I'd be re

ry, it feels

nto the sensitive

the

handkerchief

A.V. embroidered on it an

ing of

he even gi

ng on y

of shit on m

haven't been in a public

eaking handkerchief

him and at my

chief in a trash can an

ect

eal and a bed

he devil again to