Wit, Humor, Reason, Rhetoric, Prose, Poetry and Story Woven into Eight Popular Lectures

I would not live life over." Well, I own I would, provided I could be

he country as I was. I would play over the same blue-grass carpet, along the same turnpike aisle,

ome doors are closed against him in the evening hours of the week, and all evil places wide open for his ruin. It has been well said: "The street fair of evil associations in our large cities begins with the night shadows and grows with the darkness." I dare say if I could draw aside t

ours! All hail to its gymnasium, its swimming pool, basketball and other sports that develop strength

in took him to see Barnum's circus. It was his first circus, and the wild animals, the bareback riding, trapeze performance, clowns and chariot races bewildered the country boy. Next morning he wrote his aunt, saying: "Dear Aunt, if

isit every state in the union and I find all the good is not in any one state, nor all the bad. While Kentucky has had her night riders, Missouri has had her boodlers, California her grafters, Illinois her an

y lot this

tate twixt o

heart cling

tuc

the prairies

ach section

ing like my

tuc

rough what s

how the pe

's only one

tuc

derings her

t seeks the

my dust fo

tuc

marry the same girl, provided she would consent to make another journey with the same companion. By the way, we were married in Bourbon Count

"her old

blue ribb

itch Dobbin

g the in

down to

ed for our gol

her waves over the sea; we ride horse-cycles that run, never walk and live without eating; we travel in carriages drawn by electric steeds that never tire; the signal service gives us a geography of the weather, so the farmer may know whether or not to prepare to plow, and the Sunday school whether to arrange or to postpone its picnic tomorrow;

ave been written by a Wellsley College girl. It wa

y minutes in school in the morning and fifteen in the afternoon. Our teachers are in telepathic touch with all knowledge and we get it in condensed form. A few days

tables and eat all kinds of things. It must have been funny to see their mouths all going at one time. Then they had stomach trouble--indigestion they called it. Now we have

s called automobiles; they used to run around the streets in rubber stockings, honking horns to warn the poor, then turning turtle they killed or maimed the rich. In one department we saw an

ndred to ten thousand dollars that will trot or pace a mile in less than two minutes, while slow ones will be hitched to dead wagons, used to gather up those who have fallen from airships and gyroscopes. It may be that one hundred years in the future airships wil

r criticism or inviting your praise of it as a literary production, but with the pu

yers starving for want of clients, doctors with patients under monuments, and preachers talking to empty pews, who might have been successful in factories or furrows. Cowper was a failure as a lawyer, he

of U.S. Grant was not horse trading. This same young man afterwards tried the grocery business and bought potatoes far and wide to corner the market, but the price went down, the potatoes rotted in Grant's bins and his grocery effort was on a par with his horse trading. He then tried the ice market but that became watered stock on his hands and again he was a failure. Later on in life 'mid roar of cannon and rattl

hread," then every human being is designed to fill a certain place in life. There are young women teaching school, getting

sicians, born poets, born preachers, born teachers, born surgeon

eighbor works hard, yet the cattle are in his corn, the fences are broken, gates off the hinges and everything seems out of order. Th

gress, while statesmen are pegging away on a shoe-last because their brains have not been capitalized by education and opportunity. There are born preachers at work in machine shops, and bo

ulturist compel the magnolia to climb the cold hills of New England, and the northern tree to come down and take its p

, instead of selling newspapers, went to experimenting with acids, and charged a steel stirrup that lifted him into the electric saddle of the world. With others it is very indefinite. Patrick Henry failed at everything he undertook until he bega

the minister who was a great fisherman. On his way to an appointment Sunday morning he came upon a lad fishing in a wayside stream. Halting he said: "My boy, this is the Sabbath day and the good Book says you sho

a football game and I wrote him, warning him against his recklessness, and to the admonition I added:

p off Lake Ellerslie? You say football is a brutal game; I submit to you, Grandpa, that the man who takes an innocent worm or a minnow, strings it on a steel hook, and sinking it into the water, jerks the gills out of an

hear you preach, but if you are a good cobbler it will wear your shoes, if a good baker it will eat your

me from no co

part; there th

I would somehow press my way to where higher education scatters its trophies at the feet of youth, for while it is true some of the most successful men of our country grad

every ounce of book knowledge one needs a half dozen ounces of common sense with which to apply it." Douglas Jerrold said: "I

umatism was asked by a friend:

truck by lightning once but

as well as brain. That man who is all brain and no heart, goes through the world

frost goes on to flower and fruitage; the bud that can't stand the test goes with the dust to be trampled under foot. Every cannon made by the gove

t her to death in his automobile and died himself in the electric chair, leaving his old father in a desolate home with harrowing memories tearing his heart; while over the life of an innocent babe he hung a cloud as dark as was ever woven out of the wo

e, but he sacrificed all upon unhallowed altars, and with the brand of Cain

eatness in Westminster Abbey, if he had stood the test; but at the age of thirty-seven, when he should have been on an

re in the

nd fruits of

he canker,

ine a

ent to church and there gave part of his little all in a collection for missionary work. The next Saturday he earned a dollar with a jack-plane; at the end of his college term he had paid his way and had seven dollars left. At twenty-eight this young man was in the sen

ion. It was this regiment that made the famous charge up San Juan Hill. At the close of the war, the regiment was mustered out of service. The Col

s gone to the front of the army, and others of the regiment have become successful professional and business men; but some have gone to jails a

ears from now in whatever community they dwell. There is a boy before me who will be a successful merchant, there's one who will be a banker, another will be a lawyer, other

born. I know a man who in his youth drove his father's fine horses, romped and rested on the richest blue-grass lawn, ate from spotless linen and li

choolmate's mother was pure as the diamond dew he brushed from the bending grass in barefoot days. But he left the country h

his face. He waited, hoping some one would come along and give him the price of a drink. Two young men, one of them a reporter on a leading daily, came down

et's do the job like good Samaritans. Co

led and the tramp took his and draining it, said:

y, and the tramp took the second d

saw it dissolve and I quaffed it down. I had a sweet child I fondly loved, and still love, though I have not seen her for twelve years; a young woman now in her grandfather's home, she is deprived of the heritage of a father's good name. Young men, I once had aspirations and ambitions that soared as high as the morning star, but I clipped their wings, I strangled them and they died. Call me a tramp,

ourage fight and win the battle of life. How it would rejoice my soul if I could, with earnest appeal, throw about some moth

nd as he is today; while on the other hand, never was there a day when a young man with bad habits was in so little demand as now. The industrial world is closing its doors against young men who are not sober, i

rchant discriminates against him, and even the saloon-keeper does not want him for bar-tender, do you want him for

d maid, get some "bloom of youth," paint up and love yourself. John B. Gough said: "You bett

d therefore would not need to stop. I am not a fanatic on the question, but I believe every father in my presence, who uses tobacco, will be glad to ha

moke if I ever expected to be a man. Father smoked, our pastor smoked, and so did almost every man in ou

he gate on her visit, I started for the barn. In a shed back of the barn I took out my cigars, determined to learn that day if it required the six cigars for my graduation. The first cigar was lighted and with every puf

e removed. I staggered to the colt, held the halter rein and when the tooth was remov

e sick to see a blind tooth knocked

lie down on the grass until

years had passed and I became editor of a paper it seemed to me I

remained. Then, as was my custom, I walked up to kiss her good-bye when she said: "Good-bye. But, I would like to ask you a question. How would you like to have m

r question seemed to be waiting my answer, and I gave it in a resolve that she shoul

aid: "I did not know you were so sensitive, or I should not have said what I did." I did not tell her then of my promise, lest

ey at interest, next year, and every year do the same, compounding the interest, and in thir

young man in this audience to throw away the cigarette, never

ty years ago and have kept inviolate to this day. I would take it, not only becaus

upon the waters; inventors may, but not reformers. Yet I ha

youth, wearing it still as a garland about their brows, and their children, by pre

established Good Templar Lodges, when bottles were on sideboards in the h

ates living under prohibitory laws, the Congress of the United States giving a majority vote for

y bread upon the waters, when days were dark, discouragements many and faith weak. I am

ter bridle on my temper. An Englishman said: "My wife has a temper; if she

nds placid and self-contained, preserving his dignity. The world calls the first a brave man and the lat

ed Dickerson; Benton of Missouri killed Lucas; General Marmaduke killed General Walker. Pettus and Biddle, one a Congressman, the other a paymaster in the army, had a war of words,

id he settle it? The bullet that went through the heart of Carmack went through the heart of his wife, threw a shadow over the life of his child, and draped Tennessee in mourning. Did he settle it? He started a t

a safety valve for whatever anger he may have felt. One hundred years go by and the President leaves Washington and goes on a long j

that one discharge cost one thousand dollars, and it could send a shell sixteen miles and pierce

has sheltered him from babyhood, to be his own guide in the big wide world. His mother holds his hand as she looks love into his eyes, and gives him her warnings a

le and war shall cease, when reason and righteousness shall be the arbitrators for differences between nations, when owls and bats wil

on, and told him of her many beautiful traits, Bishop McIntyre said: "

ives. Tell them they are the dearest, sweetest things on the eart

ur mother what she would like for a Christmas gift. However, don't tell her I wrote you to do this. Also suggest som

life are growin

ach the end

ay me away wi

the tribu

on my tomb an

with its mis

the marble

e was good t

er old age. From her birth she has been your loyal, loving slave. She will go away and leave you after a little while, and oh! how you will miss her when she's gone. D

e that you might have what he has never had--a diploma? Go, put your fair tender cheek against the weather-beaten face of your

ive over would I do any better than I have done? If I am no better now, than I was five years ago, if

have its compensations, in that the "aches and asthmas of old age are no worse than the measles, mumps, whooping-coughs and appendicitis pains of youth." Righteou

enter the

ce, and be

ut I can keep my heart young, and I do. I enjoy the company

ear he was still lecturing; had he lectured on shadows he would doubtless ha

eart of any age. With some it seems to be an inheritance. It kisses some babies in the cradle, and the radiance of that kiss lingers through three-score years and ten; while others are born cross, live cr

r; why do

e angels bounced hi

r left to bloom on the desert of old age. Yet, she hides her sorrows beneath the soul's altar of hope and meets the world with a smile. Doubtless the first woman wonders why she is so slighted and the company of the

ret," without any appetite for the present or promises of the future. Beside one of these I would

ho will, rep

their head

when cares

y'll leave

light, but

s light to

tear my o

the while I

ight to induce sleep. I know another man not so well off in this world's goods, whose wife must apply the

hile my host was inside getting a pitcher of ice water, I looked across the way and there was the home of a railroad king, his wealth numbered by millions, and the grounds surrounding his home were rich in flower beds, fountains and forest trees. My host, pouring the water, said: "You see we are very fortunately

the cattle are still sleeping in the barnyard and the birds silent in the trees, watch the rich glow of the day god as it comes peeping through the windows of the morning, then see the birds leave their

llest tree. You will see a picture no artist's brush can paint. And God does not hang these pictures on a wall twenty feet by ten, but on the blue tapestry of the sky for t

ife has been one continual drudgery and disappointment; for fifty years I have had to get up at 5 o'clock every morning while

have one comfort anyway; it won't be long till the end of toil will come, when

l be about my luck for the next morning to be resurrec

ed sympathy he said: "I can't complain; I never lost a horse before." Then his crop failed and he said: "After ten years of good crops I have no kick coming because of one failure." Fi

l, I always did suf

ide of life, remembe

that makes us

s that make us

that haven't

s and drove fine horses. Often when seated on the little porch of our humble home, he would pass by, when the feet of his horses and wheels of his fine carriage would dash the dust into our faces. One evening whe

ther from ocean to ocean, yet I have never seen a train of Pullman palace cars that can compare in

ain started a

dreamla

dear was th

er laughed

ar was the m

e a low sw

winked, nodd

asleep on

in started a

slumberl

clear, fel

for the sl

the fare to

you not v

, a hug a

paid to th

I

the passengers

ey are v

ward, O gr

faithful

ith Him who "notes the sparrow's fall." Some one has said: "There are angels in the quarr

s the eyes of His children with tears t

eyes, they tell me I'm growing old. That's not I, that's the house in which I live;

s my house,

rn, till in so

rer dwelling,

carpentry of

en high, I view

e where these p

ling walls do go ba

nged them for a b

s my house,

is faith, I shal

ugh, not one but the Crucified Son of God has returned, why should I select such a subject for a lecture? When one is on a journey he has n

an forty years have been mingling with the masses and meeting with varied experiences. To

thening shadows falling behind, I thank God for that faith whic

called the Land

istakes and all

ur griefs

the boat, like a

er put

a place for the re

d of Begin

no sighing, ther

rrows that s

way like the

come back

extension of many more years of borrowed time, but I hope yet that along the shortening path I may open up here and

nded by loved ones in whose lives I have lived. I can think of no more fitting close to this le

e-grass be

nd romped

tars of h

in whom

y honored p

weet bab

darling daug

the summ

marriage vo

my childre

here, and he

l wings a

memories ho

life's dr

laudit "wel

p beneath