Wretched Self

Why do life sucks?

Life is wretched. And I hate it so much. All I want is to have a simple and happy life. But to my jinx, what happened was the opposite.

I want to smile, laugh, show everyone my greatest beam, but I just can't.

I'm suffering. Everytime, everywhere. I have no companion but only my family. How I wish they would not leave me.

I don't understand why people loathe me so much. I only know that I am what I am. I know to myself what myself is. I only know myself and not them.

"Leave this family! We don't need you! " My mother yelled straight at my face. I closed my eyes tightly and felt the pool of my tears that was starting to form around my eyes.

I wiped them away when they gave up. I sobbed to stop myself from crying again and again. My hands turned into fists harshly and I looked away to avoid my mother's raging eyes.

My father and siblings were just sitting beside us. Crying while looking at us. My older sister, Faye, covered Cine's ears so she could not hear my mother's rants.

"Go to your room!" mother told them to obey immediately. "You go outside and leave us!"

"M-Mom.." I gulped, trying to clear my throat.

"Don't call me that word! I don't have a daughter named Astra!"

"I am your daughter! You are my mother! We are a family---"

"We aren't! Are you gonna leave or not?" She cut me off then pointed to the door. I shook my head and wiped my tears again.

"No.. I will not." I uttered it with conviction. I was trying to be strong. I will not get down in front of my mother. I gritted my teeth subtly as I saw my father heading to their room.

Isn't he going to defend me? Dad, I am your daughter. How can you resist me? I.. I am your family.. and now you're the one.. who's going to leave and reject me.

"Mom! Please!" I pleaded when she pushed me towards the door. I held onto the wood beside to get her to stop pushing me. I wept and kneeled in front of her. "Please, I love you.. Mom.. I.. I l-love you.."

"No! Go away!" Pointing at the door again. She slapped my cheeks when I didn't follow her. I cried even more because of the pain caused by her. I held her shirt and pleaded again and again.

"I won't leave, I won't. I would not!" I howled multiple times. I will not leave this house. This is my home. I can't afford to leave them. They are my home.

Can't life be like this wretch? I had already suffered at my school and I expected them to comfort me.

This can't be. I will plead no matter what happens. I will not leave them!

"No! I'll stay!" I even cried in front of her. I looked down and held her toes, then pleaded. I shook my head multiple times while hurting.

"All you did was to shame us! You didn't do great things! We don't need you! Now, leave!"

"W-Why can't you s-see my efforts, M-Mom?" I slowly looked up at her. I only see madness on her face and that hurts me more. "I am doing my very best to make you proud of me!"

"Don't yell at me!"

"D-Don't you.. appreciate.. my existence? D-Don't you..? I.. I am also human.. I.. I am a-also hurting.. but.. why a-are you showing me that.. I.. am not? T-treat my as your.. daughter, p-please?"

"Yes! No one would value your existence! Go away! Don't touch me!"

I held my cheeks and rubbed them gently. Her slap still hurts. I then gathered all my strength to stand up and face her. I know I looked too weak, yet I made my feelings and emotions strong and brave.

"I-Is this what you want, Mother?"

They may be cruel to me, but I can't do anything but cherish them. I can't hate and feel the lunacy of them either. I won't go with the flow.

"Yes! So yes!"

"Okay, then." I uttered, "I will leave this family. I won't come back. I will not show myself to you anymore."

Leaving doesn't have the definition of a comeback, anyway. I would do what I was saying. I willkeep my promises and I promise to not show myself to them anymore.

"Now, get out. No one loves you!" She yelled before pushing me towards the door. I wasn't completely on the outside when she slammed the door shut. I let my tears out of their hideout and looked at our awful house for the last time.

"Good bye, my home..." I whispered to myself. Tears were flowing down my cheeks. I then wiped them all off and heaved a sigh.

No one loves you, Astra.

My mother's remarks were like a broken record that was playing in my mind multiple times.

"You love yourself, Astra." I said to myself, giving comfort because of this fck situation of mine.

I walked from nowhere. It was like I was none of myself. Later on, I saw an available bench. It's also lonely. Hence, I went there and gave my baby bench a companion.

Heck. I am very close to craziness.

"I'll live on my own already.." I just realised how difficult it is to live by yourself. No other companion and no one is willing to help you.

How can I begin a new life when life for me is already over? I have already started to build my so-called life, but it has already ended. Just lately, actually.

"Can you even survive?" I asked myself while looking at nothingness. I can feel the sticky thing on my face and cheeks that was caused by my tears.

Be brave, Astrallaine Sage. You can survive this challenge. Just move. You must do something. Don't just stay still.

"No challenges would come if He knew you couldn't pass through it."

I was stunned when someone just spoke from behind me. I didn't have the urge to look at that person immediately because I was still shocked.

"If you want something to happen, then you can pass through it. Patience and sweat were needed."

Minutes later, I was able to look at his area. He was just leaning on a post while his hands were on the inside of the pocket of his coat. He was also wearing a cup, so I couldn't see his face clearly. Not to mention that it's already dark.

"Pardon me?"

I heard him chuckle. He's a bit far from me, so I wouldn't hear his laugh. But I am sure it was sexy. He's hot too by just leaning on a post.

He shifted his gaze from the other side before looking at me again.

"Funny, broken family? Hmm, I find it corny." By just reminding me of what had just happened, something just tugged at my heart.

"H-How did you know..?" I asked slowly, making sure that my voice was calm and enough for him to hear it.

He shrugged before standing straight, getting off of leaning. He then adjusted his cap and wore his black hoodie on his head.

"Hey!" I called him when he suddenly walked away. He didn't even tell me about his next move. He has no respect!

Heck! He's kind of a creepy person!

How did he know about my family's breakup? In annoyance, I ran towards him and held the fabric of his clothes at his back to stop him from walking away from me.

"How did you know?" I asked emphatically. I don't know why I get annoyed with him.

He stopped walking but didn't look back at me. "I know everything.."

I laughed in sarcasm. "Stalker you brat!"

"I am not,"

"I will report you to the cops---"

"Go on,"

My brows furrowed. Is he a human? Why doesn't he care at all? Heck, I will really report him!

"Make a scene if you want,"

"Of course, I will!"

"You can't survive in this world. Having that attitude can't go on in life.."

"You just said earlier that I could pass it..." My tone turned into a good child. I was not just in myself, okay? I am not in a good mood because of what just happened.

I know that I have to move on, but I just can't. Heck, how can it be easy? I don't have a scar yet. I'm still in my wounds and I am not yet in the process of healing.

"Then change your attitude."

It was like I was nailed from where I was standing. I didn't have the urge to run again after him when he continued walking.

I gulped hard. How can I change my attitude?

Do I have to change myself?

I love what I am.

And I don't have the heart to change myself just because of the opinion of someone who is creepy and a stranger to me.

I was already listening to others' opinions before, that I must change myself. And the idiot me obeyed. It's like I transformed into another person. I did everything for them to like me. But then, no one stayed.

People just want you temporarily.

Don't listen to someone else's opinion again, Astra. They are not good for you. You have to be with yourself. To be the person who you really are.

I gulped before looking up. Seeing the stars twinkling made me smile and feel embittered. Knowing that they are giving blazes but I am in my darkest situation made me feel guilty.

"Go on, continue your life. It's not yet over." I muttered, sighing. I gathered all of my strength before walking in a known direction. I am heading to a café. I will try my luck. I hope they will give me a chance. I am at the right age to work though.

I hugged myself in the midst of walking. The cold breeze touched my skin and, just like that, my tears fell from my eyes again. I just took the opportunity. The ambiance was perfect for a drama.

I entered the café. It was silent and the only thing I could hear was the sounds of mugs and how the customers sipped on their coffees.

"Hello, what was your order, Ma'am?" A crew approached. I gave her a faint smile before roaming my eyes around. This café is well-known for its unique experimentation with servings.

"I would like to work here, Miss." None itself, I uttered slowly and looked down. What if they wouldn't accept me as their worker? I'll surely look for another place to live.

"Oh, is that it? Go with me, we'll head to the manager." My face twinkled after hearing her statement. I looked at her and she just smiled.

I must not feel embarrassed this time. first attempt and I didn't fail. I am thankful. After everything that happened, I still have the fortune.

"G-Good evening.." I greeted the person who was sitting in her swivel chair inside the office. The crew introduced her to me, saying that she was the manager.

"Good evening, fill this form up."

I did what she wanted. I must do what she wanted. She guided me on how to fill it up and when I was already done, she congratulated me.

I smiled at her with warmth, thankful for the blessing that I was receiving.

"Thank you so much. This means a lot to me."

She just nodded her head in response. I then sighed in relief. What I must do next is to find an apartment for me to live in. I have to look for an extra job too, because I must continue my education.

Even though I was suffering in school, I must bear with it. I didn't want to tell the admins and dean about the things that were happening to me. I don't want another conflict. I'll bear with it on my own will.

I will continue doing the things that have not been done yet. I will continue it by myself. Without any companions.

Best of luck to you, wretched self.