36 Years Old

At 36 years old, I feel like an old lady of 95 years. My body is young and strong, but my soul is ancient.

Although I have a happy life, I am not rich in money, but I am rich in love, my children's love. They fill my heart with love every second of the day. There is nothing more beautiful and empowering in this life than being loved by your children.

What do 36 years mean in someone's life? For some, it could mean an entire life, for some just a number, just a dream, or nothing at all.

For me, it feels like an entire life, although I know I have much more to live, to accomplish, and to see my children all grown up, settled in every aspect.

I did lots of mistakes till far, many bad decisions, and many regrets, but I know I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't taken that path. Everyone makes bad decisions, but what is most important is the ability to learn from all the mistakes.

Acknowledging your own mistakes is the major step to moving forward in life, like climbing a ladder, if you put your foot on a broken step and realize that it is broken you would take your foot away and step on the next step of the ladder. That is with life as well.

I wonder how many people actually live in the present life, I mean really live the present, the "Now". I am the type of person who tries her best to live in the present, but the past is so heavy that it pulls me back, to relive many of the moments that have passed, painful parts of my life, which really damaged my heart and especially my soul.

In the present what I can say about my soul is that I am not even sure I still have one, or I do have one, but it is kinda dark...

It is not like it used to be: a big, happy, full of sunshine soul, pure of innocence, of kindness. I used to put my soul into everything that I did, and give it to anyone in my life, just because I felt that was the right thing to do, the good thing to say it better.

I carry the pain inside my soul, every single day, it is like I can never put it down for five minutes at least, so I can breathe normally... I feel the need to yell, to scream from the bottom of my lungs, to cry out all the problems that I have. But no, I keep it all inside and I am afraid that one day I might explode or do something unholy.

My children are always surrounding me so no, I won't let my pain out, not for one second, as I do not want them to see what hides deep inside me, it is too dangerous. Too much pain has gathered, enough for an atomic bomb that can erase everything around it. I won't hurt my children, I will sacrifice myself as any mother would do, for the happiness of my children.

They will grow up and move to their houses and then I will have the time to let it all out but drop by drop as I do not want to cause a massive hysteria. I tend to be aggressive when too much is getting out of my soul, make yelling crises, throw things, and try to hurt myself. I did this kind of stuff before I had kids, there was no reason to really control myself so I would just leave it all out.

What can we do in the present other than live it? Think about what we could have done better in the past, what would be the point? Has someone invented the time machine and I am not aware of that? Or think about the future? Well, that isn't such a bad idea, thinking about the future, but not too much, like spending all day long for a long time just thinking about it. No, you can think about the future and make a theoretical plan and try to stick with it, although I am the kind of person who would rather let myself flow with the wind. Because you can never actually know what the future will bring, what is the point of making plans if there is a high possibility of never accomplishing them?

I know what you might be thinking, that there is a good chance that the plans will come true and that it happened to many successful people. And I agree with that, I believe in equality, everyone can speak their mind, everyone can choose their path in life, and decide what is best for them. What is best for me might not work for you and what is best for you might not work for me.

What is life like at 36 years old for me? Well, I just started working on my career last year, when I was 35, now it is only at the beginning to put it like that and I enjoy working on it. I work as a Virtual Assistant on several freelancing platforms, I have recently become an author, and I have published my first book which is not for everyone, even I am surprised about what I could write, but I must say I did enjoy writing it.

I believe it is never too late to start something, find a passion, get a job, or chase a dream. Life is full of endless opportunities!

Many of you have an excellent career at 36 years old, already years of experience, and many dreams accomplished. But for the ones with a similar situation to mine, I say: "Go for it, try, fail, get up and try again, chase your dreams!"

It is amazing to be able to put my thoughts on paper, my life, my soul, and my heart.

What is the present? The now? This day, this week, this year?

For each individual, it is different; I am sure of that. Because we all are unique, there is no such thing as identical in every aspect.

God made each one of us special, perfect through our imperfections.

My opinion about what the present actually is, is every moment that we live, without thinking about tomorrow. Do your best now, do what you can now, and do not leave it for later or for tomorrow, just go with it!

You never know what life is gonna throw at you. You can be happy and fulfilled now, but in the next 5 minutes, something could ruin everything. Life is unexpected!

Life is short and amazing and we need to be happy about everything, even the little things, even the bad things. While we are still on this earth we need to experience all kinds of states, it is the only way to grow, to become more powerful. That is what being human is all about, experiencing the bad and the good, being grateful for absolutely all that is happening.

Some, quite many, do not get the chance to live what you live right now.

I am thankful for every day that I am on this earth. I am not successful, I am not perfectly healthy, and I am not rich, but I thank God for everything. I know better times will come and that I need to be strong and live in this moment, no matter how hard it is. Because it is really hard, it is an awful period. I am in danger of losing my home, I can barely feed my kids.

I am sure some moms will understand perfectly what it feels like to have three children and not have the ability to be certain that you will have food on the table every day.

We are all struggling in one way or another, but the most important thing is to never lose hope. That is the only thing that can keep you alive and strong when you are in the darkest part of your life.

I must admit that it is very hard, there are many times when I feel like I have lost my hope and it is like I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then, all of a sudden something good happens and I get by another day safely.

The struggle is a big part of our life because it pushes us to become better, and stronger, to understand and feel the real meaning of being alive.

How lucky am I to be 36 years old? I say very luckily because I know people that would have dreamed to get to this age and live it all with good and the bad, just to live it all.

It is heartbreaking to see children that do not get to be 8 years old, so yes 36 years old it can be a lifetime, it can be an end or it can be a beginning.

This is my beginning, 36 years old is my age and as I keep saying I am proud of it because I have lived more bad stuff than good, but hey I am still standing!

I am not sure if I can even describe myself properly, I will try to do this with my writing because it is since forever I have always expressed myself much better in writing in English. It may be weird, yes, because I am a native Romanian, but I always had a love for English. Since the second grade of school to be more precise, that is when I started learning English.

Who am I? Why would you be interested in reading my books, or learning about me? I have no idea, but here I am putting my soul into this keyboard I am typing from and hoping something good will come out of this book.

I have stayed hidden for too many years, I think that I want to get out of my shell. I am not sure though; I mean, I can do that from behind a screen. I can definitely be out there.

But not in person, or in a call or video call. I am way too anxious. I lose all my thoughts and I am so nervous, but I can act so good, you could swear I am so happy and fulfilled. But I am not, I am so messed up inside my soul.

Do you know who you are, I mean really know? Because I don't, not yet. I am still trying to find myself and until then I just live day by day and watch my children grow. God, they grow so fast! There are times that I can not believe I do have three beautiful and intelligent children. It feels so unreal, that is because I have never thought that I will be so blessed.

I am remarried, being my second marriage. The first one didn't work out, but I will tell you more about that in the next chapter, where I will talk all about my past, well maybe not quite all he he.

You may be wondering if I am happy, is the second time a lucky charm? Well to answer you, there are some times when I am happy, but most of the time I am not. The thing is I am too tired to fight or to look for someone else. And I am a busy woman, I need to take care of my children, feed them, bathe them, etc. you get the idea; then to do my job as a Virtual Assistant, and my favorite part to write.

I hope I will stick with it because I really feel good doing this, I almost regret that I haven't started writing a long time ago. But I guess it is much better because now I can say I have the experience to write because I have been through so much, things I can tell you all about . Unleash my soul in black and white. It feels good!

You must be thinking that it is not easy to be a fully packaged woman, with children, a job, a husband, and no one around to help out. You are right, it is tough, but like every woman going through this kind of situation, I find my strength in my kids, they give me the power to go over everything. They are the necessary energy to pull it off in every aspect.

The best reason to live, and to have a purpose is for children, without them life is blank.

I know what you must be starting to think about: "This woman writes only about her children the most, what about her, who is she? Doesn't she live her life as a woman too?"

My children are my life, everything I do is for them, but I also try to live life for myself. I am doing it right now typing my life out.

It was yesterday night when I decided I will start having more positive thoughts, as recently I have had quite dark ones. But I had good intentions, just not for me.

I am quite lost and I am trying to find myself, and my meaning in this life. I am way too anxious and I know that it is not healthy, there are days when I am certain I have serious issues. Maybe you are thinking that too while reading my book lol.

At the moment I am stressed out about how am I going to pay my bills on time, as I was stupid enough to gamble on them. Yes, I have a serious gambling issue and I really need to cure myself of it. I just don't really know how.

I have tried that once and it worked for a short amount of time until I opened a new account at a different casino where I was lucky enough from the first deposit to win some good cash. It was really helpful as I managed to pay all my bills.

I wonder many times how is it to never worry about money, health, etc. It must be nice.

Although personally, I do not believe in appearances, there is no such thing as a perfect life, there has to be a problem, even for wealthy people, they must have something to worry about, they just do not share it with the world, keeping it high classified to put it like that.

Why do some people, like myself have the tendency to hurt themselves? What is wrong with us? Would a psychologist really help us? Does talking actually help? I would rather be writing, it is not as if I have the money to pay for the sessions and anyway the psychologist would probably kick me out after hearing so much bullshit.

God, I am so messed up!

The difference between the old me and the present me is that I try to be better, I try to get up every day and do everything that is expected of me. I do not succeed every day, but when I do it is a victory for my soul.

I am greedy, so greedy that I threw all my money into freaking Superbet, Pokerstars, and Winbet. Yep, those are my favorite online casinos. I have never played in an agency.

I am just too desperate and hoped to win some cash for the bills and for the payments that are in my father's name. He got me some loans in his name as I can't take any loans, well I do have one small one.

So desperate that I gained the courage to ask my husband to help me out by taking a loan from a friend, with fifty percent interest. It is like taking a loan from an online bank so it is perfectly fine. Thank God that he could do it. As he just got a new job and he can't help me out at the moment.

We were so apart until last night. We had a really big fight, almost to separation. And to my surprise, he came to sit next to me while I was smoking, with tears in his eyes... He asked me why we do this, fighting so badly that we almost break up. I answered him that I believe we do that because we have gone through a really bad period, recently by having food on our table because of his dad's and brother's mercy, to say it like that. If it wouldn't have been for the kids, I would have never received something out of mercy, I am way too proud to accept help. I kinda starved myself for a while and when asked why I don't eat, I would reply that I am too fat and I need to lose weight. It is partially true, I am pretty fat, but I know I will not lose weight by starving myself, that will happen over time with exercises and a healthy meal plan.

And to get back to the discussion I had with my husband, who eventually started to cry, for real, we hugged and told him that it will all be ok, struggling so I won't start crying as well. I was afraid that if I will start crying I won't be able to stop and maybe get sick. I have the tendency to hold it in for a really long time and when I can't hold it anymore and cry it all out, I almost have a seizure.

After we finished our conversation, he said that he wanted to talk to the kids as well and apologize, for he yelled at them. But I said that we need to go together as it wasn't just his fault, it was mine too. There is no such thing in couples as only one is responsible for the couple's problems. It takes two to form a couple so it takes two to maintain the relationship at a good level.

Our little boy was already asleep, so we let him be, instead, we sat down with our girls and apologized to both of them, had a group hug, telling them that everything will be alright and that we will do our best to never fight anymore, or at least not in their presence.

My daughter, who are seven and nine years old at the moment, is from my first marriage. I got divorced when they were only one and three years old. And my sweet little boy is three years old now, I had him with my actual husband.

This is my present, the life I am living at the moment if you can call it living. I rarely go out, and when I do it means going out to do some groceries, which my husband usually does every day; or when I go with my husband and kids to his dad and his brother's home. And very rare we go out to nearby cities with the kids of course.

There is no one that can help us and stay with the kids so we can go out, just the two of us, and work on our relationship as a husband and wife.

I often wonder how come we are still together, as the couple's life barely exists. I love that my husband doesn't give up easily on us, because if it was just me we wouldn't be together now. He always finds ways to get us close again.

I do not know about other couples, but I do know that for me and my husband, it is pretty difficult. I don't even take care of myself, put some makeup on, or wear sexy lingerie...

Problems, problems, and again problems... Screw it! Everything will be ok, it can only get better!

After a storm, the sun makes its way through all the clouds and shines so bright!