Guilty pleasures

Kat~

A funeral has an eerie way of uniting families, and ours seemed to be drawing closer with every passing day.

“Does it seem like we’ve done a few too many of these lately?” I muttered, my voice barely audible over the din of the room. We had been paying our respects far too frequently.

I leaned against the long wooden bar at Midnight Mass, surrounded by my brothers and family, and felt a sense of dread wash over me. We were all gathered together to celebrate Lance Decker's life. And his widow just walked in.

“Fuck, yeah. Too many,” Virgil growled and took a fortifying sip of whiskey before he smacked the bar and walked off toward Maisie, who’d barely escaped this fate a few months back.

“It’s the nature of the business,” Jasper said in his usual gruff, rational tone. “He was a good man, though. A damn good man.”

I nodded as a pretty brunette with big sparkling blue eyes walked around, looking completely overwhelmed. I pushed off the bar, turning to Jasper with a grin.

“Good try at being a human. Add a bit more emotion and say that to his widow, Vanessa.” The poor woman looked devastated and out of place, how I imagined most women would look if they lost the man they loved. “Come on.”

“Do I have to? This is more your thing, or Ma’s.”

I rolled my eyes and shoved away from him. “You’re the big brother, act like it.”

"Jesus, Kat. Do you ever stop?"

"No." I laughed and shoulder bumped Jasper. “You can kill a man without blinking an eye but an emotional female sends you running? Pathetic.”

I made my way through the crowd, greeting people and accepting condolences as I went. It was a somber affair, but that was to be expected. When I finally reached Vanessa, she looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes.

“Vanessa? I’m Kat Ashby. Lance was an incredible man. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. Really.” I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a tight squeeze that made her breath hitch.

“Thank you for this,” she said softly.

“Of course. Lance was a good man. He will be missed.”

She nodded and took a deep breath.

I reached out and squeezed her hand gently. “It’s the least we can do. If there’s anything else we can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you, Ms. Ashby.”

“This is my brother, Jasper. Drink?”

She flashed a hesitant smile at my scowling brother before her blue gaze met mine once again. “I would love a drink. Strong and on the rocks.”

I glared at Jasper until he took a step forward and wrapped his big hands around Vanessa’s delicate, slender hands. “I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Decker. Lance was our loss as well.”

His words sounded sincere and she nodded. “Thank you, Mr. Ashby.”

I listened as my brother talked with Vanessa, offering his words of condolence and comfort. We would take care of her, just as Lance would have wanted us to. She was family now.

Family was everything to us. It was the only thing that mattered. And we would do whatever it took to protect our own.

Then with a grunt of sympathy, Jasper took off in the direction of Ma, who looked like she was having a serious work-related discussion with her butler.

“Don’t mind Jasper. He’s a bit of a robot at times. Not good in moments like this, but otherwise, it’s an excellent quality.”

In a leader, sure, but it was also the reason Jasper was single. Perpetually single, in fact. Not that I could talk when it came to matters of the heart, but at least I knew my flaws. “Let’s go get that drink.”

Vanessa nodded, her thick chocolate waves falling around her shoulders in a way that had some of the guys eyeing the beautiful widow in ways they shouldn’t. At least not quite so soon.

“Let’s,” she said in a voice that showed the strain of the last few days.

“Clontarf, on the rocks for my friend Vanessa and another for me. Neat.” Midnight Mass had been closed for the memorial celebration so there would be no interruptions. No unwanted guests. “Seriously, your husband was a good man.”

“You knew him well?” she asked, a hint of worry in her tone.

“Not well, no. But he gave me a few pointers on handling a new Springfield Hellcat, said I reminded him of a woman he served with, only she was scrawnier.”

She laughed and shook her head, taking the drink with a smile that made the new bartender blush and lick his lips. Fucking men. No class at all. “That sounds like Lance. Charming as hell when he wanted to be, the rest of the time that size fourteen foot was stuck in his mouth.”

I laughed to keep her company. “I didn’t mind. Growing up with brothers, I got used to the clumsy compliments of tough guys.” It was nice to have someone to shoot the shit with, who only wanted to shoot, not talk until they’d uttered every word in the English language. “Let’s sit.”

We grabbed a booth and sat in silence for a long moment, both of us simply savoring the taste of the alcohol, reconciling the jovial atmosphere with the cloud of sadness hanging over us all.

“I miss him so much already,” she said. Sniffling started and tears welled in her eyes. “We were high school sweethearts. I haven’t been with anyone other than Lance. What am I gonna do without him?”

Her tears began in earnest and unlike the men in the Ashby family, I knew how to comfort someone in grief.

I’d had enough practice at it and this woman’s grief lay at my family’s feet. Sure, Lance knew the deal, but that didn’t change the truth. I slid from my side of the booth and around to Vanessa, wrapping my arms around her while she sobbed against my shoulder.

Her pain was real, so visceral it sent a shockwave of grief through me until I felt my own eyes sting with the threat of tears. I did what I always did when it came to tears, shoved them back down deep where they belonged and focused on the matter at hand.

Vanessa.

I held her close while she cried for the only man she’d ever loved. Now she had to learn to live without that love. What does that kind of love feel like? Thoughts of love, of course, sent my gaze in search of the familiar crop of blond hair that belonged to a man I’d loved since I was a teenager. Terry Manning.

He chatted with everyone and wore a big wide smile that made the object of his attention at the moment feel like they were the most important person in the room, the most interesting and engaging individual he’d ever met. Unless you were me. Around me, you’d think I had the plague.

He was the perfect lieutenant for Jasper, friendly and outgoing, better at working the room than my brother. It was probably what made them best friends, closer than brothers. And that closeness meant he could never, ever, be mine. Ever.

Terry’s gaze caught mine and held me in its grip for several seconds, mocking and sparkling with mischief, before he looked away.

I sighed heavily and hugged Vanessa a little bit tighter, feeling greater sympathy for losing Lance. “I can’t say I’ve ever had the kind of love you and Lance had, Vanessa, but I’ve experienced loss. Too much fucking loss. I know you might think it’s too soon, but the road to healing starts with booze and when that’s finished, more booze.”

I flagged the bartender for another round, determined to do what I could to make this day just a little easier for her.

She laughed over the sob choking her throat and sat back, reaching for a handful of napkins to dry her tears. “Is that cute blond your man?”

Dammit, I’d been caught. “No. That’s my brother’s best friend, Terry.”

She guessed correctly. “But you want him to be,” she said, suddenly less teary-eyed and more interested.

I nodded, figuring any distraction was better than having her thinking about her dead husband, even if it was my own humiliation. “I used to. Fancied myself in love with him as a teenager, but there are plenty of reasons it could never work, mostly because he’s my brother’s best friend, and he doesn’t like me.”

Vanessa laughed and the sound was pretty and musical. I could see why Lance was so smitten with her. “Those are stupid reasons; you know that right?”

I shook my head. “I used to think so too but look at them.” I pointed to where they were deep in conversation in a dim corner. “They’re closer than brothers.”

“But he’s not your brother. Lance was best friends with my older sister, and I always had a crush on him, but a three-year age difference is a lifetime when you’re teenagers. Then Sarah, my sister, got leukemia, and Lance and I grew closer. He resisted me, especially after her death. I was barely in High School. It was hard, Kat, but it was worth it. He was worth it,” she said and burst into tears once more. “Life is too short to not be happy.”

Her words struck me hard, and I tossed back another whiskey with a brittle smile on my face. “Maybe you’re right, Vanessa, but that’s an issue for another day.”

“Vanessa, dear.” Sadie stopped at the table, looking every bit the Irish American matriarch in her black Chanel and matching black pearls. “Lance will be missed by us all. And if you need anything, consider the Ashby family, your family.”

Vanessa blinked her pretty blue eyes up at Sadie in confusion. “Are you serious?” she shook her head. “I had no idea this was his security job and you people; you’ve all been so nice. So kind.” More tears came and Sadie looked about as ready to bolt as Virgil had at the sight of tears, vulnerability. “Your son, Calvin, sent a housekeeper and meal delivery last week.”