Valerie

“Valerie”

I heard my name from the entrance of the dorm, I knew it was time.

I picked up my mini bag that had just my underwear and the clothes from my first day. With a straight face, I walked towards the door. I could feel all their eyes on me, their little whispers from the corners irritated me but what irritated me were their fake smiles and goodbyes.

Paula stood by the door with her mean eyes following my every step and I stared back. She had the frowning look of a grandma even if she was in her late 30’s.

Without pleasantries, I passed her like I wasn't the one she was waiting for. We walked quietly through the corridor but my heart almost left my body. I know I should be the happiest person right now but all I felt was pain, the pain I felt three months ago when she abandoned me here.

We got closer to the door and it flung open and there stood her slender body in one of her office dresses and big bag.

She looked slimmer than I could remember but that mean look remained the same and when those eyes looked at mine the pain I felt earlier immediately switched to anger. Suddenly I didn't want to leave, the memory of her dumping me here and never coming to visit for six months made my eyes water.

With our eyes still locked, I walked closer to where she stood. The closer I got, the more I wanted to turn back to the dorm room, I could see the faint smile she had on, those mean eyes had no pity or remorse in them. As if she couldn't wait for me anymore, she rushed to me and pulled me for an embrace

“ you're okay now “ she whispered into my ears before releasing me

“Can we sign her release?” Paula said, leaving us behind and walking towards the receptionist's table.

I listened to them talk about my improvement and tests as they signed my release. Paula gave the usual advice of monitoring a constant urine test and a recommendation for a group class and all my mom did was nod in support.

Paula escorted us to the car park and gave meaningless advice before letting our car zoom off.

As I and my mother left, there was an awkward tension between us that lingered in the car ride home.

She tried to make conversation, asking how I'd been but it felt forced and uncomfortable.

I sat in the passenger seat of the car, my gaze fixed on the passing scenery outside. The tension in the air was palpable, thick and suffocating, like a heavy blanket draped over my shoulders. Beside me, my mother sat rigidly behind the wheel, her hands gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled intensity.

It's been a while since I had been in the same car with my mother. The last time had been the day I was dropped off at rehab, left alone in a sterile, unfamiliar environment with nothing but my demons for company. My mother left without even a promise to visit, and slowly the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, with no sign of my mother anywhere in sight.

The resentment that had simmered beneath the surface for so long now threatened to boil over, bubbling up inside me like a cauldron of hot, seething anger. How could my mother abandon me like that?

The silence in the car was suffocating, each passing moment stretching out into an eternity of awkwardness and discomfort. I could feel my mother's eyes on me and could sense the unspoken questions lingering in the air. But I refused to meet her gaze, refused to acknowledge her presence in any way.

Instead, I focused on the anger burning inside me, allowing it to consume me, to fuel my defiance in the face of my mother's indifference, I looked outside for comfort.

As we drove on in silence, I stared out the window, lost in my thoughts but gradually I noticed a change. I realized something was different. Confusion knitted my brow as I glanced around, trying to make sense of my surroundings.

My mother's voice cut through the silence, snapping me back to reality. "We're here," she said, her tone clipped and distant.

My heart pounded in my chest as the car slowed to a stop in front of an unfamiliar house. I couldn't trust my mother's next step.

I couldn't help but feel a sense of unease as I looked up at the unfamiliar environment.

Maybe this is another prison. I thought.

But before I could dwell on my apprehension any longer, the front door burst open and a figure came bounding out onto the front porch. My eyes widened in surprise as I recognized my brother, his face lit up with excitement as he ran towards the car.

"Vee!" he exclaimed, throwing his little arms around me in a tight embrace. "I'm so glad you're here!"

The warmth of his embrace washed over me like a ray of sunshine, melting away the icy tendrils of fear and uncertainty that had gripped my heart. For a moment, all I could do was revel in the joy of being reunited with my brother, and the weight of my worries momentarily lifted from my shoulders.

As we made our way inside the house, I couldn't help but feel a sense of relief wash over me. The unfamiliar surroundings no longer seemed quite so daunting, the unfamiliarity replaced with a sense of belonging as I followed my brother through the front door.

Inside, the house was warm and inviting, the smell of home-cooked food wafting through the air. My mother stood in the kitchen, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips as she watched her children embrace.

"Welcome home, Valerie," she said softly, her voice filled with warmth and affection, a tone very new to my ears.

I nodded.

Immediately my brother's hand firmly clasped in mine, my brother's infectious enthusiasm made me smile

He led me up the stairs, his steps light and sure, until they reached a door at the end of the hallway. With a flourish, he swung the door open, revealing a room that was bathed in soft, golden light.

"Ta-da!" he exclaimed, gesturing grandly towards the space beyond. "Your room, vee!"

The room was cozy and inviting, with a large, comfortable bed nestled against one wall and a window that overlooked the lush greenery of the backyard. A small desk sat in one corner, a scattering of books and papers arranged neatly atop it, while a soft rug covered the hardwood floor.

The room wasn’t my style at all, it was bright and more girly. The only things I liked were the bed and rug.

I preferred somewhere dark with posters on the walls with something more exciting on my table not books but he looked excited to show me so I couldn’t give him a bad review

"It's perfect," I murmured.

Just then, my mother appeared in the doorway, a warm smile on her face as she surveyed the room.

"What do you think, Valerie?" she asked, her tone gentle

I took a moment to compose myself before responding. "It's okay," I said.

“ Why did we change the house, the other seemed fine” I asked out of curiosity

“We need somewhere new”

I wasn't convinced that she just wanted to change our house, my mother wasn't the type who decided without several reasons.

She had always hated our old place because of the environment, she considered it ghetto and improper for children, by children she meant me. She blamed that place for my drug addiction and behaviour towards her. She felt it was the only problem in our lives, that it was filled with a lot of bad things that affected our family. Only she thought so.

From the outside, I could see the reason for us moving to this place. It was quiet and more civilized. This is her dream place.

“ well get ready, we're going to the hospital soon”

At the mention of my father, I felt a surge of conflicting emotions wash over me- anticipation, nervousness, and a longing so profound it threatened to overwhelm me.

It had been so long since I had seen him, so long since I had felt the warmth of his embrace or heard the sound of his voice. The thought of seeing him again filled me with a sense of both joy and trepidation.

“ We can go now” I suggested

“ I have to do something and you have to clean up properly and eat”

As much as I wanted to see my dad, I knew I needed a proper bath. Since I’ve been there I haven’t had a proper bath or meal. I immediately agreed to her suggestion before she left.