It Should Have Been Like This

The rain poured down on me as I walked down the lonely street. It was a storm outside with lightning and thunder blasting in the sky. The lightning struck the poles and the ground occasionally, but it didn't bother me. Nothing could bother me at this point. I felt numb and cold like a void had settled in the pit of my stomach. I felt absolutely nothing, no pain, no happiness; no emotions at all. I was simply empty.

I had nothing and no one left. One minute I was happy, living in the spotlight, celebrating and swimming in love, and the next, I was homeless without a penny to my name. Alone, I wandered the streets like a hobo, my face covered to hide the shame that is me and my body enveloped in a baggy sweatshirt. I caused it, I caused everything. I should have just minded my business and stayed on my own. I should have gone the other way that night. I thought it was fate, I thought it was the heavens smiling down at me and leading me to take the wrong turn so I could meet him, but it wasn't. It was all staged. He planned it. With my own two legs and sane mind, I walked into a trap and ruined my life.

I still remembered that night, the night my car broke down in the middle of a quiet road, and how he drove past and helped me. Like that, I thought that it was destiny, but boy was I wrong. What was I thinking in the first place? Destiny? There's no such thing as destiny. If there was, my mother wouldn't have died. If there was such a thing as destiny, I wouldn't have had to live the way I did that pushed me into dating him in the first place. Destiny was trash and fate was a stupid bitch, I knew that now.

The words that came out of his mouth still reverberated in my head like a timeless alarm. Going on and on and on, haunting my dreams and my consciousness. "I don't care about that bitch, Peyton, I have proven that to you times without number. Why do you keep doubting my love for you?!" The words that made me halt on my joyful sway to his office; the furious words that made me freeze at the door. At first, I quickly thought he was acting a script but that didn't make any sense. Peyton is not an actress, but now that I think about it, they both deserve Oscar awards for their tremendous acting.

"Then why are you holding back?! You already used her to access her father's wealth, the papers are all yours. What's holding you back?! I thought you promised to give me the papers to her mother's company, so what are you still waiting for?! You already have all the documents!!!" My heart stopped when I heard that. I didn't remember giving him my father's documents, just the documents to my mother's company and telling him where my father kept his.

The world crashed on me at that moment and I remained frozen at the door, listening to the so-called love of my life speaking about how much he hated me and why he was hesitating. His reason didn't make any sense, yet it was true and I was a fool. Peyton, the woman he introduced to me as his best friend, was his lover and fiancee. And of course, I stood there in shock until she came out and found me there, still in shock. But it didn't matter, no more lying, no more pretending, they showed me their true colors.

I lost everything, my family lost everything. My stepmother died of a heart attack and the shock killed one of my half-brothers. I didn't feel pity for them but the fact that I was disowned with nothing left than the pain of heartbreak and betrayal, the agony of my perfect world collapsing on me. I was left to trek all the way to my mother's birth city and the place where she was buried, to die with her.

The storm had nothing on me, hunger shook me not, I didn't rest nor sleep, just kept walking. No starvation or storm could compare to the pain in my chest and my bones. The memories of our time together and the lies I skipped replayed in my head over and over again to fuel my decision to die. There was nothing left for me to do than leave.

A bright light shone on me, but it didn't stop me from walking like the miserable person I was. My vision was blurry, my body was weak and failing me, but I kept walking. I felt nausea all of a sudden, it hit me as fast and hard as a menstrual cramp. I doubled over and held my stomach. My breathing came out in wheezes, short breaths that almost felt like my lungs were blocked.

A loud car honking filled my ears as my thoughts completely zeroed in on nothing. A loud gong rang in my head, hitting my skull in a way that made my brain throb. The pain ended as quickly as it came because blackness was the only thing I saw and dwelled in and boy was it peaceful. I wished I had never woken up.

___

I stared at the result in my trembling hands, my heart hammering against my chest. Beads of sweat surrounded my forehead and down to my neck and chest. My stomach seemed like it was throbbing too. Tears flowed down my cheeks and fell on the test result. Someone saved me, someone picked me up from the corner of the road and took me to the hospital. I wish I died so I wouldn't have to know about this and live with the guilt, but like always, I survived. I'm always lucky when it comes to staying alive but never with daily life.

Pregnant, I was pregnant.

I could abort it, I shouldn't carry the children of the man that ruined my life, but it wasn't their fault, it was mine. I let myself get pregnant, I wanted the baby because I thought he would be there for me. It should have been like that; him and I, together, but it was not. My whole life was already upside down. I was homeless and nameless. How do I begin to care for a baby? Where do I start? There's no helping it. The child would be miserable if he or she stays alive.