Beauty in the Struggle: The Silent Voice of a Widow

I should have known better, looking back at it now. There were so many signs there in front of me. My childhood had been a mess as far back as I can remember. Now, where to begin...

My daughter and I were moving to Springfield after a divorce and trying to move on with our lives. I had been going back and forth between Ava and Springfield. Working and moving closer to my job seemed the best thing to do. Trying is the keyword here. It seemed that what I did was never enough as a mother, a wife, and just as me. I already had elevated expectations of myself, and everything I did never seemed sufficient. My whole dream was to have a family. My family growing up was, well...for better words, broken. I wanted something better for me and, of course, my daughter.

I had been back in the area for about six months or so. I decided to start talking to other people. It had been a struggle between my job and getting my apartment ready. And then there was Jaiden; men heard I had a daughter. They would turn and run as far away from me as possible. I did not understand. I did not think there was anything wrong with me or even her. She was an intelligent three-year-old with gorgeous blond hair and hazel eyes. From what I know now, it all makes sense. They just wanted sex with no strings.

She was excited when my mother heard that I had started talking to other men. Mom started setting up dates for me with her type of men. I guess she did not understand what type of guy I was into. I do not think I knew what kind of guy I wanted. After several surprise dates with guys my mom had met in town, like the feed store or one of her boyfriend Larry's friends or whatever you want to call them, I had given up and enjoyed being single. It meant I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I had this thing for him for a long time, ever since middle school. He was just one of those naturally good-looking guys: six foot something tall, all muscle, gorgeous. I knew I did not stand a chance with him; I had the deal-breaker as a kid. I added him on Facebook and messaged him a few times, but he never seemed interested in me, so I just let it go.