Torn Between Us

Moving to a new city has always been my plan and my dream for a few years now. The order was; get promoted, move to a new city, get a dog…making partner at the firm. I honestly looked forward to living or at least enjoying my stay here. Besides, those plans may not exactly look like the best plans to be making as a single thirty something year old woman. But those were my plans and I had nothing else to add to it.

I got my promotion and a new apartment in a new city. Those had now been checked off the list. Had no dog yet but still had plans to get a pretty female dog when I settled in–if I should. At least something to help with my connection with other beings–that was my therapist's idea.

My mom had feared that I was going to completely zone out from the rest of the world so she got me a therapist. I protested that I didn't even need one but I went to every appointment with her regardless.

I looked around my place for another moment and my eyes settled on the unused buckets of paints I had gotten earlier. I didn't know how to paint, never painted before. So, I'm not doing it myself–I wasn't planning to.

I had plans to hire a painter though. I just hadn't known the best painters in town yet.

I let out a long, heavy sigh and dragged myself to the small grey diamond couch I'd set up in the living room. My eyes drooped shut with every step towards the couch. I dropped on the couch seeking the comfort I needed at the moment as I folded up my legs together onto the couch.

This was the first time since I moved in that I was fully going to have a comfortable “sit and rest”.

I still had a full day before I began working in my new office. So, hopefully there was still little time left for me to find a painter or I could just take my time and hire one next weekend. That was, I'd spoken to someone, anyone about a perfect painter around.

I drank from my mug of tea and my mind wandered off to dinner as my eyes travelled to my kitchen at the same time. I had nothing in my kitchen yet, not even a snack. I hadn't gone grocery shopping. Even though that was on my to-do list for the next day.

My phone beeped beside me almost immediately following my thought for food. I adjusted a little and lifted my butt up a bit so that I could retrieve my phone from under me. I scrolled through the tons of work emails and messages from my firm and sighed. I texted my mom and sister and told them that I was settling in well in my new home. Mom sent me a love emoji and my sister sent me a smiley emoji.

I was about to drop my phone when a notification popped up and I tapped on it. It gracefully advertised Fred and his new fiance's photo.

That panic attack came all of a sudden and I felt like I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. I couldn't say how long it was but I held the phone in my hand and just stared at the photo on the screen.

Three years had barely gone since Fred and I broke up and he was already engaged to someone else? How long had the two of them been together? I was with him for eight years before he finally proposed and stood me up at the altar.

The night before I went wedding dress shopping with his mom and mine was the last time I saw him until now–the photo displayed on my phone screen.

Fred was one person I felt so lucky that the universe brought to me. He was an amazing guy to me and the rest of the people I loved but while I was making plans to get married, Fred had other plans which clearly didn't include me.

I looked at the photo for five more horrible seconds; the woman looked so much younger. Like she was barely 18. I couldn't blame him. I was ageing and he wanted fresh blood.

I tsked and threw the phone back on the couch in the space next to me.

I took a deep breath and did three seconds of breathing exercise. I never cried when we broke up and I wasn't going to cry now not for him, not for any living man born out of a woman.

He was one reason I wanted to relocate to a new city even. But it appeared kind of absurd that I wanted to leave everything behind just for a man who clearly didn't deserve me. So, I found a perfect excuse to leave. Working for a promotion at work was the most perfect way to leave and still not totally feel like I was leaving everything behind.

I didn't even tell people that I was moving, only a few people at work and maybe my neighbours knew that I was moving out. I didn't really have friends like that.

Breathing in and out, I took the little mug from the glass table where it sat in front of me and went to dump it into my empty sink. *I picked up my phone again as I settled back in the couch*

Since I had no food, the least I could do for myself was to order food online, not like I was any fan of ordering food online. At this point, I had no choice but to order my food online. I was too tired to step out. Waiting for it, I went to get a nice warm bath while I waited for my order to arrive.

~ ~ ~

My sister called me. She wanted to know how I was doing. Apparently, she had seen the post made by Fred. My sister and I had a lot of mutual friends while growing up. So, definitely, she saw the post.