The Bad Boy at Home, and His Experiences in Trying to Become an Editor / 1885 by Metta Victoria Fuller Victor
Chapter 1 WHY HE CHEWSES A PERFESSHUN.-HYFALUTIN PROLOG, WITH SUM
BARE POSSIBILITIES.-PROSPECTUS OF THE "DAILY BUSTER."
Mister Diry:
I've been intending ever since I got home from Yourope, to begin ritin' in a diry, but I ain't had no time, cos my chum Jimmy and me has been puttin' in our days havin' fun. I've got to give all that sorter thing up now, cos I've accepted a persisshun in a onherabel perfesshun, and wen I get to be a man, and reech the top rung of the ladder, I'm goin' to mak' New York howl.
Pa, he wanted me to go to skule, but I culdn't see it a tall, cos a feller wot's alwus goin' to skule don't never kno nothin' but base-ballin' and prize fitin' wen 'he gets thru. All them fellers wot rite in dirys begin by usin a lot of hyfalutin wurds wot sound orful big but don't meen nothin; so I guess I'll be in the fashun, so here goes:
You're only a quire of "common noose" paper, Mr. Diry, so you needn't put on so menny airs over your cleen wite dress, wot only needs a morocker lether mantel and gilt braceletts to make you look like you b'longed to the Astor house dude.
We all know you was maid of rags, and them rags might once have bean in the mazey, lacey laberinths of wite linnin wot audashusly pressed 'gainst the tender form of Lillyan, the dudine.
If you warn't there you mite have ben all ablaze with chane stitches and crushed oniyun stripes, closely incircling a cupple of been-poles-no, not eggsactly been-poles, but the sharpley, shadderly lower lims of Sarah Jane Burnhard, the actress wot got mashed on Dam-all-her.
Then, agen, you mite have ben on some infantile prospecktive Preserdent, but you didn't stay on him long, cos baby's and safety-pins maid you tired.
Enyway you've got a histery, cos them littel black spots on your rite bussum looks like they mite wunce hav ben part of Mrs. Dr. Walker's patent backackshun, maskuline, dress-reform trowsers, wot she sent to the paper-mill to get ground up inter paper to mak books for the enlitenin of the wimmin of our country.
How's that for high, Mr. Diry? My muse come playguey neer running away with me, so I had to wistle "down brakes," and slow her up. Now I'll begin to record my doins on your pages, so that, shuld the toes of my boots be applide to the patent bucket early in my useful carreer, the hull wurld'll kno wot a treassure socieaty has lost. I ain't givin you eny biled lasses candie, but don't you let your memmerizin orgins lose site of the fact that I, Georgie, the Bad Boy wot's ben to Yourope, ain't no slouch.
My pa sez I'm a geneyus. I guess he's 'bout rite, ony he orter sed I was a buddin' one, 'cos my hankerin' after a perfeshunal carrieer has led me to axcept a posishun in the publick-opinyun-moldin' shop wots known as the Daily Buster, Joe Gilley, edittur and proprieat-her. Subskripshun price, $5 per yare. No trubbel to sine receits.
N.B.-Speshell arrangements with ex-Senater Satan enabels us to give our delinkent subskribers cheap excurshun rates to the Hot Sulfur Baths, via the Haydies Short Line, our fitin' edit-her corndoctor. This paper is run on red-hot indypendant principels, in a spicey, sparklin' manher. In pollyticks our motto is: "Onhest men, regardless of partie, candy-dates with barr'ls xcepted."
The above is the prospecktus of the journalistick venture in wich I have mbarked in the capacerty of typergraffickal devil. So now Mr. Diry, look out for the brakers.
Chapter 1 WHY HE CHEWSES A PERFESSHUN.-HYFALUTIN PROLOG, WITH SUM
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Chapter 2 HIS FIRST INTERVUE.-WILL THEY BE CONSINED TO A PLACE THAT
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Chapter 3 THE XCHANGE FYEND.-SHEECARGO ALL QUIETT.-THE FYEND GOES
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Chapter 4 HE AIN'T NO TYPERGRAFFICKAL CYCLOPEEDA.-SERIUS
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Chapter 5 A VISIT FROM A DISTINGUSHED ANTY-MONOPERLIST TYPERGRAFFICAL
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Chapter 6 No.6
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Chapter 7 HE INTERVUES ELI PERKINS AND GETS SUM POINTS ON JURNERLISTIC
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Chapter 8 A CONVENSHUN OF THE DUDE DEMMERCRAZEY,-A COUNTRY DELEGAIT.-
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Chapter 9 THE REPORTER INTERVUES A PULITICKEL GOST.-ROS CONKLIN GIVES
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Chapter 10 HE REPORTS A XERDENT WOT HAPPENED TO J. GOULD AND SETS ALL
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Chapter 11 IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK.-"HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR
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Chapter 12 A OLD BILL.-THE EDITTUR GETS A FORTUNE FROM OSSTRAILYER.-
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Chapter 13 TRAVERLIN IN STILE.-GRAND RECEPSHUNS AND BABY KISSIN
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Chapter 14 IMMENSE NTHUSIASM.-SUM POINTERS ON THE TARIFF.-THE OHIO
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Chapter 15 IN A TROY HOTEL.--GRAND REVUE AND MILLYTARY
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Chapter 16 HE REPORTS A DRY GOODS OPENIN.-A XPENSIV KOSTUM WOT FINDS
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Chapter 17 DUMMIE "ADS"-WARNTED, A WIFE, BY THE RELIGUS EDDITUR.-
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Chapter 18 AT THE MASQUE BALL.-FRIVERLUS FIXINS.-A PARISIEN
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Chapter 19 THE HORSE REPORTER WANTS A COMPAGNON DE VOYAGE.-THE
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Chapter 20 THE DEVIL IN CHURCH.-A TERRIFICK. XPLOSHUN, AND FLYIN
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Chapter 21 ROUTS THE REPUBLERCAN RABBEL.-CAMPANE LIES.-THE DEVIL IN
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Chapter 22 ELECKSHUN DAY.-THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS.-
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Chapter 23 A GLORIOUS VICKTORIE.-THE LICKED CANDYDATE GENERATES BLUE
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Chapter 24 HIS HOLY DAY.-PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN
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Chapter 25 ADVERTISES A ARTICKEL WOT WAS FOUND.-WIMMIN'S WAYS.-
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Chapter 26 THE DELINKENT SUBSCRIBER'S ARISTOCRAZEY IDEAS ON THE
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Chapter 27 MINSE PIE AND DREEMS.-TERRIBLE RETRYBUSHUN.-WOT'LL OVER
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Chapter 28 AT THE STOCK EXCHANGE.-THE ENGAGEMENT.-FIRE IN THE
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Chapter 29 HE CALLS ON MARIA AND PRONOUNSES HER FRAGRANT.-AT A CHURCH
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Chapter 30 THE DEVIL'S OCCUPASHUN GONE.-POLLYTISHUN OR JURNERLIST.-
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